- Member Since 8th May, 2023
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PrincePegacornV
a reader... and a sometimes writer of fantasy
PrincePegacornV
Joined 8th May, 2023 ·
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I just hope that Dusk's f***ed-up world burns as karma.
Sure, he may never come back. But at least he doesn't give a shit, if it's destroyed.
Seriously, totally f**k those guards and those two stallion-hating evil whore "princesses".
Promising start! I'll keep my eye on this.
Hope this more chapters coming
Enjoying this portrayal of Dusk, looking forward to more chapters soon.
11810093
nah can't dis that version of Luna she tried but I guess the other Celestia just has more power over things....might just lead up to a nightmare moon event, might be fun to have dusk come back to that
i wonder if the elements in dusks world accended him for a reason and since he was banished his world might be about to have problems. or perhaps dusk is the elements of his worlds lifeboat to escape that worlds alicorns
This is so interesting! Can't wait for more!
11810093
As I stated in the A/N, Dusk's version of his world is a much darker place that Twilight's Equestria. I did toy with the notion of his world being destroyed initially, but decided to just not worry about it, thus providing Dusk's depression in further chapters.
11810116
11810235
Oh, I certainly have many more chapters to go. This tale isn't finished yet by a long shot! Thnx for reading my second tale here on this site
11810152
I did do a side chapter about Goddess Selene *somewhere*. I can tell you that she is nothing like Luna, as Luna is rather like a virgin princess, while Selene is a very "playful" type of goddess, playful meaning a lot of lovers. However, her sister merely tolerates Selene's antics, thus no "Nightmare" event has occurred, nor will. Solaria's thoughts about her younger sister are that Selene's activities is an escape for the moon goddess, and therefore keeping her sister "entertained".
11810206
Dusk never knew about the elements, nor did he care about them. His world's version of the tree of Harmony is quite hidden, so he never knew of that, either. His ascension was merely from the completion of some random spell.
Glad that you all have been enjoying these first few chapters! I'm already working on my next few chapters and will publish them as I complete them.
11810362
just because dusk did not know about the elements does not mean he was not being moved by them. i mean didnt cadence have the crystal heart on her cutiemark without knowing about it? I dont think dusk should have to know the elements had a plan for him and neither do we but it is a interesting question to ask.you probs already have an idea of the why and how but for all we know dusk could have supposed to be someone needed in his equestria. I am slightly curious about why the tree is hidden in dusks equestria as that could imply that the sisters might not be as in line with it as they think if it is hidden
11810373
You have a fairly good idea there, about Dusk being motivated remotely by the Tree, Even in Twilight's Equestria, the Tree did move things in its way, regardless of events. That Dusk had no idea concerning the Tree, is something that I feel does have importance, yet not enough to warrant explanation. Just random background noise as I see it. Much of Dusk's own background will be spoken of, but only in parts as the story progresses, often to reveal his motives. You might reread the Prologue to get a glimpse of his past, and his thought processes presently. Like I said, he is a very darker version of Twilight, and one who never had her opportunities as he grew up.
The sisters, now. Why did I call them goddesses? Like Greek gods and goddesses, they are present, but remote and hidden. They remain in their castle while ruling the land and ponies but are never seen by the general population. I actually have not developed them beyond anything else but as motivation for Dusk to be thrown out of his world.
Thanks for the comment. I do appreciate.
11810362
Just as long as his "original" dark world doesn't exist indefinitely.
Very fun story so far, from the sound of this story the Lunar rebellion never happened Celestia and Luna had ruled for the past millennia uninterrupted, and Dusk was just some librarian mage and never was tutored by Celestia. I do like that Dusk has baggage from where he came from and isn't looking to create his own harem. The writing is a little too exposition bump-y at the moments, neglecting introducing Twilight as a proper character, but still good, and I think it will keep on improving. I wonder how Dusk personality is similar to Twilight and how much more distinctive/different then she is, from the sound of it he seems pretty humble like her and is a scholar at heart despite sounding more pessimistic, but I take it we will discover more about him soon enough. Looking forward to seeing more of this story, keep it up dude.
11811275
Thank you for your thoughts.
Let me just say that I am no writer, but rather a pianist and composer with a fondness for these pony characters. For me, it is easier to compose a string quartet than truly write prose. That said, I am making the effort to tell some story ideas that I have with these characters whenever I find the time. I am retired from any public performances, so I have time now to do some writing of my tales that I have thought of.
A lot of Dusk will be taken from my own experiences. Like Dusk, I grew up in a ghetto, so let us be honest: I know how that is. While I left that far behind. I still have that with me. "You can take me out of Compton, but you cannot take Compton out of me". Oh, I'm no Dr. Dre, nor would I ever want that. Besides, I'm white...
That is Dusk's dark side and is often his motivational reasons for what he does. Chapter three is where things get interesting...
11811338
Nice dude, and if you are interested in hearing it, especially sense you are a musician, you could do what I do in writing or just reading fanfics, you use a text to speech program like balabolka (yes it's totally free) and use it to proofread yourself in determining how well the writing flows or hear how it sounds to your readers. It has massively helped my a lot in learning on how to properly write in English, or just writing in general, to a level that I didn't though possible before. I used it constantly to copy and paste fanfic text and listen to it while I do art, which helps to keep me focus, essentially sense I can't even stand listening to the same music in loops four hours on end anymore, so it's a good substitute. And with you being a musician I think you might just apricate it more, being more attuned with your ears and all.
Also if you want to see some of my work or my work in progress you can go to my DeviantArt Gallery here or my Youtube channel. Here is a video, featuring Dusk Shine, enjoy
This version of Dusk is such a perv lol. Love it.
11811457
Nice to see another chapter so soon. Looks like Dusk's upbringing was rather pretty bleak with his mother as a prostitute, not sure if he even knew her, or maybe even his sister/brother Shining Armor; maybe he was put in an orphanage, or a religious convent where he was at least educated enough to become a archivist/librarian but was never really became a pony of note. He also sounds like he is pretty horn dog with some of his lecherous self-reflection he has done of Twilight and others. From the Sound of it Twilight already seems to accept Dusk already as a long lost brother and would be willing to include him in the Sparkle family, I would what they would think of him? Still Dusk sounds like he has a lot of character flaws which could land him into trouble especially with his status. From the sound of it Dusk did made the same friends in the slums, which seemed to where Ponyville was located, so it seemed that Destiny had also a hand at play in this, so it might be possible that he will go back to his home reality later down the road.
For the writing, my text to speech suggestion still stand, but I think you could also use a editor to help you with with a more natural flow and wording of your sentences, seeing at this point it's noticeable that you are not a native English speaker yourself. One thing to point out it's either 'recite' or 'tab' or even 'ledger' if you want it you want it to sound more natural.
Keep it up dude.
11811530
Several thoughts here from your comment:
1) I live in California, LA to be precise
2) I refer you to comment 13 below. I am a pianist, not a paid writer or professional in any manner of thought;
3) Dusk did live with his mother, and he was her only foal, so he never had any siblings (Gleaming Shield or Shining Armor)
4) Very quick of you to pick on Ponyville being akin to Dusk's Equus Downs, although Ponyville is no ghetto, but happens to be equally distant from the Castle of the Two Sister, whereas the Downs are about the same distance from Castle Equus, where the two goddesses rule.
5) Dusk does have a history, having been part of a drug lord's gang as a paid mage. This powerful dude provided Dusk with the means to learn more of magic, and thus you can see where that will lead. Of course, being in the ghetto meant that Dusk had to go with the flow, or probably die...
6) Dusk really is a horn dog. Once part of the gang, he always had plenty of female company...Even more so once he gained his wings
7) Thoughts about Twilight and Dusk: Being that they are both supposed to be elements of magic, personally I feel that while they may become friends, but rather like two similar poles of a magnet, they just might be repelling to each other, often leading to harsh words exchanged. I have a few chapters of them disagreeing rather loudly at each other, none which are canon to the present tale, but rather could become like side scenes at a later place, if not actually be published as such side tales.
Good thoughts, friend. Thanks.
Well that does explain why the way he say wanting to sleep with Twilight first time he met her this is going to be comedy gold.
11811595
I'm half expecting it to happen... be it a drunken night or when the tension builds to breaking
11811807
I feel like they started yelling each other and things get heated.
11811574
How many mares did you get pregnant and up what are chances he do it again here.
11812017
Only Dusk knows that, and maybe?
11812038
Twilight: DUSK SO HELP ME IF YOU BECOME A DEAD BEAT OF A FATHER I SWEAR I WILL REMOVE WHAT MAKES YOU A STALLION.
Is I how imagine, along with a lot of foal support.
First, I would like to say I think this story has a lot of potential, as do you. I love how the two worlds, while they have similarities, don't mirror each other. They aren't just opposites. It's like if you gave two authors a synopsis of a story and asked them to write it. You get two completely different stories with a few similarities.
That said, I feel you have some work to do to live up to that potential.
First, the dialoge. It's very stiff, and robotic. For example;
I've never heard an actual person say it like this. They say something more along the lines of, "I wouldn't mind a mare, right now" or even just, "A mare in my bed would be nice."
Second issue; Pacing. He arrives in Equestria and Twilight was just there. No reason. She's just there. Not only that, but she immediately invites him home with her. She's encountered enough freaky shit that she should not be that trusting of some random 'pony' (because for all she knows he might be a skinwalker) she just met.
Finally, Dusk's reaction to others. He treats everyone he meets as if they are their counterparts. With Celestia, it makes sense. She's actually the same in appearance, and is basically the thing of his nightmares. Everyone else, though, are clearly different, yet he even calls them by their counterparts' names. I can get him assuming their personalities are similar, so him cutting off Pinkie before she could be Pinkie at him makes sense, but not calling her Berry.
I hope this might help, and I look forward to seeing you grow.
P.S. An editor would really help. There are groups that help find someone for that.
11812062
Ha-ha-ha!
No.
Nice and funny, but no. Dusk may be a bit of a horn dog, but in all honesty, him with Twilight will probably be a no-go, if Celestia has any say. Sure, Dusk would be like any other stallion and have some fun with Twilight, just like any other stallion (or Human). Might make for an interesting side tale, though, but this story is not a clopfic.
This story is only getting started, and as it gets more into the tale, I bet your ideas may change...
This is a interesting take on mirror mirror, I love story's that have a lil "darkness" to them!
11812081
I am grateful for your insight.
Regarding Dusk already naming others, he has only his friends' name to fall back on, but he is also sharp of hearing to note when Twilight named her Pinkie. Therefore, he called Pinkie Berry as that was normally her name in his world as a stallion.
Regarding pacing, I am accepting that most all readers have the knowledge of why Twilight might have been there, since she often went there to look up in the old castle's library, canon-wise. Sure, I acknowledge that I had issues with the prose; I'm an okay writer. But honestly, have you read some of these stories here? Atrocious... I'm not say that I am any better, but I am also going by feel here. Far easier to compose a four-voiced double-fugue that a prose story, but I will give it a try anyway.
11812102
Why wouldn't he treat them like ponies he doesn't know yet? I mean, that's what they are, after all.
As for Twilight being at the castle, she really wasn't there that often. Actually count the number of episodes she went to the castle. She only actually went there 6 times in the entire series. Heck, after episode 1, she didn't return until season 4.
Also, never compare yourself or your stories to those terrible ones. It's a terrible habit and won't do you any favors. Look at better stories and ask yourself, "how can I be even better than those?" You have a fantastic concept, and that already puts you leagues above most. You just need to work on your delivery.
What a grate start! <-- spelling intentional
This is interesting -- are you suggesting that using magic is actively pleasurable? I don't think i've run into that notion, i like it.
(I wonder (you do not have to answer) but i wonder why Solaria is so weary. From doing something really hedonistic and evulz, i assume.)
After starting out in a crapsack world like that, wherever Dusk goes has got to be better, right? Right?
Ultimate pickup line.
It is always time for my lord Discord's silliness.
(The funeral director disagreed, too.)
please tell me that you meant off-white, lol, please
11812085
Well by a look of it there be high of chance of it happening
I feel like your intentionally setting up Dusk and Twilight here.
11831546
Maybe?
11831552
Invite me to the wedding than, Dusk "baggy eyes" yawning coming coming little ones *crying little foals*
Giving 'Tia a bit of an ego, there! Twilight is a good pony and there is no reason (unless you plan to supply one) to expect that she would have turned evil without Celestial tutelage.
SNRK
Um. Hrrrm. Is Dusk supposed to be sympathetic? The "I'm a jerk 'cos my world sucked" is laid on a little thick. He's had plenty of chance to notice that Celestia and Luna are not the same as his evil diarchs, so there really is no call to be so disrespectful. If i were there, i'd be advising Celestia to arrange a little "accident" for him before the end of the week, but i am just pragmatic like that.
What's the drug? Amanibhavam extract?
Well this Dusk is certainly no saint now that we know he was used as an assassin and not just some record clerk and handy mage. At the moment he sounds like he only follows rules and laws because it would bring the hammer down on him if he did it to specific ponies and not for fundamental belief and wellness of everyone, at which would give him the false impression he can do anything with without risk to anyone who is lower on the totem pole, at least not until is all explodes on his face. I would wonder what Twilight assessment of him will be if he doesn't eventually come completely clean to any of the princesses or the Mane 6. I would guess he would be kept under tutelage by the crown, and be placed in a far off domain where where he won't put the alicorn in any embarrassing legal incidences, or kept isolated if he does worst. He will probably need a big wake up before then.
The writing is less clunky and the characters have more of a feel of personality that I can recognize to them compared to the earlier chapters; great job on that, keep it up.
Let me think here...
1) 'Tia is only expressing the notion that Twilight might have turned out differently had she not been tutored and guided by Celestia. Id est, a roll of the dice which could come up "snake-eyes" or "boxcars". I am leaving the whole "princess ruler" out of the conversation thing here (I am not trying to be meta; Twilight already understood that she is a princess but has yet to realize that she will soon sit on Celestia's throne).
2) Okay, I am a little slow here with your remark. I am taking your "SNRK" to mean "snark", meaning that you feel a bit of overkill on the precautionary measures that 'Tia is requiring. Perhaps a bit too much, but Celestia is only trying to keep Twilight safe from any potential harm here, in an entirely motherly manner, and not merely ruler of Equestria.
3) Answer to your question: NO. I do not want Dusk to be sympathetic. He IS a jerk, period. This will leave the story to follow him as he becomes a better pony, entailing his character's growth. Have you ever read the G. B. Shaw play "Pygmalion"? In that tale, a gentleman takes a destitute flower girl and turns her into a "Lady" within the setting of Victorian England. My tale sort of parallels that play in a way but reversing the genders of both.
And yet, things aren't as black and white here, either. There is no "Romance" tag for a reason.
11831974
Thnx for your comment. Remember that I am flying by the seat of my pants here, or in other words, sans-editor. I took several days to come up with this chapter the way it i8s after three versions, none that I found expressed the story's vector properly. I guess that I will do that for future chapters.
Recall that I am certainly not a prose writer, but a composer of music. I just feel I need to write a tale of these colorful ponies, and therefore I am. Not a big and entirely original tale (read my comment below), just a mature version. Much of Dusk's behavior is based on where I grew up, being mere steps from Compton, California, where a lot of gangster rap came from. Anf that part of my life was during the Seventies...
11831689
Also:
Say, WHAAA...?
Hehe, no, just a little helper to increase libido, plus some amphetamine mixture (as in, Meth). The overall effect is akin to an aphrodisiac.
And do note the "Narcotics" tag, as that was his world he grew up in.
11832264
https://unbeliever.fandom.com/wiki/Amanibhavam
I was just making an obscure reference... I would think amanibhavam extract would probably act like a drug to equinids.
You really are heading there, but then again they sound like angry couples.
11849460
Is love ever a straight line?
11849467
No it not they always say opposite attract one another
Whoo-hoo! I'm over five hundred views! I need a Pinkie Party!
Thanks to all whom have read my little tale!
11849586
You write really interesting story that why you have that many, hope more people read it too
I really hope that this dusk shine and Temple Shadow meet and get it on
loving the story so far. i cant stop checking back every day to see if there is more to read.
11849993
It is a slow process for me. I'm not a wprdsmith, just a fanboi...
11849912
Do you mean Tempest Shadow? Now that would be an interesting ship! And they would "meet", not eat meat!
(Sorry, my internal Twilight came out to be didactic about how another talks...)