..........

Can I kill him now?

8399247
Nope, he'd just hide in his dungeon. :)
With Rider.
And instruments of play and fun.

8398427

Told ya!

Oh my.  It’s been a long time since a story actually made me drool. My this is simply exquisite. Fix up that abhorrent punctuation and I’ll be happy to add you to my black lagoon. Such a scrumptious morsel. Luna on a spit this is dark. And soooo deliciously creepy. I must admit I was confused about where you were taking this, but I must commend your choice of direction for the plot. A delicacy outshining even the genius of Sgt Sprinkle. I must offer my most profound compliments to the chef.

Zzz

10033318

okay then! Thanks,

Whoa, what's with the multiple comments been deleted? Also I'm thinking of writing a story that's inspired by this one with Fancy Pants as the MC, I'll credit you in the story's long description.

11481731
The comments were an argument and I'd love that.
What'd you think of the story?
Thx for reading and commenting.

11487225
It was fine and with the version of this story I'm doing will go along the lines of the cupcakes version of Fancy Pants, plus it'll be in 3rd person pov. Also... something happens to Fleur that Fancy will do something about it. You'll just have to wait and see when I published the story.

11487238
Just fine? Well, good luck with your story and send me a message when it's done.
:)

11488270
I will.

Love this! Good job. You have quite a few spelling errors that slipped through ( and a case of italics for several paragraphs they weren’t intended on) but it didn’t take away from the story as a whole.

I enjoy the dichotomy of his above-ground self - as a socialite, as a master, as a husband - getting kinder and less pony-racist as his underground/sadistic self Gets worse.

11568784
THANK YOU!

I'm very glad you read and commented, maybe this will someday get noticed enough to be popular, but I can only hope. I will go over it to find the italics issues and the spelling issues as I didn't have an editor through most of it. I appreciate the feedback and noticing of the difference in his personality.

Took a few nights, but I finished reading it.

I'm gonna start with some genuine positive critique. I think, for the most part, it's very well written. There are some formatting, punctuation, and typo errors peppered throughout the story (including a few instances of mixing its with it's), but it's not super distracting. While I know this is a complete story, I suggest that if you want to advertise this story to others (like you have with me), you should go back through it and maybe fix some of them up. Or, get a live editing done with one of your editors that doesn't mind the subject matter.

Further, characterization for the cast is decent, as I could have easily seen this as a psudo-romcom starring 'the most interesting stallion in Canterlot' and his relationship with Fleur. I mean, that is what it kind of is, but... yeah, the subject manner. Having him slowly change his view on class and ponies as he slowly developed his fondness for Fleur to full on love was actually kinda sweet at times, despite the classism and tribalism. I'm not very fond of sex stories, so I ended up skimming through those scenes, just to make sure I picked up any important details and character interactions, and like in normal scenes, they worked well enough to aid in characterization. That is to say, they were seemingly written well enough (seemingly, since I did skim those bits). They kinda fit for the most part, despite not really caring about said scenes in a significant way.

Which brings me to my biggest issue with the story; the subject matter. Not the psudo-romcom or sexual stuff, but the stuff they definitely earned its "gore" and "violence" tag. I'm not a squeamish person, so the actual acts don't shock me that well, in all honesty. If anything, I can praise the scenes for being decently descriptive.

However, I do have two problems with said subject matter. The first, more personal problem is that this is, without a doubt, torture porn. Not horror. I didn't feel scared or disturbed in any real or significant way. I just felt kind of angry and a little gross for having read it, which is not something I should be feeling. Honestly, I was kinda hoping, despite your implication that it was inspired by 'Cupcakes', that it may be more of a "Jack-the-Ripper' type of tale, where the suspense and selecting targets, and feeling nervous about the main heroine's interaction with the main character, took center stage. That's on me, though, and can be overlooked. The second problem, however, can't, and it all comes back to how I felt the story could have potentially been. The way I see it, instead of fear, terror, or abject disgust for the "horror" scenes, all I truly thought deep down inside (aside from a little gross and angry) was "what purpose does this really have in the story at large?" What I mean is, if you were to take said scenes out, I honestly belive nothing of value would have been lost. Sure, about three or four chapters worth of writing would be gone, but what would have resulted was probably an excellent story that focuses on characterization of a damaged noble that slowly opens his jaded heart up with a slightly less jaded mare, with topics of classism and status to help push the boundary into uncomfortable, yet interesting topics.

Though, with that said, what would you get if you would have done the inverse? Removed the psudo-romcom and sex, leaving the "horror" behind? Honestly, a very decently written and descriptive, but ultimately boring, torture porn that has very little value other than to shock its readers.

In the end, while I don't really like this story, I don't entirely hate it either. That, in of itself, is more of a testament to what I felt was actually good about it and how the writing held up, than the actual subject matter.

Eeeh, it was a fine story, up until the end that is. I honestly loved how you characterized Fancy and Fleur. Maybe I'm a bit biased because I personally like gore stories(including gratuitous gore), but it helped paint Fancy as a truly deranged and insane pony. He isn't just killing for the sake of killing, it is obvious that he gets something from this.
But now the ending:this is 100% subjective, but I expected the last chapter to be about Fancy getting married and raising a foal with Fleur, leaving his past behind. It made sense to me, because he fulfilled his "deepest, darkest fantasy" while at the same time it also offered some sort of redemption for him. At the same time, it would have also paint him more humane(?) Instead of the cliche "deranged psychopath that keeps tortured and broken ponies as pets". It's a shame because right until the end, Fancy really felt like a multi faceted character.
Overall, not a bad story at all, but with a disappointing ending for me.

11793808
Thanks for reading and the comments.
The reason the story ended the way out did was two parted.
1) he got a taste of what he wanted and psychopaths are the height of narcissism.
2) I planned on making a sequel wherein he does stop. I may still. Only time and real life will tell.