• Member Since 15th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 23rd, 2012

Kaityminaj775


E

Winona is getting old and sick. It turns out she needs to be put down. Applejack refuses to let them put Winona down. But will she realize that this might be the best for Winona?

(Warning: A very little amount of swearing.)

(Cover credit: http://crystaltiger52.deviantart.com/art/MLP-Pets-Applejack-and-Winona-274467928 )

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 3 )

The very first thing I noticed was that your sentences are very repetitive. The first two sentances of the fic could easily be compounded into one by saying "A little orange filly no older than seven with blond pigtails jumped happily next to her mother and father who were talking to the clerk." Instead of putting "The name of this filly was AppleJack" you can cut it down to "Her name was Applejack."

Second, ALL new speakers get a new paragraph.

Why did you feel the need to bring in OCs? A good rule of thumb is if you can write a story without any OCs, do it. OCs are rarely needed. (Did AJ marry her cousin??) And why would AJ think Caramel was cheating? It's not like he could swap his sperm out.


Another not so big deal (one that I find myself constantly messing up on) you keep changing from "is" to "was". "Is" is present tense, where as "was" is past. A scene, or if possible a whole fic would be kept in the same tense.

Also, you are ALWAYS given the option on if, and when to put an animal down. Many people choose to go with a hospise type care, making things as comfortable as possible but letting nature take it's course. In my understanding one of the most common reasons for choosing to euthanize an animal is money. Euthanasia is a lot cheaper (and in some cases kinder) than any other option.

Why is Big Mac giving the ultimatum? Winona is not his dog. He is not paying for her treatment. The choice is AJ's, and AJ's alone. Saying "See you Monday" is a terrible, relationship destroying thing to say. Further, it's really out of character.

Nearing the end where you say "Applejack looked into Winona's tired, sick eyes. She really did look sick and old." there's no need to say "sick" twice. We get it. She's sick. An simpler way would be to take out "sick" in the first sentence and just say "Winona's tired eyes"

You've got a good idea here, and your characterization with AJ is pretty solid. I can believe that she would be too stubborn and only see this as killing her dog- I just can't see the rest of it happening the way it's written.

1153288

I see where you're going here. Thanks for all the help.:twilightsmile: It WAS greatly needed.
I'll make sure it's fixed ASAP.

I liked it. There where some issues with grammar, spelling, and writing style, but I still liked it. There were a few big problems like Isn't Caramel her cousin, and how would cheating on AJ be a factor with how the children came out? Big Mac was completely inconsiderate and rude to the point and being just plain nasty, which is out of character. He's a big softy! :eeyup:

This fic was sad in general, but at the same time if it was REALLY well written you could have gotten readers to cry, or at least get MORE readers to cry. At the time Winona was getting put down it was more of a "Well, damn." Moment where it could have been a :raritycry: moment.

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