Fallout Equestria: Strawberry Jam

This story is a sequel to Fallout Equestria: Cloudy Skies

The rationing of the Grand Pegasus Enclave makes for somewhat bland cuisine: opportunities to spice up meals are generally seized with enthusiastic ruthlessness steered by a desperate desire to inject some flavor into life.

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Comments ( 6 )

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Sir Mediocre

Sir Mediocre #1 · Nov 9th, 2021 · 2 · · Dispatch ·

Serious birb pones seeking clandestine condiments... you have my attention.

Also, assuming your date of 5/23/183 is relative to the year of the Last Day, this story takes place 5 years before my own fic. Cool.

A ~~couple~~ few minor technical quibbles:

core part of life: On a very basic level

When setting off a second, directly related thought with a colon, the first word should be capitalized, though with a semicolon, it doesn't need to be. A general rule of thumb is that if the related sentence is complete and could be independent, capitalize it and use a colon. If it is complete, but can't be independent from the first thought without seeming out-of-place, use a semicolon and don't capitalize.

minimalistic, grey, tri-laminate pouch

Consecutive adjectives need commas.

Squad made ground fall before dawn, making use of inbuilt night-vision capabilities to begin the raid.

We can presume that the superiors reading this brief will be aware of the equipment issued to their operatives and the uses thereof, so that half of this sentence can go. If you were narrating the event directly, it would be fine, but in a report, it is unnecessary.

found in the wastelander den: while the small jars

In this case, the second thought can be set off with a semicolon rather than a colon. The two thoughts are related, yes, but they can stand on their own, so a semicolon is better.

Sergeant Gaze wasn’t exactly a sterling investigator, unfortunately: while the footage from the helmet cameras of the strike team was quite helpful, it did little more than add context to the events that she’d reviewed in the report: the only real lead they had was the filth ridden groundpounder that Gaze’s troopers had dragged out of one of the makeshift cells that the insurgents had made use of.

I'm glad you are unafraid to use colons, but these sentences don't really need them. Each sentence can stand on its own... and you especially don't want to separate more than one consecutive sentence with colons. Also, "filth ridden" should have a hyphen.
Oh, and your third-to-last paragraph is missing its ending period.

Anyway... please, continue.

Comrade Marble

Comrade Marble #2 · Nov 10th, 2021 · · · Dispatch ·

11044375
Thank you so much for the review! I didn't have an editor to run the chapter by so your suggestions are very much appreciated. Thanks for the feedback

PurpleArtist

PurpleArtist #3 · Nov 12th, 2021 · 1 · · The Basement ·

I'm here because I'm a Fallout: Equestria fan but the picture makes me hungry. I hope it's good. I think I should've read the prequel before coming here.

Comrade Marble

Comrade Marble #4 · Nov 12th, 2021 · · · The Basement ·

11047021
It can be read without the prequel. Cloudy Skies introduces a few of the character's featured in this story but I plan for Strawberry Jam to be able to stand on its own.
Thanks for reading!

Sir Mediocre