- Member Since 14th Dec, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 4th, 2023
TheForgottenOnes
Professional Lurker, specailises in proof reding
TheForgottenOnes
Joined 14th Dec, 2016 ·
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This was a joy to read
The pacing is perfect, not a single scene wasted, A very tightly spun narrative and characters that the reader can instantly empathize with.
Contrary to popular belief, spinning a story is very difficult, and it truly is an art. This story was so well done, so expertly told, that I am very impressed.
TheForgottenOnes really is an artist.
The Monk
“You’re right. Violence is never the answer.” “Violence is the question.” “And the Answer is YES.” -Illua
Weird
10847386
Thank you for your comment, you flatter me so!
10847684
What about the story makes you think ‘weird’?
That guard would expect a kick to the face.
Bro, my urge to kill would have skyrocketed.
Sure you don’t.
That would have been a good question to ask weeks ago.
Technically, he’s not lying.
I liked it!
It was a nice combination of sweet and erotic, and the relatively little dialogue during their encounter only emphasized their physical reactions, such as AJ's tail coiling around his leg, and her reaction to being kissed.
I’m glad that you did include dialogue during that scene though; I think that if was a completely wordless tryst that the emotional impact would’ve been lessened, somewhat. You found a good balance between letting actions speak louder than words, and letting words result in physical reactions.
Really enjoying your style! Any chance you’ll be making other similar romantic (and I do consider this story romantic, despite no formal relationship actually being started) with the other main cast?
Edit: I had an interesting thought, and I wanted to write it down before I forget. It would be /very/ interesting if you wrote a sister story to this, but from Applejack's point of view. To understand her motives, her reasons, and exactly why she felt the need to touch a (seemingly) asleep creature's member. Not to mention all the feelings she experienced during their encounter, but from her perspective. Essentially getting the other side of the story.
I love your HiE stories. Always well done.
10847386
I couldn't agree more.
Their are a few grammar issues* and a couple spelling, but other than that, beautiful story.
I especially liked the different take of Equestria. We normally see them empathize with a lost and homeless creatures. But no, convicted and sentenced! It felt so wrong and different that it was a refreshing change to the status quo.
* The grammar issues I refer to is:
New paragraph when the person speaking changes.
An example:
“Look mister, we run a tight ship here on this farm, unless you plan on leaving, ah suggest you start picking up the dead branches,” Ms. Applejack spits. Everyone else is quiet as they wait for your response. You gulp before giving the imposing mare a nod before giving a soft, “Yes ma’am.”
It just needs one paragraph break to read easier....
“Look mister, we run a tight ship here on this farm, unless you plan on leaving, ah suggest you start picking up the dead branches,” Ms. Applejack spits. Everyone else is quiet as they wait for your response.
You gulp before giving the imposing mare a nod before giving a soft, “Yes ma’am.”
10849607
I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying them! Getting comments like this, complements mixed with some tips, always gets me to smile. It was a little disheartening to see a negative ratio of likes to dislikes at first but I can’t expect to have people like my stuff every time. I just hope people can leave their critiques and thoughts even if they don’t like the fic.
Once again thank you for your words and I hope you like what comes next!
10847386
Same goes for you!!
10849272
I hadn’t considered that, but now that you mention it, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little interested pursuing another story from a different perspective.
10849662
Well, I mean in Field Work, you have two perspectives, but it’s a shift that happens as a part of the story. What I was talking about was having the exact same story, but told from both sides; in this case, maybe a second chapter from AJ's POV covering the events of the first chapter
10850429
Personally, I think I’ll pursue a making it a whole new story, with some extra details/variations. Looking back at the story, I feel like I put a lot of detail into the build up and background events compared to character building. AJ gets the most out of the two but really, I wish I put more effort into establishing why the human is the way he is in the story, he wasn’t always so meek in my mind.
10849272
Absolutely agree, I would love to see this from the ponies point of view.
Monk
“Not telling you too much about humanity's special power, but I can give you a big hint! It is pure, concentrated spite.” -Knight Breeze