Gift of Gab

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Comments ( 9 )

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dashielovesyou

dashielovesyou #1 · Jun 29th, 2020 · 2 · ·

Okay, I'm not good at this stuff but I enjoyed this story. Steel Quill did good editing of this story as you said. I know I didn't say a lot , but I really like this story!

Rookie109

Rookie109 #2 · Jun 29th, 2020 · 1 · ·

Gilda got back!

Vis-a-Viscera

Vis-a-Viscera #3 · Jun 29th, 2020 · 2 · ·

10308305

And I like everyone who's as game for my writing as I am. Thanks for the comment, my man!

dashielovesyou

dashielovesyou #4 · Jun 29th, 2020 · 1 · ·

10308308
You're welcome!

Vis-a-Viscera

Vis-a-Viscera #5 · Jun 29th, 2020 · · ·

10308307

♫ Dial 1-900 GILD-A-GRIFF, and kick them nasty thoughts ♫

♫ Gilda got BACK ♫

Rookie109

Rookie109 #6 · Jun 30th, 2020 · 1 · ·

10308317
😎👌

LewdChapter

LewdChapter #7 · Aug 6th, 2020 · · ·

I liked this entry quite a bit more than your previous one.

It still suffers from much the same problems, and as such I'm not gonna harp on them too much cause you've already heard them. The one thing I really wanna say is something I alluded to in my comment on the Siren story: You really get in your own way.

Especially that divot running down it that strained against her chest, and her tail flicking out to show just how good it felt to let out her ferocious si-
-okay, how the blush wasn't making Gabby look like an oversized match she’d never know.

Stuff like this. You do it a couple of times throughout the story, where you interrupt yourself to make a somewhat related point. It can be done well, and I've definitely seen it done worse here, but it feels a lot like you're talking over yourself, and that makes it difficult to really become invested in the story. It gets to be distracting, and it actually kinda bums me out. You have a good thing here, I just wish you would let it stand on its own.

That said, I liked this. It was shorter than your other entry, while still having the same amount of impact. This felt more succinct, concentrated, and focused, for the most part (you kinda lost me near the end of the smut scene, cause a lot of stuff was happening and I had a bit of a tough time visualizing the scene in my head).

My advice for you moving forward is KISS: Keep It Stupid Simple. You've got a deep vocabulary, and I respect that, but sometimes less is more. Say not in many words what you can say in few.

Thank you for your participation in Muscle Mania 2020! We here on the judge's council wish you the best of luck!

Vis-a-Viscera

Vis-a-Viscera #8 · Aug 6th, 2020 · · ·

10371236

I did those interruptions to be organic, not to sound snappy. Part of being in the middle of so captivating a scene is that your mind's a mess. Things aren't this even-structured in a pony's mind when you're hot and bothered, and I've never understood why it keeps happening situations where one of the partners in a clopfic is clearly flustered. I wanted to show that Gabby's mind was a fractured about this as she states it is; to show, not just tell.

Gabby's thoughts switch because of how chaotic her mind is, something a 'Gabby's mind twisted in confusion' would deliver with all the subtlety of a runaway Friendship Express. I... was trying to go for soemthing new.

Thought, the complex wording is mostly my fault though, mainly because I don't know too many simple words. Lots of stuff get lost while I'm writing, and I always feel like an idiot for losing my train of thought in the middle of porn. It's not even because of arousal either (mostly) it's because I'm thinking of how the next scene goes, how the climax goes, how the ending goes, because no outline ever sounds good enough to me when I'm putting it to pixels.

Anyways, thank you for your kind words, and I apologize for failing to escape my past story's sins.

redsopine