Breaking Twilight

by Shaelyn

Epilogue

~Dear Princess Celestia

I've learned a lot of new things while I was gone, more than I can fit into a single letter. The first thing I want to say is that I'm okay and I'm sorry that I haven't written a letter in what I can only assume was a very long time. I hope you can forgive me for being so late, because I want to meet with you in person so that we can talk. I have a lot of questions that need answers, and you might be the only pony capable of answering them. I'll be in Canterlot visiting my sister, Cadence, soon. I think it would be a perfect time to visit the castle afterwards, if you'll grant me an audience.

~Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle

(( http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/58863 ))

Comments

[Thorai]

Oh so very dark... i really like that!

[Shaelyn]

2259192

Well, it was wonderful reading all the comments up to and including this one. Thank you very much, and if you do rest, I hope you rest well <3

[Glumski]

After having read this story in its entirety I guess I should leave some kind of criticism.
So... I really like the style of writing and the general idea. I didn't catch any mistakes (though I'm not a native speaker so I wouldn't notice things like awkward phrasing etc.) and the overall plot was pretty well executed, even if the chapters were pretty short.
What I really didn't like was the characterization of Twilight. I mean, yeah, that thing about being great at magic was Twilight all right, the relations and the thinking about friends in the last chapters also fit to her but it didn't really... feel like Twilight. I'm not exactly sure how to say it but I'd have expected her to be a far more analytic, for example. It could be any generic pony, more or less. Of course you couldn't put Dash or Fluttershy or any other of the Mane6 in here because their personalities are far too exactly outlined but again, the Twilight of this story doesn't really share many traits with the original Twilight.
I'm also not completely satisfied with the outcome. Whilst that torture would of course change her similar to how it is displayed here, I don't think that she would actually break and give herself over to Chrysalis. I mean, yeah, that's kinda the point of the whole thing here, but... I don't really know. Maybe it's just because this feels a little incomplete (yes, I read that post about a sequel but I think this story is in grave need of closure in form of another epilogue or chapter) or it again breaks down to the characterization issue.
All in all, it was definitely worth the time though I wouldn't upvote or fave it. Thanks for the read, anyway.

[TheOneBehindYou]

Different is the only word I can think of for this story.

I don't hate it.

I don't love it.

But its different.

[XenoWolverine]

I really did enjoy this story. I started reading it be cause I thought it was a different fanfic called MLP: Breaking Twilight. But it isn't. Here's a link to it.
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7810343/2/
with shaelyn's story, Twilight wasn't quite characterized right. She wasn't... I don't know how to say it... Twilight enough?... No, that's not exactly helpful to the author. Sorry I can't say it better.im right this at 7 am after getting 4 hours of sleep. Still good story.
about the other story in the link. VERY Gruesome, but very well written. Highly recommend it. Its about what would have happened if Twilight hadn't gone to Pinkie Pie's surprise party in episode one of season one of My Little Pony. A civil war between Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony, minus Twilight as Nightmare is torturing her.

[Shaelyn]

3554317

Thank you for sharing! I understand that the way I portrayed Twilight doesn't really come off as 'canon', but if I go back to try and fix that now it would be a full re-write of the story. I don't think I'll try to write canon characters again, even though I very much enjoyed it. This isn't saying I won't write the characters into my stories, of course, just that it'll be like this. Slightly different, off, etc.

[XenoWolverine]

3572993
I want to say that I do like your story as it is. However, I have thought of some things that you could do better with your next story(s), if you aren't doing it already. First, add more characters, like Twilight's friends. Also, develop each character, especially the main ones, including the villain. I would have liked the story even more if Chrysalis had been developed as a character more. Even if it means you spend a chapter here and there to set up the scene for the next chapter, even if that makes it a little slower. But sometimes a slower build up to the climax is better.
I recommend reading "MLP: Breaking Twilight." here's a link. I recommend you read more for the fact that I think you'd enjoy it, (if you like a very dark and sometimes twisted story with plot twists and some humor and some sad parts), than for gaining any tips on writing. It has quite a few grammatical errors,but overall a great story. I hope you enjoy it if you decide to read it.
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/7810343/2/

[Cross Lament]

I don't usually care much for depictions of torment, but this was a rather interesting exploration of things. Well done!

[Xelarande]

I'm the 100th like !! yay !

[fanreader999999]

Meh