Trixie Hears The Good Word

by GoldenDoodle

Of Jesus Christ

*THUMP THUMP THUMP*

Trixie shot up from a dead sleep, flopping out of bed to the ground with a screech. She groaned as she rubbed her chin, magically tugging her sleeping mask off to look around her wagon's interior. The orange morning sun filled her window, birds sang and fluttered outside as she stood up on all fours.

*THUMP THUMP THUMP*

The distinct sound of 3 sharp knocks at her door rang out. Trixie didn't have any plans this early, and knew Starlight would never bother her this early, so she had no clue who this could be. She scowled and grumbled as she trotted to the door.

"This had better be good, The great and powerful Trixie is never up this early!" She said in a huff, opening the door.

She saw a younger stallion, late teens with a white coat, neatly combed dark brown mane, and a red tie around his neck. She had no bucking clue who in equestria this was, and she had a feeling no one did. He perked up with a wide smile and pep in his step that give Trixie reminiscent shivers of Pinkie Pie.

"Have you heard the good word? Today could be the first day of eternal life for you!"
The stallion said with glee.

"....immortality, for moi?" She lifted her head to look down on him, as she curled one foreleg back to her chest for dramatic flair.

"Yes ma'am, bought and paid for by the blood of our savior for your eternal soul! Jesus Christ!" He replied.

"But…. Trixie doesn't remember meeting He-Sus, and certainly didn't need saving!" She punctuated with a chuckling snort.

"Well, that's just it ma'am, Jesus was the son of God, the creator of Heaven and Equestria, and he died so that everyone that accepts him into their hearts get eternal access to the Kingdom of Heaven," He gave an uneasy smile, adjusting his tie.

"So all Trixie has to do is accept this Jezsis into her heart and she becomes immortal and gets a kingdom?" She leaned in, amazed at the simple offer before her.

"Eehhh…. Y-Yeah, we could do that right now, and all you have to do is sign my list, accept some gifts from me, and repeat some lines after me." The stallion pulled a clipboard from his saddlebag, and held it out with his mouth.
Trixie ignored all the details, the lengthy text, and signed her name at the bottom of the page, excitedly wiggling in place. He returned the clipboard to his bag, pulled out a beaded necklace, a letter, and a book. Trixie eyed the simple red beaded necklace, it had a charm of a 't', she quickly donned it. The book was black and leather, emblazoned with the words 'Holy Bible' in gold, her new immortal spell book, or so she thought. Lastly there was a letter with a small map, a large welcome to the church family message written on it.

"Okay, now just repeat after me; I acknowledge I was born of sin, and was lost."

"Trixie acknowledges she was born of…sin and was….lost?" Trixie tilted her head.

"But in the blood and sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, my sins were forgiven."

"But in the blood and sacrifice of Jaysus on the cross, Trixie's sins were forgiven."

The stallion held her hooves and Trixie leaned away uncertain.

"So I accept Jesus Christ in my heart, and enter the kingdom of heaven."

"So Trixie accepts Yesus Christ in her heart, and enters the kingdom of heaven."

Trixie felt a bit odd on her hind legs holding hooves with the teen, especially a sweaty one, but luckily he let go with a smile.

"Congratulations Trixie, you've been born again, in Jesus' name." He whispered.

"Trixie doesn't….feel different, did your spell work?" She said looking herself over.

"Yes, Jesus in your heart now that you accepted him." The colt said, "Well, great to meet you sister Trixie, I have to spread the word to others, so I'll see you Sunday."

"Oh! Uhhh, Trixie will see you…then?" She said trailing off as he walked down the street.
Trixie bounced up and down stamping her hooves like a filly in excitement, squeaking. She couldn't believe her luck, a young warlock had given her immortality, and made her a King, with a neat little map of her kingdom.

IN.YOUR. FACE. TWILIGHT. she thought smugly.

She just had to tell Starlight, so she got herself dressed and ready, making sure to keep her talisman of immortality on at all times. Prancing down the street, she sipped on her cup of coffee, cape billowing in the gentle breeze. Today she truly became great and powerful, and she was beginning to feel the magic in her. The streets of the inner city were tightly packed and busy, but Trixie barreled through the middle of the crowd, head held high.
"Make way peasants, King Trixie takes large steps!" She said as she barreled a school filly to the ground with her hip, then an old stallion.

She finished up her coffee and simply pitched the cup randomly behind her, prancing through the heavy morning wagon traffic, eyes closed in delight. She was immortal and had no need to be cautious anymore! She heard yells and screeches from behind her as she hummed, then a loud crash followed by several more, her bubble of immortality bounced the puny wagons right off her!

She was nearing the school, but the street was gated off. A parade moved up the street much to Trixie's dismay, but luckily there was a construction site right next to the school she could cut through. She trotted along with clicks of her hooves as she passed a stallion on a jackhammer with said something about entry, but he was ignored. She hummed happily on her good fortune, passing under a large curtain hanging on a scaffold she flung it with her magic. A dozen or so metal pipes fell from above skewering themselves into the ground as Trixie didn't even flinch.
She aimlessly walked up a ramp, onto the second story, spying a metal beam hanging over the fence in her way. She trotted along with a bouncing step on the narrow beam, nearing the end to hear some yells behind her, the beam bent, lowering her safely to the ground. She spied the pristine grounds of the friendship academy and made her way to administration where Headmare Starlight would be.

Standing outside of the dim office was Ocellus, Trixie had remembered the changeling pupil as she approached.

"Oh hello Professor Trixie," Ocellus greeted her with a wave.

"Oh hello Ocellus, it's actually King Trixie now, she became an immortal king thanks to a young warlock with heart magic," Trixie blurted out to the changeling.

"I… what…. That can't be real…" Ocellus said bewildered beyond belief.

"Oh it is, Trixie's aura of immortality protects her from danger." Trixie said raising a brow.

"Miss Trixie… I don't think that's how that works…." Ocellus said, wanting to hide in her own skin.

"Ha ha, neighsayer, you'll see soon enough that Trixie is a king, now let Trixie through, she has to see Starlight." She said standing in front of Ocellus.

Ocellus decided this cringefest wasn't worth it and she would talk to Starlight later, silently she slunk away. Trixie waited outside the locked office, pacing for the longest she's ever had to wait ever in her immortal life, 15 minutes. Starlight rushed down the hall, a mess of papers floating beside her, mane in a poofy ball with brown stains, she unlocked her door hurriedly.

"Trixie? what are you doing here? I'm so so so late, oh my gosh…."

She flipped on the light, bolting in, dropping the wad of paper on her desk with a groan of frustration. In a rare moment of empathy, Trixie cleared her throat and walked to her friend, putting a hoof on her shoulder.

"What happened, Starlight?" Trixie asked.

"Well, I was running a bit late so I hailed a taxi wagon, but some idiot ran across the street and caused a pile up. The air bags went off, and my iced coffee went in my mane and I got a face full of hot air. The papers I was reading from the students went everywhere, and I had to run here, then uuuuugh! That parade took forever to pass."

She huffed and puffed, Trixie began to rub her shoulder gently. A sigh passed Starlight's lips as she rubbed her head.

"Wait, so why are you here again?" Starlight said, tilting her head at her friend.

"Well, have you heard the good word? Trixie became an immortal king this morning" Trixie said, head held high.

"You…did not," Starlight said, facehooving herself.

"Uhhhh, yes Trixie did, a young warlock cast heart magic on me and gave me a talisman of immortality." Trixie said, leaning in with a glare.

Starlight looked Trixie over, saw the new cross on her neck, and her jaw dropped.

"Trixie, I….oh my gosh, did you…have one for those door to door missionaries convert you?" Starlight said, baffled.

"Trixie said an incantation to accept a Geezit into her heart. Then the warlock gave me a talisman, a spell book, and a deed to her kingdom, " Trixie said with a sly smile.

"There is no way you got this….this wrong…I don't even know where to begin," Starlight stammered.

"What do you mean, 'Trixie's got this wrong?'" She pouted.

Starlight held up the "Deed" to her kingdom.

"THIS, is the directions to the church's 'Kingdom Hall'!"

"So.. so…Trixie's not a King?"
Trixie shrunk her stance back as Starlight leaned in angrily holding the Bible.

"THIS, is the holy frickin' Bible, a religious text!" Starlight huffed, tugging at Trixie's cross with her magic.

"....it's not…a spellbook?"

"THIS, is a cross, it shows you're part of their religion!"

"B-But how do you explain the wagons bouncing off my aura?" Trixie blurted out.

Starlight dropped the cross on the tile with a clang.

"No, no bucking way did you cause a 5 wagon pile up and make me late for work!" Starlight screamed out, steaming furiously like a tea kettle.

"Trixie's sorry?" She managed to eek out.

Starlight face-desked, groaning and crying.

Author's Note:

This is my second ever fic, and my first time writing anything comedy.
I really don't mean to offend anyone, just Trixie absurdity.

Comments

[WhispersInTheDark]

I'm not sure this story would have worked with anypony other than Trixie...maybe Pinkie, now that I'm thinking on it...

[Omegathyst]

"Make way peasants, King Trixie takes large steps!" She said she barreled a school filly to the ground with her hip, then an old stallion.

PFFFFFFFFFT 😂😭

Great comedy and ending! Looking forward to what you write next

[lordofchaos14]

I was a little concerned after reading the description, but this was a great idea.

[Ebony Gryphon]

11181251
And as Trixie made a swath of destruction throughout the green green grass of Creation, Jesus said "No wonder dad doesn't talk to them no more."

[orp]

I was triggered, then I saw the tags, lol.

[Level Dasher]

11181192
Nah, Trixie is absolutely the only pony this would work with. Even Pinkie would be too suspicious of the idea.

Dear lord (badum tss), this was ridiculous in the best way possible. And this is only your second story? Good show!

[Hillbe]

Wait until Trixie reads the fine print...
You need dead first
Sez who?
Halfway there

[GoldenDoodle]

11181845
Thank you for the kind review, I used to write alot privately, years ago, but I never felt the urge to share or post until I met Omegathyst irl. The positive reception of my work definitely makes me want to write more on here.

[redandready45]

I always wondered how an Equestrian pony would react to Christianity and scripture. I immediately wanted to pick up this story and I'm glad to have read it.

Trixie literally taking the scripture at face value is exactly what I expected her to do.

[Nightflight406]

As a Christian, I find this cringie and hilarious.

[GoldenDoodle]

11182179
Lol, that's about what I was going for, thank you!

[Joe Toon]

As a Christian, I approve of this. I've met too many "so called Christians" who act like this. Reading this here both cringes my soul and brings a smile to my face.

[LordBucket]

"Make way peasants, King Trixie takes large steps!"

Hail Trixie the Great and Powerfulosus!

[redandready45]

11182189

I think the way Trixie acts is a bit different.

A lot of so-called Christians use their faith to act superior to others. Or in the case of prosperity gospel frauds, use the world of God for personal enrichment.

Trixie's issue is that she takes the scripture way too literally because she doesn't seem to have any conception of metaphysics.

[Joe Toon]

11182228
You make a good point. Can't argue with that. Still, felt an odd sense of satisfaction reading this.

[CapNTilfy]

11181251
With this comment being all the context I had, I thought the following happened:

Jesus: *appears before Trixie*
Trixie: "Who are you?"
Jesus: "I am the King of Kings, my child."
Trixie: *comes to the conclusion that she is a King*
Jesus: "...That is not quite what-"
Trixie: lolkthnxbai

This was funny stuff!

[n3k1dsk1llz]

HAHAHA this was great!

Trixie would totally do this. Either she would completely miss everything like this, or she would become a complete Zealot.

[silverMEGAlicorn]

As a Reformed Baptist, there is so much to unpack here and I fear I’d be typing for HOURS. So I’ll just leave it with us, Trixie, it doesn’t work that way, not at all. 🤣

[Moonlight Tome]

Huh. Turned into Mr. Magoo for a moment there.

[mestreJ]

Hebrew religions in general make me angry so the beginning bothers me but Trixie getting it all wrong managed to dispel it and it was a bit funny

[Raine_Lionheart]

Ah, Trixie. Unintended blasphemy is always fun.

[Teikan]

not making fun of religion

already, don't like it