I like this story a lot could use a few spelling Error checks other then that I am enjoying it :)

In the library most books where about careers and jobs which does make since, but two books did catch my interest both about magic the first being about what magic is and the later about runs

runes

I move to sit on my bed, and try the most basic step drawing with magic as I focuses on my hoof, I try to concentrate my magic in the front of my left hoof my hoof gaining a small emerald, green shine on one end I focuses? and move my hoof to the left as I do so a line of deep green magic is left in the air.

focus

I don't feel comfortable fixing weird sentences that are present all over this chapters without external aid at the moment with me not being native and all. The text is understandable, I can get what you meant with each sentence but choice of words and order often seems odd.

Nevertheless you are filling my favourite niche of fanfiction exploring magi/tech (considering your mention of one of gems of this site - Hold it Together being your inspiration), your writing could be worse and I would still read it either way. Let's see what future chapter presents. I do hope this chapter is only an introduction and mc will speak more often in next chapters.

Speaking of the caretakers I've learned some of their names the main one being the name of the orphanage head the older unicorn who took me here. Her name is magree limestone her coat is sandstone in color and her main a dark brown although not as dark as my coat and her eyes are a dark blue.

Magree Limestone, first letters in names of ponies are written in capital Sir!

Ore of a personal preference but instead of saying “time skip” using a symbol or the line function “

” might be a bit cleaner.

As are group moved though the busy city streets, I see more ponies mostly unicorns some pegasi and few earth ponies all walking going about their day some carrying things after twenty minutes or so we turn off the busy street and down one with less traffic we pass restaurants ponies eating at tables as we pass by.

As are group?

In the library most books where about careers and jobs which does make since, but two books did catch my interest both about magic the first being about what magic is and the later about runes and spells. First what is magic well it didn't give clear answers like I'd hoped but I did learn that magic is a form of energy that is every ware in the world as far as they can tell, and that using magic requires two things will and math.

Every ware?

The more complex the spell and the more drastic the effect means you need to keep the spall matrix and math firmly in your mind and then you need enough magic to power it. This is part of the reason not many unicorns learn more than the basic spells and most go to magic schools to learn anything more. And also, why only unicorns use this type of magic as if a earth pony or a pagasus did try this method they wouldn't be able to push the spell out of their body's where it's been formed.

Spell*

You need a editor.

As I reach out to touch the rock, I feel the warmth coming off it the stone hot to the touch :it worked: as a large smile spreads across my muzzle, I see faint light coming from me side :hmmm?: as I turn, I see the light coming from my flank. Before there's a flash as I blink the wight spots from my eyes I turn to my flank. excited to see what's on it as I do I see the form of a stone tablet with runic matrix on it the stone is a deep dark color much like lava rock the runes don't seem to have any meaning that I can tell just random numbers after seeing my new cutie mark, I decide to practice more runes before going to bed.

Why of the seven hells are you using : : ?

Everyone in this planet uses " " for dialogue and ' ' for thoughts

I'm just hear

here*

First chapter is ok, aside to the fact that everyone has mentioned the spelling, I have to say... Holy Run-On Sentences...

Its color a soft wight

white*

as I get my barring's I look around the room

Bearings*

Wow that's dry as hay. Also no proofreading. Nice

although I'm defiantly starting to miss meat

definitely*

I can lift maybe half a pound ruffly eight ounces five of six feet away from me

roughly*
or*

And after several attempts I drew two ruff circles of green light

rough*

sorry these weren't one message
i had to take several days to get through this masterpiece of architecture
this wall of text you've erected, is more impregnable than trump's border wall
if writing fanfiction doesn't work out, you can definitely fall back on your skill as a builder

All jokes aside it's looking pretty good so far, the concept of runes sounds like something you could really build on.
[Here the main character uses something simple that most others do not bother with and likely will not have in their possession. This will end up causing Shade's enemies to have more complicated abilities by comparison; this is a good thing.
Because that way, if you decide to turn this into an action story, every fight will revolve around the powers of everypony besides Shade, which will make every fight we see unique.
(It's like that in quite a few animes. Where every character has an interesting and unique ability, but the main character just punches really hard)

I'm not sure I'm a big fan of what you did to his cutiemark though.
a Pony's cutiemark is what defines them, your main character has gibberish on his flank?; not how I would've done it.
I feel like you should've either:
a) used the most basic rune, like the first rune in the runic alphabet to symbolize mastery over all runes.
b) used an unknown rune that's kept top secret by the higher ups for being too dangerous, to show that he has serious potential.

I admit there's still a chance you might be going for option b.

Oh but don't take any of this too seriously, just some constructive criticism.

Can't wait to read more!

The extreme run-on sentences make it really difficult to read and the spelling/grammar is not good either.

Looking past that, the story has potential, but is also very rushed. One other criticism is the lack of focus on emotion or other characters.

I imagine the yelling in the beginning was the parents deciding to give him up to adoption?

Why didn’t anypony consider MC during his tenure at the orphanage? Did the headmare not consider sending any notices to earth pony towns about his availability?

And surely, somepony noticed him practicing and improving at some point. Right?

Author, the lack of correct punctuation made the cadence quite difficult, but I think the content was good enough to make me want to continue reading. I’d call that a ‘win’ for a first time.

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ikr, get this guy an editor, jesus.

I have no clue how stories like this get featured, maybe the story is good but how are you gonna see the story if you can't get past the first chapter.

How long have I been here anyway?. Is this it?. Ok what do I know I'm Kevin leery forester I'm twenty one I was born in 2001 in the state Ohio in Columbus no job lost my last one to budget cuts last month and no living family not many friends and no pets.

Okay *cracks knuckles* time for grammar lesson time.

How long have I been here anyway?.

You only use one punctuation mark at a time unless it's an ellipsis (...), don't put a period after a question mark.

I'm Kevin leery forester

Capitalize your proper nouns (the names of locations and people) last and middle names are seperate from the first name and must be capitalized as well.

I'm twenty one

It's twenty-one, with a hyphen, probably the most nitpicky grammar correction but it's still something that should be noted.

in the state Ohio in Columbus

The way this is phrased implies that Ohio is in Columbus, rather than the other way around. You could rephrase it as "in Columbus, Ohio".

Ok what do I know I'm Kevin leery forester I'm twenty one I was born in 2001 in the state Ohio in Columbus

Use commas to seperate the clauses, with a conjunction in between, this is to prevent it becoming a run on sentence. A clause is a phrase consisting of a subject and a verb (EX: I was born in 2001 in the state Ohio in Columbus) "I" is the subject and "born" is the verb.
Also, use commas to seperate the items in a list (EX: I like apples, carrots, and pears). Kevin here lists facts about himself. Here's one way to correct the sentence with what I've said so far, "Okay, what do I know? I'm Kevin Leery Forester, I'm twenty-one, I was born in 2001 in Columbus, Ohio."

no job lost my last one to budget cuts last month and no living family not many friends and no pets.

This is a seperate sentence, lists can only get so long.
"I have no job --lost my last one to budget cuts last month-- and no living family, not many friends, and no pets."

Please get an editor. This story has potential, but it'd be hard for it to be realized without proper grammar. You don't have to learn proper grammar (though i recommend it) you can just get someone as an editor. I am volunteering for that, by the way.

How would you feel about me sending you an edited version of the chapter? Nothing will be changed, I'd just make it easier to read.

I feel like putting in Time Skip every time there was a time skip is redundant to a story, like it should be more separated by [ hr] instead

I also use the auto-reading thing to listen to stories while I work and it’s always super jarring when there’s a run-on sentence in a story or other small easy to miss mistakes, since when read aloud by a robot voice these mistakes are glaringly obvious.

I feel like you don't understand the function of a (.)period.

The writing itself has a litany of issues, but it remains largely coherent, and the Idea is interesting enough.

How long have I been here anyway?. Is this it?. Ok what do I know I'm Kevin Leery Forester I'm twenty one I was born in 2001 in the state Ohio in Columbus no job lost my last one due to budget cuts last month and no living family not many friends and no pets.

What else?(—— My main hobbies are cartoons, reading bad fanfiction and games and that's it? What else do I say? Well fuck is this really it literally just a black void and my own head....why am I not panicking or sad? Can I even get sad?(——

After a moment she seems to cast a spell on me be before finding a piece of paper and casting the spell on it.

but much like my coat it too is a deeper color

said their first word after a weeks ago so I started to do the same now

I may have to look into that later but for now it's only an interesting

The other book went more in depth about a spell's matrix,(—— and the runic spells use the same math formulas to do the same signs in different ways.

Now as you can imagine I was pretty excited that I could actually do magic, I read the entire book that day(—— and the next day I went to my room with a small rock and the book that I was able to borrow with a promise to be careful with my attempts. At first, I was surprised they would give an eight year old a book on spells but the only three spells in the book are one for heating, cooling,(—— and a weak lifting spell.

I see a faint light coming from my side

So, first things first I'm new to writing and criticism is appreciated

I was born in 2001 in the state of Ohio

Impossible, there's nothing in ohio

Well, since you've asked for critiques... I really like the idea behind your story so far, but your inexperience as a writer really shows, both in terms of formatting and in your style. Great starting point for improving would be reading this: https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide

Oh my Celestia, the run-on sentences... Every single paragraph is a single sentence. Commas are not periods. Try reading one of these averaged-size paragraphs verbally, you'll find you can't, because generally, you don't stop to take a breath after a comma.

My ideal paragraph length is 2-3, sentences +/- one depending on context when I'm writing. These paragraphs should probably have 3-4 periods. To simplify things in a general way that doesn't cover everything, you shouldn't have more than one(or) comma in a sentence. Commas are used to connect two sentences:

"I walked one of my dogs. While my sister walked another." --> "I walked one of my dogs, while my sister walked another."

One to two commas isn't exactly an absolute rule, for example, given compound sentences i.e. "I went to the first, second, third, and last ride at the water park." But we'll ignore extra rules like compound or complex sentences for now, if there's anything you take away is that there should 2-4 periods in each of your paragraphs.

Other than that, you should find an editor, or worst case scenario if you can't find an editor, feed your story into something like chatGTP to fix it, then reread it. ChatGTP might make unwanted changes or mistakes of its own. It's a great resource you can even ask for critiques on. Google Doc's autocorrect tool probably won't go as far as adding periods or revising the text to the degree that is needed.

I believe someone else posted Fimfiction's writing guide somewhere, it's a great resource but it mostly covers subjects like how to format and create a story rather than cover grammar issues. I can see that this one period per paragraph thing is consistent all the way up to the latest chapter, you should probably take some time to learn and practice better grammar(either on the story or elsewhere) before you start to develop a bad habit/style of writing that consists of such grammatical issues.

And, if you're feeling up to it at some point in the future, come back and edit or have them edited. For now, that's my piece, I avoid stories that have major grammar issues generally as they make my brain hurt, no matter how much I'm enjoying the story itself. Hopefully, I can come back in the future to read such an intriguing story you have here.

There were some spelling and grammar errors, like with punctuation and run on sentences. I also saw you misspelled the word "white". I'm assuming you've gotten better in the hundred-odd thousand words since this chapter, with how often I see this make front page. It makes it a bit hard to immerse myself.

Not sure how much you've improved since starting, but I think it might be worth you or an editor going over this chapter again.

This story has good promise, but the grammar and spelling is hurting the flow.

Lots of time skips it must be boring growing up in a orphanage only training alone no real tru friends jeast boring stuff

11883418
Tbh orphanages in stories are either the most boring orphanages or the most chaotic.

It would be interesting to have some runs already drawn on the body, in the form of a tattoo, runes for strength, reflex, speed, increased senses, detecting magic, etc.

A few things I've learned that are important one most ponies consider fifteen to be an adult which seemed a little weird but ponies in my past life were adults a five or six and only lived for twenty-five to thirty and I've gotten to meet some ponies here that are way older one in their seventies. And ponies also seem to mature a bit faster than humans.

And supposedly Granny Smith was one of Ponyville's founders
Which either means that Ponies have incredible life expectancies...
Or Granny Smith is a Highlander.

The main reason I chose this job is because it gives me plenty of time to research as I'm allowed to read on my break and before and after my shift. I also get free access to the library and can check out as many books as I like as long as I take them back every month. On top of all of that I also get a rent-free room, nothing fancy but still my own space. After learning all this I decided to go for this one. it took a week for them to send a letter saying I was accepted and after that I started my new job tomorrow.

Seriously! That is a STEAL!
What's the catch?

I won’t bother with the spelling, grammar, and syntax errors currently present in this chapter. Other commenters have covered that adequetly.

Instead, I’d like to address the narrative depth. More specifically, the lack of it. Having read through this first chapter, here’s my takeaway. This main character did literally nothing but train, read, go to a library, and learn runecraft… for the first ten years of his life.

Not a single other thing worth mentioning in ten years. This guy is literally an NPC, a robot. He didn’t meet anyone, he didn’t talk to anyone. Made zero friends. Had no communication with ANYONE outside of his teachers and tutors. Not a single interesting interaction. No mistakes made in that time. No run-ins with the law. No incredible discoveries. No self-discovery. Nobody came close to discovering his secret. Nothing.

For ten years.

Ten of the most important years of every thinking being’s life, and, from what you wrote, or rather didn’t write, nothing happened.

This is the problem with timeskips, especially when they’re done like this. They imply, and actually kinda outright state: “NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENS BETWEEN THE LAST THING YOU READ AND NOW.” And that’s not the worst thing when you have a lot of ground to cover, time-wise, but to be honest, the first ten years of a character’s life is like… a whole arc of a story. Maybe three or four chapters at least, but one? Trying to cram that much time into this few words is a foregone conclusion.

If you’re going to describe a character’s life from start to finish, do that. If you’re gonna skip all that and get right into their adult life, do that. Do not do both. People who want to read a well though out story with deep character development and slow burn will be disappointed, because this chapter is most of the good parts of the story for them, compressed into one choppy run-on chapter. People who want to see interesting interactions with the main 6 are also equally disappointed here because this chapter not only isn’t what they want to read, it’s also not helping them understand the character at all. Everyone is disappointed.

Tl;Dr
You tried to cram way too much into one chapter. You need to slow down. Way down. If you want to keep what’s in this chapter, you need to take each time skip and expand it out to a couple of paragraphs at least, if not a whole chapter. Each.

If you don’t want to do that, then cut all this and have a cold open. Start writing what you want to write and reveal the backstory as you go. I do not recommend this option as it requires advanced writing and narrative practices that you do not possess. At least you didn’t when you wrote this chapter.

I like the idea, but as a writer you are seriously lacking. I wish you luck and hope you continue writing and improving. I hope this comment doesn’t come off as too aggressive or offensive. I’m just trying to be honest about the extent of the issues here. Peace and love

my theory is that a pony's mind is less geared towards math than a human's although I don't know the reason, I just can't see another possibility.

The protagonist comes to a lot of weird conclusions that don't seem well thought out for someone who's been alive for 20 years, seeming to jump to whatever idea then not considering possible alternatives. It's not overly strange, and it's not a bad thing, just kind of interesting.

In this case for example, an important detail he forgot is that his sample size is entirely orphans. It's possible, even likely that the lacking of math skills is more environmental then anything. Being raised in an orphanage rather then in a family could lead to lots of differences, socially and academically.

I do want to mention, with how little of substance happens through his early years, you could have gotten away with skipping most of this chapter entirely and simply referencing the early days of his life when necessary. The only important things covered are that he's an orphan, and he's working on his earth pony magic. Both things that could have been covered in a couple paragraphs when they became relevant to the story.

Now, if through thos time we got to explore how his relationships with the other foals or his caretakers developed through his foalhood, got to know some of the characters, then going into a bit of detail about his early life would be a great way to cover that

time skip

Needed

I've learned the names of a few other ponies but mostly I haven't the orphanage houses around a hundred or so orphans, so they have quite a few staff members. Another interesting thing is eating, after we turned ten months old, they started to feed us solid food mostly soft stuff some bread, fruit. And a few other plants that humans don't eat often or at all like daisies and hay at first, I was a bit apprehensive but after trying them they aren't that bad although I'm definitely starting to miss meat.

EAT.MEAT

11837036
Great, now You Will appear un ALL the fics that i read

Good day/night btw

11901684
hahaaaa
it must mean we both have good taste
where else have you seen me?