Wandering Sunrise remembers Equestria as it once was: a land of harmony, broken by strife. She was sealed in a Stable-Tec stasis pod the day the Megaspells hit... and she wakes up in a pool of water, surrounded by strangers.
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looking good, had to stop and start a few times but just a enjoyable to listen to as the first time, am I right in thinking you reworked a few bits to flow better?
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We reworked the whole thing! Like it was some real intensive man hours and Propmaster is a great editor. He and Hitomi really help make it shine.
Just a few fix I found in the spelling.
like our Casanova over there," he nodded towards Chufindo, Chifundo name missspelled
"Alguacil replied, gruffly brushing her off. His accident burned out of him" accent for accident
""Look, it's a sensitive topic, and in all honest, probably the worst in a long line of bad memories." honesty for honest
"I turned to Alguacil, now, and stared into that one eyed law marker hard enough that I swore I could see his soul." law maker for law marker.
"Sugarcube Corners pulled out a caravan shot and rolled it in her hooves outside the box, taking a look at it in the light." add gun to shot
"Just being with your friends and starting a music instrument. Then just letting what you feel right at the moment out for everypony else to enjoy." replace starting for playing
I love the day to day talking in this chapter. The characters get to get flushed out and we see the interplay realy work well between them. In a RPG it not just about beating the snot out of some thing. it just as important to see the interplay and the Role play. I think for a long chapter with no realy action this was one of the best. In the chat when the games going on. all of us watching like to make are fun and cheer on the death of the characters. But when you have a chapter like this we feel for the characters and want them to live and care on. Well till the next fight anyway. But I found myself liking all of the characters now and not wish them death as much. it some thing to the fine writing of the story that it changes how we look on them. The story put a new light on the characters we do not see in the game and that's the power of a good writer.
8776291
Wow I didn't realize this chapter did all this.
That is a whole lot of information and we have another 1 or 2 of these chapters coming up in ACT II right up till the big drop coming a few chapters down the road.
I'm glad you liked it, I hope I can keep making yall enjoy it and keep making it better and better.
Special call goes to Hitomi for getting me this far and to Props for making it awesome.
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Fixed all of them! Thank you Holtz! Going to bed now.
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Got them! Woot! thank you.
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Note to self, TTS may need some work to make it exactly right or I may need to do my own work for it.
Wait... that's the last uploaded chapter!? Noooo!!!! I want more!
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5pm Monday march 12th. Chapter 15 will go live.
The second thing he's rhymed that feels natural.
A part where I think Pink states in a normal voice, to be heard by all, near the end, but I like this story a lot still.
Also.
Why did you start calling her by a combination of her name and nickname out of nowhere?
She was Corners for the better part of 8 chapters, now it's Sugarcube Corners.
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Fixed the Sugarcube Corners and Chifundo's Rhythms are not always the best I know but it is the player in some cases and my writing in others and in the end it is a blend of the two. Sorry they don't always flow the best.
This was the chapter of letting revelations of all out from hiding! good emotional stirring!
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and this chapter needs a ton of work.
"bouncing around my E.F.S. compass then slowly that stopped" was this meant to be "... that slowly then stopped"?
"take a big bulp" was this meant to be "gulp"?
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"I woke up in the pool the memories is when I started remembering things this way.”" Is "the memories supposed to be here? Just the flow seems a bit off is all.
"them.I still" Space after the period. I think. Maybe
"up—ike" like?
"It become like that " became?
9443764
fixed
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Fixed!
"Sunrise says referring to the two" Would it be "I said" due to it being Sunrise's perspective?
"rage cooled, I spoke" comma here seems odd, perchance a period or semicolon?
"closed.”
Alright, then let "
I beleive the quote goes at the start of a new pargraph, not the end of the prior one.
"hidden here just " comma before just?
"my equipment,my armor" space after comma
" least till I give" appostrophe before "till"
"glove. Iguess " Space between "I" and "geuss"?
"were looking for. an" Capitalize "an". Also, "the dulled cloudy sky" maybe it should be "the dull, cloudy sky"?
"be rude" Alguacil" Not sure, but shouldn't there be a period after "rude"?
"but It is kind" decapitlize "It"
"accentburned out" space between "accent" and "burned"
" same time" Alguacil" something at the end of the quotes?
"and mutters just" "mutters" should probably be muttered
9447275
fixed them all thank you.
"meet everyone’s stare"
anypony spoof
"Corner declared and disappeared deeper into the box." Corners
". . . some significance to her Box God,(change to a ":"?) " ' "(space before the quotation marks)
"gift of a fresh start, nor the youth to" (too?)"
“Oh Sunrise! One day you will get it and be able to step in and out of that sight whenever you like.”
Is this pinky talking?
"We've got nothing but time, might as well talk about it."
who is speaking here?
"Sunrise, would you rather..." add quotes to the beggining
"nd looked at Nyota,“Now, Nyota" space between comma and quotes
"Its buddy's shotgun..." capitalize "buddy" I think.
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Yes, she is the only one with Italics and Quotes.
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Fixed them all other than the one I gave the other comment to!
"Nyota,“Now, Nyota" space between the comma and the 2nd quote here
"piss on his grave. " most of the time, yelling has !(exclamation points)
Adendum: I have noticed frequently with beats in the rhyme being off, but I'm not sure if you'd like the chifundo's rhymes to have equal numbers of syllables.
9460197
We try really hard to keep the syllabuls if you wanna help work on them, be my guest.
Another wonderful picture! And I think Quick stitch would get along very well with Velvet and Morning Glory
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We all assume that Quick Stitch would but haven't actually asked him.
Gotta say, I feel a little bad for Aguicil. Yeah he’s got the emotional range of a ceiling fan and he tends to come off as rude and gruff and his morals do need to be adjusted. But he does have a level head on his shoulders and he knows a thing or two about how to survive in the wasteland. Aguicil is by no means a great guy as of yet. He’s got some personal improvement to do before he is considered a relatively good guy. I can see where Sunrise has a hard time with him, I just hope she learns to give the guy a break and not get all judgey on him when he makes a statement she doesn’t like.
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Actually it's going to come to a head very soon well not for you if you're on 14 but around 36/37.
for your consideration:
Nyota forced me up onto my hind legs and lean to balance in the way of a combat stance. He took the
learn?
comfort zone to start to master the brutal arithmetic of hoofticuffs. It felt awkward and I
this makes no sense to me. i wiuld use'art'
So, you in heat yet? I can safety say that you are old enough."
safely
silence, Cornsers recited a speech, and I assumed it had some significance to her Box God," 'For the horrendous conditions
misspelled word: Corners
I'm also glad to know that anything editable you apparently can make even better. My
edable
wonder if Corners, Chifundo, your voice and mine would sink up."
sync
It feels so wonderful
tojust letting what you feel right at the moment out9747060
These were all finished in the printed version.
Actually the arithmetic one is a direct quote and works rather well.
The rest were fixed in the printed version but not in this draft version.
Fixed now.
I am thourouhly enjoying this story! With a splash of seriousness here, and a bubble of laughter there, it's one of the greats!
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I'm glad you are and hopefully you will keep enjoying it. If you see anything or have a question don't hesitate to ask or point it out.
OK so i was kinda right
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Nope, still wrong.
Not even kinda right.
You won't know till MUCH later.
There is a good sense of companionship growing between the members. So far, it didn't feels like they even wanted to stick together. Now, at last there is something to it.
Sunrise has a nice ship with Nyota as well. They are growing, together, individually and in a group. Their interactions still feel clunky, but the spirit is there.
What is up with Picline? She hasn't been acting like a character, and more like a tool for the story. If her sudden "mood swings" were supposed to her character trait, then it should've been shown on our first encounter with her. That would actually make for an unpredictable, chaotic plot device (so, she'd be Discord).
Corners has a bad past with raiders. Killing her parents and rape is some basic character background, but how about we expand it?
What if she used to be a raider, maybe part-time. Maybe the raiders were a group she snuck out to hang out with. I'd explain her behaviour, doing mean things to others just to selfishly stave off her own boredom.
The raiders were a young group, consisting only of the worst bunch from some bigger settlement. Maybe they weren't raiders yet. Maybe they just vandalized so far. But one day, they went to far.
Their leader was temporarily unavailable, caught last time, now having to clean up the mess they made by himself, just because he didn't want to snitch on others. That made him loyal, that made him a leader, but it also made him weak in the struggle for leadership over the excitement-seeking youth. That one night, when it was pitch black outside, with booze and chems running through members of their group, that crazy one spoke up. He was surprisingly convincing with the state of mind everyone was in. He spoke of how others treat them, of the rules they are required to follow, of the fun they are entitled to have, but denied. So, the group followed him. They followed him to the house where it all happened, a place that Sugarcube used to treat like a giant, safe box.
No, wait. I'm changing the story a bit. Corners was actually helping the original leader out in secrecy. She felt empathetic towards him and wanted to help out. She did it as stealthy as she could, with no one besides him noticing. But that crazy one spotted her once. She wasn't showing up and having fun with them for the sake of that weak guy? He was angry. He wanted consequences. He brought them.
After that night, the group was never heard from again. A lot of equipment went missing - one of them had access to the armory via his father, who was on watch that night. The buck was minutes away from death when he was found, left to bleed out.