Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria

by Stalin with Da Spoon

12. Mixed Messages

Okay so, status report.

Current situation has improved marginally, hideout has been expanded through excavation and the new walling and flooring have gone in nicely. New equipment for the workshop and laboratory was still under construction but coming along nicely. Living quarters had several new amenities installed, including an air conditioner unit, thank god or whatever divine entity exists in this realm for that. White spy still at large and location unknown, annoying. Ponies still running around spouting friendship and harmony nonsense, super annoying. Pink pony still alive, unbearably infuriating.

Overall, not bad compared to his time in Malaysia. Sure he blew it up in the end, but it was fun. Still not sure why he had to go to ground as a police officer, but it was a good break from all the spy work. He even took up warhammer as a hobby- Oh great he's getting off topic, this world is truly corrupting him with it's twisted magic! It must be fought against! And luckily, he had just the tool, as he looked over one of his first ever inventions as a spy, the Interceptio-tron 9000. The 9000 was due to the previous 8999 versions malfunctioning on a scale from shorting out to turning his laboratory into a crater. He's still not sure how that second part was even possible, but still, it was a very powerful device, capable of intercepting any phone call, text message, telegram, any form of advanced communication was not safe from his machine!

And apparently, it intercepted mail! He legitimately did not know, and it left him very confused and wondering what other hidden capabilities his inventions had as he eyed his toasta-tron 2. We don't talk about toasta-tron 1. Regardless, going over the letter once more, two things were clear. One, that ugly little purple pony of friendship, wretched, was the 'student' of this nation's monarch, Celestia. Well, was she the monarch? It said she was a princess, but for some reason these ponies don't know what a Queen is and just skipped to making the princess in charge.

Then again, considering that Celestia was essentially an immortal alicorn goddess, which made him question his entire existence for a second upon first hearing it, it makes sense the ponies would want her in charge. Moving on to the second point, he had a potentially dangerous tool in his hands now, even more dangerous than before. He just had to test it.

The Interceptio-tron 9000 has a secondary feature of being able to send a message so encrypted that not even it could crack it's own code. Very useful for making mission reports, and also impersonating and spreading false info. So, if he theoretically wrote a letter imitating this Twilight and falsifying a letter in place of the one he intercepted...

His grin widened until it became a devilish smile the Grinch would be proud of. And so he walked over to his desk as he quickly pulled out a paper and pen, inspecting the letter and it's specific hand writing before putting the finishing touches with the signature, placing the paper inside the letter and resealing it, before bounding over to the interceptio-tron 9000 and slotting the letter inside. A few beeps and whirs, clicks and ticks, and...

Ding!

The letter is beamed away by drawing on the inherent magical energy around it, as the envelope zipped through the forth dimension at the speed of light toward it's destination, leaving only the snickering of Black behind it.

---

Celestia happily hummed to herself as she sat within the throne room, the last pony petitioner taking their leave as the princess dreamed of eating cake and enjoying the day with her sister and giving her modern ponish lessons, seeing as her old-ponish speak was definitely grating on Celestia's ears now. However, a poof of bright green flame caused her to immediately snap out of her daydreaming and quickly catch the letter from her gracious student in her magical grasp, smiling as he opened the enveloped and gazed at the parchment within.

"... What in my name? Wait, that sounds egotistical... What in the name of Faust? Yes, that's far better. Yet still, what!?"

---

Princess Twilight was in the midst of brushing the snow from her mane and at the same time cooling herself off with a fan, leaving her already overclocked brain in a confused mess at the whole scenario. First, during her regular book studies the temperature would have an intense spike of heat, then came a massive wave of cold, and as she went to investigate with her friends she saw two bright beams of orange and blue light piercing the heavens, as if they were projected by the sisters themselves. And then, the point where the lasers were being emitted from was consumed in a great explosive blast which shook the earth. Needless to say, her report to Princess Celestia was very interesting, and she was really looking forward to see how she reacted.

The distinct burst of shimmering light in her library was definitely unexpected, as she proceeded to fall back out of her chair and flat on her flank with a yelp. She looked up to see the large and intimidating Princess Celestia standing over her, and once again she was reminded of how dang tall alicorns are. Like dang, even Luna dwarfed some ponies and she was tiny compared to Celestia. Twilight quickly regained her focus just as Celestia focused her attention on her.

"Greetings Twilight. I do not mean to intrude upon you... Especially considering your... Disrupted state." She said taking note of the still remaining specks of snow in Twilight's unkempt hair, combined with the light sweat running her face. "But I wish to speak to you on an important matter."

"Oh, is it about my letter?"

"Why yes actually... And it's contents leave me... Perplexed." To demonstrate her points Celestia poofed the letter into view and dropped into Twilight's hoof as she quickly opened it and inspected it's contents.

'Dear Princess Celestia,

You smell like a doodoo fart and your hair is weird. Also I am very dumb and smelly. Also also I think the farm pony is secretly gay.

From Twilight Sparkle.'

... What?

"What?"

"What indeed Twilight. For one thing I am not even sure what gay means in this context, does it not mean happy?"

"I think it means that somepony like's the same gender as them, like a mare liking another mare."

"I see... Well then, good for her, but still, were the insults, both towards me and yourself, necessary?"

"Well that's the thing, I didn't write this!"

"Truly? Even if it bears your signature?"

"Yes, but look at the hoof writing! It makes no sense!" Celestia brought up the letter to her face for better viewing.

"Oh yes, you appear to be right, whoever falsified this letter clearly forgot to add the little part underneath your h's and e's. Very well, I apologize for the confusion my dear student. But regardless, now you can properly inform me of what the original letter's contents were, yes?"

"Of course! So, did you notice how it got really hot today?"

"Yes..."

"And then it got super cold?"

"Indeed, that was rather odd..."

"And then two giant beams started pointing at each other before both sources exploded?"

"... I do not believe I saw that part. Twilight are you certain it was not a mere freak weather incident? Not that I am disbelieving you but this is quite... Strange. Such rapid temperature changes have never been recorded, even the most powerful of Pegasi are unable to perform such feats, at least within the short time span you describe."

"I know right?! And then there was the big explosion, and the giant sky beams, and the fact that all this weird stuff started happening thanks to those weird bird nosed guys, and-"

"Twilight, your hyperventilating." Celestia said as she placed a hoof on her students shoulder, Twilight slowing her breathing as she recollected her thoughts and straightened her mane as she shook her head.

"Sorry, it's just... Well, you weren't wrong when you said coming to ponyville would be interesting. Not a dull day here. Although I think I'm starting to get a headache."

"That is alright my dear student, if you must you may take a temporary break and recollect your thoughts. I shall return to the castle to study on this strange phenomena for you, and shall write what I find to you later today."

"Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you Celestia!" Twilight said as she hugged her mentor as Celestia patted her student on the head.

"Of course."

---

Black was still retching into his bucket of sick as he watched this whole boat load of horse dung in the form of 'friendship' and 'happiness' through his mega spy-scope he had installed into his cave's ceiling, a periscope extending out of the ground disguised as a tree as it's gaze easily reached into that perplexing purple ponies abode. Another final spewing of bile into the bucket allowed Black some peace as he dumped it into the recycling bin, because vomit can be used as fertilizer for the greenhouse he was planning, and went back over to his desk and groaned to himself. Having heard that entire pitiful exchange thanks to the scopes long range microphone Black was fully aware his plan had gone up in smoke.

Except... Celestia said she'd be sending a letter herself. Perhaps another to intercept... Though this time, he needs to be a bit more... Convincing. A bit more... Cunning. A bit more... Direct.

Now where did he leave his pipe bombs? He could swear he had them around here somewhere... Oh right, they were in the cupboard. He quickly retrieved a step ladder to reach an upper cabinet hanging above his workbench as he opened the door to-

BOOM.

... Right, he forgot he had rigged the pipe bombs to the door as a safety measure. And as he lay in a pile of smoldering pieces at the bottom of the ladder he began to reconsider what he defined as 'safe'. After pulling himself together, metaphorically and literally, he retrieved the one intact bomb and slapped it into the Interceptio-tron 9000 before turning to the destination dial. He then turned it to a mailbox icon, and hit send, as the door sealed up and the machine beeped and whirred before the bomb vanished while Black snickered to himself.

... Wait was it targeting a mailbox instead of Celestia? Eh, doesn't matter, probably not important.

---

White spy silently sipped on his hot cocoa as he sat by the warm blazing fire he had built up inside his furnace, heating the now fully insulted walls of his mountain-top hideout, all of the windows now having proper winter sealing as he sat in the living area isolated from the rest of the evil base below and the telescope in the observatory above. Unlike that foolish Black spy, he had proper living arrangements, even if it was annoying to walk everywhere.

Ding-dong!

... Was that the doorbell? No wait, he had a different notification sound for the doorbell, that was actually the sound for when there's mail in his mailbox. He knew that thing would be worth the investment, as he quickly jumped out of his chair and walked over toward the access door for the box, opening it and-

---

Derpy Hooves was enjoying her day, loving the sight of the beautiful bright sky with the wonderful green grass below. Almost nothing could shatter the serenity of this perfectly calm moment, absolutely nothing at all-

Derpy turned towards the source, managing to focus both her eyes on the tippity top of the nearby mountain to see a pillar of smoke rising from within a small metal building perched on the top. The door then opened as a very toasty looking two legged mosquito man stepped out, straightened his hat, and fell face forward into the snow with a groan. Eventually the figure stood up, dusted himself off, had a little temper tantrum, then walked back inside and slammed the door behind him.

Well that was weird. Oh well, she's got a delivery to Canterlot to make, might as well hurry along. And so Derpy began humming her way along as she soared through the skies over Ponyville and toward Canterlot, happily bobbing up and down through the sky. As she soared over the castle of Celestia however, she failed to look down and notice the slight chip that broke off of one of the statues in the courtyard. It probably wasn't important, but still, someone should call a repairman... Or stonemason? Who fixes statues?

---

Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!

Guess who's back? Back again?

Author's Note:

BEHOLD MY RETURN. Feels good.

Comments

[Comickook]

Once again, you did a wonderful job on the dialogue, characterizations, comical action and future chapter set-up. REALLY liked the Spies' reflections on their current living arrangements as Black Spy made that amateurish attempt to frame Twilight for making that phony message to Celestia. Of course, Twilight and Celestia talked it out and Black Spy's scheme blew up both figuratively AND literally. And White Spy didn't fare much better (though at least Muffins didn't get hurt in the blast there).

And next chapter sounds like it's going to be Discord's return.

REALLY looking forward to more of this.

[jarjaxle]

Guess who's back? Back again? BEHOLD MY RETURN!

Welcome back, *Cocks the Shotgun*.....We might have to talk a little about your Tardiness.....

[EvilTreerat]

Ah good, he's back. *pulls out the industrial staple gun* Now hold still and most of these should just hit clothing. Emphasis on most...

And the Chaos intensifies. Good, good.

[TheCommunistDog]

Ahahah. Oh i really like this

[Stalin with Da Spoon]

11860740
Burnout's a bitch, and it has been the death of a good few stories, one of them not even involving MLP. But I shan't let it beat me this time!

[Capico]

[Capico]

I REALLY hope either Black or White is riding in the tank and it attracts the attention of Zecora's Resistance!
See, I love worldbending, mostly fantasy with modern. Does that make sense?