• Member Since 9th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 14th, 2014

AlkapwnZ


Just a brony who knows what he wants to do in life.

E

[Second-Person fiction starring you and Pinkie Pie]

All your life, you've worked hard and your friends partied hard. You shook your head at the thought of ponies gathering for a good time, and worked to get to college while they wasted their time. At first, that was no different for the Masquerade. But when a college professor reveals himself to be attending the party, will your ambitions make you go as far to change your original plans? As far as to ask help from the pink mare who was the very bane of your ethics?

Second-person fic idea I'v had for awhile, and I wanted to see how I liked writing second-person fiction. Enjoy! Any advice and/or criticism is welcomed.

I would also like to thank Shadowslayer, my proofreader and editor. You have him to thank for my chapters not being big walls of text!

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 34 )

All I could think when I saw the title was the song from Phantom of the Opera.:scootangel:

I am seriously liking this so far! The main character's stick-in-the-mud personality is very well defined, and Pinkie Pie is hit pretty spot on. A lot of writers end up making her annoying and not, well, Pinkie.

I have no complaints at this time. But when I read Ifilly, I said "really?" out loud.

I'm looking forward to more, mate! :twilightsmile:

Cheers,
~Kody910

1742237 Oh my god...
Sorry, not trying to sound fanboyish, but my favorite author on Fimfiction commenting on my story and favoriting it is extremely...well, awesome, for lack of better word.
Thanks, I'm glad you like it! I'll be updating it as regularly as possible.:pinkiehappy:
Oh, and Ifilly was the closest thing to Italy in Equestria I could come up with.:twilightblush: I was really close to just going with regular Italy.:facehoof:

1742365
Ha ha, it's no trouble. I should be thanking you for the kind words!

And hey, I liked the Ifilly thing. Sure, I shook my head when I saw it, but I laughed too.
Keep up the fine work!

Cheers,
~Kody910

1742514 Thank you for the support and encouragment, and I shall! :pinkiehappy:

Hope Equestria's economy is doing better than ours or his idealistic dream will be in for a rude awakening!

Very promising start! Like Kody mentioned, the main character comes across as believable and it's easy to relate to him; after all, who can't relate to that goal of being successful? In fact, I'm impressed with how spot-on you were with characterization in general. The only thing I took issue with was that mention of fourth-wall breaking. It's really a personal peeve of mine, but I feel it kinda halts a story's flow and breaks up the immersion. I know for most people it's not a really big deal and it's just me being stubborn :rainbowwild:

Also, you mentioned you had trouble thinking of a name for Equestria's Italy. I know it's not canon, but a fair few stories I've read that mentioned it have coined it 'Istalia', going off of the Italian pronunciation of the country dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png

1744603 Thanks for the compliments, and new name idea for Italy in Equestria!! :pinkiehappy:
And as for the fourth-wall breaking thing, I think you calling Pinkie a fourth-wall breaker in this context works, considering she continually breaks the laws of physics in front of you.:rainbowlaugh: But, you do have a point there.

1746555

Like I said, it's really not a huge deal but I've seen it done poorly an awful so I've come to dislike it. A little in moderation is still good since, like you said, laughing in the face of physics is part of who Pinkie is dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png

Nice update. A little dull after that opening chapter but I know it'll pick up once we make it to the Masquerade! :pinkiehappy:

Venture's pretty bent out of shape; it's one thing to be upset but he's flat out nasty to his friend and the person he's trying to convince! Though I guess I'd be pretty ticked too if one of my friends trying to bail on some fun.

1803881 Yeah, chapter 2 was a bit dull. It was more like a bridge to the rest of the story than actual part of it.:twilightsheepish:
I plan make up for it in future chapters. Especially during The Masquerade! :pinkiehappy:
1802467 Thanks!

I sense catastrophe in the near future...
Nice little piece here! A lot of questions I'm looking forward to seeing answered! I can only imagine Venture's soon-to-be frustration.

Also...

"Fine. Have it your way. You can go ahead and keeping working yourself to death.

See the error?

Keep it up mate!

Cheers,
~Kody910

1851634 Thanks! Chapter 3 may take awhile, since it's likely to be longer than the first chapter, plus the fact that it's the holidays and editing this on my phone isn't exactly the easiest thing ever.:rainbowlaugh:
But, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I hope to put chapter 3 up ASAP!
Oh, and thanks for letting me know about the error. :twilightsheepish:

Brilliant story so far, mate. :D

I only noticed one thing.

"Y-your not going?"

I believe the word you're looking for is... Just that, 'You're'.

Other than that, brilliant story so far, my friend. :pinkiehappy:

1874025 Ah, thanks for pointing out my mistake. :facehoof:
And,thanks, I'm glad you like it! :D

This story will become nothing short of amazing by the time its done >:D Keep up the great work, mien fruend

Haha, never cease to amaze, my friend! I love the little scenario with Pinkie's strange traveling method, and Rarity was a nice touch too! Much like Pinkie, you hit her pretty spot on as well!

That said, I have but three quips with this story. The first two are very minor, don't worry. Firstly, there are just a few misspellings here and there. Consider getting yourself an extra proofreader. Shadowslayer is doing a fine job thus far, but it never hurts to have an extra hand, no?

The second one is a bit more prominent. There are some moments where you swap between past and present tense, and it breaks the immersion ever so slightly. Here's an example, present is in green, past is in red:

You see a small sign hovering under a beam that showed the bakery's signature pink cupcake, and near one of the corners of the roof was a weathervane that appeared as a pony with a candy cane. You roll your eyes at the loud design of the building, and push open the door to the small bakery. The sweet smell of frosting and cake hits your nose as you enter, and you sigh blissfully. It was pleasant, but unusually strong.

Keep your eyes out for that!

And lastly is something that is more of a personal quip of mine...
The attention. This story isn't getting quite enough.

I'll be back in a couple of days. :raritywink:

1880346 Ah, yes. That will be a difficult problem to fix in a re-editing of that chapter, but it will be done eventually. Thank you for pointing this out!:pinkiehappy:
I hope to have chapter 4 complete soon!

I like that you can put out chapters at a reasonable rate especially when you consider how long the chapters are. I haven't gotten around to reading just yet. Tommorow I will though and that's a promise! I will just go ahead and thank Kody910while I am here because he is the one who brought me here and I see him throughout the comments. Even if he doesn't see this then....well fuck it you know who brought me here and I want to give him some credit! I don't know why that exclamation point is there.:derpytongue2: looking forward to reading ;love 2nd person! Everyone here likes ponies I just really like ponies and what to see myself with them. What, a little weird? To bad it's true about most here at this site and ALL reading this comment.

I want to read this, but I hate 2nd person. Do a 3rd person one-shot so I can examine your skill.

I'm so glad to see this updated, especially since now we're getting right into the juicy bit! :pinkiehappy:

But wait a second... :pinkiegasp: is Pinkie even wearing a costume?! I know she probably is and I'm forgetting a description in a prior chapter, but it would have been nice to see our reaction when Pinkie's on that balcony waiting. I think it'd be a rather picturesque scene.

Speaking of which, the costume descriptions interest me. I have a good idea of what Venture's wearing (picturing the plague doctor outfit from Assassin's Creed 2), and of course Celestia would want to be a joker! I'm really curious about what our costume is; it sounds pretty badass nonetheless.

And don't worry about the time between updates! I, for one, would much rather have these quality, well-planned and interesting chapters infrequently than have one-scene wonders every couple of days.

Have a great day :twilightsmile:

2002457 Thank you, I'm glad you liked the update! :pinkiehappy:

As the mention, the stallion

Dang, I still missed some stuff on my go-around!

Like I said, it's really great that you're gonna stick with Masquerade to the end; it really is a charming tale.
i.imgur.com/DGsL3.png

3245015
Everyone misses something in editing, it's unavoidable. It even happens with some published novels. :rainbowlaugh:
And thank you; I can't wait to publish future chapters. :D

Instant like for being a 2nd person without clopfic.

Comment posted by AlkapwnZ deleted Dec 14th, 2013

3625208
Heh, thanks. XD
I'm glad you like my fic! I hope you'll continue to enjoy future updates I have planned. :D

Read as far as "you'v" in the description. Pass.

3625425
Little harsh, yeah? One spelling mistake and you won't even give it a chance?

Everyone reading chapter 6, I am SO sorry about all these odd edits in my story. Including the Tart Tube, Luna's Potato Labyrinth, etc. These will be fixed as soon as I am able.

Good evening, everypony! Welcome to the 467th annual Equestrian Masquerade! First celebrated in Istalia for the successful ruling of their government, this grand festival is celebrated only once every decade in memorial of the nation's brightest age!"

This is a contradictory paragraph. It says that it is the 467th annual event but it also says that it happens once every decade meaning its a Decennial event. ALSO earlier in the story you said it happens every 12 years making it a dozennial(?) event so I'm a little confused.

Geez, "I'm" such a stickler..:facehoof:
Even I want to punch "me".


But that's a good thing. That means it's a believable character.:twilightsmile:
Good job, I'm liking this.

Oh and Ponk, here's a joke to cheer ya up.


A-hem

Physics.:pinkiehappy:

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