Twilight Visits Flurry Heart
Feeling the velvet cushions, which she sat on and the low hmmm of the train’s engines, she used her magic to flip the pages of the book she was reading.
Spike, who sat next to her, looked out the window at the passing landscape, as it turned from green to white, indicating that they were approaching the Crystal Empire.
Spike looked at the cover of the book that Twilight was reading, “the Crystal Empire and everything you wanted to know.”
Twilight was so engrossed in her book that she didn’t hear the announcement that the train had entered the frozen North.
“Hey Twilight, we’re almost there.” A now teenaged Spike nudged the alicorn.
The purple alicorn let out a heavy sigh and looked up from her book and noticed that the train was not moving anymore, where ponies get off of the train, Spike stood up to leave and Twilight put her book away and followed him.
Twilight and Spike stood on the platform of the crystal station, when Twilight saw her brother, Shining Armor.
“Shining, I’m so happy to see you again.” Twilight jumped up and down.
“I’m happy to see you again too.” Shining ruffled his sister’s hair with a laugh.
“Twilight has been talking a lot about seeing her niece again.” Spike interjected as they began to walk.
“I’m sure, Cadence has had hooves full with Flurry, even though she is 5 years old now, Flurry is still a hoof-full.” Shining told Twilight.
“No worries, big brother, I know what to do.” Twilight confidently spoke as she her brother and Spike walked down the hallway of the Crystal castle.
Then they come to a door, Shining opened the door with his magic to reveal a now 5 year old Flurry zipping around the room.
“Flurry Heart, you come down from there!” Her father demanded as the younger alicorn was perched on a light fixture.
“No, you can’t make me.” Flurry taunted, sticking out her tongue.
Twilight flew up to the young alicorn and hovered beside her.
“Hi, Flurry, won’t you come down for your auntie Twilight?” The older alicorn asked.
Flurry looked at Twilight, and her mouth brightened into a smile that was as big as her wing.
“Auntie Twilight, I didn’t know you were coming today.” Flurry threw her hooves around her aunt’s neck.
“I’m happy to see you too, Flurry, I’ve missed you.” Twilight softly spoke as the two alicorns came down from the light fixture, and landed on the ground.
Cadence, who had come into the room and was standing in the doorway with her husband look very angry, that her daughter disobeyed her husband.
“Flurry Heart, how many times have I told you when I’m gone, you listen to your father, do we understand each other?” Cadence scolded.
“Yes, mother.” The young alicorn hung her head in shame.
“Cadence, I’ve missed you.” Twilight spoke up when her sister-in-law was done with her lecture.
“Twilight, I’ve missed you as well, how have things been in Canterlot?” Cadence asked with an excited looking in her eyes, completely forgetting that she was still mad at her daughter.
“Wonderful, sure the princess life is hard to adjust to at first but Princess Celestia has been giving me pointers.” Twilight answered.
“Don’t you worry Twilight it will get easier.” Cadence reassured Twilight.
“But we are glad you’re here, we haven’t gotten a night out since Flurry Heart was born, and now that she’s 5 years old, we’ve decided to take a night for ourselves.” Shining added.
“Yay, I get to spend the day with Auntie Twilight and Uncle Spike!” Flurry gurgled, flying up to Twilight and giving her a hug.
“Well, I’d be happy to watch her for you.” Twilight said happily.
“All right, then we will leave you to it.” Cadence said as she and shining left the room and gently closed the door behind them.
“So, what do you want to do?” Spike asked.
“We could, play dress up.” The young alicorn spoke as she landed back on the floor.
The teenage dragon looked at Twilight and rolled his eyes, Twilight just shook her head at him and went over to the dresser that is stood in the corner.
Spike simply looked around the room, there was a bed in one corner, and next to the bed there’s stood a crystal nightstand and even the walls, the floor and even the ceiling were entirely made out of Crystal.
“Wow.” Spike admired his surroundings.
“Spike, you’ve been to the crystal empire almost 100 times, but you’re saying you’ve never been in one of these rooms?” Twilight inquired, now wearing a pirate costume.
“Yeah, I’ve never been in one of these rooms, they are simply incredible.” Spike stared at the ceiling in amazement.
Twilight simply shrugged and went back to picking out a hat for her pirate costume.
“Err, I am an evil pirate.” Twilight playfully growled at her niece who also was sporting a pirate costume from the same chest.
“And I am a pirate princess.” Flurry playfully tackled Twilight, Spike looked on as both alicorns rolled around on the floor, laughing.
Spike let out a heavy sigh as he moved to the door, keeping his eyes on the 2 alicorns on the floor. He opened the door with one claw and silently slipped out.
“Auntie Twilight, where is Uncle Spike?” Flurry asked getting up off the floor.
“Well, sweetie, he’s a teenager, and teenagers don’t like to play or at least that’s what your uncle tells me.” Twilight responded sweetly.
“Aww, well, but we can still keep playing, right?” Flurry asked with a disappointed look in her eyes.
“Yeah, we can still keep playing.” Twilight reassured her.
“Ok, I bet you can’t catch me.” Flurry taunted as she flew around the room.
Twilight took the air and tried to catch up with her niece but she was too fast for her.
“Hey Flurry, you are really fast, looks like your lessons with your mother have been paying off.” Twilight called.
Flurry unsteadily landed back on the floor and looked up at her aunt.
“Yeah, they have, but mommy is pretty hard on me and disciplines me when I’ve done something wrong.” The young alicorn’s ears flattened to the side of her head.
Twilight gently floats down to Flurry and putted a hoof around her neck.
“Listen, I understand that it’s hard training to become a princess, and I also understand that you want to prove yourself to your mother, but you need to listen to her, I noticed that you didn’t listen to your father when he told you to come down from the light fixture.” Twilight comforted her niece.
“Well, yeah, I don’t listen to daddy, I don’t even listen to the royal guards when they tell me to stop playing in the garden when it’s past my bedtime.” Flurry softly cried.
The door to the room opened with a creek, and Spike walked back into the room with a claw full of gems.
“Look what….” Spike trailed off when he saw Twilight and Flurry hugging on the floor, the younger alicorn was softly crying.
Flurry looked into Twilight’s eyes.
“Mommy and daddy think I’m one big disappointment, because I can’t do anything right.” Flurry cried into Twilight’s coat.
“Sweetie, no, we don’t think you’re a disappointment, sorry, we’ve been so hard on you, we didn’t know that.” Cadence’s voice came from the doorway.
“How….how long have you been standing there?” Flurry asked looking up at her mother.
“Long enough to hear that you believe that we think you’re a disappointment, but we don’t think that, we love you.” Cadence spoke again coming further into the room.
“But I thought you and dad wanted me to become like you so that one day I can rule like you are now.” Flurry broke down in tears again.
“Flurry, we never meant to hurt you, we don’t want you to be like us, yes, we want you to rule someday, but that day will come when you are ready.” Cadence gently spoke as she came closer to her daughter.
Flurry went over to her mom and hugged her tightly, they stayed like this for a little while with Spike and Twilight watching on in amazement.
“Thanks, auntie Twilight, I had a lot of fun today.” Flurry spoke as she hugged Twilight.
“I’ll see you in a few months, sweetheart.” Twilight whispered before she left to go back to the train station.
Spike looked back at Flurry and Cadence still hugging on the floor, with Flurry still softly, crying in her mothers hooves, Spike gently closed the door and smiled to himself, as him and Twilight kept walking out of the castle and to the train station.
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This is a good cute story although for being ten years old, Flurry acts more like she is five.
11730504
I might change her age
11730510
You would also have to change the amount of time it was since Twilight last went up to see her as well. Also I would think that Twilight would go up to see her more frequently given how much she loves her.
11730513
Ok, to what time?
11730516
I'd think Twilight would go to visit her every few months. Being the ruler of Equestria, she could easily set her own schedule.
11730518
True, I’m not really sure what you mean by I should change the amount of time, to what year should I change it?
Hello again.
Hmm... Hmmmm... HMMMMMM...
Let's start with segment 1: 'Twilight and Spike sat on the train'. Does this really need to be stated so bluntly? Can it be woven into the narrative in other ways to generate interest? That would be a no and a yes. In segment 2 you give action to Twilight, so how can you weave them both together? You could start with the book, or you could start with the train. Example:
'Sat upon some of the least comfortable seats in this half of Equestria, Twilight fidgeted in place to relieve her poor posterior of its suffering. Sat next to her, Spike fared much better, his eyes glazing over as he stared out the train window at the rolling hills passing by.'
Establishes they are on a train, gives description (in this case the feeling of pain/discomfort and can be used later when Twilight meets Cadance/Shining Armor for some banter), and provides who's involved.
Sentence 2: Is this description necessary? You can state something short about the book without giving it all. Another example:
'Captured in Twilight's magical grasp, another page flipped within the sapphire blue book. Since entering the train, her eyes remained glued to the pages of 'The Crystal Empire, and Everything You Never Knew,' a text portraying the empire in a new light.'
The question: is the description important? If it doesn't contribute to the plot, and doesn't serve world-building, or any other function to improve the story, consider skipping a detailed description.
I'd recommend trying this again. Not only does it start with repetition repeating she's an alicorn (see previous sentence/paragraph), but it it also a run-on sentence.
It feels... so... robotic. Your attempt to add emotion doesn't seem terribly in-character for Twilight. Pinkie Pie, yes, but Twilight? And Shining's response doesn't help things. Him being amused by her antics would add some flavor to the dialogue. A 'Woah, you're sure excited today.' or something would help breathe life into the otherwise flat dialogue. And of course Spike is straight to business. Shining's response to him could be cleaned up a little, but otherwise I don't see as much of an issue with it.
Also...
For some reason this reminds me of certain lines from Half-Life: Full Life Consequences. And not in a good way. The obvious issue is that she goes on to scold Flurry, making the last segment both repetitive and SDT (Show, don't tell) abuse. The second segment can also be shown. Having a disappointed frown, narrowed eyes, etc. Also, the combination of the three segments is a mess. I say it should be rewritten.
I may as well put this here: Cadence vs Cadance. According to the MLP wiki, her name is spelt Cadance, with an 'A'. Think of it like Ca-Dance.
I'll leave you to figure out what's wrong.
Gurgled? Is that really the word you want to use?
Spike is also a dirty liar
Tense switch. Stay consistent! You use predominantly past-tense, so stick with it!
Germs?! EWWW! Wait, did you mean gems?
...
Le sigh... The emotional switch in Flurry could have had more buildup, the resolution could have been more in depth, the dialogue could have been more organic, and the story in general could have had better pacing. It's easy to see what you wanted from the story, however, execution leaves much to be desired. There were some spelling and grammar mistakes throughout the text, ones that would have been caught on an editing pass or by an editing service. Description was lacking throughout the story, which was a shame because with some appropriate descriptive language and better dialogue it could have been a sweet story.
Still, it's an experience to learn from. It isn't unrecoverable, and there are lessons to take in from studying your work. Keep trying and you'll get better!
11730675
Thank you yes.
I know about the grammar mistakes. I just went in and fixed some of them. If you find any more, please tell me.
I should’ve probably used Grammarly to check for grammar mistakes before publishing, but I forgot to do that.
But nonetheless, I hope that you still like this story, I’ll be releasing more stories like this, more short stories to practice using adjectives to tell actions, or to show actions that the characters are doing.
I’ll try and add more description, but I don’t wish to rewrite this entire story to add more description to it, it is not because I am lazy that I do not want to do it, I do not want to do it because it takes me a while to do it.
11730675
I changed it to the past tense.
I’ve also fixed some of the grammar mistakes.
11730675
I think the spelling of Cadence in the story is partly connected to the author being from Europe. I'm from the UK, and the word tends to be spelled with an E as it's a music term as well.
11732539
The musical term is absolutely spelled with an E, yes. The pony's name, however, is spelled with an A, because that way Hasbro could trademark it.
11732564
That is indeed true. Similar examples include Smolder/Smoulder and Vapor/Vapour Trail (although in some MLP publications intended for release in the UK Vapor's name is spelled in the British manner).
11732539
Yes, it is because I am from Europe.
I liked the idea for this story, but I feel like it could've been executed better. As others already said, there are some grammatical / spelling issues here and there, but it's nothing that can't be fixed with Grammarly, or by proofreading your fic. My main issue with this fic is with the pacing. The story is already relatively short (1.4k words), and the entire part about Flurry's emotions, from her mentioning the pressure she felt from her parents to the resolution, takes less than a third of the story (roughly 450 words). IMO, it would've been better to build up to it some more, maybe have Twilight notice some of Flurry's distress while playing with her and discovering more hints at her emotions during the day before the "reveal" / resolution.
Also, this may be a nitpick, but I feel like Twilight's stay only lasted for a few minutes: if I understood the story correctly, she and Spike came to see her, Twilight played with her for what felt like a few minutes at most, before Flurry talks about her issues (which get almost instantly resolved) before already leaving the Crystal Empire.
Admittedly, I prefer longer stories compared to one-shots so I may be biased, but I do truly feel that if this fic was longer, you'd have more opportunities to explore Flurry's emotions and to describe Twilight's stay in greater details.
All in all, it wasn't a bad story, I did enjoy it despite my issues with it. (And i hope I didn't come off as too "harsh", I'm not really used to giving criticism so feel free to tell me off if I'm out of line, haha)
11737008
I understand, but I will not make it longer.
As for the grammatical errors, I will also not fix them.
What a sweet story. Love how Flurry is so worried she's a disappointment to her parents and Twilight tries to calm her down and it all works out in the end when she finally talks to her parents.
Thanks for the nice story :D
11870411
Thank you and you’re welcome.
Yeah, I thought I’d try something different by writing this story, I usually write about ponies who have disabilities, but I thought I’d try something different.