Dominans Pulchrae
Joined 3rd Oct, 2018 ·
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That rainbow thot deserved it.
Garble however did not deserve that rainbow thot.
Still hot though.
You know what would be amazing? A sequel where she picked a fight with Fizzle, who's gay ass gets confused when she loses on purpose and then insists that he rape her. He has no interest in pussy so she ends up pinning him down and forcing him to use her. A confusing and potentially hilarious time could be had by all.
Alternately, he agrees to fuck her but only if a guy is fucking him at the same time. So she goes and finds Garble, drags him in, and insists that he bone Fizzle so Fizzle will bone her.
Wow didn’t know Garble could destroy a large city in a second.
foot
Hmm not that good sincerely... The cliche of "She gets raped and then enjoys it" is old, ugly and incredibly demeaning...
9488873
Oh Headless, you are just the gem of Fimfiction.
This should get a sequel where Dash actually wins
9488901
Thank you... I wrote it in like fifteen minutes... so I'm bound to have missed something.
9488906
Well, It's not really written for people who wont like it... nothing much is.
and yeah, it took just a few minutes to write, not a masterpiece, and actually someone requested this, two people really. The second one is a girl I know who loves that shit. So take it up with her ^_^
9488882
Did I write something odd to make you say that?
Since my story was basically about a cuckold getting revenge on his disloyal wife, I can See the potential in this fic. Like making code for indie, could be far worse than what people can imagine. Job well done. Keep breaking the established norms.
Decent, but the detail level seems off (I had a lot of trouble figuring out Rainbow's positioning while he was probing her with his tongue) and it has a lot of little technical problems that halt reading.
Here's the biggest problem I think (mostly due to the end, although bad punctuation played a role):
I think it should've been something like:
I think you meant "despite" instead of "besides":
You're missing a lot of punctuation, mostly commas and semicolons. This is one of the most awkward to read as it has no pause without the comma (after tatters):
Some typos (and on rather key moments!):
Finally, at the end, shouldn't she at least be slowly dribbling out cum from her rear, even if not outright "cumfarting" from the pounding? Common with stories with anal creampies, but I must say in this case it felt like the fic ended rather suddenly with not enough detail of the ruined state Rainbow was left in.
9489366
Thank you.. I'll have to dig in and do these repairs. If you like, I can link you as editor lol.
9489500
Only an 'editor' if I actually go comprehensively, and there's plenty more (smaller) errors than just those. I would be fine doing that, as it's something I feel helps my own writing talent and I like to help people in general.
Just providing feedback on overall problems to advise a rewrite is different...I'd be a 'proofreader', were it not after the story's release.
9489507
I'm in bed just about half asleep. I'll take another look a bit later.
Pretty good! Ignore the haters~
9489678
^_^ I usually do.
I feel conflicted here...
9490263
That's ok... the story is a bit iffy.
It was a request and it's for people who are into the darker sort of rape fantasy.
Just remember, it's fiction, fiction is fiction, not real, all fake.
I highly doubt anyone here or even anyone who upvoted would actually cheer at real rape, or even be actually tempted to rape someone even under these situations.
I always enjoy when Dash gets "tamed", hope to see more!
9490745
Well, it’s not the rape I’m not a fan of, I actually used to like rapefics. I’m just not a fan of Dash x Garble fics, or even soarindash fics... However, I will say, I do like seeing Dash get dominated. I do understand that this was a request, so...
9491364
My words exactly.
9491641
Well, the garble part... I can change. I seriously don't know anything about him other than he's an asshole dragon. That's it. That's all I know about him. I only kinda breezed around his episode and I don't even know if he's in any other episode. I learned more about him watching DWK than the mlp episode I kinda breezed through. I could honestly just drop his name from the story completely.
The request was specifically for a smaller dragon "LIKE" Garble, as I'm pretty sure the old dragon lord or any other large dragon would tear Dash in half with their giant cock.
9491669
Yeah, I’ve only really seen one episode that included him, and I haven’t seen a whole lot from the older seasons. I’ve only really was caught up from S5 to now.
But anyway, I didn’t exactly ask for you to change anything, I was just expressing my thoughts and such...
9491672
yeah... but a lot of people seem to have a negative opinion of him in the story.
9491892
Hm.. I guess you can change it. I mean, If people are acting negative, and you’re thinking of changing it--I guess you can...
It's funny how a single line right at the end can change this story from something I'd leave as uninteresting to something I'll give +1 to.
Looks like rape, but it's not.
Nice story. From your forum thread it seemed like you wanted some feedback, so here ya go:
Your portrayal of Garble could use some work. There were a few okay lines, but he's usually sneering about how lame ponies are. I would've included a back and forth where Garble accuses Dash of thinking she's better than other ponies, but she's just as weak and pathetic as all the rest. He could expose how much she enjoys this by teasing her and not giving her more until she admits it, which could be both humiliating and satisfying all at the same time.
I don't know where this story is happening. There's some vague references to the mountains, and how there may be other dragons nearby, so I guess it's somewhere in the Dragon Lands, but I need a little more. Is this taking place near a volcano, atop a wind swept mountain cliff, a hill strewn with boulders, or what? The line about how if Dash ran she would get to Sweet Apple Acres before he caught up made me think it was near Ponyville at first.
If you wanted to add to Dash's inner turmoil, you could have mentioned, perhaps during the fight scene, how Dash always thought dragons were cool and fierce and how going up against them always got her blood pumping. Maybe highlight the adrenaline seeking aspect of her personality.
For your prose, I would advise minimizing filter words. You use “felt” a lot, but in most cases it can be removed, which cleans up the sentence and gives more immediacy to each action. Some examples with my alteration:
A powerful sense of defilement flooded her as an unnatural amount of thick and hot fluid pulsed down her throat and right into her stomach.
Garble gripped her tail tighter and tugged her back. His hips tensed and, as if in slow motion, he thrust deep inside. The thin fleshy material stretched, and her own embarrassing moan pitched into a squeal. A wet juicy pop rang out as his thick member robbed her of what little she had left.
His claws scooped her up by the thighs, his cum dribbling out as he lifted her, and she let out a whimper as his still powerfully erect cock prodded her ass.
(You don’t always have to avoid “felt,” but definitely be on the look out during revisions. Instead of using it to describe physical sensations, try to mostly use it when describing a state of being, e.g. “She never felt so alive” or “She felt like a million bucks.” It’s fine during dialogue, too.)
You used “iron” 3x near the start, and “happily” a bunch near the end. Maybe instead of “and happily strutted off,” make it “and strut off with his head held high.”
Ouch! That hurts like fucking hell. You don't have to take this out, maybe it's part of the fantasy (although Dash didn't have much of a reaction), but if you want to soften the impact, I would write something like “he buried into her deepest confines.”
Cliche joke. Even if ponies have skittles, the dragons might not know about it. Even just “candy” might be better. Or maybe “So ponies are as sweet as they say,” referring to rumors he had heard from other dragons (maybe an opportunity where he could talk about how he thought they were weird for being attracted to ponies, but he's starting to come around).
The hymen thing is one of those porn tropes that doesn't make much sense but people still like to use it, and maybe it was part of the request, so I won't give you too much grief, but still. You're telling me Dash's numerous crashes and crazy stunts never broke it? She never used a dildo or put anything else in there?
Head to hoof
Well, they are toes, so it's not exactly wrong, but I like ponifying when possible.
9491669
Garble seems like a fitting choice, given he's basically the only dragon to have a speaking role and who's a big enough jerk to do this when challenged.
That said, I've seen every episode to date and even I don't remember Grable ever doing that much. IIRC the only episodes he's been a part of were Spike episodes, the one where Spike goes to "find himself"--Grable was a generic jerkass bully type who looked down on ponies and made fun of him for being brought up soft--and the Dragon Lord episode where Grable was a generic jerkass bully type, if he was even in that episode.
9494127
That filter words article is a gem. I never would've thought there was a name for those words I always look at funny and thing "that doesn't sound right".