• Member Since 12th Jun, 2017
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Toon4Thought


I'm a guy who's new to fanfic writing and intends to write about ideas I am really interested in. Yeah, that's about it.

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Christmas is quickly approaching in Canterlot City, and the girls are all excited for their holiday plans. However, they begin to notice that Sunset isn't so enthused, and quickly figure out it's because of how lonely she's always been during the winter holidays. Thus, the girls decide to throw her a special Hearth's Warming-themed party, with the help of Princess Twilight Sparkle. Will they succeed in getting Sunset into the holiday spirit?

Now has a group reading headed by Ice Gaze:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 23 )

I've felt for a long time that EqG is long overdue for a Christmas/winter holiday story of its own that took full advantage of the setting and occasion, so this is my idea of what one could be like.

while there hasn't been an animated one there was an EQG holiday special comic back in 2014. I think you might have heard of it.

Set

A part of the reality of the EqG world that I never took into consideration but makes complete sense.
Hope the next chapter comes out!

9367349
I have heard and read it long ago, but the problem is that - beyond being pretty infamous - it basically forgets about the holidays about a third of the way through, and thus doesn't take full advantage of it.

In fact, the very basic setup - Sunset being lonely due to her past - is somewhat borrowed from that. That's really all the two stories will have in common though.

This sounds pretty good. I can't wait to see how this turns out.

were a group of seven Seniors that particularly stood out

Senior shouldn't be capitalized.

was the lack of a 7th voice.

You should spell out seventh.

“I appreciate the gesture, Applejack, but…”. She quickly whipper

First, *whipped
Second, what in the world is that period?

Is-is there anything I and the others can do to help?

"I" and "me" go second in cases like this. So in this case, it should be "the others and I." That said, "we" is probably your best bet.

Your dialogue punctuation throughout is pretty bad, which is weird because it was fine in your first story. This guy put it pretty well:

This is a recurring issue with your writing. If a speech tag follows after the dialogue, there should be no capitalization. If an action tag follows, capitalization is required. Here’s a very useful list of examples:

Attribution of Dialogue (Dialogue Tagging)

Wrong:
✖ "Hi there," the pink pony grinned. (It should be a period: ‘grinned’ isn’t a ‘speaking’ verb.)
✖ "Hi there." The pink pony said. (This should be a comma; no capitalization should be used)
✖ "Hi there"! the pink pony shouted! (Punctuation of dialogue belongs inside the quotes.)
✖ "Hi there!" The pink pony shouted! (Don’t capitalize "the"; treat the "!" as a comma.)

Correct:
✔ "Hi there," the pink pony giggled. (She giggled while saying the words.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony giggled. (She said those words, then giggled.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony grinned. (The word 'grinned' isn't a 'speaking' verb.)
✔ "Hi there!" the pink pony shouted. (Exclamations and queries replace the comma.)

On top of that, the word "said" is your friend. I know it's boring and not interesting, but when every character "analyzes" or "exclaims" or what have you, it actually takes away from the dialogue. They often repeat what was inferred from the dialogue and should be used a bit more sparingly. Using a boring word like "said" puts the focus on the dialogue instead of the tag.

I like what you've set up here, and I'll look forward to the second chapter in the hopes that you're able to clean up these basic mistakes moving forward. And from your first story, I know that you can do that.

9368044
The dialogue punctuation issues stem from two factors: A) I'm a little out of practice, and B) I'm not using an editor this time like I did with the other story. I fixed the errors in chapter 1 as best as I could, and formatted said punctuation and wordage in chapter 2 accordingly.

Thanks for your feedback, and I'm glad this story peaked your interest.

9369242
This was definitely a step in the right direction. I also quickly checked chapter 1, and a number of the issues were indeed fixed. However, it's still pretty clear you're not using an editor. Even though these are short chapters, extra pairs of eyes are better able to catch mistakes.

But the improvement did make it easier to enjoy the story.

Comment posted by TheShadowKnight deleted Jan 9th, 2019

Well, this was a better story than the official holiday story we got. Then again, that's not a difficult achievement.

9393284
I still think it's a real shame that we have yet to actually get a proper holiday story in the official animations. You'd think Hasbro would be completely on board with the idea, since you would already have minis of the Humane 6 in snow clothes by default. That feeling is basically what inspired me to make one up of my own.

9393307
I'd welcome something like that too, but it'd open I don't know how many cans of worms. They're human, so we'd hear complaints if they all celebrated Christmas (or the other holidays), and if they celebrated some fictional holiday or Hearth's Warming, we'd get just as many. Better for them to avoid that fight.

“She always leaves it by her loose window, and I somehow knew we’d need it around now.”

So, she just snagged it while nobody was looking? That makes more sense than it actually should. :applejackunsure:

I really loved Pinkie on this chapter. She was wonderfully brilliant.

I'm two months late, but man, I just love Christmas.

An EQG Christmas story that doesn't involve Anon A Miss ruining everything :pinkiegasp: omg you're right these are rare (at least when it's involving the main 6 and sunset)

Wait is the name like a pun?
Like Sunset Shimmer and The Shimmering Christmas

You hear about ice gaze doing this?

I'd know what it would feel like if I were in her situation

It was really good, thx for the great story

10589090
She did?

Dang, that's when you really know you've made it.

10595574
*rolls eyes* ah well, she dosn’t do that many dramtic readings, so I’m not surprised she didn’t think to tell you , anyways;

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