• Member Since 7th Jan, 2022
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Comments ( 305 )

I think you just got drive by down voters due to noncon it’s not a bad start to a story

... Did you not see, or ignore, the two spelling mistakes right up front? One of them in the story's title?

The one in the title i did not assume was a spelling error but a new word that would be notable in the story, that said it could totally be a spelling error. The other spelling error no I did not notice it I am not a great speller and it has to be bad to pull me out of a narrative.

In rebuttal, think of the hot garbage you have seen on this sight random punctuation, spelling so bad you cant understand the sentence, and so many narrative jumps its like a record you cut a cake on. This story is not great its not high literature, But read it through its not bad and its not even close to four up and twelve down. Not wanting to call any one out but the same day I read this I read Fluttershy gets a gun. its also not a good story. I would assert it is notably worse and it has a better ratio.

I am working through a lot. So please excuse the spelling. I promise to do better on letter chapters. Also, I kinda did that first chapter a little wonky unintentionally. But looking back it kinda makes sense in a weird way. I can go back and fix the spelling. But given the events of the first chapter? I kinda want to leave it as it shows how out of it one can be. But don't worry. The following chapters won't be as scattered... mostly.

I can't speak for the others, but yeah, I assumed that the spelling mistake _in the title_ was introducing a new tradition, not a demonstration of the lack of editing or quality writing in the rest of the story. It's unreadable, the downvote has nothing to do with the plot and everything to do with how poorly it's written.

I am working on the spelling and plan to go back and fix the other chapters and stories. So I hope you'll be willing to give them another chance.

Great story spelling mistakes and all

if you will take some advise, slow down more convective tissue between and in scenes and limit your self to one jump cut per four of five hundred words.

I'll be honest. I don't understand what you mean with the first part. But as for the jumps. I will try and do less jumps. Just know. That I may end up splitting the chapters between two groups. But as the story builds, I will likely do fewer jumps. I was considering adding drama to help with that. But I don't know if or when I should.

How best to explain, look at the fist two paragraphs of chapter one first person perspective with thoughts feelings and vivid descriptions. Now look at the first two paragraphs of chapter four third person omniscient perspective and multi tasking actions. Slow down have FrostBite involved in finding a place to stay then afterward idle chat when walking meet Rarity and they help him with the town government. things should normally flow from one thing to another naturally with observations feelings thoughts and conversations around them.
it seems like something is going to happen in a short time in the story you want to get to and are mashing the "advance the plot" button. A tip copy and past your writing in to a text to speech and listen to it it can help point out things reading will not. Also Hemingway is a great free tool.

I'll keep that in mind.
This is what I was going for:
Up to this point I kinda wanted it to feel like things were a bit mixed up and choppy. As he is new to the place and tossed into the citation. Now that he's in town and he's getting a chance to take a break.

I'll be sure to slow things down a bit. Besides, there's a few unanswered questions to take care of and more to come. I hope you keep reading and commenting.

If you have a suggestion of what you think might be interesting. Even if it's vague like "visit a xxx toy shop". Let me know... but not that one. I actually may have an idea for that already.

Glad you're enjoying it.

Great story I like the way its going

Thanks. This might be a bit of a spoiler. But I will be breaking the forth wall soon. Likely to make a shout out or something. I haven't decided what all will happen yet.

Yeah I don't get the dislikes. It's a plenty good start way better than a bunch of other stories on here. There is way worse spelling in other highly rated stories.

Thanks for the compliment. Fell free to share more of your thoughts on my stories. I'd be glad to hear what you think.

I find this story to be perfect and that could be a true West or you can just have Sunset Shimmer appear

That was one of my ideas. Sunset moving to Ponyville for the summer. Or FrostBite finding his way into Canterlot High. Though the second idea may wait for way later. For now I'll get the stage set and see what folks think.

I can't wait to see what you do who knows it could be a shocking twist to everyone

This story likly won't have a twist ending. But I'll try and make it an enjoyable ride.

Great work and I say surprise me

Let them go with frost bites idea

FrostBite had two ideas. Deballing him and bucking him stupid.

Love the punishment you pick and I say pick applejack or fluttershy next

Tempting... very tempting. And I may have an idea on how I can do that. But I think I'll set something up first before diving into it. After all. Kids will be kids.

Great chapter and have you thought of using derpy


Now I just image discord gets desperate and ends up as. Eris

I did ask for suggestions. I'll try and think of a way she can join. But for now, she'll likely just make an appearance.

I've heard that name before. But can you tell me what franchise the Eris you're referring to is from?

It’s the female name of discord as well as a character in the mlp comics but I was meaning discord get turn female

May need to nerf him. But I may be able to make that happen.

Like the chapter and I say fluttershy cause she would not expect it from her

I'm guessing you mean Fluttershy wouldn't expect FrostBite to show up.
Rainbow won't expect Fluttershy to hide him.

Am I close?

Fluttershy... the cute, SHY, soft spoken, animal caretaker. The one that always asked for forgiveness and permission even when she didn't have to. You think that she would make the first move?... whell.... let's see if someone else has a different idea. But I'll keep that in mind. Though I think it's obvious which of the main six would make the first move if that one night went different. lol

It is. And like I said. I'll keep it in mind. But really. Pinkie would definitely have made the first move... like she technically did.
Fluttershy may need a little bit more of a setup than her other two friends will. But I don't see a problem there... other than how the animals will react. lol

I think you need some more editors i saw more spelling errors: The two i found were "could fire" i think you meant "Cold Fire" and in your author's note when you asked your readers "Who wants to bet how soon til Twilight goes 'Twilinannas' " you wrote "How wants to bet how soon til Twilight goes 'Twilinannas' " but aside from those i am liking the premise of this story keep up the great storytelling

Sadly I don't know anyone I can get to help me. Key word being know. Ya I might be able to pay someone. But that would require me to have money to spare. Also thank you for the feedback. I'm doing the best I can at keeping it interesting.

great progression i'm looking forward to what their house will look like when done.

I spotted two more errors in your story: First one when you had Rarity say "Darling" to our hero you made her say "darlen" instead. If you where to use "Darlen" again have Applejack say it. It would fit better with her southern drawl than Rarity's fancy speak.

The second when you had Spike introduce our hero to Twilight you said "we'll" instead of "will"

awesome you're setting up a great romance subplot. Keep it up.

Plus her name is "Maud" not "Mod" just thought i point it out

Thanks. I'll fix that.

The realm of… stuff Discord groaned as he held his stomach. "If Equestria doesn't stop tossing its magic around. I'll start tossing my lunch." Putting a claw over his mouth he fought back a burp. "Best be careful… don't know what will happen if my…" Just then he let out a loud BURP!!!!!!! And disappeared.

Hm I wonder what’s goin to happen to discord?

I want a surprise cause you tell a good story

Oh... you know. His chaos magic acting up, getting transported to a random place, changed into a different creature, swapping genders, getting turned into the bodypart of somepony... who knows...

Thank you for the compliment. I hope you're enjoying my other stories too.

Yes cause you have a way with words

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