- Member Since 17th Aug, 2016
- online
ChiefKitsune
Hello everypony and welcome. Hope you enjoy my stories.
ChiefKitsune
Joined 17th Aug, 2016 ·
Online
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Interesting so far
Btw you used repaired where I assume you meant prepared
10670431
oh thanks my computer did that on me without me noticing. Also congrats you're the first commenter!
can't wait to see them meet
i like alot of your storys and want to see them continue but then i rememeber that it will take ages for you to update them all. i still like them and they are like a nice treat
10743108
Thanks and yeah my muse is a very fickle thing and it annoyed me to no end when I can't write and continue my stories since I love hearing how you enjoy them. But I still have several stories I am working on and I can't focus on any single story to work on.
I really liked The Adventures of Charm Feather, so I am exited to see this continue and where you will go with it.
Alduin
This is a bit of a run-on sentence and needs some restructuring.
Consider:
I realize the screen has frozen on me. The screen seems to simmer like a surface of still water, before a hand reaches out from the bottom as if a person is climbing in through a window.
Run-on and disorganised sentences are a bit of a continuing problem here. I won't quote and suggest fixes for everything (as I'd be posting much of the chapter) but I would really suggest getting a beta reader to help.
Alduin
Four
Ok, so this mostly a personal thing, so use or ignore as you wish, but having two or more first person views, particularly when switching mid-chapter, can get confusing fast. Both for reader and writer.
I would suggest keeping the MC in first person and when switching to another character keep them in third person.
Just a suggestion, but it makes things a touch easier to read.
Remove the unnecessary 'it is'.
Ok, so, thoughts. Your first chapter does the job of painting a picture of what to expect but it lacks a hook. There is very little here to grab a reader, mostly due to it being so short.
This is a first chapter, not a prologue. A prologue is a very short intro that explains nothing and is entirely a hook to capture the reader.
A better prologue would have started with Twilight's pov and ended with her witnessing the MC falling from the heavens into the Everfree.
Then the first chapter would show the MC saying good bye to the Dragonborn (entirely skipping the flashback) and their entrance to Equestria. That would be the opening to the chapter.
You have good ideas, but you are still clearly stumbling through the new writer traps. I suggest getting a beta reader to help write this.
Not reading this story boy and female parts together very creepy
Hey another chapter nice
I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. I wonder how Twilight is going to react to seeing a young griffin single-handedly take down a freaking wyrm.
She'll probably looks a little something like this.
XD
Won't Fus Ro Dah be faster at distant attack?
11081840
Yes but the MC is not the Dragonborn remember? and they didn't spend years learning with the greybeards on how to shout either. I felt that making the MC both the Dragonborn and have all that badassery I wouldn't be able to make the story interesting enough during combat because by the time the MC leaves Nrin it's been probably about two years since the DB defeated Alduin. Anyway the long and short of it is that I just didn't want the MC to be too OP to the point they are boring.
11081485
I know I should probably just ignore this comment but I have to ask;
'Why did you feel the need to make this comment?'
You could've just stopped reading and never read it again or heck even a downvote if you don't like it that much. But unless I get serious static from my readers that they don't want the MC to be an intersexed (futa/herm. having both male and female parts) being, I won't be rewriting my story to please a few disgruntled readers. Especially since it seems most readers either like it or don't care that the MC has both sets.
11081751
Who said anything about that?
11082453
It just creeps me out having a female part in a male part together on the same body just creeps me out nothing against you don't let one comment destroy your creativity keep on writing I did like the beginning getting sucked in by the TV when playing your favorite game I just hope that does not happen to me when I'm playing Red Dead Redemption 2 the year 1899 no internet
Yay your alive im so happy thanks for all the hard wotk.
Cool to see this get a rewrite!
Great to see you active again and very happy to see this story is not dead.
Hopefully, you will be able to update more often.
Well now. Welcome back my adventurous fellow
Nice to see an update
Welcome back. Good to know this amusing story isn't dead.
I'm happy to see this updated.
Also. Paragraph 1 line 2.
I couldn't help myself from jumping t every noise and shadow.
It should be "at"
Hope to see more of this soon.
so, reading through this, looks like grace here isn't a herm now? I remember before the update she was one...
Well this ain't a reboot, this heres a whole rewrite. I am happy that you decided to pick up the pen again and I wish you luck in your endeavors
11531755
Indeed that has changed, as looking back on it I felt making Grace a herm would a a bit too far from the story I'm taking inspiration from.
11532527
Well I use the term reboot, as it is going to be the same basic story;
A Human male ends up in Skyrim then ends up in Equestira as a female
In my opinion, a whole rewrite would mean that that changes somehow. But since I am not planning on changing that basic part I figured Reboot would be a better wording. Not to mention that I know a lot of readers had high hopes for this story when I first posted it, I felt they deserved to know that this story isn't dead, in fact, it's getting a whole new look. One in which I hope meets the expectations of my readers. I hope this clears up why I used the wording 'Reboot' rather than 'Rewrite'.
I already love the story