The 63 files

by punisher143

There's a FlashPunch in my boot part 1

You know, it’s funny how you grow to realize certain things when you do something a whole lot. For example, Equestria is indeed a very beautiful country: high purple mountains, verdant plains, glistening rivers and lakes. It’s all very pretty to look at when flying through the air.

If only I was flying under my own power!

Sorry, it’s been a long, long two months. My name is Flash Sentry, once a… sort of respected private in the Equestrian Royal Guard. Now… well, I’m still a royal guard I suppose. It’s just that I’m now the very, very unwilling bodyguard for the most insane pony I had ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Now you may be wondering why I’m flying through the air, hundreds of feet above the ground toward some random patch of dirt or lake, under somepony else’s power despite being a pegasus right? Boy, is that a story. I’ll try and keep it short.

I had only just got accepted into the Royal Guard, you know getting that nice set of golden armor and all, when I was assigned to help with… something or other, I don’t care anymore. Something about the Crystal Kingdom, a festival, a mirror or some ****. All I know is that was when my otherwise uninteresting life went right to hell.

---

I had only just gotten transferred to the Crystal Kingdom to help get it back on its hooves after… I don’t know, being banished from local time for a thousand years or something? I didn’t really care then and I certainly don’t care now. I will say that the Crystal Kingdom was a pretty cool place: all the ponies there were friendly, they really like festivals, carnivals and other celebrations (maybe trying to make up for the one thousand year difference?) and the two ponies that ran the place, Princess Cadance and Aegis were really nice; a little lovey dovey, but nice.

And then I met Dusk Shine. Now I like to consider myself a nice guy (yeah, look where that ****ing GOT ME!) which is why when I accidentally bumped into him while patrolling I naturally helped him up and apologized.

“Sorry about that, I wasn’t paying attention,” he said as he rose to his hooves and rubbed his forehead.

“Don’t worry about it,” I remember telling him, “I tend to do that a lot too.”

“Yeah, but it’s been happening to me a lot more than I want recently,” he replied and shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.”

“Ah, it’s Private Flash Sentry,” I replied like a moron. Then again how was I supposed to know that my name would have been the one thing to ruin my life? I didn’t even notice that Dusk suddenly got this crazy look in his eyes. “Well, it was nice talking to you, but I should get back to patrolling.”

I tried to walk away after that only to find myself stopped by something pulling on my tail. I turned around to find my tail held in place by an aura of purple magic, which was being emitted by said pony, who was still giving me a crazy look.

“You’re not Alexander,” was all he said to me before a hoof met my face.

---

“Ugh, even my memories hate me. Why do I always remember the beatings and not any of the good stuff?” Yes, I am talking to myself. I gotta do something while I wait for the ground to come back to me. “Oh, that’s right, BECAUSE NOTHING GOOD HAS HAPPENED SINCE I MET THAT LOUT! And what dumbass mistakes me complaining about said beating for ‘oh I really like that guy! I wanna be around him all the time’ OH WAIT!”

---

“So I heard you and Dusk Shine had a good first meeting,” said none other than Princess Celestia not even one hour after said beating I got earlier. At least none of my legs were broken.

“Who?”

“My personal student. He’s nice purple unicorn or alicorn, that kind of changes.”

“THAT ***HOLE?!” My wing started hurting again at the memory and my upcoming good mood was now totally shot. “Oh, I have some choice words about him! And what do you mean it changes?!”

“He sometimes has wings and he sometimes doesn’t. That’s not the point of this conversation though Private. Dusk seemed to really like you when we talked earlier.”

“LIKE ME?! ******bag nearly beat me to death because he heard my name! How is that anywhere close to liking me?!”

“Dusk has just been under a lot of stress, what with the attempted robbery of one of the most precious magical artifacts in all of Equestria and having to go to another universe to get it back.”

“Ok, one, he didn’t seem all that stressed before he went crazy and started beating me to death, so I think that’s crap. Two, it wasn’t even the real Element of Magic, it was a cheap toy he bought for five bits at a gift shop. I can show you where he bought it if you want! And three, he didn’t even know that’s where the thief went. He didn’t even notice there was a theft to begin with! Nopony would have even known there was a mirror if you hadn’t pointed it out!”

“Are you quite finished?” Celestia interjected.

“No, I have one more thing to say,” I replied and cleared my throat, “Basically everything that has happened in the last four days is all your fault… your highness.” Here we had a minor staring contest, which is not really that intimidating when you actually do it. “I’m done now.”

“Good. As I was going to say, Dusk is curious about you since what happened and wants to get to know you better.”

“This could only end in pain and misery,” was all I could get out.

“As such, I have decided it would be good for him and you if you were to be transferred to Ponyville with Dusk. Your comrades in the guard have said you haven’t made many friends.”

“And your proposed solution is to send me to the craziest town in all of Equestria, where Shoggoths are a common pet, zombies attack every other week, and the guardian deity of the town is a cross eyed pegasus who likes muffins above all else?” Yeah, I heard the stories about that town.

“Yes.”

“…”

“…”

“This is the dumbest idea ever. Of all time.”

“This is not a negotiable deal Private.”

I sighed and moved over to a nearby wall, patted it slightly, and prepared to give it the most solid headbutt I’ve ever given.

---

*wham*

Oh thank god, the ground! Even if I landed face first in the dirt it means I can finally start going home, for what qualifies as ‘home’ in my life now. So I spat out he mouthful of dirt that I accidentally swallowed and stood up stretching my wings. I also blew a strand of my mane that fell in front of my face. Let the record show that I stopped styling it like I used to because that was also apparently a sure shot way of setting Dusk off. Besides, I think it looks better when it doesn’t look like a frickin’ cow lick.

When I was sure I didn’t have any more dirt in my teeth, I turned around to start walking back to Ponyville only to find myself face to face with a mildly annoyed pony. Given my previous experiences with ponies I’ve met like this (all of which ended badly) I was naturally shocked and screamed as I fell back on my rump.

“Geez, did I really sneak up on you like that?” he said in surprise and scratched the back of his neck, “Sorry about that dude.” He held his hoof out to me, though once again that has ended badly for me in the past I waved it away and picked myself up. He just shrugged and waited for me to get myself together, which at least gave me time to look him over.

He looked normal enough, since he was a normal magenta earth pony with a slightly darker mane and a quick look at his grape and strawberry cutie mark gave me at least a good direction as to what he does. Still, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d seen him somewhere.

“Are you ok? That fall looked like it hurt.”

“I’m alright,” I told him as I dusted myself off. “I’d taken worse falls.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true given that you’re a pegasus.”

“The falls had nothing to do with me being a pegasus.” I turned back to him and asked, “So what are you doing in the middle of this field?”

“Well, it’d be weird if I wasn’t out here considering I own the place. It’s also my grape orchard.” I looked around my surroundings to find I was indeed in a grape orchard. Through sheer luck I didn’t hit any of the grape vines when I crashed landed.

“Huh, you think I’d have noticed that on my way down. I should probably stop losing myself in flashbacks when I’m about to crash land somewhere. Sorry about nearly destroying your orchard by the way.”

“Yeah, but don’t worry about it. I actually think you helped me out a little considering I was gonna turn this bit of field into another vine plot in a week or so. I think your face might have softened the ground when you landed. So thanks for that!”

“Um… you’re welcome?” I’m having a hard time telling if this stallion was being serious. His earnest laugh seemed to prove that he was.

“Anyway, are you feeling alright after that fall? Do you need help getting back to wherever you came from?”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I need to get back to Ponyville sooner or later anyway.”

“Ponyville? That’s an odd coincidence; since I was gonna head back there just now.” He must have noticed my widened eyes since he fixed me with a flat look and said, “Don’t give me that, normal ponies live there too.”

“I’ve never met any of them.”

“Well they are there. Now come on, I need to get back to Ponyville anyway, so might as well have company on the way right?”

Well, I couldn’t fault him there. This random pony was probably the first pony in a long while who hasn’t tried to beat me up or insult me since I was forced to this insane asylum, so he was definitely high on my list of ponies I know. On the walk back to Ponyville I also had to make sure that I absolutely did not try to fly there.

“Do you mind if I ask why you aren’t flying dude?” the pony asked me. I honestly hoped he couldn’t read my mind.

“I’ve learned not to fly around Ponyville or the surrounding area. That helicopter was really pissed.”

“Yeah, that’s Ponyville for you.” He looked back at me and asked, “So what’s your name? I don’t think I asked that.”

“Slab Bulkhead,” I replied immediately. Of course he gave me an odd look and I could tell he wasn’t buying it.

“Seriously dude?”

“No, of course not. Ponies here just really hate my name for some reason, so I don’t use it anymore.”

“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad,” he replied and gave me a slight nudge. “Come on, let’s hear it.”

I couldn’t help but sigh before saying, “My name is Flash Sentry.”

“It’s not that bad.” That actually surprised me. Man has it really been that long since I’ve had a normal interaction with somepony? “I don’t think its cause enough for the pain you’ve claimed to have experienced. I’ve certainly known ponies with worse names anyway.”

“I’d like to meet them. Besides my name didn’t nearly give me nearly as much grief as my old hair style. Sorry, I don’t think I caught your name either.”

“Berry Punch,” he answered and held out a hoof. It took me a second to decide to return the hoof shake. Afterwards we continued walking towards Ponyville, which wasn’t as far as I thought it would have been. At least something’s gone good for me today. “So what was that about your hair?”

“It was… it was just dumb. You don’t want to know.”

“You know, you sound like somebody who complains a lot about things too much.”

“I know this’ll make me sound like an entitled jerk, but after some of the crap I’ve been through the last two months, I like to think I earned some of it.” We reached the edge of Ponyville and I stopped walking. Berry noticed that I stopped and looked back at me.

“Are you ok Flash?”

The second I step into this town I’m just gonna sentence myself to more pain and misery. I could just turn around, walk away from this town forever, and absolutely nopony would have to know. Maybe I could go to Los Pegasus, call myself Punt Speedchunk and become a professional gambler.

“But miss Fluffy Fluffs is back at the library,” I unknowingly said aloud, “and like hell am I gonna leave her alone with Dusk.”

“Miss Fluffy Fluffs?” Berry Punch’s voice knocked me back to reality and to the realization that I had said that out loud. I could feel my face redden as I tried to think of an excuse for that, though Berry just laughed it off and said, “I’m sure it makes sense to you. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear anything ok?” I nodded in agreement and Berry gave me one last wave before walking into the town.

I took a deep breath and started walking into the town as well. I barely made it five steps before I accidentally pumped into somepony.

I started saying, “Oh, sorry,” but by the time I finished it whoever I bumped into slammed a hoof into my face and instantly floored me.

“What the **** Zel?!” I heard someone shout a second after I hit the ground.

“He bumped into me,” said another, much calmer voice.

“So you knock him out?!”

“He deserved it. I’m bored now, so let’s see what this town has going on.” I heard hoofsteps walking away and the first voice sighing.

“It’ll be fun, he said. Zel’s actually really cool to hang out with, he said. ****ing Polar, I’m gonna kill him then next time I see him.” Then I heard flapping wings and I thought one thing before I actually passed out.

I hate this town.

---

When I woke up I was a little surprised to find somepony had actually taken the time to move me out of the road. It’s always the small things that make these things that make living in this asylum bearable I suppose. And hey, they even put me on the bench too!

I stepped off of the bench and stretched out my legs and wings from the sudden nap I took and started trotting along the road. I could already feel the welt on the side of my face starting to hurt and let out a sigh of annoyance. I mean, what are the chances of running into the same angry pegasus in a… I hate this town.

Oh whatever, aside from the impromptu trip courteous of Dusk and his insane friends and getting clocked just now, it’s been a fairly uneventful day. As I approached the library I was sharing with Dusk, I could only really wish that he hadn’t burned my bed in some mad science experiment in the time I’d been gone. So, vainly hoping for the best, I opened to door to the library and walked inside.

“Oh, there you are Dirk Hardpeck,” said the one stallion I didn’t want to see, the one and only Dusk Shine, “I didn’t think it’d take you this long to get back.”

“I didn’t think it’d take you so long to get back,” I replied back in a high pitched voice and glared at him, “You know if you want me to be back in a timely manner, maybe you shouldn’t knock me halfway across the damn country!”

“Well, technically it wasn’t the whole-“

“Oh shut the **** up, you know what I mean!”

“Is that any way to talk to Equestrian royalty,” Dusk asked and extended his wings to prove a point. I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically. Seriously, it was one of those moments where I was crying from laughter for a good two minutes. Of course Dusk didn’t take the laughter too well, though he and his pet dragon- I think his name was Spike or something- waited until I stopped laughing to speak up.

“And what exactly is so funny?” Spike asked out of curiosity since he missed our little discussion.

“’Equestrian royalty!’ yeah right, you’re not even close to being that.”

“I could have been,” Dusk protested lightly.

“Weren’t you the guy who laughed in Princess Celestia’s face when she offered you the position?” This got the unexpected reaction of confusion from Dusk, who looked down at Spike.

“Did I do that?” he asked. I honestly couldn’t believe he didn’t know that. He did it, after all! Everypony heard the story of the stallion who outright refused to be royalty and laughed at the notion of it.

And he couldn’t REMEMBER?!

“Yeah, you did do that,” Spike answered plainly.

“Really?”

“Yeah, you, Blitz, Applejack, and Pinkie all laughed your heads off when Celestia said that.”

“Huh, I don’t remember that, but I’ll just assume it’s true.” Dusk turned back to me and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly and said, “I guess you got a point there.”

“Don’t try and be my friend,” was all I could say before walking over to the door to the basement. “I’m going to bed.”

“But it’s only one in the afternoon.” Dusk pointed out.

“You’re in the afternoon!” I was tired, sue me.

Anyway, after that I walked down to my room, which was really just a glorified hole in the ground. Seriously, I’m sleeping in a random hole in the ground that Dusk dug up. At least he put in stairs. I felt the side of my face that was still kind of welted and heard something I didn’t think I’d hear down here.

And it was coming from my little hole.

After one little check in there, and with another sigh, I walked back upstairs and stuck my head out of the door.

“Dusk, why is there a cow in my hole?” I asked him. The aforementioned pony looked up from his book and gave me a curious look before he understood what I was talking about.

“Oh, that cow? That’s Edgar,” he answered.

“Edgar…”

“Yeah, he rented out a space and your room worked out pretty well. Try and be nice to him ok?” I couldn’t help but stare at him before just shutting the door and going back downstairs and looking down into my space.

Sure enough, there was the cow just staring up at me. I returned its stare and walked down into the hole before hopping onto my bed. Yeah, Dusk actually gave me one of those too.

“Now… Edgar, this is my side of the hole,” I said to the cow, “you don’t come to my side of the hole. If you do, I’m gonna have barbeque for dinner. Got that?”

The cow answered with a dull moo. This is where I am at this point of my life, arguing with a cow over room space. I sighed again and snuggled into my bed.

I hate this town.

---

I slept pretty well for the rest of the day, save for waking up at one in the morning because of Edgar. Why would a cow bug me for a glass of milk anyway? Aside from that I woke up at the normal 7:30 feeling pretty refreshed. I knew this feeling wouldn’t last for very long, but I could enjoy it for right now.

I did my normal morning routine, stretching out any kinks and preening my wings if needed, all while ignoring the cow next to me. With that taken care of I walked upstairs to see if it would be possible for me to get breakfast here. The answer to that was ‘no’ because I went up to find Dusk working on building some monstrosity of machinery.

“What the hell,” was all I could say at the sight. At the moment all he had done was some kind of ring nearly half as tall as the room it was in.

“It’s not done yet,” Dusk said from his little study corner and motioned at the… thing. “It’ll probably take me all day to get it done too.”

“I assume I’m going to have to take part in this when it is done?” I asked knowing the answer.

“Only if you want to,” Dusk answered.

“Yeah right. I’m going to get breakfast and be back if nothing else comes up.” Dusk just waved at me as I walked outside. I didn’t bother to return it.

Say what you will about the town and its unique brand of insanity, at least the weather is nice. It’s only partly cloudy today, which suits me just fine. I thought I remember somepony on the weather team say we’re about due for rain in a few days.

I’m still a little wary of the other ponies as I walk down the street. Sure they’ve been pretty nice all around, but I’ve still learned to be very careful when it comes to looks around here. It only took a minute to make my way over to Sugarcube Corner, one of the few places I’ve actually grown to like in this town. Not for the pink mare that usually works there of course.

I got inside and waited in the two pony long line. I know, thrilling. Well, after the pony at the front got what she wanted, things got a little interesting.

“Why are we having breakfast here Dad?” said a voice behind me, a filly of some sort. Of course I turned to look back and who should I see but Berry Punch with the filly.

“It’s called quick and easy Pinchy,” Berry told the filly. “Some days, like today, we’d just be way too busy to settle for a normal breakfast. Which is why we came here because getting a muffin is quick and easy. Understood?”

“…I think?” the filly replied giving Berry a confused look. I lost interest at around this point and started looking back to the line when Berry looked up and saw me.

“Hey, it’s Bold Bigflank!” he said and trotted up to me. Couldn’t he have chosen a better name to call me at that moment? Oh whatever, he still seemed friendly enough so I waved at him. “You’re looking better than you were yesterday. How’s that feeling by the way?” He patted the side of his face to indicate what he was talking about.

“Oh, that.” I felt the welt on my face, which stung a little, and said, “It doesn’t hurt as bad as it looks. At least I assume so.”

“Who’s this Dad?” the filly asked looking up at Berry.

“This is the stallion I told you about yesterday. The one with the incredibly bad luck.”

Bad luck?! I…yeah.

“Oh! Nice to meet you Bold!” the Filly said and waved at me. I gave her a small wave and looked over at Berry with a small nod at the filly.

“Oh, this is my daughter Ruby Pinch,” Berry said and rubbed the top of Ruby’s head, “and she’s daddy’s favorite girl, right?”

“Yup!” Ruby replied and gave Berry a huge smile, which I will admit is probably one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.

“Well, that’s nice I guess,” I said and looked up at the now non-existent line. “Oh, I’m next.”

“Come on Pinchy,” Berry said and moved into the spot behind me. A quick look behind me showed that Ruby Pinch was just bouncing happily next to him. For some reason the mare that was attending the counter had left, so I rang the little bell and waited for someone to come.

I really like these bells.

“I’m coming,” called a voice from the back. After a moment of waiting and listening to some crashes in the kitchen, the pony who called earlier walked out of the back. None other than Pinkie- oh dammit, her hair’s flat.

Pinkie Pie’s insufferable enough to deal with normally, but the prospect of having to deal with her when she’s in one of her insane phases was not a good start to my day. It must have been a sight for Berry to see two ponies giving each other equally sour looks.

“Oh, it’s you,” she said when she caught sight of me, “what do you want?”

“Nice to see you too,” I returned and, after a quick look at the menu, decided what to have. “I’ll have a blueberry muffin and a cup of coffee.”

“We don’t have any coffee,” was Pinkie’s immediate answer. I looked back up at the menu and yes, coffee was indeed on the menu.

“Right, I’ll have a blueberry muffin and a cup of coffee,” I repeated. The mare sighed and leaned against the counter, resting her head on top of a hoof.

“We don’t have blueberry muffins,” she said. I didn’t feel the need to point out the display case to my right proudly displaying several varieties of muffins, blueberry among them.

“You’re kidding right?” Berry asked incredulously and pointed at the display case. Pinkie followed his gaze and stared at the baked treats for a couple of moments before sighing and looking back at me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I’ll… get your stuff.” Pinkie pushed away from the counter and started to collect what I ordered when Berry spoke up behind me.

“Can I get two blueberry muffins and a cup of coffee as well?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks. Um… can I ask a favor from you?”

“Huh?” I asked and turned to face him. He rubbed the back of his head and motioned to Ruby, who was doing a little dance. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on. “Oh, I see. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of your stuff.”

“Thanks Slab!” he said cheerfully and quickly led his daughter away from the line. I guess it’s a good thing this town hasn’t completely killed the nice guy in me. When I looked back at the counter I saw Pinkie had come back and set down the coffee and muffin in front of me.

“Here’s your garbage, that’ll be seven bits,” she angrily told me.

“Thanks, I guess,” I replied to her and motioned to where Berry and Ruby disappeared, “I’ll be taking care of Berry’s thing too.”

“The two muffins and the coffee?” she asked, to which I nodded, “Aren’t you the good Samaritan. It’ll be sixteen bits with his stuff then.”

“Alright,” I murmured and reached for the little bag of bits I kept under my right wing. A pony can’t pickpocket something that close to the body after all. I pulled out the required number of bits and tossed them onto the counter saying, “There’s your money.”

“Thanks, ****lord,” she said taking the bits, “Let me get Berry’s things now.”

“I’ll be back in a second. I’ve gotta take these to a table and I’ll be back.” I picked up the muffin in a hoof and the coffee in my teeth.

“Sounds good to me,” Pinkie said and gave me an odd grin. “You know Flink, I think we’ll be good friends judging from all of this.”

Wait, what? Oh whatever, it probably is just her trying to get to me so I ignored it. I set my things on an empty table and went back for Berry’s stuff, which promptly went to the table. It took him two minutes before the two of them came back.

“Oh, there you are,” Berry said once he found the table I was sitting at, “thanks for the help again.”

“It’s no trouble,” I told him with a wave of my hoof, “I’m just glad you haven’t tried to…” I trailed off when I saw that Ruby Pinch had sat at the table and stared at one of the blueberry muffins with… I don’t know, awed reverence? I’m pretty sure her eyes were sparkling.

“Ruby! What did I say about joining tables without asking?!” Berry scolded, which broke Ruby’s reverie.

“Sorry daddy,” Ruby said and turned to me, “Um, would it be ok if I ate here mister?”

“Well, you’re already sitting so I guess I don’t mind,” I told her and motioned at Berry to take a seat.

“Are you-?”

“Yes.”

“Ok,” Berry added with a shrug and sat next to his daughter, who was already taking a bite of the muffin. With that little reminder, I proceeded to eat my own in my own unique way. Which was dunking the muffin in the coffee and eating it that way.

I’m just glad nopony had anything to say about that.

“Is Bold Bigflank your real name?” Ruby asked out of the blue. I, of course, gave her a confused look before speaking.

“What? Oh, that. No, it’s not my real name.”

“Then why did daddy call you that?”

“For some reason my real name causes ponies to go into fits of rage, so I don’t use it anymore.”

“What’s a fit of rage?” ….My god she’s innocent. I looked at Berry and I could tell that neither of us wanted to tell her what it was, though it didn’t really matter since she seemed to immediately forget the question and asked, “So can I give you a new name?”

“As long as it’s not obviously insulting and is fit for a filly your age to say, I don’t care.”

“Ok,” Ruby said and started doing the ‘thinking’ thing of tapping her hoof on her chin. Hopefully it’ll keep her busy for a minute or two.

“You know, I’m surprised at how normal you and your daughter are Berry,” I said making a small motion at Ruby.

“Why is that surprising?” Berry asked. I simply pointed to the counter where, in the two minutes I looked away, Pinkie found herself fighting off a Nightgaunt. “Oh. Well Ponyville is a very nice place to live in when you get used to the zombies and the liches.”

“You know, it’s not helping the town’s case when you put it like that,” I replied simply. Man that Nightgaunt is loud.

“I suppose so. Would it help if I said Ruby here was born from a wine casket?”

“Is it true?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

“PUNCH ROCKGROIN!” Ruby shouted suddenly throwing her hooves into the air. I stared at her along with Berry for a couple of seconds before I felt this really bad stinging pain in my chest. I grabbed at it and placed my head on the table while I fought it off.

“Sweetie, you did it again,” I heard Berry say while this was going on.

“Oops. Uh, sorry,” Ruby said. I could only groan in pain.

“Give him a second.” Cute induced heart attacks really suck, though I managed to fight it off and caught my breath a little while after that. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah, a little. What was that?”

“Sorry, I probably should have told you. Pinch here is… well, really cute as you already could tell. I was hoping she’d grow out of it when she turned nine.”

“And how old is she now?” I asked.

“Eleven,” Ruby answered.

“…I have a feeling she won’t be out growing that.” Here I realized that I still had my coffee and muffin to eat, so I quickly finished both of them off. “Well, I better get going. There’s gotta be something I can do before I have to go back.”

“Are you going to be ok?” Berry asked giving me a curious look, “Nopony has ever shrugged off one of Ruby induced heart attack that fast, not even me.”

“Oh, I’ve dealt with worse. I will admit it was one of the more pleasant injuries I’ve had since I’ve moved here.” As much as I hate to admit that, it was true. “Anyway, I’ll catch you guys later I suppose.” Just as I stood up, that Nightgaunt was flung over to our table. Stupid thing was annoying, screeching and flailing around like that.

“Why won’t it die?!” Pinkie asked angrily.

“You need to put a mirror up in front of it, dumbass,” was my response. I’m honestly surprised that she didn’t know that. Pinkie just gave me a weird look before reaching underneath the counter. Just as the Nightgaunt started coming back at Pinkie she lifted up one of those full sized mirrors and, when it ‘saw’ its reflection, it screeched horribly and vanished in a cloud of smoke.

“What in the…?” was Pinkie’s reaction and stared at me entirely baffled. “How did you know that?!”

“I played Alone in the Dark once,” I replied and proceeded to walk out of the door. The last thing I heard was Pinkie saying, ‘fair cop,’ along with something shattering.

She can have her bad luck.

---

Hi, I’m the narrator. Since some events take place away from Flash’s point of view, I’ll be describing those until we get back to him. Anyway, Berry waited until he was sure Flash was out of the bakery before turning to his daughter, still very much enthralled by her muffin.

“So, what do you think about him?” Berry asked his daughter. Ruby looked up at him and shrugged lightly.

“I think he’s nice,” she said stealing a glance at her half eaten muffin, “he let me come up with a name for him, so that’s nice. Do you like him?”

“Yeah, he seems ok. So I was thinking about giving him a normal test period, see how things go. Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Testing is always good, unless it’s for school. Can we have cake after the test?” As Berry looked into his daughter’s eyes, he couldn’t help but smile and pat her head.

“Yes, we can have cake after the test,” he answered and felt his heart warm at Ruby’s cheer.

---

I’m not sure what I could have ever expected when I left Sugarcube Corner, but I can tell you that ‘nothing’ was not on that list. That is the most dumbfounding thing though, in this town where not even five minutes ago I saw a pony wrestle a Nightgaunt, and now there’s absolutely nothing going on anywhere in this town.

Just… wow!

That doesn’t mean that I’m going back to Dusk’s place anytime soon, I’m not crazy after all, so I decided to just wander around my own personal hell. After all, poke around a needle bin enough and you’ll eventually be poked right?

TWO HOURS OF NOTHING LATER! How is that possible?! It’s like this place is actively trying to drive me insane by playing against expectations! It was practically a relief when I saw smoke about a block away, as much as it makes me sound horrible. By the time I got there, there was only about three or four ponies watching it. Among them I saw the pony who knocked me out yesterday and his friend, who seemed to be desperately trying to wrap his mind around something.

“So… you wanted to get some caramel…” the friend started.

“Yup.”

“The shop didn’t have any…”

“Mhmm.”

“So you burn the shop down?”

“Of course not, don’t be stupid. I left the shop and burned this building to the ground.”

“…WHY?!”

“It deserved to die, it was weak.”

“You know, even if the stupid thing wasn’t condemned, I don’t think ‘weak’ would be an accurate way to describe a building.”

“Oh whine some more.” The poor house completely collapsed on itself with only me to really care. Not that it really mattered since another house fell from the sky on top of the remains.

“Whoops, sorry about that!” I didn’t even have to look up to know who the culprit was.

“See, everything worked out you baby,” the calm pegasus said pointing at the new house, “Now let’s go get ice cream.”

His friend stared at the house before he sighed and said, “Sure.” Then without so much as acknowledging that I was there they walked right on past me to get ice cream.

At the very least that was something that happened, so I was at least content to go home. Unfortunately I had barely taken one step before another weird thing happened.

The thing being a partridge.

I don’t know why, but that partridge looked really angry, or at least as angry as a bird can look. It stared at me, it laughed at me, and then walked right by me. I watched the bird walk away and felt a shiver go down my spine.

“Wait a minute, this is silly! I’m being scared by a partridge of all things! I’m going home.”

---

“Hey I’m home,” I called out when I got back to the library. As expected Dusk was still working on whatever machine he was working on when I left. Dusk slid out from under the machine and gave me a light wave, which is when I noticed that he didn’t have those wings of his.

“Oh hey… whatever your name is,” he replied, “you wouldn’t happen to know where the spanner wrench I kept on that table went would you?”

“Considering I’ve been out most of the day, no. I would check behind your ear though, since you somehow managed to get it stuck there.” Dusk reached behind his right ear and at least had the decency to be confused about that before getting back to work. I didn’t ask questions as to why, since I was more concerned about the machine he was making. “What are you making here anyway?”

“It’s a medical diagnostic machine that hospitals use to scan a pony’s body,” Dusk explained with a gesture to the half finished machine. “And when it’s done I’m gonna put you in it.”

“Of course you are, it’s not like you have anyone else to test it on,” I said with a sigh, “So why are you doing that again?” His response was to stare blankly at me.

“Are you serious? You’ve been here how many months-?”

“Only two,” I rectified.

“Whatever, and you haven’t realized there’s something wrong with you?”

“Oh no, I realize there’s something wrong with me. I’m still here and I haven’t left.” Not for lack of trying, of course.

“Not mentally moron, everyone here has something wrong with them mentally! I meant physically. In the two months I’ve known you how many times have you been beaten to near death, got punched halfway across the country, or anything else like that?”

“I lost count at twenty.”

“I SAW YOU GET EATEN BY A SHOGGOTH ONCE! Doesn’t that seem weird to you?!” At around this point I noticed Dusk was starting to grow really unhinged, though that seems to happen every Tuesday so what else is new?

“Yeah I remember that. It really sucked. It spat me out though, so it worked out. I guess it didn’t like how I tasted.”

Dusk’s left eye twitched a little and he said, “Shoggoths don’t have a sense of taste.”

“…Really?”

“Here they don’t! And that’s not even getting into Rainbow’s God Hoof, an artifact so powerful it sealed an arch demon away, and when you got hit by it you were only bruised for three days!”

“…Well, when you put it like that it does seem really weird. It must be that diet I’ve been on.” If there’s one joy in life I relish every time, it’s annoying Dusk Shine.

“Diet?!” he seemed practically ready to blow up when he took a deep breath and said, “You know what, it’s obvious you don’t care. Just go to your hole and I’ll get you when the machine is ready.”

“Sure dude, I was getting bored anyway.” I started making my way to the basement door when Dusk added something.

“By the way, Edgar went shopping for ice cream. He didn’t know what you liked so he said he’d just get rocky road for you. Is that alright?”

“Sure, whatever.” I almost closed the door when a thought hit me and I leaned out to ask, “Hey, do you know Berry Punch and his daughter?”

“Of course, everyone knows them. Half of the heart related injuries in Ponyville are because of Ruby Pinch.”

“Yeah, I figured that out. So... was Ruby Pinch actually born from a wine casket?”

“…What? No, that’s stupid. Why would you even think that?”

“Just making sure. You can never be sure in this town.” With that out of the way, I closed the door and went down to bed. It was still only 3 in the afternoon, but who cares?

---

Meanwhile, near an ice cream parlor, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were hanging out.

“We never do anything together any more Flutters,” Pinkie said, pausing mid bounce to fall to the ground, “I wonder why that is?”

“Wareware wa ryōhō no mono ni totemo isogashiku shite iru: Anata no pātī o mochi,-shin no hidzume no mono to iu, ore wa watashi no dōbutsu ya sorera no imaimashī kyūketsuki o motte iru,” Fluttershy replied.

“That’s true I suppose. Those vampires haven’t been giving you much trouble right?”

“No. Sore wa watashi ga ima ni chūi suru hitsuyō ga hashira no danshi.”

“I swear that mask is somewhere. I got Rainbow working on it, so hopefully something will come up.” A moment of silence passed between the two friends before Pinkie asked, “By the way, is your Japanese supposed to be bad? I’ve been wondering that for a while.”

Fluttershy stared blankly at the pink mare before blushing and bashfully replying, “Possibilites.”

“I don’t understand your taste in ice cream.” Pinkie and Fluttershy turned their attention to a pair of stallions a couple of tables away from them. The smaller of the two replied after a second.

“I don’t understand why you have to pick at everything. Did you even order any ice cream?”

“It’s coming, just hold your…” He went silent for a moment as they stared at each other silently, “I don’t know, horses I guess.”

“Fair enough.”

“We’ve been getting a lot of tourists around here haven’t we?” Pinkie asked once they stopped talking.

“`Tsūrisuto' wa `hensō no kanōsei akuma' to iu no wa chōdo betsu no hōhōdesu,” Fluttershy said.

“True enough I suppose. Mr. Gray on white looks legit, but that brown one looks suspicious. I’ll have to get Rainbow to investigate.”

“Hey Pinky, you realize we can hear you right?” The large gray one said, “You’re not even bothering to lower your voice.”

“THEY HAVE ADVANCED HEARING! Be careful Fluttershy, they might be able to read your thoughts!”

Fluttershy’s only possible response was to shake her head and mutter, “Baka.”

“Hey, that’s not very nice Fluttershy.” Just then Pinkie and Fluttershy felt the earth shake a little and looked back at the ice cream parlor to see a sight to behold.

“Sorry that took so long guys,” the waitress (a purple pegasus if you care) who set down an absolutely massive pile of ice cream in front of the gray pegasus said and pointed at the thing she just carried out. “Here’s your… what was it? A super, ultra, peta-wac, something or other ice cream Zel.”

“Thank you Panzy,” Zel said before starting to eat the ice cream.

“Holy crap, that must stretch up to the stratosphere!” The brown pegasus exclaimed while craning his neck back to look up at the massive pile of ice cream. He then turned to the waitress and asked, “How did you get it out of the shop Panz?”

“I’m very good at my job Cleft,” said with a small hint of pride, extended her hoof out and asked, “would you like more ice cream?” Cleft stared at the empty bowl in front of him before pushing it toward her with a nod.

“I feel like we’re losing focus here. Shouldn’t this be about what’s his face?” Pinkie asked Fluttershy.

“Hai,-sōdesu,” Fluttershy replied, though when she looked over at Pinkie she let out a small scream of horror.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

“P-Pātorijji," Fluttershy stated and pointed at Pinkie’s head. Pinkie didn’t even have to try and look on top of her head because the partridge hopped off of it and waddled menacingly toward the ponies at the ice cream shop. Zel only noticed it after it stopped and stared at him.

“The hell is this pheasant doing here?” he asked pointing his spoon at it.

“That’s not a pheasant, it’s a Chukar Partridge,” Cleft said and scratched his head, “though why it’s here is a good question.”

“Whatever it is, it’s making me mad. Get out of here!” Zel proceeded to toss a small amount of salt on the partridge.

“Bakame! Anata wa sore ga okotte iru yo!” Fluttershy shouted as loud as she could to no avail. The moment the salt hit the bird it flew at Zel and knocked him to the ground pecking him.

“Agh, get off of me! Stupid buzzard, I’ll turn you into barbeque!” Zel shouted as he fought the bird off.

“I always wondered why you went on about partridges all the time Flutters,” Pinkie said absently, “Now I get it.”

“Is my ice cream coming soon?” was all that Cleft had to say about the situation.

---

Will the devilish partridge get the one up on it's eternal nemesis? Will anything involving the main characters come around at some point? And how many Ill placed references can be stuffed into these stupid little things?! Find out next time on this Bizarre Adventure!

Author's Note:

Well, there's that. Honestly not as good as I'd like it, but it's a start. Part 2 of this will have to come later.

As always, any kind of criticism is appreciated.

Comments

[Siras-chi]

IT'S ALIVE!

[Baree]

I didn't get any of that. Do I have to turn in my nerd card or something?

[punisher143]

5130055
Nah, as long as you understood the base story you'll be alright.

[Pickleless]

*Read this.*
*Remember nothing of the story.*
Eh, helps me to relate to Flash.
I should really reread this though.