- Member Since 11th Apr, 2016
- offline last seen Feb 19th, 2023
genesisofthewind
Amateur author and newbie artist. Still practicing both and trying to become better at both. 24 and love ponies and Equestria Girls.
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7128908 Wow, thanks. You don't know how much it means to me. Hope you like my work.
So far it is very intriguing. I am putting this on tracking. Also, I find this chapter to be well made and I look forward to seeing where she lives because everyone always has about the same guesses. Homeless and rich are extremely common, I want to see something different and I think this story can provide. Good work.
7128976 I just spoke with my older brother (also a brony) about my idea about where she lives. His exact words to what I told him about the story where " I wont be reading your story. I like dark, but not that dark." That's as close to spoilers as I will give.
7128978 My intrigue for this story has spiked. I love extremely dark fics. Actually I am currently writing a fic and I plan on making it dark. Really dark. Dark is literally my favorite genre here, so I would love to see how dark this story can get.
7128995 Well I hope I do not disappoint. Let's just say there may or may not be a reason I gave the story a mature rating.
Why doesn't this story have a dark tag? It sounds like it needs one.
7129194 First time I ever used the site, didn't know there was a dark tag. I will add it.
Okay, the premise i too enticing for me to pass up. I'm subscribing because I have to read more.
7129390 I plan on getting the next chapter up hopefully within the next day or two...three at most.
Tried giving a thumbs up, but the damned thing is greyed out yet again. The story sounds very interesting so far, though it will be driving me crazy until the next chapter comes out and we get to find out exactly where Sunset lives.
7129501 Let's just say that not everything is ponies and rainbow lasers. And within a chapter or two things may start to take a darker turn.
7129448 Can't wait
Great start !
Okay, so I have some concerns, but I'll start with praise. it was a good, albeit somewhat slow, start, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
I suggest getting an editor; there were a lot of places with misspelled homophones and places with missing words. There was also a little too much telling-not-showing in the story. Those weren't my biggest issues, though.
Pretty much every paragraph was cluttered with dialogue, and it made it difficult to figure out who was talking. Whenever a new speaker starts talking, start a new paragraph. Here's an example:
There are many different speakers in this paragraph and some telling-not-showing. Try this:
Pay special attention also to how I handled the punctuation around the quotation marks. This is a much cleaner, more grammatically correct version of that paragraph. Feel free to use it.
I'll be keeping an eye on this. It's got real promise.
7131123 I actually did have a friend proof reading as I wrote it but they did not really leave me with any real criticism. I will 100% agree that my paragraphs were way to cluttered. I even noticed that as I was typing it. As I mentioned before I haven't really done much writing in a couple of years and have forgotten a lot of what I used to know. I am very grateful for your critique and your suggestions. This is why I love communities like this, everyone just wants to see the best from everyone else.
7131148 You're very welcome
. I totally understand being rusty. If you keep following the constructive criticism we give you, you'll be back in the swing of things in no time.
For anyone curious, I just put a blog post up on the progress of the next chapter. feel free to check it out if you are interested.
7129577 Pffft, bring it! I look forward to the darkness, mwahaha*ack*hack*cough* Ahem...
7131478 Hopefully I can live up to your expectations.
Yes! Yes! Yes! A new chapter!
(Okay, only Twi singing yes I could find in what little time I had lol
)
It was a great chapter and I really didn't see anything wrong with it, though I'm not exactly an expert at the english language. Or any language
It has a lot of promise though and will be eagerly awaiting the next chapter. Can't wait to see what you have in store for Sunset and to see the others reactions to it and what is done for it. Hoping to see more soon!
7138196 Thanks for the comment, really made my day to hear such positive feedback.
This story has lots of promise, though I am not ready to give it a like, yet. Also, I liked how you depicted Sunset's 'home.' By her making it, it shows how resourceful she is and the random objects that create help represent her desperation to make a home quickly and effectively. The tarp and rain protection show signs of her readiness for natural occurrences. My favorite part is the location of the home, it shows that Sunset can choose a place to stay that is safe, or at least, as safe a closed alley can be. Wasn't what I was expecting when you said it was dark, but I read the authors notes and you got managed to keep my interest. Good job on the chapter and keep doing this well. I feel like a thumbs up coming soon.
So far, I'm hooked with this story, a few typos, but nothing too major....I just hope it doesn't go into big detailed rape scenes or anything like that...I like dark, but I don't do stories like that, i'm just wondering since you have the sex tag added.
But that being said, so far with how the story is, this is how I reacted when I saw this was updated.
7138340 Thank you for the great comment, I am glad you like it so far and I am fine with the fact that you are not ready to give it a like. I completely understand. (Honestly I did not expect it to have as many as it does or for so many people to have read it.) As for dark, that should really start in the next chapter. Again, thanks for reading and I do hope to hear more of your comments in the future.
7138386 You're welcome. As long as this story remains interesting I will keep commenting.
I can't wait to see what Sunset does when she see's her friends all standing there. I am sure she is going to be both grateful and upset at the same time. grateful that she doesn't have to keep this from them any longer and upset at how they actually found out about this.
7138440
7138456
Okay, this was a really good chapter and I can't wait for more
Yes, this is a huge improvement from last chapter! There were still errors, but nothing too serious. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Very nice looking photo but, it would also help to see what her shelter looks like if it where to be placed in the background that is
7140515 I did think about doing that, the only problem was I am still learning how to draw (23 and just now taking up drawing, kinda sad isn't it.) Also the shelter is a little small in my mind so It would be hard to place it. Besides, if I showed what the shelter looked like in the cover art for the story it would ruin the reveal in the second chapter. Or at least that's my thought on it.
So far this is very well written I like the pace of it and look forward to see the next chapter
7193663 Thank you, I have to admit it feels good to be writing again after so long.
7193679
Well keep it up this is really starting to take off I can't wait to see if Sunset is going to be alright.
Hope Sunset will be okay.
Aside from spellchecking and adding a word here or there where you left out a word. It seems alright to me. Stuff like Applejack's first (fist I assume). There were more in the previous chapters.
7194505 Yeah, i just really wasn't feeling this chapter as I wrote it. The next one will be better though. I promise.
At first I thought you were going to pull a Groundhogs Day lol
Still sucks for Sunset at this situation. So far this story is off to a good pace, If you need some grammar editors, I could help out, but that's up to you. I didn't see much errors in terms of grammar/spelling then again it's 7 am here so...
7194883 I might have to take you up on that. It would definitely help a lot. And don't worry, it's 10 for me and I am just now waking up.
Nice work on the chapter, but I have to say the first two chapters were better than this one. I still feel as though it was a great chapter and enjoyable to read, so keep it up! You're doing great!
7197315 Thanks for the comment. Like I said I wasn't really feeling this one, it felt more like a means to an end. The next one should feel a lot better.
7194846
I liked it, I'm just saying I only see nitpicky details. I do that too, in fact I hate the corner I wrote myself into in my story.
7202996 See part way through writing this I said to myself "Crap, did I just write myself into a corner. Gotta think of a way out and quick." Thats probably why I am still not too satisfied with the chapter. I am glad though that people seem to be enjoying it. One Sub-par chapter a bad story does not make.
Not a bad story can't wait to see where it goes
Ohh god what's wrong with her now?!!!!! Good chapter keep up the great work.
There was a lot of telling going on with your showing in this chapter. Here are a few examples:
The all-caps and interrobang already show us that Rainbow is shocked. We don't need to be actually told.
Even if the reader didn't know what hypothermia is, they could easily deduce that it wasn't a good thing to go through, given that the girls winced when they heard that it was a possibility.
This, on the other hand, was good. It gives us a look at Rarity's nervous habits even in light of her graceful mannerisms.
I'd also like to point out that there were a few grammar errors, but it's nothing a good editor can't iron out.
7301555 Thanks for the comment. Gonna be honest here I just kind of typed this quickly. If I had taken time I would have put more effort in. I just couldn't get any of the ideas I had to come out right. Though I do agree with what you said. Honestly I re-read what I typed and I even thought to myself that it didn't sound right. I guess I just.... wasn't feeling it today. Still thanks for the comment. I will keep everything you said in mind for future chapters.