- Member Since 14th Dec, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 4th, 2023
TheForgottenOnes
Professional Lurker, specailises in proof reding
TheForgottenOnes
Joined 14th Dec, 2016 ·
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TheForgottenOnes · 20k words · 80 8 · 2.8k views
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Is the sister also an OC? No, I haven't read the story yet.
So when will fithy gut him
8639736
naw not rly
shes just there to create a problem
8639795
not as long as its a secret
Remember, open to comments on my writing. Looking for anything that might improve my style>
8641731
LMAO
I was confused for a minute there, I had a good laugh after I realized, thanks for bringing that to my attention!
Done and changed
This was actually much better than I was expecting considering the score. I'm guessing most people down voted it from the tags without even reading it. The grammar is comprehensive and there isn't really much too triggering with how it ended. I don't normally comment on things, and when I do it's usually because it's a work that feels unnecessarily hated on and under-appreciated. Don't let the current score get to you, this genuinely feels like a solid straight-up clopfic.
8645122
ayyy, a constructive comment! Really though, thanks for the words, means a lot seeing as this is my first fic. I'm glad you feel that way!
That was awesome hope this gets a sequel.
Should be "leaves."
Should be "Then."
Needs a comma after "wrong."
Should be "French."
BTW, what's with all the abrupt, mid-sentence switches in perspective between first-person and second-person in the second and third sections?
8870424
Thank you for bringing those errors to my attention, and my only excuse for the weird perspective changes, is that I’m just an inexperienced writer. Aside from that, thank you for the comment.
And no one noticed the part where it said pinkie owed "me" a favor then switched back to second person?
This was a fun read
You show a good understanding of BDSM. The protagonist is resourceful, well prepared and unfaltering in his role as a Dom. And if I said that I wasn't a little jealous of Diamond Tiara, I'd be lying.😏 Very good job!
Really hoping this gets a sequel. It's a really good story.
I agree with Chaos. The score doesn't really reflect the quality of the work done, and suspect it's largely to do with the tags/initial content. The descriptions are good, the action is hot, and I would genuinely love to see a follow-on chapter or two to this one. There's a few grammatical issues, but nothing too bad, and that's about the worst thing I have to say. Well done!