Chapter 1
It was another average day in Twilight's castle, with three friends casually hanging out in the kitchen, with no drama to speak of... yet.
"And then I dropped the cake! I was panicking because I was almost out of time, so I had to redo the entire cake in like, five minutes! It was crazy! But I did it, and the customer had no idea!" Pinkie shouted happily.
Twilight smiled, "Wow Pinkie, sounds like you had an eventful weekend. I hope you didn't get in trouble for that."
Pinkie nodded her head, and giggled "I can't get in trouble if nopony finds out."
Twilight gigged, "Well your secret is safe with us."
Pinkie smiled, "yeah it better be! because I'll get you back if you tell anypony!"
Twilight smiled more, not really taking the threat seriously, "Oh yeah?"
Pinkie nodded rapidly, "Mhm! Don't make me get the feathers!"
Twilight nodded, trying to think of what Pinkie could possibly do with feathers, "Well either way that sounds like a hectic day."
Pinkie nodded again, her eyes spinning in her head from so much motion, "It sure was! What about you? Do anything exciting?"
Twilight shrugged, "Nothing too exciting. Reading, writing, reading my writing."
Rarity chimed in, "That sounds nice and peaceful. However Pinkie Pie I must ask, how in Equestria did you bake an entire cake in five minutes? Even if you made the batter in seconds it would take far longer than that to bake. Surely you were exaggerating."
Pinkie giggled, "Nope! I just turned the oven up really high!"
Rarity nodded, although she was still confused, "I didn't know that's how it worked..."
Pinkie nodded once again, "Of course it is silly!"
Twilight giggled, "Well I'm sure she knows what she's talking about. What about you Rarity? What have you been up to?"
Rarity smiles, happy to have a turn to speak, "Well I'm working on a new design that I think is quite lovely! I was inspired to make it when Rainbow Dash preformed her sonic rainboom at her last Wonderbolts show. It's going to have all the colors of the rainbow, but in a muted tone, and it will be shorter than my usual dresses,"
Pinkie gasped, "That sounds so pretty!"
Twilight nodded, "I agree, I bet you'll do an amazing job Pinkie,"
The room went silent suddenly, aside from Pinkie quietly giggling. It stayed like that until Twilight looked back and forth at the two, trying to figure out why nopony was talking.
"Rarity" said Rarity.
Pinkie started laughing at the situation.
Twilight face hoofed, "Oh yeah! Rarity. Sorry about that,"
Rarity frowned, "My name is Rarity. Not Pinkie,"
Twilight nodded her head, "Yeah I know, of course I know that," she said, trying to reassure Rarity.
Rarity nodded in response, seeming to accept this answer, however she stared at Twilight for several moments before speaking again, "Then why did you say 'Pinkie'?"
Twilight frowned, confused as to why they hadn't moved to a different subject yet, "I guess... because Pinkie yelled right before I spoke to you, and I was looking in Pinkie's direction, so I got kinda confused?"
Rarity walked closer to Twilight, "We've been friends for years Twilight."
Twilight blinked in surprise, "Why is this such a big deal?"
Rarity teared up, "We saved Equestria together,"
Twilight nodded, "Yes, I know that Rarity. See? I know your name. Rarity, Rarity, Rarity."
Rarity scoffed, "Oh you're trying to memorize it?! Am I really that forgettable?!"
Twilight's wings spread out in frustration, and Pinkie had stopped laughing, "I don't need to memorize it because I know you!"
Rarity continued, "How could you do this? Do I really mean that little to you Twilight? Is it because you're a princess? So now you think you're better than all of us?"
Twilight shook her head, "Of course not! I don't think I'm better than anypony!"
Pinkie raised her hoof, "I can make us some name tags," she suggested quietly.
Rarity spun around dramatically, "I bet you can't remember anything about me!"
Twilight stammered for a moment, "Of course I do! And we don't need name tags! Your favorite color is purple! Your favorite fruit is plums, and you lie to Applejack and tell her that it's apples!"
Pinkie looked off to the side, "Applejack won't be too happy if she finds out about that..."
Rarity looked back at Twilight, "Oh yeah?! What's my grandmother's middle name?"
Twilight looked at Rarity in disbelief, "Why in Equestria would I know that?!"
Rarity pointed at Pinkie, "Pinkie Pie knows it!"
Pinkie nodded.
Twilight rolled her eyes, "Pinkie knows practically everything!"
Pinkie shrugged, "Do you guys want glitter on your name tag?"
Twilight glared at Pinkie, "No name tags?"
Pinkie looked to the side, "Well of course you don't need one. Nopony forgot your name. Just Rarity's."
Rarity once again turned away, beginning to cry, although it very likely was not real, "Well at least one of my friends can remember my name!"
Twilight glared, "Oh, come, on! This is really not a big deal! I know your name, and we don't need name tags! And I know a lot of other things about you too! I know how old you are, I know that your birthday is on June 27th!"
Rarity whipped her head around, looking at Twilight, seeming angry and almost disgusted.
Pinkie once again spoke quietly, "Um actually it's on the 26th"
Twilight went silent. She had to admit, that one was entirely her own fault, "Well- uh- i-... I was close!"
"Unbelievable!" Rarity shouted as she left the room.
Twilight groaned and put her hoof up to her head. She felt pretty dumb after that last sentence.
Pinkie walked over to Twilight and patted her back, "Don't worry Twi! Rarity is just being a big drama llama! So turn that from upside down!" Pinkie said, grabbing Twilight's cheeks and pushing them up into a smile.
Twilight pulled her face away, "Not now Rarity...er- Pinkie!"
Pinkie stared at Twilight for a while, and Twilight stated back. They said nothing for quite a while, until Pinkie stood up, "I'll go make those name tags now," she said as she left the room, leaving Twilight to just stare into space, and think about what she had done.
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Twilight after this conversation:
11388446
HA XD
Ok why is this already doing better then my first story. My first one is better.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/517765/drastic-measures
11388467
I'd say it's just as good. The other's cuter, but neither is better than the other.
11388521
Yeah I guess. But somehow it's my least popular story!!
I like this, really shows the pettiness of Rarity and Pinkie's less than nice self. Are you going to make more chapters?
11388620
I wasn't planning on it, but it's not impossible. This wasn't meant to be taken seriously
This was honestly not that bad. I really liked how you wrote Pinkie: not too eccentric, but not entirely "normal" either. It also makes perfect sense for her to helpfully suggest something like name tags while her friends are having an argument.
The best part was when Pinkie interjected with "Do you guys want glitter on your name tag?"
One recommendation I might have, if you want, is to avoid having too many character actions interspersed with dialogue, and also vary how it is spread out:
All these paragraphs start the same way, which can get tiring on the eyes. More importantly, the excess action slows down the dialogue, and makes what's happening less clear.
That's a bit of a personal thing though. The story itself was actually pretty funny.
Thank you for writing.
11388827
Thanks for the comment. How would you suggest I transition to a different character's dialogue instead?
11388830
Good question. Usually, you don't have to point out who's talking every time once you've established a back-and-forth:
I may have edited this a little too much, but the idea is that you don't necessarily need the character action there just to show who's talking. In fact, some writers can actually get away with using no identifiers at all, resorting to using just plain dialogue to show who's who. Needless to say, that's quite above my skill level.
Also, if you ever need to cut something, some character actions can be understood purely from what they are saying:
The line in bold is redundant, because Twilight being surprised or confused can be derived from her dialogue. It's not harmful to have the line there, but if every line of dialogue is coupled with a line like this, the dialogue itself slows down, which can be bad.
One more thing I should point out. You do have three characters here, so I also would recommend you err on the side of caution, and just use "said," when needed. "Said" is an invisible word so long as you don't overuse it either. If at any point there's a risk that the reader's lost, just use x said, and they'll catch back on.
Really the key thing here is variance. Having the same sentence/paragraph structure can stick out.
Hope this helps.
Disclaimer! Consult your physician before ingesting Potato's "suggestions." Don't try this at home! YMMV.
11388918
Thank you very much for this advice!
WHY does this have 16 likes? It's Basically my worst story
11469375
Wow! Are you the one who made this?
11469499
No, they're my friends who are a little shy 😅
11470302
Oh I see! Well if you can let them know I think that's awesome!
Oof, definitely been there before accidentally saying the wrong name (and definitely forgetting birthdays). Never had anyone be dramatic like Rarity about it though.
Rarity is sure dramatic
Pinkie is a genius with abnormally high brainpower, she just uses that brainpower for memorizing personal information instead of science... kinda like a certain robot lizard (if anyone doesn't get it I'm obviously talking about the Zucc)