Applejack owns a musket

by thebandit2000

"tally ho lads"

“Thank you coming everypony” Twilight said beginning the meeting.

“No sweat” Rainbow said “Not a problem darling” Rarity said
“oh... its not a problem” Fluttershy whispered “Not a problem sugercube!” Applejack hollered “I'm here too!” pinkie yelled across the room.

Twilight smiled “great, so to began” Twilight’s horn began to glow with magic as she lowered a screen and a projector.
Twilight used the remote that was left on the table, she used it to show an image of starlight sitting on one of the thrones giving an evil smirk.

“As you all know by now, many different threats that we faced over the past few years or so-” Twilight began to explain, switching over to a slide showing a group of dark changelings hissing at the camera “-have started to well.... invade my home as of late” she put bluntly, as well showing a small unicorn, with a stupid looking haircut having a dark liquid pour from his eyes.

“And I was thinking of maybe having some form of defense might be long over do” Twilight said shutting off the projector
“and seeing has how no protection spells work for whatever reason I thought that I might get some ideas from you”.

Twilight pointed to Rainbow Dash
“so Rainbow any ideas?” Twilight asked, Rainbow gave a small laugh
“we should learn karate, that will give them a run for their money” Rainbow proclaimed Twilight nodded.
“What about you Rarity?” Twilight asked
“Believe it or not I think we should with Rainbow’s idea, I know it can get me out of a few tight spots” Rarity explained
“besides I hear all the boys love a dangerous mare” Rarity cooed.

Twilight tapped her chin in thought “maybe” she muttered she turned to Fluttershy
“do you have any ideas Fluttershy” Twilight asked
“you could hire some guards” Fluttershy suggested
“hmm too simple” Twilight noted
“What the hell do mean ‘too simple’?” Fluttershy asked confused but Twilight ignored her and turned to Pinkie Pie.

“Any ideas Pinkie?” Twilight asked
“Use a knife, works every time!” Pinkie said happily Twilight raised a brow “have you used a knife on anypony?” Twilight asked, Pinkie’s face went blank
“n-no” Pinkie lied.

Applejack gave a long, hardy, anime villain sounding laugh “ya’ll are going about it the wrong way” Applejack stated turning towards Twilight with a grin “you should get a musket, just as the founding fathers wanted” Applejack proudly explained.

The whole table stared at her in silence.
“A what?” Fluttershy asked, Applejack snorted.
“Let me give y’all an example” Applejack began “say... four ruffians break into my house, I go upstairs and grab my powdered wig-”
“wait you own a powder wig?” Rarity so rudely interrupted “yep... got it right here!” Applejack said pulling out a wooden head with the said wig on it.

Rarity cringed at how dirty it was. “Anyway as I was saying, I run upstairs grab my powder wig, and my musket Kentucky rifle I run downstairs and blow a golf ball sized hole Through first intruder he’s dead on the spot”.

“Whoa applejack!” Twilight yelled “I just wanted a way to keep bad guys out of my home, not murder somepony” Twilight said shocked that her friend would suggest such a thing.
“Twilight its not murder if its in self defense” Applejack pointed out “besides you wanted a way to keep ponies out, well here ya go”

Twilight frowned “still... I don’t want to kill anypony” she admitted
“oh Twi we all got do things we don’t like” Applejack said sympathetically “but this I like to do” the farm pony admitted.
“Ok so you kill the first intruder, but what about the other three?” Fluttershy asked

“I’m glad you asked!” Applejack shouted “I wish I didn’t” Fluttershy muttered.
“Anyway I switch to my pistol since my rifle only has one shot, I fire but I miss him completely since it’s a smooth ball and I nail the dog instead”

Fluttershy gasped and covered her mouth with her hooves. “Why would you hit Wenona?” Fluttshy cried
Applejack rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious “she’s an old dog shy” Applejack explained “she’s gonna die anyway”.

“But wait, why are you planning on missing?” Rainbow pointed out
“Were ya’ll not listening?” Applejack asked “I said it wasn’t planed, why would I want to miss?”
“B-but y-you said-” Rainbow stuttered
“Anyway I have to run back up the stairs with my cannon mounted at the top”
“wha- why do you have a cannon on top of your stairs?” Rarity asked completely confused at point.

“Doesn’t matter, anyway as I said I go upstairs to the cannon and then I shout at them ‘tally ho’ and light the rope” Applejack explained
“I have never heard you say ‘tally ho’...not once” Rarity stated Applejack ignored her comment and continued her story.

“Anyway the cannon goes off and kills two of the intruders and the shrapnel from the grape shot blows a hole in my house, and breaks a couple windows in the town” Applejack explains.

“But you’re a couple miles from the town how would that break windows?” Rainbow replied
“I think its because it is really loud” Twilight thought out loud
“are we not going to ask how she got a cannon in the first place!?” Fluttershy asked
“Or the fact that she plans destroying her house?” Rarity pointed out
“Hey guys I'm here too” Pinkie said wanting to be included.

“AHEM... moving on” Applejack commented “Then I fix my bayonet to the end of my rifle and charge at the last intruder he standing there in fear and doesn’t have time to react as the bayonet stabs his heart, he falls to the ground and bleeds to death as I laugh in victory” Applejack finally finished.

“And that is my idea... any questions?” Applejack looked around, the room was as quiet as the grave as all her friends gave confused and dumbfounded looks.

“What the fuck?” muttered Fluttershy finally breaking the silence.
“I have a question” Rainbow cried raising a hoof “what are the founding fathers?”

Author's Note:

Happy (late) 4th of July I guess

Comments

[THE_LONE_WRITER]

'MERICA!!!!

[Jinxed]

Very poorly formatted, but the reference is nice.

[thebandit2000]

11293162
Yeah I'm still new at this

[Pegasus 412AO]

I shall grant you a thumbs-up for pony-fying that wonderful copypasta, but the execution could use some work. Assuming you're not just shitposting for the lols on Independence day:

1) Dialouge from a new character begins a new paragraph
2) If that makes most of the paragraphs a single sentence, there's not enough description to give the dialogue room to breathe.
3) Show, don't tell. Instead of Twi telling the rest of the Mane 6 (and by extension the reader) she's been dealing with ruffians trespassing in her home, perhaps one of those instances could be the introductory scene.

Of course, the more seriously the story is put together, the less it makes sense. Why would Twiggles need an implement of lethal force? She herself is quite capable of dispatching a foolhardy burglar as lethally as she wishes via magic. Hence, I'm going to assume this is just a goof on a copypasta.

[thebandit2000]

11293165
thanks for the advise, and yeah this was suppose to be a short story based on the copypasta but I really didn’t know how to format it in the form of a fanfic

[Hillbe]

Spike you're late
Sorry on the way to the castle Bon Bons house exploded and peppered my but with grape shot , but I got it
It's about time Precious Scales
380 Mossgerg and a M-2 fifty cal and three thousand rounds Oh and a surplus Atomic bomb
Wut?
Real mares love power and Bits or Dragon that can reach out and touch some creature
but a bomb?
That's mine!
cool apples
Pinkie...

[LazyHooves]

As a moderately redeemable black man would say.
"If I'm robbing a pony, and it calls me a ruffian, bro I'm just walking back out the door"
Great job dude.

[Schwaboo]

Villain problems require American solutions

[Monk With No Name]

If I’m robbing somepony’s farm and they call me a “ruffian” I’m just walking back out the door, there is nothing on that farm worth taking.

[Alondro]

11293439 Duly noted... *Alondro's hidden mountains of gold are secure!*

Fools... all of them! FOOLS!! MUWAH HA HA HA HA!!

[Alondro]

11293394 Do you know how many movie villains would be solved with the obvious answer to the single old TV Trope "Why Don't We Just Shoot Them?"

Hannibal Lecter? BOOM! DEAD!!

Joker? BOOM! DEAD!!

James Bond? BOOM! DEAD!! (Alondro works for S.P.E.C.T.R.E....)

[Alondro]

A 'ruffian' breaks into Alondro's barn! Alondro oozes out like only an Alondro can... and grins... "Pecking order!"

The ruffian wishes he was already dead at that moment.

[overdue]

if pinkie has a cannon it's not so unbelievable that AJ has one too
good fic

[thebandit2000]

11293673
ah good point

[thebandit2000]

11293301
thanks

[LazyHooves]

11293439
I see you are a man of shit post and badgers as well

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

“No sweat” Rainbow said “Not a problem darling” Rarity said “oh... its not a problem” Fluttershy whispered “Not a problem sugercube!” Applejack hollered “I'm here too!” pinkie yelled across the room.

Pinkie should be capitalized

[Haradion]

11293614
You know, I often see this being questioned. Why not just execute the villain? But it occurs to me it's a rather uniquely American question because most of the civilised word has long since abolished the death penalty on principle. Wouldn't even occur to them. For most people You would have to pass specific legislation to bring *back* the death penalty, (somehow circumvent laws that forbid 'particular punishment' where a law can it made explicitly to target a single person) then execute them. Assuming of course the joker (Who can't escape Arkham whenever the feels like it) couldn't escape his execution.

Technically speaking I think Not Executing the joker saves more lives than it costs, because he spends some of his time in Arkham. Whereas it he would face the deAth penalty he has no reason not to escape day 1 and spend *no* time in Arkam. Not executing the Joker gives everyone time to breathe. Too recover and rebuild. *Trying* to execute him would probably end with a Judge with a Joker Grin and a bomb that detonated on a gaval strike.

So you are back to why doesn't someone *murder* the joker. Before trial. But then you're not just talking about *executing* him but straight up killing him, no trial and no process. WHich... Seems like soft of thing heroes would refuse to do.

So then you are left with Anti Heroes. Why having people like Red Hood or Punisher killed all the villains? Anne the answer to that is that are simply unable to. If Red Hood for his hands on Joker he wouldn't hesitate.

[Aresnightsworn]

11293613
You mean this gold * points to a mountain of gold behind him*

[garbage_bin]

FINALLY!!!! someone did this, i tip my hat of to you.

[Alondro]

11294167 Alondro hmms, "Yes, that's the cursed gold I've been trying to get rid of for 5,000 years. Thanks!"

Alondro is TOO GENRE-SAVVY FOR HIS SHIRT!! AND HIS PANTS!! Alondro is now nekkid. You may vomit at your leisure.

[Alondro]

11294163 The Joker isn't real. He escapes because THE PLOT. You can kill everyone in a comic, then bring them right back in the next issue, or hell, on the very next PAGE. It's mostly bad writing, but it can still be done because FICTIONAL CHARACTERS DON'T EXIST. Therefore, basing what you do in THE REAL WORLD on what occurs in FICTION is delusional to the utmost degree.

Seriously, this generation's grasp on the difference between fantasy and reality is laughably broken. Especially in New York City... my god, are they stupid.

[thebandit2000]

11294145
Oops I didn't catch that

[AgentKorpsman]

11294373
agreed but flordians meanwhile

[AgentKorpsman]

11294163
11294359
you do reliaze that the joker has more people killed over 1,028 people right plus among other things and its all there and witness so no fiar trail at all just put him on death row and get down with it.

Plus at least red robin is actually doing what a sane person would do instead of letting him go everytime.

Also I think batman just does that to stay in the crime fighting game or to stay active

I am right?

[AgentKorpsman]

Twilight tapped her chin in thought “maybe” she muttered she turned to Fluttershy “do you have any ideas Fluttershy” Twilight asked “you could hire some guards” Fluttershy suggested “hmm too simple” Twilight noted “What the hell do mean ‘too simple’?” Fluttershy asked confused but Twilight ignored her and turned to Pinkie Pie.

I agree with fluttershy.
Plus the guards are really unless

[AgentKorpsman]

“Whoa applejack!” Twilight yelled “I just wanted a way to keep bad guys out of my home, not murder somepony” Twilight said shocked that her friend would suggest such a thing. “Twilight its not murder if its in self defense” Applejack pointed out “besides you wanted a way to keep ponies out, well here ya go”

yeah that is why your home and equsetria got iinvaded three f**king times with that kind of thinking twilight

[AgentKorpsman]

“What the fuck?” muttered Fluttershy finally breaking the silence. “I have a question” Rainbow cried raising a hoof “what are the founding fathers?”

oh dash *puts hand on her shoulder* much to learn you still have, much to learn

[fanreader999999]

‘Kay?

[BioQuillFiction]

Russian Badger... Top five shit poster YouTubers.

[Alondro]

11294508 I made Florida what it is. It's merely one part in my Master Plan.

In 2032, Alondro becomes God-Emperor. All the fools are MY puppets! Even Winnie Xi Poop and Pootin! YOU ARE ALL MY SLAVES, BECAUSE I AM EVIL CHARLES XAVIER!! YES! I HAVE BEEN ONSLAUGHT THE ENTIRE TIME!! MUWAH HA HA HA!!

....

And I'm only dragging this out because it amuses me. So there.

[Alondro]

11294511 This is why we need the Psycorp!

YOU WILL TRUST THE TELEPATHS....

i.pinimg.com/originals/ab/b9/2f/abb92fa40f439747a8dc79814e454805.jpg

Alondro looks in the mirror, "I am an AWESOME monster!" And then there's Alondro....

[AgentKorpsman]

11295194 yes

[The Mystery Fluttershy Fan]

Recorded for the audio version. Some of that grammar was a bit rough, started out correcting some of it as I read, but realized maybe it will make it funnier, like a troll fic, to read it as written.

[thebandit2000]

11295678
Oh oops I didn't see the grammar mistakes
edit: man my grammar does suck

[Blitzwing98]

This is, as the kids would say, based.

[notAperson]

"Just as the Founding Fathers intended."

[Artich]

[Phara_mine]

No matter how many times I read or hear this it always makes me laugh. Nice S-post friend

[Arceaion]