One Shot
Rainbow Dash floated over to the bed and took a seat,
"So, what do you want to talk about?" You sit next to her and began eating,
"I wanna stop this stupid shit... I'm tired of walking into the kitchen and feeling like there's a bullseye on my forehead. " You sigh heavily as you continued, "I know you can understand where I'm coming from." She nodded slowly,
"I do, Anon. I never meant for things to get like this."
"Then why did you lie? Why did you lie to me Dash? I need to know." Her ears splayed back and she looked down for a moment, assessing thoughts before speaking again,
"I-I don't know! I just wanted you to leave before Soarin came so you wouldn't feel worse, but I did. I should have just told you the truth." Her voice wavered, teardrops growing in her eyes,"I let you down so hard that day. When you kicked me out of your house a few weeks ago, I was mad at you. I said a lot of hurtful things that I wish I could take back! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" She broke down crying, digging her hooves into your bed. You hesitantly raise your hand, resting it on her back,
Her body shook and trembled with each sob that wracked her frame. When was the last time you interacted with her like this? Once she calmed down a little, you talked next,
"Now it's my turn to apologize, I'm sorry for playing the victim card as hard as I did. When I saw you and Soarin that night, I took a huge hit. I cared a lot less about my appearance. Not to mention that I put on a few pounds," you got the point across by pinching your belly, "I was gonna stay bitter too. Then Nightingale came in and made me happy again. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have invited you guys to stay for Hearths Warming Eve." She looked back up to you with pinkish eyes,
"Are we...friends again?" You shake your head,
"I never said I forgave you. I mean I'm giving you a chance. I'm not saying it's impossible to regain my trust, but I'm not saying it'll be easy either." You gave her a reassuring smile,
"Thank you for giving me a chance. Even though I don't...really deserve it."
"Bullshit, if I'm willing enough to give you a chance, then you deserve it." You push yourself up from the bed and stretch, "Now let's get back downstairs so I can make us something to eat. One single slice of cake isn't really enough for me."
Twilight welcomed you back,
"There you are. We were wondering what was taking you both so long." Nightingale trotted up to you. You got on one knee to meet her height and she leaned her head forward,
"Did you do it?" She asked with a noticeable tone of worry,
"Mhm." The thestral squealed girlishly and peppered your face with kisses,
"Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! That's my Anon!" Everypony in the room went slack-jawed, all except for Pinkie. She just turned into pink dust as if Thanos had just used the Soul Stone and snapped his fingers,
"Oh...my."
"Well, ain't that somethin'?"
"Well, well, well! It seems Anon has been quite busy in his leave of absence." Rarity tittered,
"How long have you two been an item?" Twilight asked; albeit with a stunned look at her face,
"Anon told me his feelings last night" She nuzzles your chin and sighs, "I'm so glad I did."
"I'm going to go make something to eat for everyone," the mares answered with a collective "okay". You turn your attention back onto Nightingale, "What do you feel like having?" You asked her,
"I think I want some cheeseburgers with bacon."
"Read my mind." You rose back up and placed your attention on the others,
"I'm gonna go whip us up some dinner, anything in specific that you guys want to eat?"
"Do you think you can make some hayburgers and hayfries?" Rainbow Dash asked,
"I'm not really keen on cooking food with hay in it, think you can help me with it?"
"Buck yeah!" You walk into the kitchen, with Rainbow Dash floating slowly behind you, "Anon?"
"Yeah?"
"What's it like eating meat?" You raise your eyebrow,
"Why? Wanna taste?" Her face visibly turned green,
"Sweet Celestia no! I just always wondered why you eat it." You reach into the freezer and pull the food out. You get out the seasoning salt and sprinkle it into the ground beef while you handed her the hayburger mix,
"For one, it's a really good source of protein for humans. Even though we can eat vegetables, vegetables don't offer as much protein as meat. On my planet, I'm what you would call a meat lover. The reason I know so many recipes for meat is because of my dad. He'd always have a barbecue on Saturdays. He was the one who had taught me how to fill burger patties with cheese and bacon wrap hot dogs."
"You eat dogs?!"
"No, oh God no! They have that name because they're shaped like Weiner dogs." You decided to keep out the fact that some humans DO like to eat dogs,
"Oh okay, you had me going there." She chuckled nervously,
"Don't worry, I don't eat dogs." You laughed a bit before you continued cooking, "How's Scootaloo been?" You could visibly see Rainbow's mood brighten,
"Her wings finally grew to the right size and she started flying."
"No way!"
"Yeah, way! I said the same thing when she flew onto my back!"
"Oh man, that's awesome! With you there to train her, she'll probably be one of the fastest mares of her generation." Rainbow Dash scoffed,
"Pssh, one of the fastest? I think you mean, the fastest!" You shook your head and laughed, there's that boastful attitude,
"We'll see Dash, we'll see."
"Done with the hayburgers," she flew up to the cabinet and grabbed the plates, "See you in the living room, Anon."
"I won't be long," When she left the room, you sighed, "This is the best Hearths Warming Eve ever."
When the burgers were finished, you turned off the oven light. Before you left the kitchen, you noticed a bottle of whiskey on top of the fridge. You grab it by the neck and look at the brown liquid. You opened the cap and walked over to the sink,
"Don't need that anymore." You poured the alcoholic liquids into the drain and tossed the glass bottle into the garbage can.
Returning to the living room, you gave Nightingale her plate and sat next to her. She rested her head on your shoulder,
"Thank you, Nightingale."
"For what?" You kissed her ear,
"For making me happy again."
"Awwww." You got to your feet and pulled everypony into your arms,
"This has been the best Hearths Warming Eve I've ever had in my life. Thank you, all of you for not giving up on me, even when I had given up on myself. I'm sorry for taking so long to get out of my funk."
"We're just happy to have you back Anon," Twilight said,
"Glad to be back Twilight. And I promise to never leave again."
And with that, our story comes to a close. Some will say Fin, others may say that's all folks, but I shall say:
The End.
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.....this felt like a copout, though that may just be me.
After all she did and said, he just forgives her? Just like that? I don't know man.
This was a nice story, unlike some others that I loathe else where. I really like your story.
Honestly its very un human to forgive someone so easy.
9556201
9550615
Dude I get your concerns and I reworded some of the dialogue. I hope the "polished" version of this chapter is up to snuff.
This whole thing was a mess. First off, I can't tell what was the point of this story? It physically went nowhere, which given what you were developing is such a shame. You made it clear that Anon was feeling down or...something, but after meeting Nightingale, he should have started leaving his house, if only to spend time with her. He should have been wary of love at first sight after Rainbow, which I think you tried to establish that he was, but then you dropped that in favor of a far too hasty ending. Where are the dates? Where's the 'actually getting to know Nightingale by being with her and watching her interact with the town'?
Second, the idea that other ponies were so afraid of bat ponies was clearly a Chekhov's Gun that never fired. Why bring up something so personal to the secondary character if you aren't going to make use of it? It ended up nothing more than a cheap attempt to tug on a heart string, which it failed to do because it was left a phantom of what might have been.
Third, the blizzard angle was obviously introduced as a way of forcing Anon and RD to interact once everyone was in that house together. Why was it scrapped, and why is the mention of a blizzard still a factor in a previous chapter if it never happens? Weather in Equestria is pegasus-made and scheduled. There's no way anypony in Ponyville still thought a blizzard was coming if plans in Cloudsdale were changed. Management doesn't work like that, and such a change would have been decided on weeks in advance because of how much of an impact weather has on everything. If the blizzard doesn't happen, the earlier mention of it happening should be removed.
Finally, where did Scootaloo come from? Not actually in the story, but the mention of her? There was literally no reason for that. Again, a horrible attempt at cheap emotional manipulation. It was supposed to be a feel good moment on top of another feel good moment, but both were terribly cheap, neither worked, and in fact squeezing that second one in there just makes me think you had no sense of direction when writing this.
Did you know that some people call an outline a 'writer's roadmap'? Do you know why? Because it's surprisingly easy to lose your way when writing, and sometimes you need something to help you collect your bearings. This feels like the result of not knowing where you were going. Three plot threads that go nowhere is far too many for such a short story.
9927712
I know you've seen many mistakes and inconsistencies in this story. But please keep in mind that this is my first story. I am by no means a talented writer. Perhaps in the future, I may write more, but I can't make a promise about that. So I'm just asking that you take it easy on me, I am still a very fledgling writer.
9929135
I figured it was your first story. It just had that feeling to it. Sorry if my critique sounded harsh, but I was trying to be direct as possible. I tend to have problems with losing the point if I start fluffing up my sentences.
The apologizing scene, just makes me go, why? I felt like the conflict between them was forced and Anon really pushed the victim card, doesn't make it feel any better when he admits it.
I guess all's well the end wells. Happy to see an anon/human x bat pony. Don't see a lot of those.
I realy like this story. You did a really good job. Hope one day you will make a contuation
I’m sorry, but I can’t accept that apology. She didn’t feel sorry until she got exposed.
I wouldn’t really say he played the victim card, but that’s just my opinion.
Thestral?
Goddamit anon
10442639
I honestly haven’t.
10441114
He played the victim card hard. Just gave this story a quick once over, and I can pretty definitively say that Rainbow didn't do anything wrong enough to justify the response. It is not Anon's place to nose into Rainbow's personal life, friend or not, and Rainbow has no obligation to tell Anon those details either. The only mistake she made was not just saying "I have something to do" or "I'm already seeing someone" as opposed to saying she has to work late. If they were already in a relationship, then she'd be at fault, but clearly they were not and this entire conflict is squarely on Anon's shoulders. Definitely not something that deserved the response she got, from both Anon and the others when it was revealed.
And I am really trying to understand what "I said a lot of hurtful things that I wish I could take back!" references. She didn't say anything intentionally hurtful. She said, pretty plainly, that she wants to date a member of her own species and that they be athletic. No "You're ugly", or "You're fat". Just "This is what I like, you aren't it. Sorry". Nothing between that interaction, and this apology indicates that her or Anon had any contact since that night.
10444213
I don’t think I would 100% agree with that. I don’t think anon is playing the victim card, I think he’s just reacting like a regular person would. Also, there were a lot of things rainbow did wrong.
Good story. Would definitely like to see an sequel about his relationship with Nightingale and how RD has to earn his trust back.
11500559
Agreed.
Author we demand a sequel please
*spoilers*
This was a rough read, both in character interactions and inconsistent dialogue (the part when Anon tells Nightingale what happened twice). People told you that Anon is a "nice guy" and played victim, but I don't really see it that way. He got shut down by the girl he confessed his love to, found out she lied to him, and saw Rainbow and Soarin together, so pardon Anon for being crushed by this. He didn't get angry at Rainbow right after she rejected him, he didn't attack Soarin at the bar, he didn't spend the whole fanfic complaining to others why didn't she say yes? Or telling them this is unfair and I deserve to be with her. Instead Anon punished himself by drinking, he shunned all of the Mane 6 when it was only Rainbow he had the issue with, and he was wrong for it.
Rainbow is a pegasus and she wants to be with another pegasus. That's natural and it doesn't make her racist, or else she would never have been friends with Gilda or Anon. Rainbow just doesn't see Anon in a romantic way. Anon could become a fit athlete the way Rainbow likes stallions, but he can't change into a stallion. Rainbow is attracted to ponies and that's not wrong. Rainbow was wrong for not just telling Anon the truth in the beginning.
Overall the the foremost problem is that characters want Anon and Rainbow to make up, when they really shouldn't. Anon had been so anxious about his feelings for Rainbow Dash that he couldn't contain it any longer so he had to tell her the truth that would make or break their relationship. She turned him down and then she asked if they can still be friends. Rainbow doesn't owe it to Anon to be his girlfriend, but it goes the same way around. Anon doesn't owe Rainbow his friendship.
After he revealed the truth about how he felt for Rainbow and she said no, Anon and her can't just go back to being friends like that, because it will be very uncomfortable for the two of them to pretend that night didn't change everything.
In the climax Rainbow said Anon couldn't cope with it. It's a reasonable reaction for anyone after being rejected; he's allowed to feel sad and angry. He can hold onto those feelings indefinitely, or he can let it go eventually, but that is not to say he must forgive Rainbow. Or at least not so soon.
I think it would take years for Anon and Rainbow Dash to make amends with each other. After Nightingale has whipped Anon into shape and they have enjoyed enough time building their new life together. After Rainbow Dash and Soarin have raced each other countless times for fun and set new records for the Wonderbolts. After Anon and Rainbow have clear minds because they figured out what they need and are happy with their lives. That's when I think they would be ready to put it behind them.
That was amazing and yes its good you made anon not totally forgive rainbow dash and I will say this one became my new favorite when it comes to bat pony fanfics