So far it is very intriguing. I am putting this on tracking. Also, I find this chapter to be well made and I look forward to seeing where she lives because everyone always has about the same guesses. Homeless and rich are extremely common, I want to see something different and I think this story can provide. Good work.
7128976 I just spoke with my older brother (also a brony) about my idea about where she lives. His exact words to what I told him about the story where " I wont be reading your story. I like dark, but not that dark." That's as close to spoilers as I will give.
7128978 My intrigue for this story has spiked. I love extremely dark fics. Actually I am currently writing a fic and I plan on making it dark. Really dark. Dark is literally my favorite genre here, so I would love to see how dark this story can get.
Tried giving a thumbs up, but the damned thing is greyed out yet again. The story sounds very interesting so far, though it will be driving me crazy until the next chapter comes out and we get to find out exactly where Sunset lives.
Okay, so I have some concerns, but I'll start with praise. it was a good, albeit somewhat slow, start, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
I suggest getting an editor; there were a lot of places with misspelled homophones and places with missing words. There was also a little too much telling-not-showing in the story. Those weren't my biggest issues, though.
Pretty much every paragraph was cluttered with dialogue, and it made it difficult to figure out who was talking. Whenever a new speaker starts talking, start a new paragraph. Here's an example:
“Sunset!” Her friends called out to her. “Sorry girls, bus was a little bit late, took longer to get here than I thought.” The red and orange haired girl explained rubbing her hands together for warmth. At the moment her friends were just happy to see her. “Oh Sunset deary, we are just happy to see you are ok, the bitter cold out there is dreadful today” Rarity comforted her friend, placing her hands on top of Sunsets to help warm them up. Sunset appreciated the gesture. It was so cold out that she would not her worst enemies be stuck out there, not that she really had any enemies anymore. Not since she reformed. She looked around the large entrance to the school only to spot the clock on the wall. “Whoa is that really the time, we should probably be getting ready for our classes.” She pointed out. Her friends checked the clock to confirm that her statement was true. “Ah horse apples. I still need to put mah stuff away.” Applejack said in a panic. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity all looked in agreement, they too needed to still head to their lockers.
There are many different speakers in this paragraph and some telling-not-showing. Try this:
“Sunset!” her friends called out to her.
“Sorry, girls. Bus was a little bit late, took longer to get here than I thought,” the red and orange haired girl explained, rubbing her hands together for warmth.
“Oh, Sunset, deary, we are just happy to see you're okay. The bitter cold out there is dreadful today,” Rarity said, placing her hands on top of Sunset's to help warm them up.
Sunset sighed in appreciation. "No kidding. It's so cold out, I wouldn't wish my worst enemies be stuck out there. Well, if I had any enemies anymore." She looked around the large entrance to the school only to spot the clock on the wall. Her relief turned to surprise. “Whoa, is that really the time? We should probably be getting ready for our classes.”
Her friends checked the clock to confirm that her statement was true. “Ah, horse apples. I still need to put mah stuff away,” Applejack said in a panic. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity all looked in agreement; they too needed to still head to their lockers.
Pay special attention also to how I handled the punctuation around the quotation marks. This is a much cleaner, more grammatically correct version of that paragraph. Feel free to use it.
I'll be keeping an eye on this. It's got real promise.
7131123 I actually did have a friend proof reading as I wrote it but they did not really leave me with any real criticism. I will 100% agree that my paragraphs were way to cluttered. I even noticed that as I was typing it. As I mentioned before I haven't really done much writing in a couple of years and have forgotten a lot of what I used to know. I am very grateful for your critique and your suggestions. This is why I love communities like this, everyone just wants to see the best from everyone else.
7131148 You're very welcome . I totally understand being rusty. If you keep following the constructive criticism we give you, you'll be back in the swing of things in no time.
7597508 You know I have been thinking about doing that. I just haven't had the drive to really work on the story in a little while. (work has been killing me lately.) I have wanted to fix up the chapter for quite a while. Maybe it will be the catalyst that brings me finally finish this story.
Have a follower!
7128908 Wow, thanks. You don't know how much it means to me. Hope you like my work.
So far it is very intriguing. I am putting this on tracking. Also, I find this chapter to be well made and I look forward to seeing where she lives because everyone always has about the same guesses. Homeless and rich are extremely common, I want to see something different and I think this story can provide. Good work.
7128976 I just spoke with my older brother (also a brony) about my idea about where she lives. His exact words to what I told him about the story where " I wont be reading your story. I like dark, but not that dark." That's as close to spoilers as I will give.
7128978 My intrigue for this story has spiked. I love extremely dark fics. Actually I am currently writing a fic and I plan on making it dark. Really dark. Dark is literally my favorite genre here, so I would love to see how dark this story can get.
7128995 Well I hope I do not disappoint. Let's just say there may or may not be a reason I gave the story a mature rating.
Why doesn't this story have a dark tag? It sounds like it needs one.
7129194 First time I ever used the site, didn't know there was a dark tag. I will add it.
Okay, the premise i too enticing for me to pass up. I'm subscribing because I have to read more.
7129390 I plan on getting the next chapter up hopefully within the next day or two...three at most.
Tried giving a thumbs up, but the damned thing is greyed out yet again. The story sounds very interesting so far, though it will be driving me crazy until the next chapter comes out and we get to find out exactly where Sunset lives.
7129501 Let's just say that not everything is ponies and rainbow lasers. And within a chapter or two things may start to take a darker turn.
7129448 Can't wait
Great start !
Okay, so I have some concerns, but I'll start with praise. it was a good, albeit somewhat slow, start, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
I suggest getting an editor; there were a lot of places with misspelled homophones and places with missing words. There was also a little too much telling-not-showing in the story. Those weren't my biggest issues, though.
Pretty much every paragraph was cluttered with dialogue, and it made it difficult to figure out who was talking. Whenever a new speaker starts talking, start a new paragraph. Here's an example:
There are many different speakers in this paragraph and some telling-not-showing. Try this:
Pay special attention also to how I handled the punctuation around the quotation marks. This is a much cleaner, more grammatically correct version of that paragraph. Feel free to use it.
I'll be keeping an eye on this. It's got real promise.
7131123 I actually did have a friend proof reading as I wrote it but they did not really leave me with any real criticism. I will 100% agree that my paragraphs were way to cluttered. I even noticed that as I was typing it. As I mentioned before I haven't really done much writing in a couple of years and have forgotten a lot of what I used to know. I am very grateful for your critique and your suggestions. This is why I love communities like this, everyone just wants to see the best from everyone else.
7131148 You're very welcome . I totally understand being rusty. If you keep following the constructive criticism we give you, you'll be back in the swing of things in no time.
For anyone curious, I just put a blog post up on the progress of the next chapter. feel free to check it out if you are interested.
7129577 Pffft, bring it! I look forward to the darkness, mwahaha*ack*hack*cough* Ahem...
7131478 Hopefully I can live up to your expectations.
First chapter is so poorly written I couldn't even get through it. You need a proofreader and an editor.
You might want to come back and clean up this chapter, my friend.
Leaving it as it is now runs a high risk of dissuading readers from progressing.
7597508 You know I have been thinking about doing that. I just haven't had the drive to really work on the story in a little while. (work has been killing me lately.) I have wanted to fix up the chapter for quite a while. Maybe it will be the catalyst that brings me finally finish this story.
How dark are we going here and how much gore are we talking about?