Two Enclave ponies watch the wasteland from the skies.
Editing done by the fantastic Everfree Pony
Chapters (1)
Comrade Marble
Joined 4th Jun, 2016 ·
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Comrade Marble · 3.5k words · 11 1 · 209 views
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- Comrade Marble · 3.5k words · 11 1 · 209 views
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Congrats! You get a like.
9608169
Thanks!
Wish you luck on your writing endeavors!
Nice. Descriptions are great. You've nailed the atmospheric aspect of the story, and the narrative is damn captivating for less than 3,000 words. The whole thing flows pretty well, which I'm sure is in part due to your editor's efforts, but also undoubtedly owes itself to your own skills to a great degree. All in all, it's a glowing start. Good job.
I'm guessing this is a crossover with Fallout: Equestria, so is there anything I need to know about that before reading?
9608490
Good question! It should be able to stand on its own, but if you know a few things beforehand, it's probably easier to enjoy.
So, for a tiny amount of background, Equestria was decimated two centuries before during a war with the primary Zebra nation. Most of the surviving earth ponies or unicorns that survived were the ones that took shelter in the Stables. The Pegasi had a unique advantage with their cloud cities, allowing them to seal themselves off from the irradiated surface, forming The Enclave, a Pegasi government based around a High Council. They've kept themselves mostly isolated, generally telling the populace that the surface is uninhabitable, though this isn't quite the case. They've been known to send recon teams and small expeditions down to the surface, something that this story focuses on. The surface itself is habitable, but pretty dangerous. There is scattered settlements and groups, though there isn't many real nations yet.
Pretty much everything else you need to know is in the story itself!
If you have any other questions about the setting, I'd be happy to answer them!
9608486
I did my best to tie things together and keep a consistent tone, I'm happy that it came out as I intended.
Thanks!
Very interesting, and a fascinating take on FOE. You managed to get the tone and atmosphere to a T! A few small grammatical errors, but overall it was a pleasure to read!
9608612
Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback. From what I've heard so far, most people have enjoyed the way I've written the atmosphere, so I'll be trying to replicate that in the future.
9608664
I think the atmosphere is perfect. It maintains the two things critical to the FOE universe (and Fallout in general.) The despair and brutality of the Wasteland, and the sometimes-subtle but often present sense of hope.
Good story. I liked it. There is just one little mistake that I found.
Chaos is the opposite of order, not Harmony. The opposite of Harmony is Discord.
So, unless this was on purpose, I suggest that you change it.
This was very well worth the read, thank you for sharing it!
9608783
I ended up using Chaos rather than Disharmony, as it seemed to convey overall state of the world more accurately. Thanks for pointing it out though!
9609095
Thank you for taking the time to read it!
Mmm, yes, a good shortstory.
9610472
Thanks! May I ask what you liked about it?
9610477
Bah, it's mostly stuff you've read in a few of the other comments.
Though I appreciate how chaotic-neutral the conflicting character responses are, especially given the presented scenario.
9610502
With Downdraft, I was mostly wanting to portray someone(pony?) who wanted to help, but had been ground down by the things they'd seen in the Wasteland to they point that they didn't see it as worth it to do so. She sympathizes with those on the ground, but isn't willing to risk herself to help them at this point. However, she was perfectly willing to turn a blind eye to Summer Breeze trying to help them, even approving of it to an extent.
Summer Breeze was interesting to write as I didn't want to embrace the stereotypes of the Enclave being totally evil or just misunderstood. As a result, I tried to write him as somebody who wanted to help, but wasn't able to take the final step and blatantly going against authority by intervening. Instead, he did his best to help in a way that he though he could get away with without repercussions. He's meant to be a naive and well meaning character in contrast to Downdraft's cynicism.
Overall, I was trying to portray them as, well, normal ponies in a bad situation, rather than the usual heroes or villains. I wouldn't necessarily call them chaotic neutral, just normal.
That's what I was aiming for at least.
Nice little story you have here. Not many people can write something short and fullfilling, and I do honestly want to see more now, but are yet satisfied at the same time. I do always like to see stuff from different perspectives, so if you ever did a follow up would I love to see the world from the merchents point of view, or even the raiders. Telling the same story 3 times would maybe be a bit much, but would tell so much about the wasteland if it was the same story just told trough different eyes.
Don't mind the downvote by the way. There are some people that simply just hate FoE for no other reason than being FoE, and some people that just down vote stories when they see stuff without anything red to them.
Nitpicks:
"She spared a moment to glance to the right for a moment" Repetitious repetitions are repeating
"He hovered alongside her" linebreak mistake
"his breathing hitching as he saw a glimpse of another form lying in the mud ." The space is on the wrong side of the period here.
“We could help them.” You need a space in front of this sentence.
9622061
Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback. I've actually had a somewhat related story in the works, though I've had trouble actually getting my ideas on paper. Aside from that, I'll be sure to correct those issues that you pointed out.
I really appreciate you taking the time to not only read my story, but also write out a comprehensive response!
9624932
I am admin for 2 of the largest FoE groups on this site, if I didn't took the time to give proper feedback would I not be any good leader of a group! Beside, I work as a pre-reader in my spare time, I notice those nit-picks no matter if I want to or not, it is an occupational hazard when you have pre-read for half a dozen years.
As someone who hasn't read FoE, I really enjoyed the atmosphere here. This was a very tight, terse yet engaging read; well paced and ripe with detail. Great work.
10125327
I'm happy to hear that you enjoyed it!
Very good and atmospheric fanfic! Can I translate it into Russian for publication on ponyfiction. org?
11042065
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Please feel free, I'd appreciate it if you tossed me a link once it's done :P