• Published 10th Dec 2017
  • 763 Views, 17 Comments

Inner Struggle - Game-BeatX14



Pinkie Pie is battling with depression and self-doubt, despite being outgoing and energetic in public. A simple photo and phone call from a friend changes her outlook, providing the motivation she needs to keep going.

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Finding Purpose

Inner Struggle
By Game-BeatX14

Pinkie Pie woke up with a slight headache. It felt like a hangover, even though she hadn’t drunk any alcohol recently. Her body was nearly frozen from exhaustion, and it took all of her energy just to lift her hooves and sit up straight. It was going to be one of those mornings… Depression had a weird way of drowning her before the day could even begin. Instead of optimism, her mind was full of paralyzing self-doubt.

“Mnngg; why do I even need to get up? I should just stay in bed. Not like my friends would care. All I do is annoy them anyway…”

Deep down, Pinkie could never get past the nagging feeling that she was a burden to her friends sometimes. It seemed pretty obvious that Twilight and the others only tolerated her parties and antics out of obligation. She stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering if they would be better off without her. What was her purpose, anyway? To bring a smile to their faces? No… They could find ways to be happy without her. All she did was distract them and get in the way.

Pinkie sighed, and closed her eyes. She hadn’t gotten enough sleep, and her mind was feeling the effects. Everything in life seemed foggy and distant, as she tossed and turned in bed. Outside, the sounds of birds chirping loudly filled the air. Normally she would enjoy hearing the sounds of nature, but right now silence was preferable.

”Oh gosh, please stop… Just let me sleep.”

Pinkie stuffed her head under her pillow to try drowning out the chirps, but it didn’t help much. Groaning in frustration, she rolled over sideways.

”What time is it anyway?”

She checked the clock, and it was 8:00 A.M; A perfectly reasonable time to get out of bed and start the day. The only problem was, she didn’t have any motivation at all. The recent months had not been going well. Every activity she typically enjoyed was becoming repetitive, and nothing felt fun or exciting anymore. Even throwing parties felt more like a chore than doing housework did. She rolled over, put her face in her pillow and grunted in frustration.

“Maybe I should just stop throwing parties altogether... They just don’t feel special anymore.”

Pinkie just lied in place, not moving physically but her brain was spinning in every direction. She wondered if anypony realized just how much energy it took be her usual outgoing and energetic self. Even though she was full of optimism during the day, it was mentally exhausting after a while. Suppressing her emotions was taking its toll. She didn’t feel quite right… Like something was bothering her, but she struggled to understand what it was.

The birds stopped chirping, and the room was silent. Suddenly, a wave of sadness washed over her. Pinkie felt uneasy... It was so unexpected, but there was nothing she could do to prevent it. She climbed back under her blankets, turned to face the wall, and just stared into the corner blankly. It was her favorite corner. Dark, empty and away from everything and everpony. As long as she looked at the bare walls, the world seemed to pause. No sound, no movement. Nothing bad could happen. It was quiet, and peaceful. She closed her eyes and the stress of life seemed to evaporate. Still, hiding behind the blackness of her eyelids couldn’t stop Celestia’s sun from shining through the window next to her bed. The rays of warmth soothed her tense body, but she didn’t want that right now. Pinkie reached up and turned the blinds closed, leaving the room very dingy.

”Leave me alone, Celestia… I just want it to be dark.” She croaked.

Pinkie looked around her bedroom. It was a relatively average living space which contained a TV, dresser, nightstand, desk, bed, and numerous decorations. The most interesting things to look at were a few large posters on the far wall. One was for a Wonderbolts aerial stunt show, and one was for Coloratura’s pop music concert. Both events were from years ago, but it felt like they were from a different lifetime. Back when she was energetic, and looked forward to things. She studied the posters for a minute but quickly got bored. They had been hanging in her room for ages, and she was all too familiar with every piece of text written on them.

Trying to distract herself from all the toxic thoughts, she grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. To her dismay, there was nothing on except commercials and re-runs of old cartoons. Within a minute, the pointless drabble and stale programming irked her, so she turned it off without a second thought.

*Sigh*

Pinkie finally climbed out of bed, still not knowing what to do next. Her clouded mind kept dragging her down, making it impossible to feel good about today. She paced in circles, trying to understand her feelings but ultimately getting nowhere. How could she feel happy, when she didn’t even know what was making her sad? Succumbing to her anxiety, Pinkie lied down on the carpet and started to cry. The sudden outburst of emotion scared her. There was no reason for it, and yet here she was, sobbing on the floor. The only calming thought was that nopony could see, or hear her.

And that was good. She really didn’t want them to.

Pinkie shakily got up, standing on all four hooves and began looking around, desperately trying to find something, anything to take her mind off the stifling and unexplainable sadness. Her bedroom looked the same as the day before, and a wave of Deja Vu came over her. This wasn’t the first time she had been in this situation. Being restless and unhappy was practically a routine at this point. Her mind kept racing, but finally something grabbed her attention. On the bedside nightstand, there was a framed photo with all seven of her friends, taken at a nearby restaurant during a relaxing day out around the town. Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Spike and Starlight were all visible in the frame. Right smack-dab in the middle, was Pinkie.

She looked happy.

All seven of them had hooves wrapped around each other, locked in a big group hug. Spike was perched atop Twilight’s head, holding his claws up like bunny ears and grinning. The camera had picked up the colors quite well, giving a lively vibe to the somewhat recent photo.

Pinkie felt her frown soften. Just a little bit. But it was enough to get her through the suffocating wave of hopelessness clouding her head. The picture had a deeper meaning than just being together with friends for one moment in time. It reminded her of what life was about. The photo ignited memories from countless adventures, arguments and crazy situations they had been through together.

”Has it really been seven years since I met Twilight? Time sure flies…”

In a moment of relief, Pinkie had a realization. Not all of these memories were old and out of reach. Her friends were all still here, and they were always searching for new ways to spend their time and enjoy life when they weren’t too busy working. The opportunity for a fun time like that to happen again would always be there, for the foreseeable future. She stared intently at the photo, and began to cry again. Tears clouded her vision. But unlike before, they were not from sadness, but from joy. Wiping her eyes, she eagerly trotted over to her window and opened the blinds, letting the sunlight in once again.

”Sorry Celestia… I shouldn’t have shut you out like that.

Next, she turned on the radio and let some upbeat pop music breathe a bit of life into the room. It wasn’t her favorite genre of music, but she didn’t care right now. It gave her something to listen to besides her own thoughts, and that’s all that mattered. A change of mood started with the simplest things.

Pinkie Pie hugged the photo close, and finally smiled. Sometimes that was all she needed to start feeling better. The tension in her muscles slowly eased away.

”Today can be a great day... All I have to do is try. I won’t let you girls down.”

Suddenly, her phone rang. Pinkie set the picture down and checked the caller ID. It was Rainbow Dash. Nopony ever called this early, so curiously she picked up the phone and answered.

“Hey Pinkie. It’s me, Rainbow. Do you have a minute to talk?”

Pinkie had never been happier to hear a friend’s voice.

“Of course. What’s up, Dash?”

Rainbow Dash hesitated a little bit, which concerned Pinkie.

“Well, I’m feeling bored and kind of lonely right now to be honest. That’s what’s up… So I was wondering, do you want to do anything outside today? The weather couldn’t be better. Please? Everypony else is busy and I really need somepony to talk to.”

Pinkie responded without hesitating. Her friend needed company, not to mention that anything to get out of the house sounded like a good plan for her own well-being at this point.

“Absolutely!”

Rainbow Dash’s tone went from flat and monotone, to more pronounced and happy.

“Cool! Meet me by Twilight’s castle in thirty minutes. Not sure what I want to do exactly yet, but I can count on you to think of something fun.”

Pinkie took a mental note of that comment.

“Okie dokie! I just need to eat breakfast first. Let me grab a few cupcakes and I’ll be on my way.”

Rainbow Dash laughed.

“Pinkie, I know you love cupcakes, but isn’t that a little bit unhealthy to eat so much sugar for breakfast?”

Pinkie scoffed.

“Pfffftt; what? No, not sugary cupcakes. I meant blueberry breakfast cupcakes!”

Rainbow Dash paused.

“Ummm… You mean muffins, right? *bump* Agh! No wait- Derpy, get away from me! I don’t actually have any-“

Pinkie heard a loud thump sound over the phone, like it was being dropped onto the floor. After what sounded like a muffled wrestling match had occurred, Rainbow Dash came back.

“Sorry, just ignore that. That pony hears one peep about muffins and she’s all over you. See ya in thirty, bye!”

Rainbow Dash hung up, and Pinkie set down her phone. Out of the whole conversation, one moment struck her in particular.

I can count on you to think of something fun.

I can count on you.

She played the words over and over in her head a few times, until they were ingrained in her mind. Pinkie realized she wasn’t an annoyance to her friends at all. Rainbow Dash really did appreciate her, and even reached out for support when she was lonely. It made her heart warm, and provided a goal to accomplish.

Pinkie Pie felt true happiness, finally grasping what had been missing. All it took was a smile and a reminder of her purpose to get back on track.

Comments ( 17 )

8601545
Thank you; I'm glad you enjoyed it! :pinkiehappy:

You just wanted a comment, so..

First off, the English in this is pretty good. Not only did you do well with spelling and grammar, but your word selection and sentence structure has good flow and tone. Nice job on the prose.

I also thought you did very good job of describing a depressive episode. The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, the constant wondering if people are only pretending to like you, the feeling that nothing is fun anymore, which causes even something as simple as watching TV to not work. This makes for a good PSA for that reason alone, and I'm also a fan of the theory that Pinkie is dealing with something like this behind the scenes.

The one.issue I did have was the schizo-tech: I've never seen them use TV's or phones in Equestria. They don't have tat kind of technology, and it was jarring when she was just casually using it. It's a bit minor in the context of the rest of the story, but I wouldn't have included that sort of thing...

So, you did a good job with this!

There's your comment. :V

8601654
It's reassuring to know that I portrayed her depressive state correctly. Thank you for the thorough comment. :twilightsmile:

On the topic of technology, you have a fair point. But ultimately electronics do exist in Equestria so I didn't think it was a big deal to include phones or TVs as a minor tool for the plot. Remember the 100th episode? DJ-Pon3 clearly has speakers, mixer tables, headphones and all sorts of electronic gear. These ponies don't live in the stone age xD :rainbowwild:

8601718
Still, we've seen radios and picture projectors and records, but never outright televisions and phones, so I've always pegged them as being no more advanced than the 1920s. It's just not the kind of thing I think they'd have.

I think you made the perfect choice of characters to use here. Pinkie makes this very believable and heart breaking considering what we know about her in the show and I can easily see Dash getting Pinkie to help her with her funk and Pinkie being so happy to have Dash ask for her help.

8602168
Thank you so much! I'm happy to hear the story came across as believable.

You can't bottle depression. I think this story does a good job expressing that. Well done.

Life with depression, that is a life I live. Although in my case I am on medication for it.

8604311
Aw man... :fluttershysad: Hope things get better. It's good that you're acknowledging and treating it though. That's the most important thing you can do.

8605148
Don’t worry, it’s fine. It’s one of those things where it’s caused by genetics so I have had it for years. Like I said though, I’m on an anti depressant so I don’t actually feel depressed. I won’t deny that I have negative thoughts from time to time but I think they may stem from a desire to improve some parts of my life.

Really good story there. That is well done.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and Major Depressive Disorder. I'm on medications to help with the symptoms but I still have days like this. I've been told multiple times that I'm a lot like Pinkie Pie and because of that, I really identify with her. Reading this story made me feel even more Pinkie-like, if that makes any sense. You captured both what an episode feels like and Pinkie's character with this story and I'm really glad you wrote it and that I read it. Stay awesome, ok?

8998208
Thank you so much! I'm glad that my story had an impact. That means a lot, and I'll try to keep writing. :pinkiehappy:

I have to give it to you here, you did a good job tackling Pinkie's depression. It's a delicate topic, and while I don't have it I have close friends that do, and having witnessed real depression I can safely say this is an accurate representation. At first glance it's hard to imagine a character like Pinkie suffering from such depression, but you make a good case for it and make it seem believable. I also feel it's written in such a way where if it were longer it could be a topic for a real episode: whenever you're sad, just know that you have people who love and care for you. Open up to them and they will help you.

Good job :twilightsmile:

10160469 Back when this story was written (over two years ago), I was feeling really burnt out and depressed so it draws heavily from personal experience. However, a lot of things were adapted to fit Pinkie's character. :pinkiesad2: It's good to know her feelings came across as believable. Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! :pinkiehappy:

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