Just One Day

by Moonshine34

Chapter Thirteen - You Know You Love Me

“So, um, are you sure this thing is safe to travel in?”Flash asked eyeing the lilac hot air balloon with large degree of uncertainty.

“Oh come on, quite being such a worry wart. That’s my job, you know,”Twilight teased,”Besides, this ‘thing’ has served me well over the years. It’s taken me and the girls to Cloudsdale, the Smokey Mountains and even Yakyakistan on several occasions.”

“Yeah, but it’s never made a two day journey to Abaco Island before,”the orange pegasus countered. With a sigh Twilight levitated Flash into the air before dumping him into the pink basket.

“I assure you sweetheart, it will be fine,”the alicorn smiled before turning to her friends and family,”Bye, everypony, thank you so much for coming today.”

It had taken the whole afternoon to get her friends, Spike, Flash and Soarin to calm down enough to listen to her and Rainbow but eventually they managed to convince them to accept it as just another one of Discord’s ‘hilarious’ pranks. Pinkie Pie had then dropped the baby bombshell and announced that the doozy was that she was pregnant, much to Twilight’s surprise. Though as Pinkie said, a doozy was always the most unexpected thing. The perpetually positive pink pony was the first to tackle the princess in a suffocating hug.

“Don’t forget me, Twilight,”she bawled, tears streaming down her face.

“I won’t Pinkie,”the lavender alicorn mumbled, patting her back. It would be pointless to tell the party pony she would be back within a fortnight as she already knew that.

Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Spike, Starlight, Sunset, Shining Armour, Starswirl, her parents, students and princesses all took turns in hugging and congratulating her. Then, finally, Rainbow Dash flew up to Twilight and embraced her tightly. The past couple of days had brought them closer than ever.

“Thanks, Rainbow,”the alicorn whispered,”For everything.”

“It’s fine. Just, make sure you go enjoy yourself, you hear?”the cyan pegasus said roughly, brushing what was totally NOT a tear from the corner of her eye before hurriedly letting go of her friend.

Grinning, Twilight trotted up the platform and into the hot air balloon basket, using her magic to untie to ropes that were keeping it down and levitating them into the basket. Flash disentangling himself from his parents, sister and a bunch of the Crystal Empire royal guards. As they began to rise into the air the couple waved down and their friends, family and other wedding guests. The princess suddenly realised she was still holding her bride’s bouquet so chucked into down into the crowd of creatures. After an almighty scramble for it Yona the yak ended up with the rather mangled bunch of flowers, which she immediately began to destroy by jumping upon them, much to Rarity’s horror.

“Wow, this is one heck of a send off,”Flash commented.

“It certainly is,”Twilight beamed, nuzzling her husband affectionately.

A mini explosion on the ground sent creatures careening in every direction as a certain draconequus made an appearance at long last.

“Bye, Twilight and Twilight’s boy toy! I’ll miss you so very much!”Discord called, descending into a fit of fake hysteria, blowing his nose on an enormous purple and yellow handkerchief and sending bits of hard boiled candy flying everywhere in the process. However, when the Lord of Chaos looked up he was met with set of large, disapproving, teal coloured eyes.

“You, mister, have a LOT of explaining to do,”Fluttershy said sternly.

“Oh come now, my dear,”the draconequus smirked,”You know you love me really.”

THEEND

Comments

[KingJoltik]

There's FlashLight in this. That alone deserves an upvote from me.

[Lord Seth]

On the whole the story was fairly enjoyable from a plot perspective. There were some things I thought could have been improved (I'm not sure what I think of the reveal about Discord, and I would've liked to see more focus on Rainbow Dash and Soarin's relationship), but aside from those and other relatively minor issues it was fine.

However, while the plot was decent, the story suffers from some recurring writing problems that were very distracting. The biggest was the formatting of the dialogue, which isn't done correctly, with the biggest and most recurring problem being the constant lack of spacing after quotation marks where there should have been some. For example, in the opening line:

“SPPPPPIIIIIKKKKEEE!”Twilight bellowed using her ear-shattering Royal Canterlot Voice, rendering everypony within five hundred metres of her temporarily deaf.

There should be a space between the second quotation mark and Twilight, so it would be:

“SPPPPPIIIIIKKKKEEE!” Twilight bellowed using her ear-shattering Royal Canterlot Voice, rendering everypony within five hundred metres of her temporarily deaf.

In dialogue, there's no space after the first quotation mark, but there should be after the second.

On the general subject of dialogue formatting, there's a good resource on dialogue formatting right here. Just read through that and you'll avoid almost all of the dialogue formatting errors.

Something else that was occasionally distracting was what some term "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" which is when there's an excessive referring to characters by their characteristics in the narration, e.g. referring to Twilight as "the lavender unicorn" rather than Twilight. Obviously, there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that occasionally, but this story at times engaged in it so frequently it was distracting--the ending of Chapter 5 was particularly egregious in this regard.

One final note on the writing front: While only occurring a few times, one error I noticed was the writing of phrases such as "should of" or "must of." That's incorrect. They should be written as should've and must've (the same is also true for would've and could've).

It's possible this is your first attempt at fan fiction in which case these kinds of errors are understandable, but future stories would be improved by fixing these issues.

[Moonshine34]

9275194
Thank you for the constructive criticism, it was much needed and appreciated. I will go through the story ASAP and try to fix the grammatical errors.

[Scholarly-Cimmerian]

Okay, so all in all this was a pretty good read. I had problems with Discord blackmailing Twilight in such a way, but I'm glad that we ended it on him clearly in hot water with Fluttershy, so that evens out.

All together, I did have fun with the concept. It was fun to see the way that Twilight and Dash dealt with some of the stuff in each other's lives. In some ways I wish we could have seen more of the life-switch mayhem (I could readily imagine a joke with "Dash" enthusiastically tackling paperwork at Wonderbolt HQ, much to the shock of Spitfire and the others XD) but I think you were pretty smart not to drag this out too much.

[CartoonNerd12]

While I do I think there were some flaws in the portraying of characters, it's still a good read and that it has my favorite ships in here so that's a plus for me.

[Yoshifan30]

Well this was a pretty nice Freaky Friday story and I have to admit I'm a sucker for Twilight and Flash Sentry shipping here and even Rainbow dash and soarin as well and yeah Discord really had to explain a lot this was a pretty good story keep up the good work