Twilight awoke the next day, unsure of what had happened the day before. Chrysalis.... had been nice? At least she seemed to have been nice. It had to be a trick, Twilight thought, but why? She didn’t have the answer, and it didn’t really matter. At least now she wouldn’t starve, she thought, looking over to the freshly placed tray of food. It seemed Chrysalis was going to make good on her word.
There was so much food that Twilight didn’t even finish it all, instead taking to pacing around the room. She wasn’t sure what to do now. There was so much to think about, and consider. If Changelings needed love like ponies need food, then maybe they weren’t really evil. But that didn’t mean they should be allowed to steal love from the ones she cared about, did it? Twilight sighed and stared at the floor while she paced, thinking things over.
“Hello again, Twilight.”
Twilight looked up just in time to stop herself from running head first into Chrysalis’ chest, "Oh! H-hello..." she said, looking up for a brief moment before lowering her head to stare at Chrysalis' hooves.
"Have you thought about my offer?" Chrysalis said, smiling down at Twilight. She knew Twilight had thought about it quite a bit, and when Twilight nodded she continued to speak, "Well then, tell me what you think."
Twilight opened her mouth to say something, stopped, and then patted her hoof lightly against the ground. Did she really want to help Chrysalis? The Changeling that had ensnared her brother, and nearly enslaved all ponykind? She didn't seem to have changed, and if it meant protecting ponies like her brother and her friends... and Celestia... she would gladly face the wrath of Chrysalis. But what was she protecting them from? What did Chrysalis mean, that she wanted everypony to be happy? "I... I can't help you. I won't do it. Not now and not ever."
Chrysalis looked Twilight up and down with a sigh. "You still don't understand... I really wish you would give up and realize that my way is the better way. My way is the way of both pain and pleasure. Since you won't accept the pleasure I can only assume you want the pain." Chrysalis' horn began to glow brightly, and the glow surrounded Twilight as well. Twilight could feel a strange pressure all throughout her body, and before she could react she was thrown at and pinned to the wall by Chrysalis' magic. She tried to pull free, to use her magic, but neither gave her an inch. She was at the mercy of Chrysalis, just like she had imagined, facing her wrath, but Chrysalis didn't seem angry at all. It almost looked as though she preferred things to be this way, if her smile was anything to go by. "You see, Twilight, I could have had you at any point. We've been alone, and you're without magic or defenses. I could have bespelled you, and used you like a puppet." Chrysalis began, and as she spoke Twilight could feel a physical pressure on her chest as if someone had placed a hoof there. "But I didn't. And do you know why? Of course not, because clearly, you aren't thinking. I didn't use a spell to make you mine, because my magic can't make you love me." The pressure grew until it hurt, and though Twilight couldn't look down she was sure it was going to bruise at this rate. "But that doesn't matter if you refuse to understand me. Don't you see it? I care for you, Twilight, or I wouldn't go to such trouble for you." The pressure doubled, pushing all the air out of Twi's lungs, and making it hard to breathe. "Even now, the pain you feel is nothing, compared to the pain I feel inside, every time you deny me. Would I not make a fitting queen for you? Am I not as regal as your beloved Princess? Or is it that you think I'm ugly, because I look different?" Both questions were accompanied by magical blows to Twilight's sides. The pain caused Twilight to whimper softly, and to form tears in her eyes. She could only watch Chrysalis, unable to respond. "But... maybe this is what you wanted. To share my pain, to have my full attention." Chrysalis began to approach Twilight one step at a time, until they were face to face, and much to Twilight's surprise, Chrysalis leaned forward... and licked her cheek. Confused, Twilight tried to pull away, but she couldn't. "You have my attention now, Twilight, and we will share my pain.. just for you."
The room suddenly went dark, and Twilight fell to the floor with a thump. When the light returned, Chrysalis was gone. The only sign she'd ever been there was the pain in Twilight's chest, which was quickly going numb. She didn't bother gasping for air. The whole ordeal still left her somewhat breathless.
Chapters could be longer, remove references to the reader ('you'), describe the environment :l
'the bed of hay' out of nowhere :v
1053566
Fixing the "you" issue, good catch. I like short chapters because I prefer to put a lot of feeling into a short chapter than to spread out a bunch of words across a long chapter for the same effect. And the straw/hay bedding is the first and only thing described to be in the room, aside from that it's stone. I could try to make that clearer though!
Thank you very much for your help and input.
Minor structural issues, but I like the way this is going.
1053974
Could you elaborate on that, please?
I want to improve my writing, and I'm not entirely sure what you meant by that. Unless you're talking about my paragraph structure... I've always been bad with paragraphs. I'm going to go study up on paragraphs now!
1053991
Most of your paragraphs are fine. There are a few sentences that don't flow particularly well and could benefit from a little streamlining. This one, for instance: "The pain caused Twilight to whimper softly, and to form tears in her eyes, as she watched Chrysalis, unable to respond." Not that a version by me would necessarily be any better.
1054093
I can't help but giggle. That line has caused me trouble ever since I wrote it. I've changed it eight separate times now and it was only when you pointed it out to me that I realized something. It's actually two sentences I smashed together for no reason!
I'll set about correcting this after I've had some food.
Fair warning there are two other stories called Breaking Twilight.
I'm enjoying it so far...continue
1054499
I couldn't think of a better title, but that's because I'm not good with titles or names. You can probably tell by the chapter titles, really.
If you, or anyone for that matter, has a better title for the story I'm open to suggestions.
1054507 Nether can I...If I can think of anything I will let you know. I'm just giving you a fair warning because I know that some authors get a little pissy when their tittles are used...
I'm sorry but I'm to tired to make a legitimate comment at the moment, .