And The Award For Best Princess Goes To...

by deadpansnarker

It's Awards Night!

Welcome to the Equines, everypony. Hope you're having a good evening. We set new records last year with our viewership, with special rises in the elusive Minotaur and Breezie demographics, and hope to continue the trend this time around.

You join us during the latter portion of the ceremony (where have you been)? There's already been enough tears and cheers for an entire highlights reel, but now we've reached the climax of a wonderful presentation. For you see, this is when... oh, heck. My words alone can't do it justice. I pass you over now to somepony far more qualified to commentate on proceedings than I, News Caster. Over to you, Newsie...

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The scene is set. The tension in the air is palpable. Even Pinkie Pie has taken a rare night off from being her usual manic self, although she's chewing her hooves a hundred-to-the-dozen. Pity poor Rainbow Dash sitting adjacently though, sitting in a giant heap of her clippings.

Twilight Sparkle clears her throat, and strides over to the microphone confidentially. Her co-presenter for this most grand of evenings was supposed to be Flash Sentry, but after discovering his latent unpopularity with the attendees, he unexpectedly decided to pull out... allowing Spike to take his place.

Besides, the baby dragon had agreed to perform clean-up duty after the ceremony was over, which kind of sealed the deal for the organisers. When you have the Cakes as caterers, things are bound to get a little messy, so sweeping up all the muffin crumbs and frosted icing afterwards is always a top priority.

The previous awards having already been hoofed out, like best Cutie Mark Consultants (a shared honour between Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo) and most colourful transformation (Thorax, obviously), it was time for the major prize to be presented. The mane event. The big kahuna. The only one anypony really cared about. In other words, it meant an awful lot.

Yep, this was the moment to formally announce who could honestly claim the prestigious title of 'Best Princess'. You might think this would be a rich and varied field of contention, but in reality there were only two potential recipients of this honour.

Flurry Heart was deemed too young and destructive to be part of the race, Cadence had resigned from the vote in protest at such an 'outrageous' decision and Twilight had to forego nomination as part of her agreement to compere proceedings that evening. After she'd gone to all the trouble of clearing a space on her dusty bookshelf for the alicorn-shaped statuette as well. Tch.

Anyway, the time had arrived, and the envelope-opening could commence. Being a down-to-earth, well-bred sort of pony, Twilight had humbly given her trusty assistant Spike the opportunity to unveil the winner of the most important prize of the night. He still would've preferred a small pay increase and a hour's extra time off during the week, but hey... beggars can't be choosers.

After the standard banter before the announcement was made had elapsed ("Usually, I breathe on envelopes to make them disappear, I'm not used to unsealing them!"), the card was partially taken out, and the winner's name was on the verge of the dragon's lips... but hold on, do we have a problem?

A hesitant Spike studied the card in great detail, as if keeping the crowd in suspense. The massed throngs responded appreciatively by laughing in unison. That Spike and his wacky hi-jinx!

He nervously turned to Twilight to ask her a question, but all she was interested in doing was perpetuating the facade that everything was running like clockwork.

"Spike, just tell us what it says! You can be as funny as you like back at the castle, but not here!"

"B-but T-Twi..."

"Oh Spike! You and your hilarious shenanigans! Whatever would we do without you?! However, now's the time to stop kidding around, and tell everypony who the winner is! Come on, we're waiting... and you do want to go on that week's vacation to the Dragon Kingdom, don't you?

"Yeow! I'll be good! I'll be good! And the award for Best Princess goes to... Luna!!"

Absolute pandemonium in the gallery. Every single pony in attendance cheers as the Moon Princess graciously accedes to the platform, shaking Twilight's hoof firmly and giving a still-agitated Spike a little noogie.

When the vicinity is clear of naught but her glorious presence, Luna spreads her wings out wide and begins her prepared speech, almost too emotional to pronounce each of her Olde Equestrian phrases.

"What thou hath bestowed upon us this evening, after all thou hath done to thy fellow ponies in the past, is nothing short of incredible. That thou would elect such an undeserving pony as thyself as thy's favourite royal truly shows that redemption is possible, thou must only believe in thyself and thy can achieve anything. Just follow thy's dreams, banish thy's nightmares, and miracles will occur..."

Much tittering in the audience at that self-referential joke. For a mare that can come across as staid and stoic sometimes, Luna has a surprisingly well-developed sense of humour. The speech continued.

"First of all, thou'd like to mention Princess Twilight Sparkle for always believing in thou, even when no other pony would. She helped save the world from thy's hateful wrath, restored the populace's faith in thou on the first Nightmare Night after thy's long incarceration was over, and even saved thou from torturing thyself for past sins after agreeing to enter thy's dreams. Thy will always be grateful for making thou the mare she is today, and thou thanks you from the bottom of her heart."

Twilight grinning sheepishly off-stage, waving slightly embarrassed at the standing ovation she's getting, while all Spike can do is facepalm in frustration. Like he knows something... anyway, Luna hasn't finished speaking yet.

"Also, who could forget thy's wonderful, darling, cherished sister. She may have sent thou to the moon for a millenia, but thou knows that she did this in thy's best interest, since thou was a complete terror. After thy's long-awaited return and rehabilitation, she graciously agreed to let bygones be bygones, and forgive thou for trying to destroy her and shroud Equestria in a cloak of everlasting blackness. Now, we rule the world together, and things couldn't be more amicable between the pair of us. Thou am, of course, referring to..."

"Hold on, there's been a mistake!!"

The assembled ponies, all ready to stand and clop once more, are abruptly halted by an exhausted Ms Harshwhinny (the president of the award committee) bustling up onto the stage, with yet another card in her hoof.

Pausing for breath momentarily, she grabs the microphone off a startled Luna to make a shocking announcement to the large crowd: "Luna isn't the real winner! I have the correct envelope here... and as you can see, the actual prize should be given to..."

The confused audience do their utmost to strain their eyes and read the name printed on the card Harshwhinny is brandishing, only the topmost section closest to the platform being able to make it out and pass on the pertinent information to those seated behind them.

Gasps of amazement all around. Fluttershy covering her face, while stating repeatedly "Oh my". Applejack shaking her head in shame at such inept buffoonery. Rarity fainting nearby on a randomly appearing couch. Starlight Glimmer, as the new girl, thinking to herself how much better organised things were in Our Town.

For, written in inarguable block capital letters, wasn't the name of the Princess Of The Moon, but the Princess Of The Sun.

C-E-L-E-S-T-I-A, in case there was any lingering doubt.

Immediate chaos unfurled. Formerly docile ponies yelling "Stitch up!" while tearing apart chairs and throwing them at each other. Alternate 'boos' and yays competing which each other for precedence over the new result, a true 50/50 split.

And, amongst all this sheer bedlam, two royal sisters quarreling publicly onstage, all vestiges of 'Friendship' long since foregone in their unseemly sibling rivalry.

"... You just couldn't let thou have this one could you, Sunbutt?"

"You nearly destroyed Equestria, Moonface! Did you really think you'd warrant such a major honour this early on your return?"

"Oh, save it! You're never going to let that one go, are you... you're just jealous of thou and her awesome night powers!"

"Erm, hello? Light always beats Darkness remember? And why should I 'let it go'? You almost caused eons eternal of suffering and woe to grip the nation!"

"Huh, they would've gotten over it."

"...You haven't changed much at all, have you?"

"Have too!!"

"Have not!!"

On and on the squabbling went, both in the gallery and onstage, until Harshwhinny's mumbled explanation... "U-umm... we got it mixed up with the earlier award for 'Best Mane'. Sorry about that...". seemed somewhat of an irreverent afterthought.

In the meantime, a guffawing Spike commented to Twilight behind the curtain where they were both taking shelter. "Hey, this evening turned out to be a lot more fun than I thought it'll be! I might even ask to present it again next year..."

A far sterner Twilight spun around to face her giggling companion and said. "Glad you're finding it so amusing, Spike. Hope you're still in a good mood later on when you have to clean up this entire shambles... remember your promise?"

"Oh." Like somepony had surgically removed his laughbox at that very moment, Spike instantaneously shut up on recalling his earlier vow, and sagged his head in defeat. It would be a long time before he had the strength to lift another comic book again after sweeping up this mess.

Nodding with satisfaction at her successful attempt to curtail her assistant's inappropriate joviality, Twilight turned back to the current state of lawlessness. Unable to decide which to deal with first... The feuding sisters on stage... The wanton destruction of the distinguished ballroom... or the unruly mob of malcontents who were even now gathering torches and pitchforks, the lavender alicorn decided to get to the root of the matter.

"Who's responsible for this grievous error, anyway?!"

As if to answer her question, the two 'accountants' responsible for distributing the envelopes that night could be sighted around the corner.

"D-duh, I don't understand... did I do good, or not?" Derpy scratched her head in confusion, unsure if the vociferous gathering in front of her was a good indication of her success.

"You did marvellously, my dear. I couldn't have planned it any better myself..." Discord patted his befuddled cross-eyed 'partner in crime' on the head, before blinking himself smirkingly back to his house floating in limbo.

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...Erm, that's all we've got time for this evening! Next up, horse racing as you've never seen it before... with Diamond Dog jockeys! Who'll win the pot of gems in the steeplechase? Wait and see! G-Goodbye!

SCREEN GOES BLANK, INTERMITTENTLY HUMMING

Author's Note:

A little comedic one-shot I did, concerning an incident at the you-know-what the other day.

Hope you enjoyed!

Comments

[Matthewl419]

Interesting...

[OmniFox]

Flurry Heart should've won the award!!!

[J-90]

Ok read.

"Light always beats Darkness"? *Pfft* Celly should also know that "brighter the light darker the shadow". There is no winner in that in the end.

[howard035]

I always knew Celestilalaland was a more deserving winner than Lunalight.

[Princeling]

Discord should have won. Or Princess Big Mac.

[Kikio3000]

Princess Spike!

[lord Martiya]

He still would've preferred a small pay increase and a hour's extra time off during the week, but hey... beggars can't be choosers.

Smart guy.

"You did marvellously , my dear. I couldn't have planned it any better myself..." Discord patted his befuddled cross-eyed 'partner in crime' on the head, before blinking himself smirkingly back to his house floating in limbo.

So, Discord was innocent for once?
Also, it's a travesty, Twilight Sparkle is Best Princess.