I do what must be done. Also, I like comic books and cartoons.
Celestia's older brothers have been in seclusion since before the Rise of Nightmare Moon, and now it's Luna's first birthday since she got back from the moon, and they've been invited. The only problem is, their seclusion has changed them.
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Before anything else I'd like to say that.
"Holy wall of text, Batman!" Robin cried, staring, aghast, at the wall of text they currently faced.
"Have no fear Robin, for we shall use the bat-grapples to ascend this monstrosity!" Batman assured him, preparing to throw his bat-grapple.
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1381528
1381530
Indeed, it was a pain to read with its walls of text.
errm just so you know people do not under any curcumstances write about alicorn OC's for there first story especially not ocs that are celestias brothers and if this is a trollfic well done if not you have to get rid of the wall of text and actually have some white in there somewhere
HOLY CRAP.........
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1381528 That should be TWE's battlecry/theme song.
God no. Please. Red and black. If he's earth related wouldn't he be... oh idk brown and green? Black and Red Alicorns are pretty much disasters waiting to happen. Speaking of which were is the person who posts that 'We are Legion, for we are many' picture.
Walls of text. They hurt. Please take a look at a book and tell me if you see two or more people speaking in the same paragraph. And separate your paragraphs...
Hit enter twice like I just did right there. See. See that space. Do it for every time a new character speaks.
Thoughts: Italics, not quotation marks
WHOOSH!
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Thorlol: TWE Mod
Scrap it.
Either improve or never write again, that's all I can say to you.
How do you improve? Well for starters, make an OC that doesn't make people cringe, space your paragraphs, and cut the purple prose crap.
When you manage that you'll have a hoof forward.
If not, then go away.
1381621
>'We are Legion, for we are many'
Did someone call?
1381664
That's awesome.
1381668
Well... unless you're AJiBP Apple short they seriously think that their character is unique.
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Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.
Do not get this in the popular box.
Do not expect upvotes.
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So... Red and Black self-insert OCicorn. Strike one.
You've never heard of double-spacing, separating paragraphs and spacing itself. Strike two.
Pony Creator as cover image. STRIKE THREE, YOU BE OUT, MAN.
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Getting an editor wouldn't be a bad idea.
1381723
Bitch, I'm the Thimble, I do what I want.
1381664 OH FUCK MY SIDES!
A red and black Gary Stu self insert alicorn OC who is Celestia and Luna's brother?
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Please, just don't. Writing these kinds of stories, especially with the WALLS OF FUCKING TEXT, just ensures a shit ton of hate.
I GET IT!! My story sucks! Relax, it's just the prologue, I can get an editor before I post the next chapter. I can improve! Cut me some slack, it's my FIRST story! Also, It's not self-insert... I think. What exactly constitutes a self-insert fic?
1381664 You are a saint for posting this.
1381797 why thanks, but I have yet to receive an answer. WHAT CONSTITUTES A SELF-INSERT FIC?
1381787
If I had a penny for every time I heard "it's my first story, go easy on it" then I would be a very rich man.
First story or not, bad OC is bad OC. Doesn't matter how 'cool' or 'edgy' it is. Fix it.
Someone get this man an editor!
Whoops. I'm wrong about the self-insert thing. See the below post.
1381787
Self-insert (or sometimes called Mary Sue/Gary Stu) is a character that is created by the author to be absolutely perfect in every way.
Also, the first story excuse doesn't work that well. I've seen plenty of authors with amazing first stories that don't use the crutch "This is my first story, go easy on me guys"
1381787 Self Inserts are characters that appears out of nowhere, but already know everything and everypony, or just become friends with the canon characters easily than count to ten.
If you are willing to hear the mass amount of hate and improve, you are the type of author that any community need. I would recommend scraping your story, chance a thing or two, like switching his color, because well... You already have seen what R&B alicorns get.
And don't expect mercy because it's your first fic, be able to make the first impression the greatest, it's a good author's virtue. And yeah... We are here to read great stories written by great authors, not to read a unedited wall of text. If you want to post it, be prepared to take the heat.
1381819
Which character is supposedly perfect? Aquinus has lost all joy, Terrestrion hates everypony (you may not have gotten that impression in this chapter, but it's much more clear in the next one) Silver Wind, well, I haven't really developed a personality for Nightshade, Silver Wind, and Tydallion yet, but they aren't all that important. I'm taking them out by the end of the aforementioned next chapter. Which brings us to the fact that I've tried to write in personality flaws for all of my OCs. Well, all of them that I've chosen to give personalities.
Polka, anyone?
1381621 well, it's a little late to change the colors of one of the main characters, don't ya think? Besides, I already had the idea for this story in my head, when I gained a strong desire to have my first MC-OC be my favorite colors. I originally planned on having that OC be a pegasus, but when I started writing this story I realized that I would post this chapter before I could finish any other story concepts. But really, I apologize, I simply wasn't thinking about the reaction my red-and-black-alicorn OC would receive.
Just....
Just don't.....
There is a reason for those thumbs down mate.
Get help...
i didnt mind at least it was a good attempt
This is horrible. Get an editor, and stop writing horrible stories.
all these dislikes... IT'S JUST THE PROLOGUE!!!
I CAN IMPROVE!! JUST GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS, I'LL GET BETTER!!!
1381924
Allow me to show you a simple equation.
Red and Black+Alicorn+spiky manecut=dark/edgy overpowered character.
I doubt you would have known about the red and black alicorn hate. Just a tip but spend about a month or so reading through fics to see what's accepted as good and what's hated. Then simply write like the accepted stuff.
Of course alicorn ocs are only half your problem. You also have the speaking problem. Take a look at the fics in the featured box, most of those fics have the proper way to write dialogue (unless it's a trollfic that was done exceptionally well).
1381974 That's exactly what my original idea for Terrestrion was: Celestia's evil/crazy older brother that seeks the destruction of Harmony (or some other, equally overdone antagonistic goal)
1381993
Ah. It was a decent concept. Maybe ditch this attempt and try something similar. He doesn't have to be related to the princesses. He doesn't have to be an Alicorn. Sometimes some of the best villains are the people who look like they could be your jolly uncle, and to some people, are.
1381787
Hi. I didn't read your story; I actually just looked at the comments, because when people have a lot of downvotes and comments, the comments usually make for interesting reading.
I just wanted to say that the authors/reviewers who answered you, in regards to your question about what a self-insert is, don't know what the hay they're talking about.
Self-insertion is a literary device in which a character who is the real author of a work of fiction appears as a character within that fiction, either overtly or in disguise. This differs somewhat from a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu, which is a character so perfect that they are amazing in appearance, have no flaws, and every one loves them. Self-inserts can be done well. Mary-Sues/Gary-Stus are only ever successful when they're meant for satirical purposes. Self-inserts CAN be Sues/Stus, but aren't necessarily always Sues/Stus.
In any case, no matter what people say about your writing, you should keep at it. Listen to the helpful tips and try to improve -- We all start somewhere and if you take constructive criticism to heart, you can only go up.
1382020 But... I'm already a third of the way into writing the next chapter...
1382044
See if there's anything you can salvage from it then.
1382039 See... that's what I though that self-insert meant, but I wasn't sure. Also, I haven't been given many helpful tips. Most just criticize my choice in OC colors, my spacing, and otherwise ridicule my OCs. I would very much like plot tips, character development ideas, and so on; You see, I'm kinda stuck with the next chapter. I'd very much like tips that don't involve phrases like: "GET AN EDITOR!" "SCRAP IT!" and "HAVE THE TWINS KILL EACH OTHER!" (seriously, not only are they Alicorns, but they control the land and sea. If they die, then the world is thrown into chaos and Discord wins.)
Wow, Capt. I hope you're not serious
1382078
Well, as I haven't read the story, I can't offer you much in the way of constructive criticism at the moment. I'm in the middle of reading something from my read later folder, but maybe when I'm done with that I can help you out.
As for what other people say...When you post something on a public forum like this, you have to be prepared for nastiness. It happens, especially if you tell people NOT to be mean. I'm not sure why this is, but in the past fourteen years I've been writing fic, I've experienced it as well. You should think about who you're writing for: Do you want other people to enjoy your story? Or are you writing it just for yourself? Because if you want others to read and love it, you have to work hard to make them feel for and relate to your OCs. Otherwise, you just get rude comments.
1382103 Well thanks for that, I'd very much like your assistance. In fact, I'd like any help I can get, as I've previously stated.
1381858 The problem is, it just isn't very believable... like at all.
I understand the edge that can seem to come from a character who "never experiences joy" but the problem is a matter of "Why should I care?" If this guy is going to be a downer for everything all the time, why should I bother thinking about him, he's just going to keep complaining. The same could be said for a character that is perpetually angry, nobody is always angry, even evil rabbits have good days. And as for characters that are unimportant...
If you created them for the sake of your story, try to characterize them to some point, nobody is born and decides to never do anything special ever, everyone is unique, even if it's something small.
Not the worst I've ever seen (even a trollfic couldn't be that bad) but I would have to suggest scrapping the idea, if you really want to do OCs, I would suggest going that route and developing a bit more in your style and writing more believable characters
I am pretty sure someone mention this but alicorn oc's are hated. Even if the story has potential to be VERY good, it's just hated.
1382154 well, that was... kinda positive, right? I appreciate your response, but I just haven't finished my concepts of their personalities yet. I've got this whole thing planned out for the next chapter where Silver Wind was specifically chosen to be sent to Aquinus because his personality is similar to that of pre-seclusion Aquinus.
i still don't have much planned for Nightshade (I'll cross that bridge when I come to it) and Tydallion was really just put in there to show that Aquinus would be able to go without the seas going all cuckoo (or whatever it is an Equestrian force of nature does without anypony controlling it). Seriously, I doubt I'll put Tydallion in another chapter.
1382187 well, thanks for that. I'll still do my best to make this story beloved though. Hmm... nah, I doubt Cadence's magic works like that.
1381528
You're breaking your groups rules.
1382294
Please take a look at this. The train was just there as a place holder.
1381621
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1382387 dude... i'm working on it.
The concept isn't bad at all, really. The only problem I see is the lack of separation of paragraphs.
Don't see the point in all the
RAAAAAGEbutthurtstriking through wordsmadness.1381812 In its basest form, the self-insert is the author's caricature of themselves, placed into the story so the author can write out their own personal fantasies with that character. Oftentimes, since they're meant to be idealized versions of the writers, they're written with too few flaws to balance out a fuck-ton of powers. They also usually get written as instantly loved by all they approach.
If you want to avoid getting accused of writing a self-insert Gary Stu... well, the point of your story is that these guys are alicorns, but if you want to keep that aspect of them, you need to either riddle their personalities with a lot more serious AND subtle problems, or dial their powers WAY back. My view (sort of) is that you can write an alicorn character if you actually write a CHARACTER rather than a swelling mass of power. You can't focus on or play up their gargantuan strengths.
I think this story shows some promise.
I do agree with some of the others that the 'wall of text' could use a little breaking up especially around where the characters are talking.
One thing I noticed though, as the ruler of the sea Aquinus would need to be hydrodynamic not so much aerodynamic.
Hope to see that next chapter soon.
Connerjmf
1382605 Positive feedback? my goodness, you've just made my day. I'll be a while with the next chapter, since I'm working on revising this one.
1382539 I tried to do that. Well, kinda. I wrote them as highly damaged individuals, if you'll see what they were like before (playful and uber-kind) and compare it to how they are now (overly serious and clinically depressed) you'll see that I tried to show the vast damage that their seclusion had on them, and I intend to flesh-out their characters in the next chapter (which I probably won't post for a little while, since I'll be reworking this one and gathering advice on how to proceed).