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every single comment on this story has been deleted. that certainly bodes well.
Oh boy, look at those deleted comments.
Don’t delete this comment.
#RefundForSharptooth
this is pretty funny
tempted to archive this before the author inevitably deletes it, and my comment
what's the point of a comment section if you delete the comments
9010177
9010080
9010077
Why has the rum gone! And as for rum I mean comments, and as for comments I mean this is a sad attempt at a joke about rum.
Wait I'm confused, is this on the equestria girl universe? Or is in the regular Equestria antro with one human?
This story is just terrible
Two words in, already down voted.
There's a ton of mistakes you made in this story that makes it unreadable. Words are missing, there's a run on sentence in there, I was confused on who was talking at certain points in the story, and if you're going to make the dialog bad at least make it fun to read. This felt rushed honestly and it's obviously not finished.
AHHHHHHHH
GOD HAS FAILED US
9010077
i guess this makes me first, by disqualification
In the midst of this comment graveyard I'm going to try and help by telling you some of the main places where you went wrong here, as briefly as I can.
Unlikable Protagonist - No one likes bad boys. Literally look at any piece of pop-culture involving jocks and you'll see that their character develops by steering away from the toxic masculinity tropes. Your anon has more edges than a crystal geode. Considering Anon is designed to be a John Everyman, it’s critical that the reader feels at home in Anon’s shoes. If you want to characterise him more, you’re better off using an OC.
Narrative draws attention to the meta - Avoid using words like 'anthro', 'plot', and other such terminology. We use these phrases when discussing, but don't use them in narrative because it breaks the reader’s immersion and draws attention to the 4th wall.
Too many IRL references - Referring to things by name (talking about GTA, Monster energy drink, etc) has the same effect as meta-talk, and also pulls attention off of the actual story. We don't need to know what games they're playing, or what brand energy drinks they have, it's distracting. This kind of thing only works if it’s the driving force of the story. For example in Hi Fidelity there are constant references by name to music singers and bands, because the film is about expressing oneself through music. Conversely, Fight Club constantly talks about chain coffee shops and material goods, but never/rarely by name because the name of the brands / products isn’t relevant.
Grammer/Punctuation/Paragraphing/Spelling - It's easy to find some grammar and readability issues in any story, but there's just too many here. There are errors like "musclcer" which shows that the story hasn’t gone through a basic spell-checker. First rule of Direct Speech is New Speaker New Paragraph. Direct speech needs a punctuation before closing the quote marks. Look up guides on Speech Grammar so you can see how to properly layout the dialogue.
Horrendous lack of realism - I know we're in a porno here and you have to have a willing sense of disbelief, but you need to try and toe the line. Pinkie is a fairly chaotic character, but Rarity (even if we pretend she's horny) is still a classy lady, she's not going to make her first time a crazy spur-of-the-moment fling in the kitchen. Additionally, popping the cherry (and hitting the cervix) hurts - even if we pretend that Rarity likes it rough, she's going to show signs of distress at this. It’s dangerous to use kinks without knowing much about them, as you can easily draw attention to inexperience. Even in fetishy porn you have to keep it plausible, or have plot devices in place to make what you're trying to do plausible.
Zero pay-off ending - After all of this, there wasn't even a climax scene, just a weird paragraph about buckets that I read several times with no comprehension of what it meant. Reader is left thinking: "What happened? Did anon blow his load in Rarity or what?"
People can overlook amateurish writing and a weak story, but you need to get the basics like these points covered if you want to stand a chance - because it shows that you’re making an effort to learn the craft. There’s theory to writing prose, and learning it will improve your writing significantly.
9010764
Which he does by deleting any non-flattering criticism.
...rrriiiiiight.
No comment, just adding my vote multiplied by imaginary unit in any even power that isn't equal to a power of two.
9010764
Was going to post something constructive, only to see that you'd gone and done it better than I would've. Well done you!
Not so well done, author. Everything Withania said, x2.
9010806 His tag is: "Welcome and to all the haters keep your comments to yourself and don't make reasons to hate the fandom." Wellp, that explains a whole bunch. That's a perfect attitude for learning and improving. Seems like some ultra-liberal needs their safe-space again.
Don't worry, I'll show myself out.
9011295 I can’t speak on his political affiliation, but in his original author’s note on this story, he said he was going to college to become a police officer (he also misspelled college, which one of my deleted comments referencing a Fairly Odd-Parents episode pointed out).
Hopefully not in my town.
9011371
He won't make it. If comments on a talking pony fiction site get to him this easily, there's no way he has what it takes to get through the academy, let alone the beat.
9011295
please don't associate liberals with this "author". whatever your opinion on them, they at least deserve some measure of humane treatment.
9011953 Point taken. I was gonna compare him to a chimpanzee with a keyboard, but I'm not into animal cruelty either...
To be clear, Otaku-Anon, most or all of these comments have nothing to do with hating your topic of choice or you. We're not "haters".
Your writing is simply technically deficient to the point of being unreadable. There's been some good constructive criticism in this comment thread - it'd definitely be worth taking Withania's advice. The bare minimum that you ought to do before posting something is to run it through a spellchecker, but coming from this kind of deficit, you need alpha and beta readers before your work goes live.