- Member Since 13th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen May 5th, 2023
Unending Suffering
I feel nothing; enjoyment is a myth, and happiness is fleeting. Every day is a struggle to find meaning and value in my actions.
Unending Suffering
Joined 13th Nov, 2013 ·
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Ok i get your toning it down but this should be mature or teen since deadspace is a 18
*sees story title* Dead Space, eh? Sure why not. I'm up to some hardcore gruesome action.
*sees rating* Wat?
7744329 its ok if u need a hand i can help i got the game and woop woop first try hard 1 gun i.e plasma cutter i buckibg hated the regenerator
Good start let's see how it turns out
7744329 question what is twilights part in this pm me please if you can answer
Oooooooooo if starbursts a gurd can i be the engineer
I look forward to reading more. What you have here is excellent.
Hands?
Wait, do these zombie-ponies have hands and claws for reals?
Otherwise, the story seems pretty solid overall, has a nice pacing and is really well written from what I can see. The only thing that I would say is that the chapters are a bit short for y taste, but I think that's only me. I'm going to follow this, just to see how everything goes from here, it's a nice setting for a story like this; keep it up!
7761531
And Nercromorphs don't have spikes protruding from there palms... Wait they do lol it's the author's choice how they look it's our job to read and enjoy
nice work looking forward to the next chapter
7762572
Hey, I was just confused
7762964
Sorry it was just a bit mean
but ur good 
Woo now that was a ride happy landing on soft bodies lol
She's is ready for the next test
Well interesting start so far. Though felt that we didn't really get to know Eclipse enough to care about his early death. Also think there should have been more of build up for zombies.
So I read through it and here's what I think.
First of all, it's a bit fast paced for me. I'm not saying you need 50 000 words before the action starts, but I felt like the story just basically dropped me into the middle of the conflict with no backstory whatsoever. I personally like adventure stories (or any story for that matter) to have some sort of build up to the actual adventure or conflict begins especially when a new alternate universe is created regardless if it's a crossover or not. This gives me a chance to have some understanding of the characters themselves and will whet my appetite to follow them through the story; moreover, it gives me a reason to feel for the character and to be interested in their struggles throughout the story. Without this, I don't have any real interest at all in what happens to them as I don't know them. I suggest trying to implement some character development soon.
Additionally, someone needs to edit some of the mistakes out. Because the chapters have been very short so far, the errors are quite noticeable; even the smaller ones. Something like this, however, can throw readers off entirely:
I underlined the word in question for emphasis. Overall, there needs to be some ironing out of errors like this. Like I said, the chapters are short so these errors stand out more especially since this is towards the beginning of the story when you're trying to capture the reader's attention and pique their interest.
That being said, I do not dislike the story. I believe that if you further develop the characters in future chapters and edit out the errors I could really like this story. There's definitely potential here so I eagerly await to see how it unfolds. Please do not take this as a form of attack; I am trying to provide constructive criticism on how I believe the story could be improved.
Have a good day and keep writing!
-Tony Montana
7770557 Granted, first game was like that as well. Heck, at least Starburst speaks while in the game the main character is a silent protagonist.
This story is okay, it could deal with starting earlier in the main character's timeline.
I'm enjoying this story so far. Not as fast as dead space normally is butt I'm enjoying having Starburst talk without others being around. I'm looking forward to see the outcome of this story. :)
well that was some ending to this chapter
This is pretty good. I like it so far.
Hmm interesting so far but one question though, what is Eden? So far my guess is Eden Prime from Mass Effect but I could be wrong. Eden Prime is a colony planet in case you're wondering.
All necromorphs have hands and claws. No matter what species they originated from. In fact the only necromorph creature without hands and claws is the hive mind.
I just wonder though. How could someone forget they could fly if they had wings? I wonder if you'll make any cameos like from the Dead Space trilogy or the MLP universe.
Oh so that's what Eden is? Isn't the planet that Equestria resides called Equis? I also know why you put Twilight in this story now. I bet that Star sees hallucinations of Dove later on. It wouldn't be Dead Space without hallucinations.
7814521 Officially there has not yet been a canon name for the name of the planet that Equestria is, and I think Equis is just the more used headcanon for other stories.
7814715
Oh, OK. No wonder I read about Equis being the planet's name often.
Ok, I am checking this story out. It is good so far but one thing: When you said mannequins, could you possibly replace that word? It isn't exactly an error, but we are talking about ponys here. I've heard "Ponyquins" before. Maybe something else "Horsequins"? Forget that. Perhaps "Equinequins"?
Ok, I can see a few small mistakes, and some things I will nitpick on in this chapter.
1: “What’s happening?” Starburst asked in a panic.
There should be a "!?" To emphasize the fact that she is "in a panic" though it is not necessary.
2: "We’re under fire! Get Eclipse up here and jumpstart the power!” The captain called, gesturing for some of the technicians to escape while the could.
*they could.
3: of the giant window being cracked into a million pieces. There were many hooves trying to break open the glass, although no bodies could be seen. The hands were bloody and in many cases, missing most of their skin.
hands? Since when does a pony have hands?
4: Several more undead ponies popped out from the end of the hallway there were running in. There were also plenty more coming up from their behind. don't you mean they?
5: Once a path was cleared for the duo, they ran to be reunited with what remained of their crew.The Captain and Lily quickly ran over the monsters, which started getting back on their legs.
6: One of the undead creatures stepped forward and grabbed Eclipse, slowly digging into his coat with their long claws. He let loose a blood curdling scream as the monster pulled him back into the pile of collapsed monsters.
They have claws? I thought they were undead ponies. Why would it have claws?
That was all I could catch. Although the whole zombie thing seemed a little sudden. Still, it is the beginning of the story, so not as bad as it would have been towards the middle.
7822499
This is a crossover adaptation of a game called Dead Space.
Ok chapter, pretty short, and the action feels a bit... repetitive and unoriginal. It seems like through the story the character has to: Go through a room, kill zombies, go through another room, kill more zombies, go up an elevator, kill zombies. Maybe something a little more... unique? exciting? fresh? I don't know the right word. It isn't terrible, but It isn't too addictive either. I can't find any errors in this chapter (I am getting pretty tired though.)
One weird thing I noticed this chapter.
“Dove was… is one of my best friends. She (?) was on the Merrychippus as an entertainer, performing magic tricks for the crew, to keep spirits high. I haven’t seen her yet, and…” what is with the "(?)"? Beyond that, I got nothing. Although as I said before, I am tired.
Anyways, I guess it is good enough to watch, although as I said last chapter, It seems a bit repetitive and unoriginal. Maybe it is just me though.
Hmm, well written I'll give you that, the actually genre of the story (space exploration) is not my personal cup of tea, but it is well within my appreciation range, but this universe is far from what I read, my personal interests are normally located in an mlp universe closer to the shows depictions.
I will read two more chapters than I will make up my mind if I will continue to read.
Its good has me interested about the backstory but I am going to read something else, stories good, not the type I read though, anyone that likes dead space and mlp will love this cross over, I will give it a thumbs up but I will more than likely not continue to read. Personal preference and a tad bot of stubbornness has stopped me, don't let it get to you. I'm an asshole to please, as I like very specific story types.
Well done, you two. I think it'll turn out nicely!
Improvements:
Chapter 1:
"the UNS Merrychippus is point five parsecs away" change point five to 0.5 for better reader flow
More about enviroment so that the reader can more easiy follow whats happening in the story
give the reader more of a feel of starburst's and eclipse's relaionship
Implement earlier what races the different ponies are (if you want to, this is just my preference)
Chapter 2:
Maybe explain what an apparatus is to the reader. If the story is from starburst's perspektive then dont explain if she doesnt know what it is.
Chapter 3:
"Being alone with these monsters was not only unsettling, it was disturbing." Maybe refrase that. Explain why it is disturbing.
Generally i would recommend maybe trying to implement metaphors in your writing, for example to explain in more vivid detail what starburst is feeling.
Chapter 4:
"Star had always been told she was a very brave pony. It was one of the reasons why she had always dreamed of being in the Royal Guard." Maybe rephrase that
"(...)She was a mare that scarcely showed any emotions, yet everypony knew she was kind and generous." Show this through dialouge and behavior instead of telling the reader outright what she's like. Or insert this description in a better way or at a better time.
Wow this is great. Well done on descriptions!
I love the story, I think it's creative and the execution is done very well. I just wish the the characters looks would be explained when new ones are introduced, but thats just my preference and I don't want to ruin the story you have, I cant wait to read more.
Thank you for using "parsecs" correctly.
Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry
What a twist!
7814498 The reason necromorphs have hands/claws is that theyre mutated humans the mutated dogs(from DS3 i didnt play the first two so i don't know if they have zombie space aids dogs) have no claws only tendrils that fire literal space aids at you... checkmate EDIT: also i did play a small bit of DS2 what about the jihadist babies
Another abandoned story... Shame.
7956860 True, I just see so many stories that are suddenly not being written on anymore. With no indication that the writer is even alive, let alone is considering maybe possibly thinking about the possibility of possibly writing another chapter.
I am just praying to Luna that you are correct here.
7956860 You probably should mark the story as on Hiatus.
7956972 Ok, just Pinkie Promise that you won't become another one of those author's who spontaneously abandons their stories.
I hate that kind of writer