About the Incident...
The screen flickered to life with a carefully framed image of the Queen in her royal chambers. Light curtains fluttered in the breeze in the background, radiant with sunlight, while in the center of the room was Queen Haven herself.
The Queen of Zephyr Heights – still young in this video – wore her mane in the height of Heights designer fashion approximately twenty years ago, along with the old crown with the Unity Crystal on top as its centerpiece, as well as a maternity dress that she plainly wasn’t far along enough to need. She shifted her position, sitting upright on a lush red fainting couch, and looked directly into the camera with a slightly tense smile.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, my fellow pegasi of Zephyr Heights – good evening.
“I am speaking to you tonight to address the recent events that have shaken our city. I understand that many ponies do not want to hear from me right now. I know a lot of ponies are displeased with what happened this past weekend, and a lot of ponies have pointed their hooves at the government, and at me personally, to criticize our handling of the situation.
“I share your disappointment and your anger. I’m not happy with how things went either. But I want you all to know that I take full responsibility for everything that went wrong, and I apologize for my own mistakes in how I acted and how we handled the situation. I am listening, learning, and growing.
“I take full responsibility for what happened at the Rainbow Dash Garb of Victory anniversary ball at the Royal Mint. The Dash Sash Cash Bash is a beloved time in the Zephyr Heights social calendar, a time for all pegasi to celebrate a history of triumph in the face of great challenges. It saddens me that this joyous occasion has instead been mired in controversy. For that I am truly sorry.
“Thankfully, with the exception of mister Clear Skies’s fractured ankle, there were no serious injuries. No harm, no foul. And if that were all it was then it would be no matter. But right on cue, like sharks smelling blood in the water, some ponies have opportunistically seized hold of the controversy to grind their own axes.
“I have heard a frightening deal of misinformation about what happened. We are not earth ponies, prone to mindless panic, but it is important that nopony spreads fear, uncertainty, and doubt. And so I see no choice but to correct certain misconceptions before misguided anger place our beloved city in further peril.
“First of all, I want to assure everypony that I absolutely do not think of the ponies of Lower Zephyr Heights as ‘feather-munching turtle-bollards’. Those remarks were a slip of the tongue in a private conversation that were taken completely out of context. They do not reflect my truth. I love and respect all my subjects equally, regardless of which tax bracket they’re in.
“Furthermore I do understand that ponies are upset that not more ponies were fortunate enough to gain entry into the arrangement. I could hear that the streets below the Mint were filled with ponies loudly complaining that they weren’t inside. They even brought signs and rehearsed chants. Really, I do wish you could all have been inside! We had a wonderful time and I would have loved to share it with all my ponies. But we all know the Royal Mint conference hall is only so large, and it was packed to capacity in no time. It would have been unsafe to allow any more ponies in. And I know there are complaints that the residents of Gold Street and Diamond Rise were over-represented. But for an event so universally beloved there was really no other option but to price the tickets accordingly. You understand that, if you stop and think for a minute.
“Now let me move on to the matter of the stampede down Mane Street.”
At this point there was a subtle but noticeable cut in the recording before it continued, and a brief, tense moment of dead air before Queen Haven continued.
“I have to stress this. I want to lay these rumors to rest.
“Yes, there was technically a fire in the hall. Yes, the fire alarm did go off. Yes, the Mint’s security systems did activate, and they do include both automated fire extinguishers and air-proof barriers on all doors and windows.
“But there is absolutely no truth to the claim that I announced the return of Discord and that the world of ponies was doomed, either with or without cackling. Clearly between the experimental music by DJ-M4R3 and the swiftly extinguished blaze in the curtains, somepony misheard or misunderstood what I said and jumped to conclusions. Really, I only remarked that some element of chaos had intruded on the festivities, and could potentially liven them up further. Obviously I was not celebrating that ponies were panicking and potentially getting injured.
“It’s unfortunate that this was a widespread misunderstanding, but I want to reaffirm that all procedures for an orderly evacuation were followed to the letter by the palace staff, and that maybe the populace at large needs a remedial fire drill to remind you of what you all should have learned in primarey flight school.
“I also want to stress that I was nowhere near the curtains when the carafe of fireblossom-wine went flying. I may have provided the kinetic force, but nopony could possibly have predicted that it would travel that distance, and clear head-height on top of that, which required it to spin as gracefully as a gymnastics maestro. I do not think it’s fair that I should be blamed for the balletics of a truly extraordinary carafe.
“Now it’s possible – but not likely – that when the blaze erupted and the music cut out for a second some ponies may have heard me refer to ‘flightless emu gullions’. Whether this was said in the context of the accident or not I want to assure everypony that I absolutely do not look down on flightless pegasi. How could I, when the entire royal palace staff are flightless? The idea is absurd, even if it’s true that having more ponies capable of flight present would have helped prevent the fire. I don’t think anypony can disagree with that.
“But I promise you that even the lowliest pegasus, even though your wings are useless, is still leagues above even the most civilized of those snail-huffing unicorns.
“I commend mister Clear Skies for his bravery in trying to catch the flaming vessel, even though he did tragically miss the mark and stumbled out the window, and fell four storeys to the public gardens. We are thankful that his fall was broken by the koi pond, which fortuitously also put out his mane, which had caught fire when the carafe hit him.”
The camera cut again at this point, just as the Queen’s face contorted in what might have been sympathy or might have been suppressed laughter. After the cut her face was again appropriately somber, as she ran a hoof over her not very round belly.
“I apologize if I am scattered or unclear. These terrible events come on me as I am still grieving the tragic death of my husband, who would always be here to support me in these challenges. We did not see eye to eye about everything – he was quick to tolerate some things I struggled with – but I know that if he were here his support would mean everything to me. Without him I am only a young solitary monarch with a young daughter to look after, and another foal on the way, as his last gifts to me. But I must carry out my duties.
“It pains me to see the city in such an uproar. I have been following the public outcry very closely, and I am heartbroken at the thought that I may have – even if totally accidentally and unintentionally – caused pain for my beloved subjects. It especially breaks my heart to see the streets filled with so much anger. Last night my 11-month old daughter Zephyrina asked me, ‘Mommy, why are ponies protesting you when the economy has never been better?’ And when I told her that when there are no real problems to complain about some ponies make up fake ones instead, she cried.
“Now, I don’t want to dodge responsibility. As queen, pegasi look to me for leadership for the challenges our city is facing, regardless of the circumstances. So I understand why, in the days after the Bash, I was suddenly getting blamed for everything, why the front pages and the evening news were all suddenly filled with smear-stories. But I confess the unfairness of it still stings. But even so, as your queen I don’t want to use that excuse to avoid grappling with my own mistakes. I favor clearing out the air, aha, of smoke if you will. Mph, snrk, heheh, hahaha… Oh, Haven…
“I’m sorry, that was too soon. The point is I want to ensure the causes of this calamity are well understood, so that I can accept the blame for those things that were indeed my fault, and promise to do better. To uphold your trust, I must do no less. So you can trust me when I say that the burning curtains were quickly put out, and there was no risk to Zephyr Heights from the Mint.”
With the click of a button there appeared beside Queen Haven a still image of pegasi screaming and fleeing down the street as flames rose in the background.
“It was a pure coincidence that another fire began to spread through Mane Street at the same time.
“This next part of the story is very painful for me personally. The Notre Mare Cathedral, Our Lady of the Kindest Heart, that beloved landmark in our city’s historic center, has always been one of my favorite sights in the city. When I was a filly I would go there to play hide and seek with my bodyguards, having a gay old time. I loved it so much, I was so impatient every time we went, and I had to wait while they cleared the building of other ponies so that I could play safely. When the city conservation and renewal board laid out its plan in the first year of my reign, I personally intervened to ensure the cathedral would remain preserved exactly as I remembered it.
“When the stampede down Mane Street began as the crowds panicked and tried to escape the fire, a process made more difficult by the fact that Mane Street was doused in the fire-extinguishing foam that spilled out from the upper floors of the Royal Mint, and which turned out to be quite slippery, a large group of ponies turned to Notre Mare to get off the streets and avoid being trampled. So the cathedral was also packed more full than Bishop Brimstone ever could. The thinking was good, and we are happy that ponies were by and large able to get away from the blaze.
“Unfortunately when the fire department turned the hose on the cathedral its historically accurate tinderwood roof collapsed under the weight of the water. It turns out the cathedral had not been constructed with an eye to modern firefighting techniques.
“Mister Clear Skies, who by then had left the public park and was among those who sought shelter in the cathedral, was struck by falling woodwork and suffered a light concussion. We wish him a speedy recovery.
“Also, this is important. During the stampede, when the police presence was diverted to provide security for those of us evacuating the Bash, a bricked-up wall behind the Mint was knocked down and a blocked-off storage chamber filled with official documents was exposed to the air, documents which then blew away on the wind and were seen by a large number of ponies. Those documents are classified, and reading them is a crime, and the ministry of justice is looking into prosecuting those most responsible for distributing them. But in a spirit of forgiveness those who merely read about the contents in the papers will not be prosecuted.
“Those documents allegedly contained plans for the government to divide Zephyr Heights along the Pinion Line, and selectively promote growth in the interior. I tell you now that those plans are totally outdated, the ponies responsible for them are no longer in those positions, and nopony has been able to show that the plans were enacted.
“I regret that the populace was distressed by this.
“It was also at this point in the evacuation that I may have inadvertently referred to pegasi with monocolored wings as ‘background filler’. If indeed that happened it was highly insensitive and I apologize for it.
“I want to commend the ZHPD for their efforts to assist us, which they did as efficiently as they took down Foolscap and the Folding League. But unfortunately my esteem wasn’t shared by the broader public, who did not appreciate how hard we worked to relocate the Dash Sash Cash Bash to a new venue on the spot. Onlookers clashed with security and tempers only rose higher until the first brick from Notre Mare was thrown.
“You all know what came next. You don’t need me to recite all the damage the city suffered, between the anti-Bash riots, the regrettable contradictory instructions given to the ZHPD that funneled more ponies into overflowing overflow-zones, and the streets made impassable by the flood of firefighting foam. At least until it stopped rising, after the first four hours or so.
“In hindsight I think the Royal Mint’s fire defenses might have been a tad overzealous. Oh well, something to discuss at next year’s budget negotiations.
“I had hoped that, after a long and difficult night, when we saw the fruits of our excess in the cold light of dawn, that we would all come together as fellow pegasi and unite to repair the damage suffered by our beautiful city. But sadly it seems the shameless media muckrakers won’t let the common good stand in the way of their lust for scandal and salacious front page stories. Under the guise of a desire to ‘get to the bottom of it’ they have instead kept the public angry on a steady diet of vile insinuations and slander that have only gotten worse each day since.
“I have read that my government is one of ‘horrific mismanagement’, with ‘cronies running every department’, all the way down to failures to safely manage traffic. I am accused of everything from nepotism and corruption to deciding appointments and policy on whimsy.
“I won’t lie, it hurts. I have seen some comments that upset me terribly. Not for myself, of course, but for all pegasus ponies. As pegasi, the sky is our inheritance. And when the royal family is under attack, the only ponies who can still fly, that is an attack on the sky itself, and by extension on all of pegasuskind. Really, these are attacks on you, my subjects, and that I cannot allow to stand.
“I don’t say this easily. I thought long and hard about what to do. But in the end I must do what is right for my subjects. Whatever my own feelings, for the sake of Zephyr Heights and for the entire tribe of pegasus ponies, I can’t give in. These times of doubt call for strong leadership, and we will stay the course.
“So believe me when I say, I have seen the clickbait headlines. I have read the essays and heard the slogans calling for more public oversight into how the palace budgets for official business. I want you all to know, my beloved subjects, that I hear you, and I welcome your criticisms. But this would be disastrous. You must understand that, to take just one example, the Zephyr Heights navy has to maintain strategic secrecy. Unicorn spies are lurking around every corner, reading our thoughts and ready to zap us with their horn-lasers. Earth pony savages are preparing to attack us if ever we let down our guard. As your queen it is my duty to protect our safety above all else, and the insidious voices trying to expose classified information like exactly how many bits were spent on the Z.H.S. Queen Haven’s Indulgence – which is not a luxury yacht, it is a registered Coast Guard vessel – are undermining our city’s safety from within and deserve only your scorn and derision.
“Also the snide comments that Zephyr Heights is on a mountain and has no need for a navy are extremely naive. You never know when the sea ponies will return and join an anti-winged alliance. We must be prepared.
“The ship’s name was a cunning ruse to put our enemies off guard, but now the element of surprise has been lost. So thanks for that.
“Also somewhere along the way I regrettably… Down-wing? Somepony complained that I said down-wing? Down-wing isn’t even an insult, it’s just true that some ponies have—you know what, whatever, fine, I’m sorry you were offended, I feel just terrible. You know I didn’t mean anything by it. I speak my mind, it’s why ponies love me.
“You know, when I was a young mare I served a year in the Pegasus Army Medical Corps. The things I heard over the mess table would scorch your feathers clean off, but I didn’t mind. My impression of head nurse War Horse was legendary. The bit about tail lice would set the whole platoon wheezing. But I suppose that’s too strong for ponies nowadays.
“Those were the matters of public policy, which you know I will always address first. Now I must regrettably turn to more personal matters. Between the Bash, and the Spring Wind Blossoming, and some small number of other festive events this year, it seems that some tabloid rags and society gossips have assigned me the reputation of a party pony.
“I won’t repeat the words here, but they have called me some very rude and even discriminatory things. And I will answer them, much as it pains me to do so. But first I have to say that I am disappointed. I thought we as a society had progressed past slut-shaming. I thought we had moved on from the days when my ancestor the Pink Queen was forced into exile over allegations that she’d born a foal out of marriage. But apparently I was wrong, and that makes me sad.
“I am not a thin-skinned mare. I welcome open discussion and debate. But it has to be about matters in the public interest. With that said, I want to address the matter of the Feast of Walnuts. Ponies have accused me of spending forty million bits of taxpayer money on lavish parties. Much ink has been spilled about ‘ten thousand bit wine bottles soaking the carpet’. I supposedly hired five hundred musicians and had them fight each other for the right to perform. And ponies have questioned the legitimacy of giving every member of the Clydesdales parade company a barony, and why they were spending a week quartered in the royal palace.
“I must regretfully confess that that last allegation is true.
“I am weak, I admit it. I am only a pony. In a period of stress and grief over the tragic loss of my husband I sought solace in the company of others. I spent multiple nights of sensuous wonder being serviced by a parade of the most exquisite specimens of stallionhood available, and for that I am truly sorry.
“…You know, the Clydesdales were all happy to get a visit from Nurse Haven. Some ponies appreciate my many talents. So where was I? …Are you serious?”
(A muffled voice speaks from out of frame): “Please, your highness, just (inaudible).”
“How can anypony be mad that I don’t like origami ponies?! Always with the paper and the folding and the underground origami speakeasys. You know what? No. I’ve yielded on a lot of things tonight but here I draw the line. I don’t trust them, they’re up to something. That’s just how I feel.
“In conclusion, I take full responsibility for what I did wrong, and I hope we can all leave this ugly incident behind us and move on together into a bright future. I have accepted mister Clear Skies’s resignation as prime minister, and will appoint his successor as soon as is practically possible.
“I promise you that both Notre Mare and the Royal Mint will be restored and rebuilt exactly as splendidly as they were. Zephyr Heights will never be the same until these beloved landmarks of high culture are restored, and I will spare no expense. I want to emphasize how important this is to me. Much too important, in particular, to waste time on an independent inquiry, and therefore I have decided that the royal palace will directly oversee the investigation into what went wrong, and I will personally sign off on its findings to ensure they meet only the most rigorous standard.”
Queen Haven glances off to the side. “Was that everything?”
(Muffled voice from out of frame): (Inaudible.)
“Wonderful. I am relieved to have gotten all of this off my chest. Now that this is all over, I hope to see you all back at work tomorrow morning with bright smiles all around, ready to repair the damage you’ve done to our lovely city in your excitement and work together to carry Zephyr Heights into the future. Ta-ta!”
The screen turned black. Queen Haven smiled broadly. “And that’s how I saved the monarchy!”
She glanced over to her daughters, who sat behind her in dumbstruck silence. Zipp stared at the screen with equal parts horror and incomprehension. Pipp held her hooves in front of her face, burning from cringe.
“My very first apology video,” Queen Haven said with a wistful sigh. “You know, I must have done a million of these over the years, but the first time is always special. I think there are a lot of lessons you girls can learn from this.”
A soft wheeze emerged from the younger princess’s mouth before it coalesced into words. “That was horrible, mom,” Pipp said, flapping her wings in place and running her hooves over her mane as though trying to somehow eject the memory through motion. “I’ll never be able to think about the Clydesdale Barons again!”
“Not really the important thing, Pipp,” her big sister said. “More importantly, how in Tartarus did this get ponies off your back?!”
“Oh, it didn’t,” Queen Haven said cheerfully. “The whole government resigned the next morning. And while ponies were gossiping about me for months afterwards, I was free to build a new Zephyr Heights free of their corruption and incompetence. And I did it all for you, my girls.”
“You did all that on purpose?”
“I certainly take credit for the upsides!”
“All that tribeist horseapples, mom,” Pipp said, waving a hoof at the screen. “I knew old ZH was bad, but wow.”
The queen gasped. “Oh my darlings… I love this new era of panequine unity and friendship, of course I do! You must understand, I didn’t say a word of that because I believed it. I only said those things to make ponies do what I wanted! That’s what apologies are all about.”
Pipp grimaced at her mother’s proud dishonesty. Zipp simply looked at her in silent skepticism.
Queen Haven shook her head. “That came out wrong. But listen. When I was a young queen the old government was rotten to the core. I had to fight for every scrap I could get. There was even a movement to abolish the Crown and institute a Republic. I did anything I had to to protect Zephyr Heights. I said anything I needed to clean up the city, one step at a time. And now the royal family is more popular than it’s ever been.”
The two princesses shot silent glances at each other. The queen continued. “It’s been a long work, and there was a lot more to do. And you’ve started to keep it going forward, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you girls. You don’t have to agree with everything I’ve done, but for your sake I’ll say any horrible thing I need to.” She looked over her two daughters with love in her eyes. “I did it all for you, and I’d do it again. So long as it helps you I don’t care what other ponies think about me. I just want you two to be happy. I hope you both know that.”
Zipp sighed, as beside her the younger princess was tearing up with emotion and hovering in the air. “Oh… moooom!” Pipp squealed and zoomed in to give her mother a hug, and Zipp joined her.
The queen beamed with happiness and squeezed them tight. “Oh girls,” Queen Haven said, her voice beginning to crack slightly with emotion. “I know the world is changing, and I won’t be queen forever. I just hope that when all is said and done I made Zephyr Heights better than it was. I want you both to have a better world to live in than I did, and I know I’m leaving it in good hooves. I love you both more than anything, even if Pipp is a down-wing.”
Zipp felt her sister’s hug lose its enthusiasm. The older sister rolled her eyes. “I love you too, mom.” She chuckled. “Heh. Maybe once I’m crowned I’ll start my reign by legalizing origami.”
Her mother’s voice went cold. “If I hear you talk like that again you’ll join your father.”
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OMG
Seriously, this is some stellar political satire, well done.
I can swear that I heard Clinton, maybe even Nixon, about half way through this. Well done.
this made me smile so much.. 10/10 dashies
Okay? So, in other words ZH is a non-sexist, non-religious version of Saudi Arabia with a female in charge?
Lolzers!
Well, at least Haven didn’t pull out a ukulele.
What a lovely fantasy story, which is related to the real world in no way whatsoever.
Perfect final line. Beautiful.
She's a good Queen, she's just misunderstood. Probably because of all the anti-pegasus unicorn spies, and their dastardly earth pony minions.
This is really entertaining and framed perfectly to fit Millenials and Gen Zs too! Awesome writing, Wordsmith!
If only TYT or MYM does something like these during their slice of life moments.
By the way, what is "down-wing" supposed to reference to? I don't think it is a down syndrome thing or a disability? I assume it is the distinctively different wing profile?
P.S. The cover is so perfect!
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Thanks for reading all.
Best. Queen. Ever.
11760076
If we know one thing for sure it's that Queen Haven absolutely did not have her husband and father to her foals murdered because of his pro-origami views, absolutely not, why would anyone even say that.
11760408
Pipp's wings are far fluffier than other pegasi, as though made of down feathers, and this is
apparentlydefinitely not something pegasi can be prejudiced about I guess.Queen Haven at peak form.
Very interesting and amusing portrait of royal power and the origin of the Queen's legitimacy. A shame we never had the chance to explore the potential for establishing normal diplomatic relations with Stallion-in-chief Sprout. And I wonder if Izzy would be such a visible royalist if she knew of the prohibition on papercraft.
What a great humorous characterization of Queen Haven. It reminds me of political satire by the likes of Sacha Baron Cohen. The 11-month old Zephyrina talking eloquently about the economy is what killed me
Dissapointed at the lack of a "I did not have sexual relations woth that unicorn stallion!"
You started strong, and then you just kept going. This isn't refuge in audacity so much as a fallout shelter. Exquisite display of Haven simultaneously at her best and worst. Thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.
11760470
Seeing as not even Opaline tried to get Sprout on her side, I seriously doubt Zephyr Heights or Bridalwood took him seriously. And with the return of magic, Sprout's reign was even less legitimate than it already was.
Angry mobs do not count as a power base.
Man I love Haven.