"Lanyard Up", Zephyr Heights!

Hi Pippsqueaks of Zephyr Heights! This is your one and only Pipp Petals, signing on to give you an important public service announcement.

Dropping your phone.

We’ve all done it once or twice, before we all regained flight magic. Like, I get it. You try to be careful, but sometimes your mind’s on other things, or your hooves are slippery, and it just happens. I can’t tell you how many times I almost dropped my phone in the toilet! (Not as many times as accidentally turning on my rear camera in the toilet, though…yikes! Sorry, Pippsqueaks!)

But since the return of flight magic, the Zephyr Heights Police have seen a dramatic increase in phones dropping from high altitudes.

Dropping your phone a meter or two? Sure, like, your screen may crack and you may lose your photos.

Dropping your phone from 100 meters? 1000 meters? That can kill.*

The biggest cause of accidental phone drops? Mid-air collisions. And look, I get it. Ever since magic’s returned to Equestria, we’re all figuring out this new flight thing. Maybe some of us are still working on getting steady air. Maybe some of us are already up there flexing our aerial stunt skills. Or maybe like me, you’re so hype about just being able to fly and you can’t wait to snap some #cloud_selfies. And that’s all great, your experience is valid no matter what!

But the biggest cause of high-altitude phone drops? Mid-air collisions due to texting while flying, and that it is a proven fact! You can ask my sister if you don’t believe me! (But I’ll warn you, she’ll bore you for two hours rambling about statistics. And she wonders why she can’t get a date.) It goes without saying, that you shouldn’t text, watch videos, or browse social media while flying around! Hover stationary, or better yet, pull over to the nearest cloud before you text with your BFF~!

Okay, so maybe you don’t text while you fly. Maybe you’re a very careful flier. But even if you’re not clumsy, even if you don’t text while flying, somepony else around you could be! They could hit you, and you won’t even have time to react! Which is why the best way to protect your phone and others below you…

…is to wear a phone lanyard!

Yesterday, the Zephyr Heights government signed into effect the Phone Lanyard Mandate, requiring all flight capable phone users to wear phone drop protection when flying more than 5 meters above ground. And the ZH government (so basically, my mom) has recruited the biggest influencers in Zephyr Heights (so basically, me) to help increase awareness about phone lanyards.

Phone lanyards are super easy to use. Just secure the straps to your phone, and hang it around your neck. It’s that easy! In fact, I’m wearing one right now as I write this!

Having a phone lanyard gives you a peace of mind that you’re not going to drop your phone while cruising above the clouds! Imagine, like, how stressful you’ll feel if you do drop your phone. Once it slips below the clouds, good luck trying to find it! Don’t count on trying to chase after it either, even if you think you’re a fast flier! Let’s see what my super-athletic sister, Zipp, has to say about this! She writes:

So I was flying over the clouds, on my way to my usual rock climbing spot in Ghastly Gorge. I pulled out my phone to check my texts. And then some idiot pegasus mailmare clips my wing and I lose my grip on my phone! The thing just slips out of my hoof!

And as I’m nosediving and chasing after my phone, all I hear that stupid mailmare saying to me is, “I just don’t know what went wrong!?” Geez, big help. And yeah, I didn’t catch my phone. I couldn’t see the thing, the black screen just blends in with the trees below!

Now my phone is destroyed, my progress on Flappy Scootaloo is gone, and I have to repair somepony’s broken skylight AND buy a new phone, since my phone warranty is voided too. I should have worn a lanyard.

Right! As part of the mandate, phone manufacturers are required to void your warranty if you don’t wear a phone lanyard. So, wear a phone lanyard, or as I like to call it,

“Lanyard Up”!

And I know, they look kind of dorky. But with a little creativity, you can customize your phone lanyard to match your personality or your “luminescence”. One of my best friends, Izzy Moonbow, writes:

Glitter! Lots of glitter!

Sprinkle glitter on the neck strap and glue some gems for an extra blingy look! Or, wrap the strap with thin strips of colored aluminum foil to get a shiny, metallic stripe look! Ooh, you can even make a phone lanyard out of canvas and decorate it into a little purse! Add pockets for storing cards, cash, and sardine-flavored bubblegum! Cause you’ll never know when you’ll need to smell like a rotten sardine!

As you can read, the options are endless! (Though I’m not sure about the sardine flavored gum…) Izzy and I will be doing a collab livestream at 8pm tomorrow evening if you want more phone lanyard decoration tips!

For more discreet drop protection, you can get a nifty self-retracting phone lifeline, which is also legal under the mandate! Simply fasten the spool under your wing, and attach the end of the string to your phone! The string automatically locks if you drop your phone. My sister made one of these “DIY”, with an extra battery pack built under the spool, but you can buy a premade one too!

Remember, as part of the mandate, all Zephyr Heights residents can get one free around-the-neck phone lanyard sent to them by mail. When you’re shopping for a phone lanyard, be sure to look out for the “ZH 1100 Compliant” sticker. Fake products can be dangerous, especially non-compliant phone lifelines. The string may not lock properly, or it may even break from the weight of your phone. Yikes, amirite!?

We recommend Canterlogic products, which have been rigorously tested by our royal lab (so basically, my sister), and they are all ZH 1100 compliant! Use offer code “PIPPCOIN” for 10% off your first order!

Remember, the fine for failing to comply with the lanyard mandate is 1000 New Equestrian Bits (equal to about ZH$5000 in the old pegasus currency). If you kill or injure somepony, even by accident, you could face criminal charges and jail time as well. And besides, negligent homicide-by-phone is like, so not poggers.

So, let’s embrace our flight magic, Pippsqueaks, while keeping our phones and our fellow citizens safe~~!

Lanyard up, Zephyr Heights! Pipp Pipp hooray~!

Author's Note:

* Yo, this is Zipp. So technically, a falling phone would approach terminal velocity due to air resistance, so a phone dropping from 100 meters versus 1000 meters would hit the ground at about the same speed. If we assume the phone has a terminal velocity of about 20m/s (admittedly, estimates vary widely), and the phone is 0.150kg. Using a simple high-school physics formula, the kinetic energy of the phone is:

KE = \frac{1}{2} * 0.150kg * (20m/s)^2 = 30J

30 joules would definitely cause injury, but it is unlikely to be lethal. Still, you absolutely should wear a phone lanyard. It's been a month and I still haven't regained my progress on Flappy Scootaloo.

(Zipp, STOP HACKING MY FIMFIC ACCOUNT!) 😠

It's all in the name of scientific literacy, Pipp.

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Comments ( 16 )

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dudenotactive

dudenotactive #1 · Mar 5th, 2022 · 1 · ·

"Thanks to lanyard, I don't drop my phone anymore, but myself! "

Fricken hilarious story, very relatable

DeffBwade

DeffBwade #2 · Mar 6th, 2022 · · ·

Lol i legit learned the KE formula in physics class a few months ago

Even more lol, i completely forgot it

Side note:
LANYARD UP EVERYPONY!

FFNend

FFNend #3 · Mar 6th, 2022 · 3 · ·

negligent homicide-by-phone is like, so not poggers.

Pippa has a special way with words. I love it

Pipp Petals

Pipp Petals #4 · Mar 6th, 2022 · · ·

11173027

Pippa has a special way with words.

Wrong royal! My name is Pipp...

11172617
LANYARD UP YAAASSS QUEEN

ShadowLDrago

ShadowLDrago #5 · Mar 6th, 2022 · · ·

Getting very "don't text and drive" energy. Same basic idea, I suppose. Although a collision between two pegasi is less immediately lethal than one between two cars.

silverMEGAlicorn

silverMEGAlicorn #6 · Mar 6th, 2022 · 3 · ·

And as I’m nosediving and chasing after my phone, all I hear that stupid mailmare saying to me is, “I just don’t know what went wrong!?” Geez, big help. And yeah, I didn’t catch my phone. I couldn’t see the thing, the black screen just blends in with the trees below!

Derpy 2.0 🤣🤣🤣🤣 She LIVES!!!

Buck Swisher