Please leave comments about my stories, in the story. Don't PM me about them.
Rainbow Dash was thrilled to take her vacation this summer at Las Pegasus. But an unexpected threat causes her to injure her hooves, making her end her vacation early. She can fly, but that doesn't make her ache go away.
She doesn't like it, but she has to return home to rest her aching hooves. Fortunately, or unfortunately for her, Fluttershy and Scootaloo notice her early arrival. One of them has an idea to soothe those aching hooves.
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Done as a request for superfun. Enjoy!
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This went from hilarious to adorable
Thanks
Should i send my other idea now, or wait?
8284158
You're welcome.
And sure. Go ahead and send it through PM.
(Made a little edit to the author's notes.)
8284295
Just saw that edit
And all right.
Aside from some questionable choices in wording, especially for the younger Scootaloo (kid dialogue can stand out like that), this was nice. I particularly liked the idea of Fluttershy almost forcibly calming Rainbow Dash down for the treatment. That's a smart move, considering she probably has to do the same for more dangerous animals. And I really feel sorry for Rainbow, having to cut her vacation short and having to pay medical bills for doing hero work. I'd assume someone cleared that up afterwards.
In terms of logic or content, a couple of little things come to mind. We've seen other ponies visit Rainbow's Cloudominium (btw, awesome find, totally repeating that one), the only reason no one can visit is if the local balloon service is down. Also, if no one can visit, then Scootaloo can fly in this story. Haven't kept up with the new Season yet (bingewatcher) so I wouldn't know if that's changed at all.
With regards to Scootaloo's 'interest'... it's something you can get away with. That kind of thing is weird on paper, but it does happen around that age. Lords know, Robin Hood and Jungle Book made their mark on a generation of weirdos, it stands to reason similar things happen in Equestria. If you want to make it look more like an accident, the label can be stated to be in a different language. Scootaloo seems to have trouble understanding it, and it's not entirely clear if that's because she can't read that well yet, or because of other reasons. But those are nitpicks; the meat of the story is good, and it's a take on heartwarming that's out of left field, which is something I can get behind.
All in all, nice read.
8284695
What choice wordings would that be? I wanted to avoid mature-like content in this story so let me know what sticks out as close to that.
Well, even if the balloon service was up, it would take some time (Not to mention cost Bits) for them to get that set up and visit Rainbow. Even then, they could only visit Rainbow just outside her front door or one of her windows, since they need Twilight for the cloud walking spell.
In season 7, Scootaloo was able to get all the way to Cloudsdale, without flying, a pegasus's aid, or using the balloon. If she can come up with something like that, I'm pretty sure she can come up with a way to visit Rainbow consistently. Yeah, that was season 7, but they've been sisters since season 3. I think she had time. (All she needs is a ramp and her scooter!)
I suppose I could've fit this better somewhere in the story. Scootaloo was doing the massage at the same time she read the part where she made a mistake. I was going for, she lost her place where she was reading, or, it was too far away so she had difficulty reading it.
Anyway, thanks for the review! I really hope to get more of these in my stories so that I can continue improving and know where I went wrong.
8284837
Going to be a little quick on Scoot's dialogue:
Like this, this is fine because she's reading the text of the newspaper. She's quoting, so it doesn't have to sound in character perfectly. But then we get to:
She found it surprising and regretful? Shouldn't that be regrettable? And even then, why is it regrettable? She's sorry to hear it? Contrast with a sentence like: "I mean, I was kinda surprised to find out, but if the most awesome pony in Ponyville likes them, then they can't be that bad, right?"
Or little stuff, like:
versus "Hey, that gives me an idea. Be right back!"
Again, phrasing. "I've never actually done it before, but I heard Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle talking about it. I wouldn't mind trying."
Keep in mind, this sort of stuff only sticks out when it's jarring. The rest of it, skimming over it, I don't notice anything too grievous on her dialogue. So don't take this as gospel. It's just that in general, it helps if you try to read lines in a character's voice. It just feels like those sentences don't quite fit, and again that may be different for someone who's actually seen Season 7 so far. I wouldn't change it, necessarily, just keep it in mind for future reference in case the remark becomes a recurring one.
8286480
Ah yes. Fitting character dialogue to match what they say. That's one of the harder points that I have with the characters. Most of the time, to me, it sounds alright when it comes out of their voice, but others would disagree. I have no idea how to tell otherwise. I thought you meant some of what she was saying was suggestive or something.
Anyway, to point out this:
I was making a remark from the Ponyville Confidential episode in season 2. The CMC were in charge of Gabby Gums, where they revealed secrets from all sorts of ponies by writing them into newspapers. Eventually their stories went to revealing secrets from the Mane Six. One of them was Rainbow Dash in the spa, looking like she was about to get a hooficure, and smiling.
That was what Scootaloo was referring to. She found it surprising Rainbow Dash would enjoy that, but she also regrets finding it out the way she did. I didn't think I'd have to explain something that happened in an episode way back in Season 2.
8286530
Ah, there's the thing; didn't realise that was referring to that episode. It also doesn't add any sense to that sentence, I don't think. She says she found it regretful, not that she regretted anything. And even then, she'd be regretting spreading the rumours, not finding out about it, since Featherweight was the one responsible for that picture. But okay, that clears that up