Twilight is hanging out with Rarity and Pinkie Pie. During their conversation she accidentally calls Rarity, Pinkie Pie. Apparently it's a much bigger deal than Twilight thinks it should be.
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ManeBrony
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Twilight after this conversation:
11388446
HA XD
Ok why is this already doing better then my first story. My first one is better.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/517765/drastic-measures
11388467
I'd say it's just as good. The other's cuter, but neither is better than the other.
11388521
Yeah I guess. But somehow it's my least popular story!!
I like this, really shows the pettiness of Rarity and Pinkie's less than nice self. Are you going to make more chapters?
11388620
I wasn't planning on it, but it's not impossible. This wasn't meant to be taken seriously
This was honestly not that bad. I really liked how you wrote Pinkie: not too eccentric, but not entirely "normal" either. It also makes perfect sense for her to helpfully suggest something like name tags while her friends are having an argument.
The best part was when Pinkie interjected with "Do you guys want glitter on your name tag?"
One recommendation I might have, if you want, is to avoid having too many character actions interspersed with dialogue, and also vary how it is spread out:
All these paragraphs start the same way, which can get tiring on the eyes. More importantly, the excess action slows down the dialogue, and makes what's happening less clear.
That's a bit of a personal thing though. The story itself was actually pretty funny.
Thank you for writing.
11388827
Thanks for the comment. How would you suggest I transition to a different character's dialogue instead?
11388830
Good question. Usually, you don't have to point out who's talking every time once you've established a back-and-forth:
I may have edited this a little too much, but the idea is that you don't necessarily need the character action there just to show who's talking. In fact, some writers can actually get away with using no identifiers at all, resorting to using just plain dialogue to show who's who. Needless to say, that's quite above my skill level.
Also, if you ever need to cut something, some character actions can be understood purely from what they are saying:
The line in bold is redundant, because Twilight being surprised or confused can be derived from her dialogue. It's not harmful to have the line there, but if every line of dialogue is coupled with a line like this, the dialogue itself slows down, which can be bad.
One more thing I should point out. You do have three characters here, so I also would recommend you err on the side of caution, and just use "said," when needed. "Said" is an invisible word so long as you don't overuse it either. If at any point there's a risk that the reader's lost, just use x said, and they'll catch back on.
Really the key thing here is variance. Having the same sentence/paragraph structure can stick out.
Hope this helps.
Disclaimer! Consult your physician before ingesting Potato's "suggestions." Don't try this at home! YMMV.
11388918
Thank you very much for this advice!
WHY does this have 16 likes? It's Basically my worst story
11469375
Wow! Are you the one who made this?
11469499
No, they're my friends who are a little shy 😅
11470302
Oh I see! Well if you can let them know I think that's awesome!
Oof, definitely been there before accidentally saying the wrong name (and definitely forgetting birthdays). Never had anyone be dramatic like Rarity about it though.
Rarity is sure dramatic
Pinkie is a genius with abnormally high brainpower, she just uses that brainpower for memorizing personal information instead of science... kinda like a certain robot lizard (if anyone doesn't get it I'm obviously talking about the Zucc)