• Member Since 17th Jun, 2017
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The Red Parade


I wish you all the luck in the world, you need it more than I do.

E

Nurse Redheart has a rather strange holiday tradition. Every Hearth's Warming, she hikes up a mountain to take in the cold, frigid air. But this time, there's more on the line. This time, she isn't alone.


This was written for NeirdaE as a part of Jinglemas 2020! For more information about Jinglemas, checkout our group!

Edited by the Great and Powerful WishComeTrue, rice and Flashgen.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

What a lovely little tale. This feels surprisingly cozy, despite the high stakes. Well done, Red.

This story is wonderful. You've managed to do that Red Parade thing where you've paired two ponies I never would've considered pairing, and now I can't imagine them as anything other than friends. Great work as always.

First of all, as a fan of Mayday Parade, I love the title. It's clever and fits the story nicely.

You do a wonderful job of describing the natural environments that surround the characters! There are some especially beautiful similes and metaphors that I like, including this one.

Snow falls from the sky as if a frozen angel was crying.

You also provide a significant amount of depth to two background characters, something that isn't easy to do. I like the backstory choices you made and the way in which a large portion of this depth and backstory is shown through interactions between Redheart and Night Glider at various and appropriate times throughout the story.

I have a bit of technical feedback that accompanies this praise and if you're interested, I can provide it.

Overall, this is a great work. I look forward to your future stories! :)

10605289

Haha, glad you liked it, and nice catch on the title!

I’d love to hear any thoughts and feedback you may have. Thanks for reading!

10605314
Here's some of the feedback I had after reading.

I was a bit confused about how Redheart and Night Breeze were able to see in the darkness during the initial portion of the search. I imagined that they were using flashlights, and this was proven correct by explicit mention of them later in the story. However, I feel like mentioning flashlights early on, perhaps including them in the supplies, would have made this detail more obvious and contributed to the mood.

The bags Gloriosa gave us are packed with supplies: blankets, first-aid kits, canteens of warm water, foal-sized jackets from the gift store. Most importantly, we both carry a signal flare to be used should we locate the foal.

There was also one section of dialog that felt a bit awkward to me.

I raise an eyebrow. “Oh? Maybe you shouldn’t have come along after all?”

The phrase "after all" is used by Redheart here, and she uses it again just a few lines later.

I bite my lip, my eyes drifting across the endless expanse of tall, dead trees. “Is it something you want to talk about? We have a long way to go, after all.”

"After all" doesn't contribute much to the meaning of either line of dialog, and I feel that eliminating one of the phrases could help the dialog feel more concise and natural.

In terms of the overall storyline, I feel that there could have been a bit more internal reflection and reaction in the moments after Wishing Well was rescued. It works fine as is, but in my opinion, adding a few more paragraphs would provide more characterization to Night Breeze and Redheart and give the transition into the final scene more flow. I will say though that the brevity of the rescue scene itself lends itself well to showing the way Redheart's mind processes the event.

I know that these are fine details I'm commenting about, but it's only because this story is very well-written. I hope that my feedback helps!

10605924

Some good points, I'll definitely take these into consideration. Thanks for your thoughts!

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