• Member Since 15th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 23rd, 2012

Kaityminaj775


T

When Scootaloo is tried of being abused by her mother, she runs away to find someone who can help her stand up against her mother. When she looks for someone to help her. She finds Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash helps Scootaloo fight against her mom and find a new home.

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 63 )

:rainbowdetermined2:: Hey you! Clench those teeth! "Punches the abuser"

Meat? Meat in a Ponies Fridge? I could've sworn Ponies were Herbivores and dont eat meat?
Also, how does grass grow on clouds? Some mistakes here and there. Try to get someone to proof read your work before hand. I'll track for now :twilightsmile:

Eurgh, it's a really nice story, but it has many, many kinks in it.

1. The odd paragrah style is off, and it bothers the eye and cuts certain things off from one another. Try making actual paragraphs and only end a paragraph for speaking when its either done to add an affect and/or be a conversation.

2. Spelling. Now, I can't say much about this because in my own story my spelling was awful. I say was because I fixed it by sending the story to www.spellcheck.net and processing it through, fixing the mistakes, and dragging it back over to the story.

3. The over-use of !'s and ?'s. There really isn't a need to use more than one for each. Instead, describe it more in the story. That brings me to my next point...

4. Details. We all love those juicy details. What does Scootaloo's doll look like? What does their home look like? This adds to the goodness to the story and the attraction of it as well. And when you make a point, really make a point. Tell us EVERYTHING about that point!

All in all, its a good idea for a fic, and I believe it can have promise. But do the things I said above (even with my limited knowledge of writing) and things should be better! I give you spike moustache for the idea:

:moustache:

EDIT: Oh, also, use the indent tool on your lines. I just now realized you haven't, and its very easy. It should be shown up on your tools when you edit near the right-side of the toolbar.

-AdolphPony

958059

Yes, I forgot my pony knowledge. :twilightblush: I will fix that as soon as possible. Thank you for the advice!

958200

Thanks for the great advice! :pinkiehappy: I'll make sure this is all fixed and added!

The swearing put me off, it's a bit much, but still.

958535

Im sorry it wasn't to your liking.

My reaction through emoticons:
:pinkiehappy: Happy
:pinkiegasp: GASP AT THE EVIL PART
:pinkiecrazy: GOES CRAZY
:flutterrage:YELLS AT MOTHER

awww poor Scootaloo now i feel she should be my favorite out of the cmc:fluttercry:

An interesting story concept. Will read.

ENOUGH OF THE SCOOTABUSE!! WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE RAINBOW PUT SOME PAINBOW ON HER MOM??

Wonderful story. I can't wait to read more. However, you did substitute "you're" for "your" in several instances, such as "everything you're dream bedroom would be", and "sit here on you're lazy ass". I didn't see any other problems, but don't take my word that there are none. I don't look too carefully. I just have a hatred of apostrophe mistakes, and end up channelling my inner grammar Nazi when I come upon neglected or ill-inserted apostrophes. :twilightangry2: I would even go so far as to say that they are the WORST POSSIBLE THING. :raritydespair: Other than that small issue, I loved it. Poor Scoots. Can't wait to see how Rainbow handles the situation.

958768 She SHOULD be. :facehoof:

EDIT: Oops. Sorry about the double-post.

Good story.:eeyup: Now wher is my gravity hammer so I could hunt the mom down.:twilightangry2::flutterrage:

lets hope pinkie makes a cupcake out of Scootaloo's poor excuse of a mother :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

And this is why they need to ask kids about their bruises... :applecry:

959113

Thanks for the advice! I'll get to to as soon as possible!

This has peaked my interest :trixieshiftright:
Aside from the paragraph thing (minor touch up) I say continue on! Cause I want to see when :rainbowdetermined2: saves :scootangel: from that B**** of a mother!

I support the mother! I mean, it makes total since what she's doing.

For one, she had a child to clean up her house and for only that, now THAT is productivity!

(P.S. I'm fucking kidding, anyway, hurry up with the second chapter so I can see some of Rainbow Dash doing some ass-kicking on the Mom.)

So wait the couch is made of "leather". Like tanned animal hide:pinkiesick:. That is Ed Gein shit right there. Great story can not wait for next chapter.:pinkiehappy:

This is really good! :pinkiehappy: Nice job.:scootangel:

*sees new chapter*
*get's excited*
*0 words*
YOU COCKTEASE!

No words! WHAT THE FU.................:twilightangry2:

The second chapter will be posted shortly.

How shortly is shortly? Gah! The wait is killing me!:yay:

Words are posted in the chapter now, sorry about that. :I

Yes! Another fantastic read! :yay:

Unfortunately for having a no worded chapter for 10 minutes...

1 MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!!!!!!!:flutterrage::trollestia:

...i hope little scoots gets better... or ima have to sick miss Dr. Adorable on some ponies behind. still good read.

btb: oi Scat Daddy! you are a failure!!!! take scoots with you you bastard!!!!!

1000262

Oh dang. :derpyderp2: I was doing spelling check and fixing the format. Oh well, lets hope I don;t go insane in the dungeon!:pinkiecrazy:

Why is her "mom" still alive !?

Very short chapter.. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Scootaloo.png
I WANT MOAR! :flutterrage: The chapter may have been short but i'm liking this story!

MORE MORE MORE piz :pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss::scootangel::twilightblush:

You are making it real hard for me not to break the fourth wall, SCOOTALOO'S MOTHER MUST DIE!!! :twilightangry2:::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2:

OH PINKIE PIE, CUPCAKE TIME~!!!! :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Okay rage rant over, great chapter, some minor errors, but overall great.:twilightsmile::pinkiesmile:
Right more plz!

When's the next one comin out?
Great story! cant wait!
:twilightsmile:

if Scootaloo is doing well in school then child abuse and what to do about it has never been a subject, or any kind of law. Poor misinformed scootaloo, the only things her mother feeds her are stale bread and lies.:raritycry:

Too....cute. MAKE IT STOP! :pinkiesad2: :raritydespair: Touching my friend, touching :scootangel:

1014945

The next chapter won't be out of awhile. There is waaay too much stuff I have on my plate right now. Im also leaving for a week and stuck in a writers block. Sorry. th02.deviantart.net/fs71/150/f/2011/090/9/8/shrugpony_scootaloo_by_moongazeponies-d3cvk7k.png

Ah, a Scootabuse fic, with a mother who should be SENT TO THE PITS OF TARTARUS FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING TO BEST CMC! C'mon :rainbowdetermined2: kick that mare's flank for messing with :scootangel:!

974099 Holy cow I just noticed that too. :twilightoops: A pony sitting on a leather-upholstered couch?:rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh:

May the Grace of the Valar Protect You

Shire Folk

(I think I'm going to colour my words this time because I decided to do a bit of editing!):twilightsmile:

Um...so I'm guessing that there are several key things in here that are breaking canon (so far).

1.) Scootaloo hasn't met Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle, somehow, and so is not a CMC rushing around Ponyville and doing awesome tricks on her totally radical scooter.

2.) Miss Cheerilee clearly doesn't care about her students anymore, because I can't see her totally overlooking a malnourished, unwashed, and clearly physically injured filly who's somehow still motivated and bright enough to get solid 80+% scores on her tests and homework assignments.

3.) Diamond Tiara (and Silver Spoon) are no longer the obnoxious schoolyard bullies because they're not even bothering to torment her on being a blank flank.

4.) Scootaloo can now fly, given that she lives in a cloud house in Cloudsdale, and makes the trip to school and back by herself.

Beyond that, I noticed a few spelling and grammar errors scattered throughout. There was at least one "I'm" where there was no apostrophe present, and the word "dose" is not the word "does". The sentence Scoots cries out towards the end of "Why dose this happen to me??" Scootaloo thought. “Why can't I just run away???" should actually read "Why does this happen to me??" Scootaloo thought. “Why can't I just run away???"

In addition, you really don't need all the extra question marks or exclamation marks for added emphasis. Quite a lot of the description is also rather wooden, and there are a number of sentences you've got that aren't actually fully independent clauses. You also have the occasional problem of switching verb tense between past and present in the middle of a sentence. I think I'm actually going to go through a little bit in the first paragraph of this chapter.

Scootaloo got to school 15 minutes late. She always was late. But not this late. No one bothered to notice anymore when she came in. Her teacher Mrs. Cheerilee didn't even stop talking to wait for her to take a seat anymore. Scootaloo took her seat in the far right in the back. Nopony ever sat next to her
or talked to her. When she tried to get close to any filly, mare, or stallion, they pinched their nose and quickly walked away. Scootaloo has never had a bath before. So her mane and tail are a tangled mess. Her coat a blunt orange filled with dirt and blood that smells like smoke and alcohol. She didn't even have a name anymore. Scootaloo is even surprised that she even knows her own name. Everypony calls her that "orange filly". Scootaloo was very good in school. She did all her homework and got B grades. But that was never good enough for her mother. After school, Scootaloo slowly walked home. She dreaded going home everyday. Knowing that her mother would find something to beat her for. When she slowly opened the door, the only thing she could hear is the TV.

Alright, let's see what we can do here.

Scootaloo got to school 15 minutes late.(Independent clause with nothing to worry about here, check.)

She always was late. I understand what you mean, but it almost seems like Yoda speak and a traditional syntax error. The adverbs "always" and "never" are almost always (see what I did there:twilightsheepish:?) placed after a conjugation of the verb "to be" (is, was, are). I can't recall if it's technically wrong, but it is awkward.

But not this late. This is a dependent clause and not an independent one, if for nothing else than the "but" at the beginning. It's dependent upon the preceding independent clause "She always was late." and it's describing her lateness. A comma instead of a period at the end of the last sentence would unquestionably solve the error.

No one bothered to notice anymore when she came in. Her teacher Mrs. Cheerilee didn't even stop talking to wait for her to take a seat anymore. Scootaloo took her seat in the far right in the back. Nopony ever sat next to her or talked to her. When she tried to get close to any filly, mare, or stallion, they pinched their nose and quickly walked away.

Scootaloo has never had a bath before. So her mane and tail are a tangled mess. Her coat a blunt orange filled with dirt and blood that smells like smoke and alcohol. You suddenly changed verb tenses on us and presented us with another independent+dependent clause not properly joined. All we'd read so far had been in the past tense, and suddenly you switched to the present tense. It's upsetting in the sense that, to me, it feels as though you're deliberately breaking the narrative to offer an author's aside to the reading audience; it kinda feels like you recognized that a reader would make a confused face after the last sentence, so you directly turned to the audience and said "Scootaloo's never had a bath before, so her mane and tail are a tangled mess" before returning to the story.

She didn't even have a name anymore. Scootaloo is even surprised that she even knows her own name. Everypony calls her that "orange filly". Scootaloo was very good in school. (this next part deals more with her relationship with her mother than it does with others at school, so it could go on a separate paragraph) She did all her homework and got B grades. But that was never good enough for her mother. After school, Scootaloo slowly walked home. She dreaded going home everyday. Knowing that her mother would find something to beat her for. When she slowly opened the door, the only thing she could hear is the TV. See some above comments for this paragraph.

Don't be discouraged by the amount that I've written above. It's supposed to be helpful. Fortunately, all of these are just simple errors that reveal a bit of inexperience in writing, and can be fixed (at least in this paragraph) with just a couple of minutes of quick proofreading. Examine my edited version below (with differences in orange).

Scootaloo got to school fifteen minutes late. She was always late, but never this late. Nopony bothered to notice anymore when she came in; her teacher, Miss Cheerilee, didn't even stop talking to wait for her to take a seat anymore. Scootaloo took her seat in the far right in the back. Nopony ever sat next to her or talked to her, and whenever she tried to get close to any filly, mare, or stallion, they pinched their noses and quickly walked away. Scootaloo had never had a bath before, so her mane and tail are a tangled mess; her unkempt coat was blunt orange and filled with dirt and blood, and the smell of cigar smoke and alcohol almost seemed permanently stained to her hide. She didn't even have a name anymore; sometimes Scootaloo was even surprised that she even knew her own name. Everypony just called her "that orange filly".

Despite it all, Scootaloo was very good in school. She did all her homework and got B grades, but that was never good enough for her mother. After school, Scootaloo slowly walked home. She dreaded going home everyday, knowing that her mother would find something to beat her for. When she slowly opened the door, the only thing she could hear was the TV.

Try something like that. Sometimes, it's amazing what a couple of minutes of double-checking can do for the quality. I tell you, it took me more time writing out the BB code for changing colours than it did for the edits.:twilightsmile:

May the Grace of the Valar Protect You

Shire Folk

1033161
Thanks for all the great tips! :pinkiehappy: Im looking forward to using them. Wow, I have some mistakes, I feel sort of embarrassed . :twilightblush: This is the first story I've written since the 4th grade, Im a little shaky.:derpyderp2: But some of these are sort of confusing, You wouldn't mind explaining some of these to me? Thanks a lot! :raritystarry:

1074508 Well, which parts are confusing?

May the Grace of the Valar Protect You

Shire Folk

1075274

Quite a lot of the description is also rather wooden, and there are a number of sentences you've got that aren't actually fully independent clauses. You also have the occasional problem of switching verb tense between past and present in the middle of a sentence.
the adverbs "always" and "never" are almost always placed after a conjugation of the verb "to be" (is, was, are)
It's dependent upon the preceding independent clause
You suddenly changed verb tenses on us and presented us with another independent+dependent clause not properly joined. All we'd read so far had been in the past tense, and suddenly you switched to the present tense. It's upsetting in the sense that, to me, it feels as though you're deliberately breaking the narrative to offer an author's aside to the reading audience
See some above comments for this paragraph (Could you tell me about this one? Which comments??)

You wouldn't mind, explaining what these phrases mean or examples?? It would be a great help.

1075614 The "above comments" being the ones about tense changes and dependent clauses.

Well, before I start, how many English/Language Arts classes have you taken?

1079766 ...okay. Where are you from? If you're in Canada or the United States, or Great Britain probably, it's compulsory to continue in English/Language Arts all the way through until graduating from High School, and after that no matter what University or College program you're in English writing classes are also mandatory credits that need to be completed for certificates, diplomas, and degrees. If this is the first thing you've written since Grade Four, what grade are you in now?

1000253
I've done that before, I've always wondered if I should do that on purpose sometime just to see how people react. :rainbowlaugh:

1023005
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~ :flutterrage::raritydespair:

WELL?! WHERE IS THE NEXT CHAPTER?!?!?!?!?!?!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

1289351

Ha! :rainbowlaugh: Do people flip out??? XD

Sorry. :/

1294017

I'd really hate to say this, but im a little bit busy with school right now and won't have the time. Maybe this weekend and I don't have school on Monday, maybe then. But I won't promise it will be done for a while. Sorry guys. :applejackunsure:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!