freedome blitz
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Yo, that’s what I was gonna do! Now I’m gonna have to write something else… . Thanks! Aside from that, nice story!
You can't delete-resub stories because you don't like how people voted on it.
I've fixed it for you. This is the version of the story that needs to remain up on the site. You are not allowed to delete this and make another one.
11577750
Sorry I had it wrong and try to fix it just didn’t understand that I couldn’t do that and it still pending
Oh, boy! Here I go reviewing again!
##### Chapter 1 #####
Prince? Did Zipp get an extra piece of anatomy while I wasn't looking?
The line-break above this is unnecessary
##### Chapter 2 #####
Wait, hold on. What was the point of Chapter 1? This isn't adding up at all. Chapter 1 had a scenario outlined not involving Sunny, but this time Sunny is involved? I feel these chapters could have been better constructed to avoid this confusion.
##### Chapter 3 #####
A bit worse than a rash. Not related to the 'quality' of the story, but urine causes skin breakdown and dried fecal matter can cause tearing, leading to infection. There's a good reason you should always change a baby's diaper after they soil it. Or anyone who wears incontinence products.
Again with the unnecessary dividers! It's the same scene, you don't need to break it up!
"And" "Then"
Two words that must be used with care. Unless it is meant to show punctuation of some sort, avoid using them at the start of sentences. "He carried her across..." "She checked Sunny all over..."
Definitely avoid using parentheses in stories. There are very few situations where they are reasonable to use, often being first-person stories involving the internal dialogue of a character.
Single quotes would be better for this so it doesn't get confused as dialogue: ' '
...
I can't comment on the fetish material as I haven't had much exposure to it, however, I will say the grammar/spelling wasn't the worst. There were some obvious issues such as certain things I pointed out, but overall wasn't half-bad on that front. The only real part of the story I was a little lost by was the Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 issue I pointed out, and the dividers were often misplaced or could have been avoided altogether. Can't really say what overall quality is, again, because I am unfamiliar with the... genre.
Hope this helps!
Loved collabing with you on this.
11579888
Same here
busted by detective Zipp, sunny oh no!
thus begins caretaker Zipp
cute, I'll say that I enjoyed it, then there's me, who can't even finish the prologue to my story agh!