Twilight is trapped, and Chrysalis is to blame. But where, how, and most importantly... why? Twilight's not even sure she'll survive, and without her friends to help her, she has to face the Queen alone. What will she do? What can she do? Only time will tell.
(Made and uploaded cover art. It's hideous, but it'll do for now.)
(Leave a like, comment and let me know what you like and what you don't, be social and enjoy the story if it's your type of story)
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Chapters could be longer, remove references to the reader ('you'), describe the environment :l
'the bed of hay' out of nowhere :v
1053566
Fixing the "you" issue, good catch. I like short chapters because I prefer to put a lot of feeling into a short chapter than to spread out a bunch of words across a long chapter for the same effect. And the straw/hay bedding is the first and only thing described to be in the room, aside from that it's stone. I could try to make that clearer though!
Thank you very much for your help and input.
Minor structural issues, but I like the way this is going.
1053974
Could you elaborate on that, please?
I want to improve my writing, and I'm not entirely sure what you meant by that. Unless you're talking about my paragraph structure... I've always been bad with paragraphs. I'm going to go study up on paragraphs now!
1053991
Most of your paragraphs are fine. There are a few sentences that don't flow particularly well and could benefit from a little streamlining. This one, for instance: "The pain caused Twilight to whimper softly, and to form tears in her eyes, as she watched Chrysalis, unable to respond." Not that a version by me would necessarily be any better.
1054093
I can't help but giggle. That line has caused me trouble ever since I wrote it. I've changed it eight separate times now and it was only when you pointed it out to me that I realized something. It's actually two sentences I smashed together for no reason!
I'll set about correcting this after I've had some food.
Fair warning there are two other stories called Breaking Twilight.
I'm enjoying it so far...continue
1054499
I couldn't think of a better title, but that's because I'm not good with titles or names. You can probably tell by the chapter titles, really.
If you, or anyone for that matter, has a better title for the story I'm open to suggestions.
1054507 Nether can I...If I can think of anything I will let you know. I'm just giving you a fair warning because I know that some authors get a little pissy when their tittles are used...
Very nice story! And this chapter really improves it further as something "new" is happening.
Paragraphs have improved too (compared to the first three chapters).
Keep on writing, I am eager to learn about the plan ;-)
1080555
Glad to hear it! I'm writing the next chapter right now but it's a tough one so it might take me a while yet.
>>> "Well done... very well done."
"Good... good! Let the hate flow through you!"
Chrysalis is kinda like a mix of Palpatine and Jon Irenicus. Nice.
Oh so very dark... i really like that!
I think this is going to be a mighty fine read.
I think that so far this little read is coming along just fine.
Oh my... This is great, sad but great.
My opinion is that you are an excellent author.
I'm so giddy right now that it's insane!
This chapter rocks!
I'm sorry but I'm to tired to make a legitimate comment at the moment,
.
2259192
Well, it was wonderful reading all the comments up to and including this one. Thank you very much, and if you do rest, I hope you rest well <3
Now I'm getting seriously freaked out... I like it!
After having read this story in its entirety I guess I should leave some kind of criticism.
So... I really like the style of writing and the general idea. I didn't catch any mistakes (though I'm not a native speaker so I wouldn't notice things like awkward phrasing etc.) and the overall plot was pretty well executed, even if the chapters were pretty short.
What I really didn't like was the characterization of Twilight. I mean, yeah, that thing about being great at magic was Twilight all right, the relations and the thinking about friends in the last chapters also fit to her but it didn't really... feel like Twilight. I'm not exactly sure how to say it but I'd have expected her to be a far more analytic, for example. It could be any generic pony, more or less. Of course you couldn't put Dash or Fluttershy or any other of the Mane6 in here because their personalities are far too exactly outlined but again, the Twilight of this story doesn't really share many traits with the original Twilight.
I'm also not completely satisfied with the outcome. Whilst that torture would of course change her similar to how it is displayed here, I don't think that she would actually break and give herself over to Chrysalis. I mean, yeah, that's kinda the point of the whole thing here, but... I don't really know. Maybe it's just because this feels a little incomplete (yes, I read that post about a sequel but I think this story is in grave need of closure in form of another epilogue or chapter) or it again breaks down to the characterization issue.
All in all, it was definitely worth the time though I wouldn't upvote or fave it. Thanks for the read, anyway.
Different is the only word I can think of for this story.
I don't hate it.
I don't love it.
But its different.
I really did enjoy this story. I started reading it be cause I thought it was a different fanfic called MLP: Breaking Twilight. But it isn't. Here's a link to it.
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7810343/2/
with shaelyn's story, Twilight wasn't quite characterized right. She wasn't... I don't know how to say it... Twilight enough?... No, that's not exactly helpful to the author. Sorry I can't say it better.im right this at 7 am after getting 4 hours of sleep. Still good story.
about the other story in the link. VERY Gruesome, but very well written. Highly recommend it. Its about what would have happened if Twilight hadn't gone to Pinkie Pie's surprise party in episode one of season one of My Little Pony. A civil war between Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony, minus Twilight as Nightmare is torturing her.
3554317
Thank you for sharing! I understand that the way I portrayed Twilight doesn't really come off as 'canon', but if I go back to try and fix that now it would be a full re-write of the story. I don't think I'll try to write canon characters again, even though I very much enjoyed it. This isn't saying I won't write the characters into my stories, of course, just that it'll be like this. Slightly different, off, etc.
3572993
I want to say that I do like your story as it is. However, I have thought of some things that you could do better with your next story(s), if you aren't doing it already. First, add more characters, like Twilight's friends. Also, develop each character, especially the main ones, including the villain. I would have liked the story even more if Chrysalis had been developed as a character more. Even if it means you spend a chapter here and there to set up the scene for the next chapter, even if that makes it a little slower. But sometimes a slower build up to the climax is better.
I recommend reading "MLP: Breaking Twilight." here's a link. I recommend you read more for the fact that I think you'd enjoy it, (if you like a very dark and sometimes twisted story with plot twists and some humor and some sad parts), than for gaining any tips on writing. It has quite a few grammatical errors,but overall a great story. I hope you enjoy it if you decide to read it.
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7810343/2/
I don't usually care much for depictions of torment, but this was a rather interesting exploration of things. Well done!
I'm the 100th like !! yay !
For all we know this was a trick set up by Chrysalis, her friends could still be alive.
Meh