A new earth pony family moves into Ponyville and their son attends Cheerilee's class, the Cutie Mark Crusaders look to befriend him, but while Apple Bloom and Scootaloo become friends with him, Sweetie Belle does not, the other two work together to find out why he does not want to befriend Sweetie Belle.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Decent story, writing style needs work to find its voice. You've written it with very little in the way of proper imagery. It's all "and then this..." "he got..." "then this happened..." "then that happened...." This is how you write a checklist, not fiction.
This is a very interesting concept, however the execution is a bit lacking. Perhaps acquiring an editor would be beneficial?
Not a bad story but the ending seems writed in hurry... I could think Rocky getting friendly with bullies and purists or running away
The concept is interesting. Mostly, you hear about 'unicorn superiority' and how they're better than everyone, but now we have a story about how earth ponies and pegasi are the best and unicorns are just weak. Nice concept. The writing was a little clunky, but so is mine, so I can't down rate it for that. Upvote for the concept. I'd like to know more about Rocky. Does he like rocks? If so, maybe introduce him to Maud.
I haven't read the story, just the description and the first paragraph. The main reason for that is because you have a serious problem with run-on sentences.
I would, however, like to read it. I'm just going to give it some time and see if you edit the story a bit. I will probably comment again after I do.
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I'll think about it, and if you want to, you can write your own or expand on what I already created, make sure you send it to me, I'll be looking forward to reading it when I have the time.
8823523
I'll see what I can do with the run-on sentences, I've been making my stories like that since 2014, so it might be a bit hard for me to fix.
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I do have an almost finished story where the main character is a pegasus (not an OC either, a character from the show with little backstory) and believes heavily in pegasus superiority, hating unicorns and earth ponies. I have noticed that the concept of racism from other pony races besides unicorns is rarely touched upon in fanfiction. I'm hoping to remedy that, and your story has started to help, too. Other ponies can easily see unicorns as 'weak', snobby, overly reliant on magic, unable to do practical things, etc.
Hhhhhhmmmm I decited to go quickly over the story because I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it and if it interessted me.
Well 1. I have to say that it was somehow annoying how much they wanted to change him and everything. I mean everything is more or less fine till he actually hurts someone or really bullies them.
In one sentence it suggested that he actually really bullied Sweetie and concentrated on her otherwise it seems like the main patrol didn't needed to gang up on him.
I need to read the whole part, but it already looks kind of annoying that they want to force him to change.
8823523
I just tried to fix the run-on sentences, let me know if it's still a problem.
Eh, the ending felt rushed, also if they were bullied, they wouldn't be shocked, then be more like 'Then why are you acting like the jerks who did the same to you.' and then tell him they were picked on as well.