Me,Rainbow Dash, and I.
Chapter one
In a far part of Cloudsdale, there is a small shabby house on Clearveiw road. The cloud the house sits on is brown all year long. Inside the house, its very small. The paint on the walls is peeling. Everything smells like smoke. Downstairs its just a tiny living room, kitchen, and even smaller
closet. Upstairs is 2 small rooms and a bathroom. In one room is a king sized bed and everything you're dream bedroom would be.
In the other room is a small bed with a toy box. In this house lives a little filly no older than 7, named Scootaloo.
Scootaloo was sitting on the smoke-smelling leather couch, playing with her doll Mr.Penny and watching tv when the door slammed shut. She cringed. Her mom was home. Her mother brushed into the kitchen.
"SCOOTALOO!" Her mother screamed. Scootaloo cringed again.
She slowly climbed off the couch and slowly walked to the kitchen. She knew her mother was going to scream at her. call her a mean name, hit her, or all of above. When she got into the kitchen her mother pointed to the plie of dirty dishes in the sink.
"You didn't even bother to do the dishes?” Her mother screeched.
"Im-Im-Im-sorry,I'll make sure-" Scootaloo stated.
"Get to the dishes you stupid cunt! You kids weren't put here on this planet to sit here on you're lazy ass and watch tv."
Her mother shut off the TV and picked up Mr.Penny. Mr. Penny was an old run down doll that Scootaloo found in a trash can by someones house. Mr. Penny was Scootaloo's only friend. Mr.Penny was an ugly brown with stringy gray hair and no eyes. Scootaloo found it that way. She loved Mr.Penny anyways.
"Or play with rags, Yuck!" She was about to throw Mr. Penny in the trash.Scootaloo rushed to stop her mother. "Don't throw away Mr.Penny!" Scootaloo cired. "He's my only friend!"
“Only friend?..."
Her mother questioned. "You don't need friends!" Her mother snapped. "You’re here to clean!"
Scootaloo's mother lean close to her face. Scootaloo could smell her smoke filled breath. "Now get those dishes done! Im going to the spa." Her mother was already almost out the door. She flipped her hair and said "Those dishes better be done when I get home!" "Alrighty mommy!" Scootaloo said trying to look
to the bright side. Her mother just slammed the door shut but on her way out scootaloo heard her mummble "Fucking stupid brat-ass
kid"
This hurt Scootaloo but she tried to ignore this feeling. She loved her mother, but she didn't understand why her mother hated her so much. "Why can't mommy love me?" Scootaloo thought. "Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong?" A tear rolled down Scootaloo’s cheek but she stopped herself before she could create anymore. She stated the dishes and finished them like a good filly would do.
Her mother never came back, but Scootaloo wasn't worried. Her mother always did that, and she was always back in the morning.After she finished the dishes. She cleaned up the rest of the house. It was always a HUGE mess. Her mother was the one who makes the huge mess. Then blames it on Scootaloo.
"Maybe.." Scootaloo thought "It will make her happy if she cleaned the whole house."
After she many hours of scrubbing, putting away, and sweeping, she was finally done. After Scootaloo put the broom away. Her stomach growled.She only gets one meal a day. Its her mothers idea what meal she gets. Yesterday she got breakfast.
Today, her mother forgot. "Maybe dad will remember, but I can't wait THAT long
im starving!" she thought out loud.
She knew she shouldn't eat unless her mother gave her permission to eat. But without hesitation, she opened the fridge. There was soo many foods she was not allowed to eat! Cake, Jello, and Fresh fruit! All this good stuff. But Scootaloo had to resist. She was not allowed to eat that stuff.
So she settled on a blackened banana and 2 pieces of stale bread. She savored every moment of the food. After she ate she picked Mr. Penny out of the trash, went
up to her room. Curled up and got as comfortable as she could on her rock of a bed and fell asleep. Next thing she knew Scootaloo was being tanked by her mane
and thrown to the floor.
"YOU ATE WITHOUT PERMISSION?" Her mother screamed in her ear. Scootaloo thought she was going to go deaf.
"YOU FUCKING RETARDED CUNT! YOU DON'T EAT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!" She punched Scootlaoo in the mouth and in the stomach. "THATS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU EAT WITHOUT PERMISSION!" Scootaloo's mouth stared to bleed and her mom had knocked the wind out of her. Scootaloo tried to regain her
breath. Her mother stopped screaming in her ear.
But she continued on her punishment. "You won't get any meals for 2 days!" "You little fucker!"
"You'll see how you like it next time you eat without my permission! I'll give no food for a week!" She then slammed the door shut. Scootaloo was so angry at herself.
Eating without permission. That was a stupid idea of her. She regained her breath and her mouth stopped bleeding. She wish she could stand up against her mother. One time a long time ago she told her mother to stop hitting her after her mother had slapped her for slamming the door shut on accident. Oh boy, did she get a beating. That day still haunts Scootaloo. After that, she never talked back to her mother.
As she walked to school, she thought about what happened earlier. Scootaloo didn't understand. Why did her mother do this? She loved her mother, dose she even love her back? It just didn't make any sense to the orange filly. Was this just a phase for her mother?? If it was, is it going to be over soon? Scootaloo stopped to pray for her mother to finish her phase of hurting her and that her mother still loves her. Scootaloo prayed a lot. She prayed for her mother the most.
She continued to walk to school. Knowing she would be even later than usual.
: Hey you! Clench those teeth! "Punches the abuser"
Meat? Meat in a Ponies Fridge? I could've sworn Ponies were Herbivores and dont eat meat?
Also, how does grass grow on clouds? Some mistakes here and there. Try to get someone to proof read your work before hand. I'll track for now
Eurgh, it's a really nice story, but it has many, many kinks in it.
1. The odd paragrah style is off, and it bothers the eye and cuts certain things off from one another. Try making actual paragraphs and only end a paragraph for speaking when its either done to add an affect and/or be a conversation.
2. Spelling. Now, I can't say much about this because in my own story my spelling was awful. I say was because I fixed it by sending the story to www.spellcheck.net and processing it through, fixing the mistakes, and dragging it back over to the story.
3. The over-use of !'s and ?'s. There really isn't a need to use more than one for each. Instead, describe it more in the story. That brings me to my next point...
4. Details. We all love those juicy details. What does Scootaloo's doll look like? What does their home look like? This adds to the goodness to the story and the attraction of it as well. And when you make a point, really make a point. Tell us EVERYTHING about that point!
All in all, its a good idea for a fic, and I believe it can have promise. But do the things I said above (even with my limited knowledge of writing) and things should be better! I give you spike moustache for the idea:
EDIT: Oh, also, use the indent tool on your lines. I just now realized you haven't, and its very easy. It should be shown up on your tools when you edit near the right-side of the toolbar.
-AdolphPony
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Yes, I forgot my pony knowledge. I will fix that as soon as possible. Thank you for the advice!
958200
Thanks for the great advice! I'll make sure this is all fixed and added!
The swearing put me off, it's a bit much, but still.
958535
Im sorry it wasn't to your liking.
My reaction through emoticons:
Happy
GASP AT THE EVIL PART
GOES CRAZY
YELLS AT MOTHER
awww poor Scootaloo now i feel she should be my favorite out of the cmc
An interesting story concept. Will read.
ENOUGH OF THE SCOOTABUSE!! WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE RAINBOW PUT SOME PAINBOW ON HER MOM??
Wonderful story. I can't wait to read more. However, you did substitute "you're" for "your" in several instances, such as "everything you're dream bedroom would be", and "sit here on you're lazy ass". I didn't see any other problems, but don't take my word that there are none. I don't look too carefully. I just have a hatred of apostrophe mistakes, and end up channelling my inner grammar Nazi when I come upon neglected or ill-inserted apostrophes. I would even go so far as to say that they are the WORST POSSIBLE THING. Other than that small issue, I loved it. Poor Scoots. Can't wait to see how Rainbow handles the situation.
958768 She SHOULD be.
EDIT: Oops. Sorry about the double-post.
Good story. Now wher is my gravity hammer so I could hunt the mom down.
lets hope pinkie makes a cupcake out of Scootaloo's poor excuse of a mother
And this is why they need to ask kids about their bruises...
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Thanks for the advice! I'll get to to as soon as possible!
This has peaked my interest
Aside from the paragraph thing (minor touch up) I say continue on! Cause I want to see when saves from that B**** of a mother!
F***!
WHY!
I support the mother! I mean, it makes total since what she's doing.
For one, she had a child to clean up her house and for only that, now THAT is productivity!
(P.S. I'm fucking kidding, anyway, hurry up with the second chapter so I can see some of Rainbow Dash doing some ass-kicking on the Mom.)
So wait the couch is made of "leather". Like tanned animal hide. That is Ed Gein shit right there. Great story can not wait for next chapter.
This is really good! Nice job.
Too....cute. MAKE IT STOP! Touching my friend, touching
Ah, a Scootabuse fic, with a mother who should be SENT TO THE PITS OF TARTARUS FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING TO BEST CMC! C'mon kick that mare's flank for messing with !
974099 Holy cow I just noticed that too. A pony sitting on a leather-upholstered couch?
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
Scootaloo.....YOUR MOTHER IS GONNA GET IT!!!!!
*climbs into jaeger and points plasma cannon at Scootaloo's mother!*
Well... This has promise
HOW DARE YOU BEAT SCOOTALOO! REEEEEEEE!