Hi i hope we can be friends (https://www.deviantart.com/tophzaraki) Art and Writing is my passion
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A young man that newly transfered at Canterlot high and found a new girl thats makes his heart beat. Although its gonna be a challenge for him will he ever be able to make a boyish girl that is Rainbow dash to make her heart melt for him or will he fail and get rejected.aka you
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There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. I'd suggest getting a proofreader long term, but here are some pointers to get you going.
1. Learn the difference between 'its' and 'it's'. The former denotes ownership, the latter is short for 'it is'.
2. Punctuation and sentence length. Many of these sentences are way too long. I would suggest using commas to break sentences up, and avoid Capitalising Words At Random.
10649342
Yeah sorry about my English I only check it twice I guess I should check it three times thx for the heads up and I hope you still liked the story i also fixed some of the things you said sorry that i didnt exceed your expectation and instead gave you some disapointing errors.
10650140
It's OK. We all have to start somewhere.
You misspelled "don't" with "dont". you also misspelled "write" with "right", and also put a comma immediately after the word "essays". The word "your" should be replaced with "you're". Either remove "on" or "A little bit", put a comma after that and replace "The bus was here" with "the bus arrived".
should be, "and the two of you entered the bus, and sat on the same seat."
Now the dialogue in this paragraph shouldn't be stated through narration, but rather in dialogue, like this:
Now if you didn't notice, the dialogue I used to start this conversation came from the previous paragraph. The other paragraphs also have the same amount of grammar problems. Now I could just edit this entire chapter, but I don't have the right to do that. So the least I could do is show you where the mistakes are, so that you'd learn from them.
I hope I was helpful with this.
10650969
Woah I had a lot of errors I didn't notice sorry ill try my best to do things right I greatly appreciated your comment ill edit this out by the morning thank you so much for taking your time just to write this thank you >w< and I will totally give you credit in the author's note
10650992
You're welcome.
10651005
i did what you said and i also change some things here and there and i could really use some your opinion and expertise again.
10651858
What do you need help with? Also, I wouldn't call myself an expert.
This was a nice OC x Rainbow story. Although, the story did felt a bit rushed, which is not that big of a problem because it's just a simple ship fic.
There are still some grammar problems here and there. A prime example of said problem is this section from your story:
Now this section lacks something that's very important to grammar: punctuation. Now you probably know how to use punctuation marks; periods are to show the end of a sentence, a comma can make two separate sentences into one, etc. Now, this paragraph lacks the use of punctuation (and not to mention that this chapter is riddled with it), let me show you what it looks like with punctuation, and I'll bold the ones I added.
Keep in mind that I bolded words that aren't misspelled. I bolded them because it would be easier to see the punctuation marks that I added.
I hope that this'll help you.
That's all?
Looks like someone came prepared.
But, didn’t he say not to get his hopes up?
Do people actually do this?
Don’t you mean he?
Ok, we’ve only been friends for at least 7 hrs. You have no right.
Oh no
Huh, that was not what I was expecting.
If you knows it was coming you should’ve dodged.
I was thing something similar, but I didn’t think anyone would agree.
If it wasn’t him then who was it?
Is it equestrian magic?
This doesn’t seem good.
10652765
Ill leave it to you 😏
10652535
Thank you very much horsues for advice and for correcting me since I'm still learning you were a big help seriously thank you very much
10652541
Maybe
10652827
Aw man
I’d take my chances trying to dodge them.
Wow, that was really good.
10652535
when im reading the dialogue i saw some missing words that i missed lol sorry.
10653206
It's okay. It's very easy to miss things when writing.
I thought they said they didn’t have any more room.
Sus
Aww, someone is jealous.
What’s the worst thing?
Damn, couple dares.
10652541
I'll be continuing the series
Oh I am supporting you all the way my friend. Cant wait for the next ones.
You're FILIPINO!?!?!
Never say that.
God damn. Why?
Ok, I understand she’s upset, but that’s no excuse to make my man feel like he was hit with a shovel.
Something tells me that’s in the future.
Sounds like pinkie came up with the receipt.
Rare indeed.
Is he not gonna question it?
I’ll be honest, I thought he cheated.
What was he gonna say?
A twist?
Wasn’t it nighttime?
Damn, why the girls always gotta be so aggressive?
10715948
only Zack
10716528
Oh... I thought you were actually Filipino.
10716546
you seem shock XD
10716548
Well, it's cause I'm Filipino.
10716463
atcualy what i did before it wont happened again but instead i will make it a lot more family friendly although it's going to be a prequel
10716596
Zack will be the main character of it
10716596
10716599
Is this a response to my comment?
10716612
only on the part when pinkie pie made a reference on the dark future that i didnt like making
10716618
Ohh. I think I remember that.
Wow, this is a lot to take in.
That's really early for a birthday party. Like really early.
It didn't feel like he was sensitive about it if he told Hearty on the spot.
Remember people, this happened early in the morning.
To be honest, this chapter's not that bad. It's not perfect, but it isn't that bad either. It just needs some tweaks and all. Though, I can't wait when I get to retell this chapter for the spin-off.
10751212
im so sorry for the changes
10752133
It ok. It’s understandable.
This chapter seems familiar.
10752822
Well it is a rewrite.
10752845
Yeah, but I thought it was gonna be a rewrite of certain chapters.
10752860
Actually, they've been rewriting the second half of Volume 1.
10752955
Isn’t the entire story volume 1?
10752976
Yes. Don't know why I wrote "Volume 1" instead of "this story".
10753055
Yea, that was kind of a little confusing.
This man, rush can never catch a break.
10753055
10753069
Actually, chapter 10 wasn't meant to be this way i already deleted half of it i think i forgot to save it and instead released it the wrong one
what im trying to say is it was never good bye now i have to try and remember what supposed to actually happen in this final chapter
10753420
Ohh. Ok
10753420
So that's why it felt more like the ending to the entire story rather than the ending to the first volume. Also, that ending felt like it would lead right into that old and much darker sequel to this story.
10753433
never again that is such a big mistake i don't even know why i made that