• Member Since 17th Jul, 2017
  • offline last seen 9 minutes ago

Fiaura


Hi, Yes I'm Queen Quake, Wandering Sunrise, and Tread Lightly - I like Explosions, 40K, Ponies, Anime, and Explosions....that's about it. Check me out on YouTube just search Fiaura ;)

Comments ( 407 )

It was entertaining to go through all of this again, and a little new seeing it from Sunrise's perspective.
There are still a few small mistakes that could use a second edit, but otherwise a fun read.

Comment posted by yingyangkitten deleted Dec 1st, 2017
Comment posted by yingyangkitten deleted Dec 1st, 2017
Comment posted by yingyangkitten deleted Dec 1st, 2017

8583964
Would you mind highlighting the mistakes so I can get them fixed?

The icy water refused to be ignored and I would have to open my eyes to figure out why I was shoulder deep in water)

“Hi everypony! Who are you all? Why am I here? And where is Mr. Jinkin Claus?” were the first words to come to mind and they immediately spilled out without reservation. Great Sunrise, they are going to be convinced you are completely insane when that is how you introduce yourself.

I was hoping for a distraction when the sand dog looked over and asked, “Anyone know a way to put these back together?” I saw what he was pointing at. They appeared to be parts for several pistols scattered across the ground. I felt a wave of relief as there was something I could make sense of, machines. They were easy to deal with, put all the pieces in the right places and it worked. Without a word I sat down and started to parcel out the parts. They were somewhat familiar, like the old parts I had seen in the Stable-Tec manuals. However they were a bit cruder, larger and more ramshackle looking than the smooth, sleek diagrams I had studied. A frown crossed my face as I started trying to match an over sized receiver to the worn barrel that didn’t quite fit.

A second pistol was easier to assemble now that I knew what they looked like. It felt good to have something to do. Down here, wherever down here was, felt cramped with everypony gathered up on the tiny shoreline of cracked tile. They seemed to at least have some idea of what they were doing, which was more than I could say for myself. It just felt like if I stood there with them, I’d do something that would cause that griffon to look at me again like I was some sort of helpless child. Another pistol finished, and another if not happy, at least minorly appreciative pony. Maybe they were nicer than I thought. (formatting added a large break in the paragraph)

“With new friends at my side, and that picture perfect pistol at my flank I felt like I could take on the world. My hooves moved quickly as I effortlessly assembled the pieces, humming an old Canterlot musical to myself. Bright hopeful eyes looked around at everypony, wondering about each and every one of them in turn, when I heard a sudden snap. Immediately I was drawn back to the pistol in my hooves, head cocked to the side as everything looked right. (Don't need the quotation marks at the beginning of the paragraph)

Okay ya know what? It's a good idea right now to take a break and introduce myself before I hand them these pistols. Everypony was staring at me, from the large griffon to the strange box with a voice inside it. With the shattered remains of the pistol in my hoof, I realized I knew practically nothing about the people in this room. Now that wouldn’t do at all, you can’t be friends without knowing each other! It was time to remedy this issue right NOAW! (Did you mean NAOW or NOW here?)

The griffin turned to me and tipped his sombrero. “I'm Alguacil. Your work is quite impressive, not considering the explosion. Would you mind repairing these knives to their handles?” (instead of "repairing these knives to their handles" either "repairing these knives" or "refitting these blades to their handles" would provide a bit better clarity)

I picked up what parts remained intact, tossing aside the shattered, bent, and broken remains of the detonated pistol. Then grabbed the pairs of the one I hadn't tried yet. I took to using my newly acquired duster, to polish and clean the individual parts as I put it together. Where did I GET THIS! And who ARMORED my stable-suit barding? The fourth one was assembled and I realized it acame together and didn't even make a sound as the slide moved into place to put the first bullet in. I had managed to get it perfectly right! (came)

Smoothing out my still wet Stable-Tec suit I felt ready to take on whatever was waiting on the other side of the door. As I took the first step towards the entryway I noticed a magical energy weapon on the ground. I hefted the pistol up in my hoof, sighting down it just like Buck Rogers, nothing happened as I pulled the trigger. I approached Chifundo and shoved the pistol into his bandoleer. “Please don't shoot me with that.” Was all I said then winced. Don't give them ideas yet! It's a Zebra and last I saw, Zebras wanted to murder all of ponies right? Just...treat this zebra like any other pony, just be friends and they won't kill a child right? You gave him the spare weapon, maybe he will see you trying to trust him and not be a bad zebra? The Ministry of Morale posters were wrong right? (Again the formatting left a large break in the paragraph)

With great effort and a loud shout, the sand dog removed the barring against the door . The door swung out and beyond we could see a hall. Unlike the cave like structure we were in here, this had tiled flooring and metal walls. (Nyota and Buddy moved the bar on the door but otherwise correct)

The smell hit first; the smell of decay, long since sealed up and made stale washed over me. My hooves wanted to get me out of there ASAP, but my eyes however couldn’t be torn away from the three bloated bodies. Bodies of ponies. One earth and two unicorns, looked perfectly healthy except the post mordem (mortem) bloating. I could see hoof scratches at the door-frame and one of them desperately holding onto their throat. Had they died from asphyxiation? Without further thought, I turned to the pool and vomited up everything my insides had in them. I must have eaten recently because it took a while before I was dry heaving. Long enough that the others had entered the room and at least everything within 5 feet of me inside the pool had gone from crystal clear water to puke green rancid bile.

“Aww... man... I had eyes once,” The disembodied voice said as I slid door barring back into place. I kept glancing around, wondering if somehow I’d catch a glimpse of that young mare if I looked just the right way. (Paragraph break from formatting again~)

“Like 180 years ago,” the box pony stated with a certainty like they were either playing an elaborate joke or dead serious. At that moment the realization slammed into me like a brick wall. My jaw was dropped to the floor and my eyes felt like they were bulding (bulging) from my skull.

“Well, I would (say) I've heard say crazier stories at bars. But certainly not,” Nyota said, the first words I had really heard the zebra say since he introduced himself to us. He spoke with a direct monotone that seemed to be all serious all the time. (I'll have to work on my delivery to sound less... serious)

Well aside from all the above notes, the flow was nice and getting to see it from Sunny's perspective was quite enjoyable, I'll go through the next chapter and see if I can help out with a bit more~

8584157
Thanks fixed these and worked on them (The NAOW was intentional)

As for the who did what, this is from Sunrise's perspective so the character may have missed something here or there.

(Aww...what a nightmare. I felt like a frantic gremlin was driving a rail road spike through my brain. Wait...why am I wet? The icy water refused to be ignored and I would have to open my eyes to figure out why I was shoulder deep in water) Note to self, do not go to sleep next to overly friendly mole-rat next time. The only justification I could give myself was the pounding of that mad gremlin and the chill in my bones, keeping me from noticing the larger bodies washed up near me.

Well to make it uniform, remove the parentheses, italicize the inner monologue. I know, I know, I'm a nitpicky bitch. But that's my job.

small hole through which I could see the sun shining.

This got cut off from the previous paragraph as well, need to merge it with the "A" above.

8584391
Fixed, yeah I'm gonna have to start checking the formatting transfer.

8584387
Fixed and surprisingly it is shaping up nicely.

Still don't know where you got Corners from, but I figured it was just something Sunrise was like "... fuck it, can't just keep calling her Pone of the Cube of Board Cards. Corners it is!"

But it works.

8584413
None of us do! We just started calling her Corners! So now she is stuck with that name as a nickname.

Looking good, I like the impression of Chifundo with the shadows, I hadnt thought about him having a foreboding aspect but I might play on that a little more where appropriate.

8584536
It is quite foreboding, you talk to the air and the air talks back. You talk about Bad Juju and well you are PINK striped. Which there are very few of and the only reason to have pink stripes is because you are aligning with the ponies during the war or at least your parents did.

I like how you are slowly revealing your perks and traits

8584564
Very true, and something I am thinking about might just add to that lol

8584638
It seemed to fit at least in Sunrise's mind.

8584630
It has been done in the other stories from Horizon and the Original, I thought it fit.

8583964
Got more edits in thank you guys.

Hey! I'm happy as long as Buddy keeps coming across as tough and cool!

8586823
Well he'll come across as cool and SHADOW THE EDGEHOGY.

So it is actually meant to be "Carousel"? It still sounds weird to me but if it's part of the original Fanfiction base or MLP thing I missed, so be it. At least now I know not to keep calling it out as something that is potentially wrong.

That and you settling on "PipBuck" instead of "Pip-Buck".

And I still smile that out of nowhere the name "Corners" got stuck to the Box Pone. :)

8601263
The Sky Carousel is a reference to the Sky Bandit from the original story as that is the model of air transport it was.

Yeah I'm sticking to PipBuck as it makes the most sense for some reason to my eyes.

And yes, Corners is also the Box Pone of many names that it makes you think about Sugarcubes.

Wow, I certainly missed the fun part of the session

We gathered at the door, which Buddy lined up and then slammed into. The flimsy trailer door didn't stand a chance and flew off its hinges. Friendly loud reminder, don't piss off the sand dog. There was a loud slam and a pulping noise as the door impacted into the corpse of the other pony inside. I looked around and realized that Corners and Chifundo were not near us. I looked at EFS and saw that two dots were in front of me, either inside or on the other side of the trailer. These two were marked as the two ponies in question.

Uhh... Nyota was the one to buck the door off its hinges.

8608382
My perspective on this one, I couldn't see that Nyota was the one who actually sent the door flying. I only could see that Buddy had torn the lock off the hinges.

8608382
I mean if you really want I can re-write it as Nyota doing it but there is a reason for having Buddy do it instead at least from Sunrise's perspective.

Fair enough, just figured I'd point it out. Anyway enjoying the read so far~

8608853
Glad you are enjoying both the game and reading :) If you find other stuff please do point it out. I know the first thing you pointed out I fixed.
Also I re-wrote chapter's 1 and 2 significantly.

the above your pay grade lines were pretty good

8613104
They oddly were when we had them come out.

You should add "I need duct tape!" for box pony.

8614836
You really do, need a lot of it!

You asked for my review, I have nothing to add to it as your writing skills are far beyond my autistic claptrap of penmanships\

8615413
I imagine you'll find something dear.

8586823
Oh Buddy comes across as tough and cool all right ;)

damn that was a long chapter. really liking seeing how event affect sunrise

8617145
Didn't really have a good place to split it and thank you I'm glad you enjoy this one.

I am glad Chifundo helps Sunrise think of nice things such as song and poems

8630920
Yeah for now, till you finally make her think in a way that just causes massive trauma, like talking to a memory spirit.

8630922
THAT WAS THE PINK PONYS FAULT

I can not wait to read this.

8631740
Wait till the next chapter, it's going to be ugly.

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