Dash Finds A Normal Video Tape

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quakeSanchez

quakeSanchez #1 · January 15th · · 5 ·

shouted Twilight, wearing her purple shirt and purple jeans and black shoes, as she walked down the steps

And just like that, the interest in this story drops significantly, and nobody wants to continue reading.

Seriously, why should anybody care about girl's attire and it's colors? It's an awkward and pointless description. So many beginner writers make this mistake, too. It's an eyesore, but they still keep it in the text.

Usually, if such details are kept in the text, it's for a reson, say, if an article of clothes says something about the character (for example, they are wearing an immaculate suit and a tie even during a hot day) or a situation they are in.

Seriously, unless there is something ironically relevant written on the shirt, don't bring it to the attention of the readers. We care if Twilight's nipples are visible through it. Regardless, we want to see the shirt come off and we are interest in how it will come off. The color? Who cares about it's color?

she walked to the basement door, closed it, and followed her friend to the kitchen. Putting the box on the table.

What is this? Twilight follows Dash, that's the only meaningful information. It's irrelevant if Twilight closed the basement's door and if she did it by hand or with her magic.

Why the tense jumps from past 'Twilgiht walked/closed' to continuos 'putting'?

Basically, when you write like this, the story doesn't flow. The word count gets inflated. Your readers feel like they are wasting their time.