I used to be so so Joyful, once upon a time. Then the sky started falling, and the people started dying, and I wept. I wept as all I knew had died around me, and I was left alone. I wandered for a time, before finding sanctuary. An abyss. An endless black abyss. I let myself fall into the darkness, let myself be swallowed by it.
When I finally emerged from that darkness, I found myself in a new world...full of life...and I tried so very hard to fit in. I tried to ignore the hurtful words, the screams at my approach. I tried to ignore the attacks flung at me, the fire, the stones. I tried to use reason...but they saw a monster, and only a monster. At first I saw no positives, until I examined further. The species, once divided, united at my approach. My purpose in this world was made clear...I was not to find comfort, I was merely a tool. A rallying cry, 'protect your children, for the monster of rust has come!'.
I am Evil, and that is okay.
the paragraphs can blend into text walls. I can see what you were going for emotionally, but it falls flatter than paper because there is little to no build up or anything after his decision. If you cleaned it up and broke up the text more, you could definitely turn this into a decent opener for a redemption fic.
👍
11609586
As I said, it's been a year or two since I last tried writting, but I thank you. I'll export this to a Google Doc and get cracking on it.
11609853
Yep, I’m not trying to come off as angry neither am I trying to say you’re shit. I’m just trying to leave a meaningful comment that actually helps out.
I personally fid nothing bad about this story. In fact, I'd rather like to see this serialized into a longer fic. The premise is, well, interesting to say the least. Better some human isakei'd into some OC monster, than the over-used premise of Human into canon villain. Thumbs up for the idea, M8! Have a moustache:
11609586
BTW, the OC is supposed to be a girl, not some guy. Reread the fic, M8!
11611179
There are quite a few flaws, as well as many places I can make improvments to this story. Hopefully will most if not all of the flaws out by the end of the month
11611388
It's cool. Take your time and get it right. Just some polish is only necessary.
This is good. Please continue your work.
I’d like to see it
The sight of evil is often without thought, many would brush off those in need but many would act sympathetic upon the very mare turned dark. Your story invoke tire and hollow, should you continue in your expedition of detailing a story of this caliber. You asked whether a branch timeline should be made as such continue, make a story which reminds readers not of ponies but of suffering.
Many would reject my thought, however young adults and college kids would know of suffering as that is when time is most prime of development, a development of what society is to those inexperienced and willing to understand.
Yes, please. Would read 10/10
One chapter is to little.
MORE.