• Member Since 22nd Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 9th, 2013

Didily Winkles


T

Dawn is a young mare approaching her mid twenties who feels like she has no direction and no discernible future. It is only when she meets more ponies that share her interests that she starts to find love, friendship, and what life is about.

Chapters (26)
Comments ( 89 )

It was a good effort, but the problem is I don't feel any character-reader connection. If she's been stubborn for years it's hard to believe that she would just "clean up" just like that. I don't think "whiny teenager" is a good type of character to open up with. It's implied she changes after this chapter... but still.

I'd also read up on commas and comma splices. It will help you polish your work a little.

The prologue/start was interesting, but I agree with what Steben wrote. Refer to his comment for specifics.

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I agree. The story has potential, but, as you stated, there are a few errors. Thankfully, said errors are easily fixed at that.

Liking this so far, it is a good start. Could still use some tweaking, though.

i think its good but then again i never was picky when it came to stories i read for the story not the words persay and good start indeed.

Great work, sir. Nice prologue.

But I'm not saying anything new when I say; there are quite a few errors. In punctuation, I saw one in spelling in there, and many tense usage errors actually.

Overall, nice story.

To be honest, however, this isn't my kind of story, you know what I mean? I'm well familiar with this kind of stuff already, and I'm kind of an action pony, so yeah...

I'll post my like for this story, though. Keep going with it. :twilightsmile:

Awesome work! :pinkiesmile: Can't wait for more!

No offense, sir, but you summarized what happens in this chapter in the story summary already. Haven't read through chpt 2, but based on the first and last paragraphs, I know exactly what it's about. Kinda boring.

Don't let me stop you from completing this story. There ARE ponies out there, obviously, who like this story, even if I'm not a big fan. Don't disappoint them.

Now, I gotta get to work on my own story. If u wanna c it, just click my name to go to my page & view it.

is the titile based off of breaking dawn?

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Err... No. That was going to be my orginal title but i was quickly informed of some vampires I wanted to avoid. :facehoof:

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Dually noted, I hope my story has more to offer than just the little synapse. Like you I have stories that aren't my cup of tea. (Ie Rarity Jack or something) so I hoped to inform the to be reader of what they were getting into.

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Yea, Rarity and AJ, (shudders)

That pic they have on the top of the site of them always makes me scroll down immeadiately... What a scary pic. :unsuresweetie:

Not sure if like, but I definitely want to see more. Then we'll see if like.

Filly has some self esteem issues. This story has definitely gotten my attention. I like how it is written and want to know where it's is heading. I think I can guess, but I think I'll keep my ideas to myself until we are a few chapters farther in.

I like it! It's pretty interesting, and I can't wait for the next chapter! It's well written too, not just a bunch of random stuff thrown together; I already get the feeling I know the main character.

He was a couch for the wonderbolts

I laughed really hard at that typo, because it changes the meaning completely :rainbowlaugh:

I'll give it a shot! Seems well-received so far!:pinkiehappy:

Well i am not bitching, i do like the story, but this comment is not about that.

I had a midnight release, when no pony reads sh*t and it was gone in a hour and a half, this story been on the top for well over half the dammed day.

Where is the justest.

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You know its funny i read that like six times and still didn't see that... :derpytongue2: much thanks.

Y1

Dude, commas. You need commas. I mean, holy crap man, 90% of the commas that should be here are absent. Not a bad story, the main character seems interesting enough, but still. Commas. And this is coming from a guy who gets teased for his abominable comma usage. If you really want this story to be the best it can be, get a pre reader that know's grammar.

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No problem, I took it literally the first time, and after reading it again I understood what you meant. Was still pretty funny though :ajsmug:

Still looking forward to the next chapter!

Oatburgers sound almost edible... I like Dawn as a character and the drunken version is pretty funny. The dialogue is funny enough. Unfortunately I think only resident US west coasters that are 30+ years of age will catch the 'Mule Howser' joke. ( Huell Howserfor anypony who is mildly curious.) Needs polishing too. And I'm talking so much polish. :ajbemused: I'm thinking you don't gots a pre-reader. I'll likely read more. Probably. :ajsleepy:

I have to admit, it's very intersting though as is said before.. you need a lot of edits, really a LOT of edits. There are often mistakes in it that make me re-read it a few times before I can understand it.

Besides that the story-line is very interesting, though I still have to get used to somepony being as good (or better) than Twilight. :twilightsheepish:

Will be reading more, very curious where this will go to.

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You are a god among men good sir. Thank you so much for your help. :pinkiehappy:

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I was honestly unaware of the the taboo concerning Twilight when I wrote this thing. :derpytongue2: Oh well if it works, it works. If it don't, it don't. I just figured there is always some pony who is almost as good as the best. :twilightsmile:

"Hello." He greeted waving a claw. He then turned to Twilight who was trying to comfort Rarity. "Don't you mean a magic get-together."

"Perhaps a gathering?"

Is that a reference?

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you never know twilight could quite possibly become even more powerful since she hasn't tapped into where ever Dawn gets all her power from.
very good story btw :scootangel:

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TIL Magic the Gathering is still played. But yes it references the card game, just a stupid little joke to myself. :twilightsheepish:

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I'm glad you enjoyed it. :derpytongue2:

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Np brosif. I'll try to help as much as possible. :trixieshiftright: I would start by saying that it looks like you're thanking me for a link to old Huell... Looks silly. :rainbowlaugh:

Also here's my two cents about Dawn's magical ability. Twilight has a social life at the point of time the story takes place. Dawn does not. Accepting Twilight is the most magical of all ponies, how far in her studies of magic for magic's sake would she be if she had no social life. I know friendship is magic and all but recluses do tend to get stuff done. The OC hasn't surpassed Twilight just approached the study of magic to Twilight's level. :eeyup:

Well written

Will read the other chapters tomorrow.

Keep on writing this story

A well written story. Keep on writing this way !

Let see what Luna has to teach her.

Hmm, it is quite interesting. But I still find it hard to believe Celestia would not be reasonable and not know dark magic. And presuming she does, she would have learned Twilight.

I still don't really understand why Twilight is being portrayed weakly at times, that's the only thing that bugs me.. but hey, maybe this is my Twilight fanboy'ism.

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Hmm, I am unsure what you mean by weakly. I intended to portray her as a classic Architect personaily. While the N is Definitely debatable, the ITP it is in essence what Twilight is. The Smarty pants episode and the episode with Trixie show her in a less than flattering light, which i think is better than an all around strong heroine do-gooder. But I could just be reading too much into what you mean by weakly. As for Celestia I reason she hasn't had the time to learn something she never felt the need to while running a country. Luna on the other hand had every reason and time on the moon. 'no thy enemy' kinda deal. There's my unprovoked two cents of the early in the morning :pinkiecrazy:

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Story is already written but much thanks all the same. You humble me, I hope I don't disappoint. :twilightblush:

sleep? who needs sleep? AWWW YAAAA!!!:pinkiehappy:

beautiful... just absolutely beautiful, can i has moar please:twilightsmile:, if its not too much trouble :twilightblush:

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If there would be an award for the best OC, I would give it to you.


New chapters awesome as usual:pinkiehappy:

This made me cringe in a good way. Cheers to you good sir. Cheers. :moustache:

why oh why do i have to work when more chapters come out for awesome stories :fluttercry::fluttercry:
Also keep up the amazing writing, bro hoof /) :pinkiehappy:

It's hard to move away from home. :fluttershysad: Good job on the feels.

Well, the only bad thing about this story is the problem, that nearly nopony knows this awesome story. Somehow I'm sad that the story will end soon, but anyway, still more than 40% left :pinkiehappy:

*Cracking Dawn Update*.........6 Chapters :pinkiehappy:


Great as always, it was nice seeing a more emotional aspect of dawn. I think in course of the story you got her overall charakter really good.

Dawn is best OC :moustache:

Also:
s14.directupload.net/images/121104/tjlgqnio.jpg

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Some pony needs to fix this. This really is a great fic. I think it's the description, doesn't do it justice.

Aww... April is gonna be a downer in the coming chapters. Refusing doughnuts...

you wouldn't happen to read some of Aegis Shields Fics would you? :trollestia:

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April isn't really gonna be a downer but she will have a lot of mixed feelings because she had started to move on and then pooofff... Dawn appears.
Also I agree fully this is an amazing fic, now if we could only get it featured :trollestia:

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Can't say I have, perhaps I will later. He looks quite popular.

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Ha! I love that.

Finally some consequences to dark magic use. It was starting to feel like it had no real drawbacks aside from some social taboo.

My apologies for making this so late. I was teased for a week with the promise of a proofreader but we just ended up trading stories. He's no bronie so he'll likely skip over this story and its affiliates. None the less, the next batch should be out next week I wanna get this done so I can play video games guilt free. Not that you guys are pressuring me or anything, I just don't like to be held in middle of the story for weeks on end and I'm sure that feeling is mutual.

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