• Member Since 24th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 9 minutes ago

shirotora


I'm just a simple, southern man that loves ponies, Star Wars, ridiculousness, and adorable things. I'm also an ex-Navy nuclear machinists mate, and life long martial artist.

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This story was commissioned by viken666. Gina, Fire Wing, Burning Trail, and Shadow Veil are all his OCs.

Gina was a beautiful, young griffiness known for her shy demeanour. Few ponies knew much beyond this short of her best friend, the princesses, and the Royal Guard unit that freed her.

Born into a life of slavery, Gina grew up as the personal pet of her master. Now, an adult, she tries not to remember her harrowing childhood, even claiming to others that she doesn’t remember.

However, Fire Wing, her best and only friend, and son of the solder that found her, could see through that. He heard the pained, frightful moanings of her nightmares. It tore him up inside to see her suffering and so, after much effort on his part, he finally convinced her to speak to a therapist about her awful youth.

If you like this, please concider buying me a shot https://www.patreon.com/Shirotora

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 8 )

I really loved this. It was dark, but you made it heartwarming and sincere and in my opinion the tone fit the story very well. I also have to commend you on how you wrote Gina and the doctor, they both seem (to me at least) to be acting as a person in their positions would. Overall I thought it was very well written, but perhaps a tad short? I understand that this was a commission but to me it feels like this would only be the opening chapter of a much longer story. Regardless, this is definetely one of my favorite fics, so good job!

It was a good read. I could still notice you had some trouble getting into character here and there. Overall a relatively well written story. I wouldn't mind to read another one!

I have to agree with WeightyUncle here.
This looks like a solid premise, perfect first chapter for a longer story. There are many plotlines that could be expanded upon:

  • Socializing after this unwanted past - I believe the question here is "How?" This is always an interesting concept to read.
  • Learning to read - again, the question is not "if", but "how". I get that probably by the time she's speaking with the doctor she already knows how to read solidly. But still, how did she get there?
  • Overcoming the Stockholm Syndrome - The doctor offered a few solutions, but still there are many ways how this could turn out.
  • “I wasn’t like the others. I couldn’t work, because my eye.” Gina pointed to her left eye, gray and clouded. “I’m not sure how I got it, but I think I was born with it.

    This is another thing that could be mentioned and explored later in the story.

The doctor nodded, “Of course. It would be my pleasure. Perhaps we can talk about how you adjusted to life in Equestria?”

“I would like that,” Gina said.

Oh, come on! This itself screams "NEXT CHAPTER".

I understand, though. Writing this plot which the author has no experience in real life is very difficult and abstract. I'm just saying there's a potential for more. Plus the fact that this is a commision. Still, this was very enjoyable to read - a cool concept well written. Gina's confusions are one of the sweetest things I've read in a while. (and tragic too, of course)

To end this comment with a nitpick:

“Griffins aren’t pets, they’re people, just like ponies.”

I get the point, but it sounds extremely clumsy.

9043275
I would, honestly, very much like to continue with this. One of the reasons I put that little tidbit about her next session was so that, if the muse strikes and the commissioner is okay with it, I can. For now, though, I have other stories I'd like to work on.

Thanks for the feedback. I always appreciate my readers' input :twilightsmile:

9041735
Any examples in particular, or just an overall feeling?

9043287
It's more of a feeling. To me the primary question would be: Where doe Gina originate from in the first place? How did she learn to speak and understand the language? Was she in the position of a pet all the time, because from how she's treated in that place it sure doesn't seem they would teach her how to talk. If she can't communicate then it would be very hard to clearly describe her thought processes since she doesn't understand her surroundings the way we expect her to. She can only make assumptions based on raw sensory input.

Anyway I'm just rambling. I think you took a really hard subject to nail and your execution was really good once you make the assumption Gina didn't grow up as a pet. I'm interested to see where you take the story. If you're going to continue it, that is.

9044929
She said in the story she had been his pet all her life. As for learning to speak, it's inevitable. If someone lives around speaking people they will learn how. You can't prevent them from learning it, only from actually using it. She's just not allowed to use that skill which is why she spoke in short, broken, stammering sentences.

I might do something else with it, but not right now. I have a lot of other stories I'd like to write, and one that I still need to finish. We'll have to wait and see.

Thanks for the input. I always welcome it, especially if it's something that can help me improve my writing.

I absolutely LOVE this story! I would kill for a sequel!

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