- Member Since 15th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 2nd, 2021
Haliton
Just a place to host my pony-related ramblings.
Haliton
Joined 15th Jan, 2012 ·
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FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png
is dat a pole
Not too bad. Could use a little fixing up but nothing major.
1407773 Nope, this is chair(don't know how this type is exactly called in english) you can find similar in bars.
up up down down left right left right B A
Thank me later.
There's more, by the way, this is incomplete.
1407735 You searched for clopfics didn't you
1407827 stool?
1408581 Maaaaybe //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_duck_flip.png
1408717
This doesn't have any yet, though. I needed time to spend setting a mood and some semblance of a further story hook.
1408661 God Bless you, I forgot (how the hell) this word even in polish and I was freaking out here xD Thank you dear sir for unlocking my brain.
1408729
1408759 >God
*Luna //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
1408729
omg some one that take there time whit romance/love story
ty god for this gift
here a pony for you
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSI2MjAxMi8xMC8wOS8wMF8xOF8yOV8zODhfMTE3NTEyX19VTk9QVF9fcmVmbGVjdGlvbgY6BkVU/117512__safe_fluttershy_animated_filly_artist-kennyklent_reflection.gif
1408086 you forgot to press "start"
1409243
You don't need to press enter on fimfiction.
Interesting I shall like forward to more.. Wait am I a human or something?
1409371 1 go here
2 type up up down down left right left right B A enter
3 laugh
4 profit
Wow, I'm really enjoying this so far. I'll definitely be keeping track of this one. How often do you think you will be updating?
Why is it mature?
1410196
It's going to be just a oneshot, this will be wrapped up by next entry.
1410248
It's not actually your dialogue, just roughly whatever you're saying, hence no apostrophes. They're more reflecting your thoughts than anything.
1410683
There will be horse sex in next part
Your writing in general suffers a bit from run-on sentences, but nowhere moreso than in your very first paragraph. You need to be much more careful with your intro, or you'll lose a lot of readers before they can even get into your story.
There was a small scattering of grammatical errors, but they were by no means crippling. The only other thing I'd consider an outright flaw is that, without looking at the tag on the story it would take until the two are getting on the roller coaster to realize the main character is human. This would be less of a problem without the early reference to waking Dash up for work, which gave me the impression of a pegasus (being able to reach her cloud home to wake her).
Your method of building a picture of the MC's relationship with Dash throughout the story was good. It's nice to see writers willing to put some proper character and relationship development into clopfics, and I very much hope to see you use the sex in the next chapter to reflect the development you gave the pair in this one.
Dash's personality was fairly believably done throughout, with her normally brash and proud attitude tempered by sentimentality for her lover.
All in all this was a good intro chapter, and it did its job of making me want to read the conclusion. I'll also have to take a look at your other stories soon.
1411350
Yeah, I did notice that my intro seemed a little off. Thanks for the critique, by the way, I'd really appreciate it if you could be so detailed if you'd do the same for my others.
1411134 Ahhh. Beteer taje a nap.
1409217have you read http://www.fimfiction.net/story/27842/Just-Dropping-In or http://www.fimfiction.net/story/44872/For-Lack-of-a-Better-Word
I think you might want to give this another pass at editing, because I did notice more errors than I usually see from you. There were some grammatical/syntactical errors and some parts that seemed a bit more convoluted than they needed to be.
BUT I really liked the content and you have characterized Dash very well. Just keep an eye on the technical details. As I said, all of your other stories seem just fine in this department. I feel like you may not have gone over this one as thoroughly as your others.
1416753
Thanks. Honestly, I had a lot of trouble characterizing Dash, I had to keep a perfect balance of typical waifu nonsense along with a healthy sense of her brashness and bravado, without turning it into 20% COOLER AWESOME XDDDDD territory. It's also why I had to split it into 2, I wasn't very sure about how this would turn out sure.
1415958 there ok but i like story, like To Love the Moon it feel like a real universe
3.bp.blogspot.com/-FYzXbxD_Auo/UCScUs3QfaI/AAAAAAAACxs/TG5Mz_8vl1g/s1600/GoOn.jpg
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A
I don't get why people are posting the Konami Code here
1432227 try it.
1437833
Oh, heh.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png
This was good
I don't fucking get it. What is with the conversations? What the actual fuck, this has been the hardest thing to read in literally 5 months, so please explain what is going on....
1443193
The self-insert has no real dialogue. Everything there is just roughly what's he's saying, it only describes his thoughts.
1443213 I GET IT NOW IT WAS TOO DAMN OBVIOUS FOR ME TO NOTICE -_-
Nice romantic clopfic.
1443222 you don't notice obivous stuff? like how you are supposed to imagine the dialogue in YOUR OWN WORDS this is a sorta-kinda reader-made-up story you make up the words you say while you read and the writer just puts down the dialogue that she says.....dummy..
also an emoticon that is never used but dosent even relate to the current topic...
1450900 hey hey hey....hey... none of that
we all have our dull moments.
1587088 i guess your's are just duller than most... call it a truce den! *holds out hoof to shake*
1691848 Call me stupid for not being able to comprehend part of the story, though i still read it my own way, yet you can't even spell, and you STILL persist to call me stupid? Fucking hypocrite gtfo.
At first Glance of cover pic:
images.sodahead.com/polls/002212353/522883223_1537991_george_takei_oh_my_super_xlarge.png
Amazing!
I am a HUGE fan of a second person story where the protagonist doesn't ever have any lines of dialogue
It's WAY more immersive
Is the guy Yoda? I'm being dead serious here.... When he talked he says things like "enjoyed it did she?" Spdid no one else notice?
amazing very amazing