- Member Since 18th Jul, 2016
- offline last seen Sep 4th, 2017
Onward Twilight
Just an awesome pony, writing stories and fanfictions for all to dislike.
Onward Twilight
Joined 18th Jul, 2016 ·
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Will read. Sounds like fun.
Interesting!~
Please continue this! 
I'm giving the first like. 
I think it's worth pursuing.
I don't have any clear ideas for you, but maybe you could write this very same chapter from AJ's perspective? And then some chapters where the two of them hang out and one of them starts feeling for the other?
Looking forward to more, if you keep this story going.
looking good for your first fic :)
Here, let me add them on some groups.
This seems interesting. I am going to track this and see were this goes.
Sorry I haven't been replying actively!
7408120 Thanks! I'm excited to see what you think of the next chapter.
7408186 Will do! Already started the next chapter! Thanks for the support, it's always helpful!
7408188 Haha, great minds think alike! Was already planning on writing from Applejack's perspective. Don't worry, I promise it'll get a little intimate later
. Also, I am definitely planning on keeping it going. Thanks!
7408676 Thanks! As this is my first fic, I have to thank you all for all the support already!
7408679 Thank you! I'm excited to see where it goes as well, as I don't really have the story planned out quite yet
but I'm sure it'll solve some mysteries (hint hint 
).
7408721 Can't wait to read the rest.
But I appreciate it. 
And I wouldn't call myself a "great mind"
Not bad at all. Where I come from, this is considered a very well written story.
I'm excited to see where all this is going. You should definitely continue. I haven't seen any good AppleDash fics in a while, which is sad for me to say. One of my favorite relationships in the show
Between all of her duties as captain of every sports team, when does she have time to party and/or sleep?
You're going to great lengths to set Rainbow Dash up as having a perfect life, and it's coming across as contrived. The above example is just one of many. You have an unemancipated minor living alone in what seems to be a fairly spacious house, because her parents are conveniently dead, which is great because they were assholes anyway. How did she fall through the cracks of the system and wind up living alone? How does she support herself? She comes across as an irresponsible party girl; I don't buy for a second that someone like this could live alone and not die of starvation (or from being suffocated by piles of dirty laundry). How can she afford this ritzy private school?
And of course she has a perfect singing voice because why not?
It sounds like you came up with the idea without putting enough thought into the specifics of the premise. Those are things you have to challenge yourself on when you're planning out the story. Rainbow Dash lives alone. Okay, why does she live alone? Because her parents are dead. Okay, why are they dead? Why is she still allowed to live by herself despite being a minor; how does she support herself; what's her income? Try to come up with plausible justifications for things like that, and if you find that you can't, then you need to rethink the premise of your story.
You also need to plan ahead of time. It's not a good idea to just write and post the first in a multi-chapter story without knowing where you're gonna take it or how you're gonna get there. Plan these things out; you don't have to know exactly what will happen when, but at least sketch out the direction and path that future chapters will take.
As a final suggestion, the "character name pun" shtick for chapters is going to get old very quickly, and I urge you to avoid it.
EDIT: One last thing that bothered me: If the school has as strict a uniform code as you're making it out to have, then Applejack shouldn't be able to get away with baring her midriff.
7409211 First of all, I want to thank you for your constructive criticism, I appreciate it.
Secondly, wait for the next chapter! There might be something coming that answers all your questions.
But I'm going to answer your questions in order anyway.
1.
A: Although that sounds like a lot of work, did you ever stop to consider how many sports teams there actually were at the school? After all, it is a private academic school, not a big public football/soccer/hockey/etc. fanatic base. My vision would be that there about three official varsity "teams", while there are different sports you can do solo and that are not technically considered "varsity". I think you'll have to wait for the next chapters to find her schedule. I would also like to point out that the party she went to was scheduled on a weekend.
2.
A: I would like to point out that in the story I did state that specifically, "that usually meant working late nights at the bar", which proves false minority and that she can afford food and such. WARNING: SPOILER Rainbow Dash, in this world, is not a minor, but an eighteen-year-old senior about to go to college because she was held back a year. I wasn't going to introduce this until the next chapter, (proving my patience point) but she is also on a scholarship, allowing her to afford the quote unquote, "ritzy private school".
3.
Yep. Exactly. Why not? I don't think it's that big of a deal and it actually helps support the story later.
4.
A: I think I answered some of these questions earlier. But this is why I was talking about patience. There is a lot that I am going to reveal later in the story.
5.
A: Okay, I see where you're coming from. I'll keep that in mind, but it doesn't mean I'm 100% totally blanked out on what to do next. Thanks anyways.
6.
A: Yeah okay, I think I'm going to have to agree with you there. I'll work on it - but thanks for pointing that out.
Overall, I would say just to wait for more chapters, or if you're not interested, that's fine with me. But I really do appreciate the help, considering that this is my first fic. I'll see what I can do with the rest of the story to tweak it, and hopefully answer some of your questions.
Thanks!
Also, a big thanks to: 7409169 and 7409044 ! I love hearing that you are enjoying the story. And I know, AppleDash is just my favorite ship on the show
Where is the cover art from?
7409431
Simply being on a sports team is an incredible commitment. Being captain of a sports team, moreso. Being captain of three would be a downright Herculean undertaking. I'm not saying Dash couldn't do it, but it's at odds with the kind of lifestyle you've established her as having. More on that later.
1. I'm admittedly assuming that this story is set in the United States, and I could well be wrong on that, but to work as a waitress or bartender in a bona-fied bar (as opposed to working as a server in a restaurant that serves alcohol), you generally need to be 21 as opposed to 18. You might consider changing this to her just being a waitress, maybe somewhere that lets her make hella tips.
And she would have to make hella tips if she's going to support herself on her own income.
2. While you don't need to be laser-specific in laying out the character's schedule, biography, and daily routine, you can and should at least establish those basic facts about your premise in the first chapter. It is confusing as hell why an orphan on a waitress's wage is living by herself and attending private school (incidentally, I just realized that she's been an orphan for eight years; has she seriously been living in this house the whole time, or was she a ward of the state until she came of age and inherited it; what is going on with her life?). If she's on a scholarship, say so. If she's not a minor, make that clear. It doesn't necessarily need to be through narrative exposition. You established that Pinkie Pie is her girlfriend and spends the night sometimes, right? So maybe she's there when Dash wakes up, and she's making breakfast or whatever, and you can have some of that background detail come out in conversation between the characters. Like this:
That's super-rough, but you see what I'm going for, right? You set some of that up, and you have Dash's inner monologue muse on some of it. "The job was rough, but necessary; Dash didn't have mom and dad around to pay the bills anymore, and some
ponybody had to keep the electric company off her ass. At least the athletic scholarship took care of some of the financial burden."I'm actually gonna withdraw this particular criticism. My point was that having a character with a perfect singing voice is usually indicative of, well... Let's just say it's a long-standing trope among writers of self-inserts, and it's the kind of thing that often sends readers' eyes rolling.
But then I remembered that this is Rainbow Dash, who does have a kick-ass voice. So. Criticism withdrawn.
But I will say this; it's odd that Fluttershy has apparently never heard her sing with her kick-ass voice before. How long have they known each other?
I'm gonna close out my comments with this last thought. I'm not saying it's impossible for Rainbow Dash to live alone, maintain steady employment, and be captain of three sports teams while balancing all of that against the tribulations of high school. But it would be monumentally taxing for an eighteen year old, and it would take a far greater toll on them than we see depicted here. If Dash is working full-time and playing sports while going to school, then parties shouldn't just be a weekend thing; they should be a once-in-a-blue-moon thing, because she would not have the time except on rare occasions. This would not be an upbeat social butterfly. This'd be a tired, burned out, maybe mildly depressed and lonely kid who's distant from her friends because she has to withdraw from most social activity just to work full-time and keep her head above water, with a relationship that's complicated by her life and busy schedule. And that could lead to the kind of conflict that'd wind up driving her into Applejack's hoo - uh, arms.
She can be Rainbow Dash and all of those things, and the story would arguably be better for it. Seeing her cope with that adversity, and overcome it? That's definitely worth telling, and reading about.
Anyway, I wish you luck with your story. Thank you for being so open to criticism; usually when I leave reviews like this I get responses in the vein of "HOW DARE YOU!!!!! MY CREATIVE VISION IS GOLDEN AND LILAC-SCENTED AND UR A PREP N A POZER WHO IZ JELOZZZ!!!!!!!666666"
For what it's worth, I see potential here. I liked the little banter that Dash and Shy have about the party; that's good stuff, good character detail. And it's an elegant way of dropping some backstory, too. Letting it come out in dialogue. Good stuff.
Goooood stuff.
7409668 The cover art was found on Pinterest by RosyApples, although I did just search "appledash human" on the googles machine and scrolled some. Click here for the link.
7410013 Haha! I see where you're coming from, and I'll work on it. Would you feel better if it was a bar/grill instead? Or should I drop the whole bar shtick altogether?
Major spoilers ahead, but I just wanted to clear this one up:
Another thing I'd like to clear up is that her parents weren't actually "assholes". Rainbow Dash is a slightly depressed kid, as you thought, who entered herself in all these different sports to feel better about herself. Her acting like they are "assholes" anyway is just a coping mechanism she's using to deal with the actually very sad death of her parents. It may not be healthy, but she's moving up in the world, trying to forget about it. She's trying to remind herself that it's not necessarily impacting her life anymore, because it's been eight years.
Leading to the eight years thing, I would think she hasn't necessarily been 100% alone as an unaccompanied minor. I think I'm done with the spoilers for now, but she did live with her aunt for a period of time, who, coincidentally, didn't like her brother or her sister-in-law, and therefore hated their child, who, "coincidentally" (again), is Rainbow Dash. (I say after I'm "done" with spoilers.)
Does this sound too much like Harry Potter?
COINCIDENTALLY!!! YOU SAW NOTHING!!
Also, I'll look into the sports thing. You're right, that is a big commitment.
But thanks, and I hope you keep reading and enjoy the story. I appreciate your feedback!
P.S. what does gold even smell like? I mean I know they have the soaps and all but...
Really loving this story so far. In my eyes, it's written perfectly and should definitely be praised. I'll see if I can't find some groups to add this to.
Anyway, big thumbs up from me! Keep up with the good work!
Hell yeah you need to continental sorry about that I have been having surgery done to replace some of my damaged major arteries due to a stage 3 blood cancer very severe. But my cancer has been taken care of as of this moment I am fine for the time being I just hope a can at least last 6 more years so I can at least make it out of collage with my Bachelors degree but no need to worry I am just fine with my life and all of the misfortunes it has brought me as long as I have a way to find peace I don't care when I die after my 6 years are up I don't care when how or where I die as long as ade people happy in my life time buy yes you should continue this book even more
It is really good at worst is a few spelling mistakes but it is a very versatile story and I love it
I love how I tracked this and it did not show me the last chapters at all and only notify me of this one, and people say Youtube sub box is broken
Great TWO chapters, keep it up.
Well, in the last chapter it says "doorbell ring" or something but here is "knock"
Just to let u know
7435081
Thanks for the heads-up! Fixed.
Rarity would make pajamas
Great three chapters. I am staying intrigued to read more...
Oh how convenient! There's another chapter.
Getting a sense of deja vu.
And I don't quite get what you're trying to get AJ to say here. I know that femme is French for woman so is just AJ thinking something like but there women?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sunlight?? Or is Twi Bi and was with Flash...Don't answer that.
Great chapter.
And so the plot thickens. Well don't keep us waiting to long.
7561174 Haha, for the sake of not spoiling the story, I won't. Thank you for reading! It's always great to see a familiar face in the comments.
7563400 Hopefully, it won't be another month before the next chapter comes out again haha! I'll work on making time for these chapters - know you love to read them!
7563845 Well I can't wait to see what happens. Also if you ever need to I'm a good sounding board for ideas.
7563877 Thank you! That would be great, too! Let me know if you ever have time to chat - got some ideas right now i'm not 100% sure how to carry out!
7563897 jist snd me a message whenever. I work nights so I'll respond when I can.
Is there gonna be anymore to this story i really got into it
DRUNK APPLEJACK IS ON THE LOOSE!!!!!
Ok i really need another chapter!!
How do I get to his deviantart page?!?!?!?!?!?!?